A/N: Okay, so I know I haven't done crap on my other fics, but I'm a bit burned out on them. I'll get to them eventually, just after I find my inspiration to do serious stuff again. For now this'll have to do. Kind of funny, kind of romantic, and kind of crazy. Hope you like it! brbr

bMy Big Fat Gay Wedding/b

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"Sev! Look what I found!" Harry called from his position in the attic. A dusty box lay in front of him that hadn't been opened in many years. The pale face of his husband came into view as he climbed the short stairway to the attic.

"What is it?" he grumbled in irritation at being disturbed from his reading.

"It's the memory book from our wedding. I bet it's full of all kinds of things we've forgotten." Harry said as he lovingly stroked the cover. Severus rolled his eyes.

"I haven't forgotten who was there, or where it was held, dear. What I can't remember is why I did it." He teased with a patented smirk. Harry paid him no mind as he opened the cover and was instantly overwhelmed with memories.

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~

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"Harry, you can't do this. Snape is a two-faced, slimy, git!" Sirius protested for the millionth time as Harry carefully donned his white dress robes. Ron, who was slumped with defeat in the corner of the dressing room, groaned bitterly.

"Oh, come now, Sirius. He's not two-faced. If he was, why on earth would he wear that one?" the redhead spat bitterly. Harry inwardly sighed.

"You two are just about the worst bridesmaids I think anyone has ever had." Harry commented lightly with a smile on his face, hiding his inner exasperation with the two people he loved most in the world next to Severus. Sirius shot him a childish look that screamed 'I'm-about-to-throw-a-temper-tantrum." Ron huffed indignantly at being called a woman.

"I'm not a bridesmaid. Besides, if I were, that would make you a blushing bride. And you aren't a blushing bride; you're a bloody insane one for marrying ISnape/I." Ron judged. This time Harry's sigh was audible as he straightened his robes with sweaty hands.

"Listen you two, I know this was all fairly recent news, but do you think you could be a bit less frosty to Severus on our wedding day? I'd appreciate it." Harry said dryly. Sirius growled and resumed the pacing he'd been doing earlier.

"That's a laugh. I couldn't warm up to Snape if we were cremated together." The enraged godfather muttered archly. In the corner, Ron began to fan his face as the color slightly returned.

"Its not that I care that you're a fairy boy, bloke. I mean, I've flown for the other team before too, but you coming out Iwas/I a bit of a shock. It's just the fact that it's ISnape/I. He's oilier than a kerosene lamp!" Ron explained, sounding as though he was lying on a couch in a psychiatrist's office. Harry gritted his teeth in an effort to remain calm.

"I know you can't understand this, Ron, but I think he's handsome in a dark kind of way." He informed, his tone becoming a bit dreamy towards the end. Just thinking about Severus gave him all the strength he needed to handle Ron and Sirius at the same time.

"You mean he's handsome in the dark!" Sirius raged, abruptly spinning on his heel and waving his arms emphatically as he thundered on. "He's mean, selfish, unfriendly, ugly, and yet, despite all that, there's still something about him that repels you." He was like a raging animal, all his hackles raised, baring his teeth and spitting saliva as he half screamed. Despite all this, Harry showed none of his hurt past a slight frown and a sad voice. He finally turned from the mirror to look his godfather in the eye.

"Sirius, I know he's not your idea of handsome, but his face just kind of grew on me. Besides, I like him for what's on the inside." He said calmly. From the corner he heard Ron speak.

"If that face grew on Ime/I, I'd cut it off." Sirius was quick to add to it.

"I'm sure he's full of goodness on the inside, Harry. Want to know why? Because he never lets it out!" Finally, unable to take the abuse on his lover anymore, Harry snapped.

"I'm just glad Sev isn't as petty and juvenile as you two! Maybe I wouldn't have sought out more mature company if you two hadn't drove me to it with your incessant put-downs of other people and your narrow minded opinions of everyone!" With that, he stormed out of the dressing room leaving a furious Sirius and a snarky Ron.

After he was gone, Sirius voiced with an annoyed air, "Quit moping around, Ronald. We've got a wedding to stop!"

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Meanwhile, as Harry went to find some comfort with Hermione (who was by far more accepting and tolerant), Draco Malfoy was doing his best to wrestle with Severus' calm happiness.

"But Severus!" He half whined, going so far as to stomp his foot (clad in the best dragonhide boots money could buy, of course). "You can't marry him! I absolutely refuse to let you do this to yourself! If you go through with this, I swear to Merlin I'll never talk to you again." The flustered blonde threatened. Severus merely smiled that strange little smile that had been hovering on his face ever since Harry had said "yes" to his passionate proposal of marriage.

