A/N: Sorry! I haven't had a computer for the past two months!
My Big Fat Gay Wedding
Harry, having had quite enough of his wedding being turned into a circus, became quite irate.
And, as Voldemort would be the first to tell you, an irate Harry was not a fun Harry.
"Severus, for god's sake man, are you a potions professor or not? Don't you have something in that silly belt of yours to fix them?!" Harry whispered harshly at Severus, who was still trying to block out everything out with his hands. At that suggestion, Severus revealed himself again and looked highly surprised.
"Actually, I think I do." He exclaimed. Severus pushed his robe and vest aside to reveal the slim black belt he never left home without. He turned slightly, so that Harry could grab the right jar.
"It's the blue one, third from the left." He instructed. Harry plucked it out of his belt and quickly went over to Ron. Hermione was arguing with the church workers about the body, Sybil was off on one of her tangents, and the orchestra was leaving.
Harry made Ron swallow half of the little bottle and watched as his eyes cleared and he came back to his senses. He then blushed to the roots of his hair when he remembered what he'd just done. Draco soon joined him. Except, as usual, he was more verbal about it.
"You touched me! How DARE you!" the petite blonde raged, jabbing a finger into Ron's chest. Harry waved his hand and the two of them separated, flew to the right places, and stayed there frozen. Literally. Draco was still trying to move his mouth and found he couldn't move anything. He couldn't even blink. Then, with another wave from Harry, unnatural smiles spread over both of their faces. Harry levitated the body and the workers out of the church, closing the doors harshly behind them. He appeared to be concentrating very hard, raised his hand, and pulled an invisible zipper down through the air. Everyone gave him strange looks until the rip opened to reveal another church. Harry reached a hand through the tear, grabbed a fistful of Albus's robe, and yanked him though the rip.
"Why hello Harry! I was just asked to speak for that poor man's eulogy and I didn't have a clue who he was!" The old man said with a big smile. Harry, however, still had a tight lipped scowl. Just as efficiently, he zipped up the tear again. With one more wave of his hand, Sybil suddenly found herself sitting in the front row with a powerful silencing charm over her mouth.
"We're ready, Albus." Harry hissed. He did that. When he got extremely angry he always ended up talking in Parseltongue. Taking a deep breath and making himself calm down, he tried again. "We're ready, Albus." It came out in English.
Harry stubbornly took his place and arched an eyebrow at Severus, who was still sitting dumbfounded in the pew. Everyone knew Harry was probably the most powerful wizard of their time, but they'd never seen anyone do wandless magic like that.
"Well, Severus, care to join me?" Harry bit out, gesturing to the spot opposite him and consequently transporting Severus there. Severus looked afraid. So did everyone else.
Except