"Is that a promise, Draco? Because you're much prettier before you open your mouth." Severus responded automatically, obviously not carrying about his godson's protests.

"I'll have you know that I'm gorgeous no matter… No. You aren't getting me off-topic. Don't you remember? This is the bane of our existence! We spend half our time talking about how much we hate him!" Draco tried to reason in a pleading voice.

"Draco, you might not have noticed, but normally when you're talking to me, I'm not talking back."

Draco, tapping his foot irritatingly with his hands on his slim hips continued on as if Severus hadn't said a word. "Don't you have anything to say?"

Severus sighed. He tuned Draco out and focused on his reflection. Well, he wasn't naked and he wasn't getting any younger (though that would have solved a great deal of his relationship problems). Interrupting Draco mid-tangent, Severus said with a soft smile, "I'm ready to get married, Draco. I'm glad I've lived long enough to make it to my own wedding."

Draco was quiet for a moment before he gracefully descended into a nearby chair. After all, he was still a Malfoy, and Malfoy's never slumped or slouched. In a rare moment of honesty and emotion, he spoke.

"Why, Severus? I don't understand. This marriage is doomed to fail." Turning to face his only relative left in the world; Severus shook his head and sat beside him.

"If you were the one in my shoes today, I could see how the marriage would never work. But it's not you walking down the aisle. It's me, and I happen to love him very much. I can't say that we're not going to have problems, but I'm sure Harry will have enough optimism to pull the both of us through." He said with a twinge of humor in his voice. Draco resisted the urge to roll his eyes.

"You could sell that to a greeting card company. Sappy cards by Snape. You'll make a fortune." He said waspishly, standing abruptly and striding out of the room. Severus wished his godson was more favorable towards the idea, but he had only known for a scant week. He'd come around. At this decision, that strange smile came back to his face as he headed for the front of the church.

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Ron certainly didn't like the idea of Harry marrying Snape, but he wasn't about to stoop so low as slipping Harry and Snape a potion that would make them doubt their vows to each other (it was a mute point anyway, because they would have probably ended up needing to borrow the ingredients from Snape). Nor was he willing to beat up Snape behind the back of the church (though this idea had more merit than the first one). He would do just as well to leave Sirius to his crazy machinations and go find somewhere to get secretly piss drunk before the actual ceremony.

And the kiss.

How in the hell was he supposed to be expected to stand at Harry's elbow and watch as his best friend, a boy that he had loved for years, gave himself to someone else? And that was the real heart of the matter. Although he didn't want Harry for himself as a lover, he certainly didn't want anyone else having him. Especially Snape. That comment Harry had made about his behavior being part of the reason that he went to Severus had hit him hard. Was he truly so lacking in his role as a best friend that Harry would turn to someone like Snape to spill his secrets so intimately that a physical love blossomed as result? Gods he needed some of Hagrid's firewhiskey, and he needed it quick.

Besides, he knew how much alcohol he could stand. Whenever he could stand, he'd start drinking again. Problem solved. And Hermione said he turned to drink too often. He was perfectly logical and rational about it.

For example, he wouldn't get drunk in the church in case someone stumbled in on him and took his booze. He'd go outside and get drunk behind the parked cars. Besides, Severus and Harry's was currently decorated in white foamy letters and waving condoms. If he got lucky with one of the other attending guests, he could just pluck protection off the shiny limousine. Yes, he needed to get drunk and screwed – hopefully in that order (and in the backseat of a car, because he did have some morals and doing all that in a church would have been pushing the envelope a bit. Somehow, the church parking lot was okay though).

Draco had never been strung up so tightly with such a mess of emotions since he'd faced his father before he died. He'd gotten drunk then. He rarely indulged in alcohol, because he'd been told by Severus that he became a rather silly, ditzy drunk. However, under the current situation, and with so much champagne at the wave of a wand … it was sorely tempting. Besides, if Severus was going to make him stand at his stupid wedding, it was only fitting punishment for him that he'd be completely plastered. He could do it in the dressing room he'd just abandoned, as it had a lock and would be empty until the ceremony was over. With a plan in mind, he stalled for a bit of time and then backtracked to find the now vacant room.

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bA/N: Uh oh! Sirius is plotting, Draco and Ron are getting drunk, and my inner eye tells me Professor Trelawney received an invitation to this crazy shindig! The plot thickens in the next chapter of "My Big Fat Gay Wedding"! Review if you liked it, it'll keep me encouraged : ) /b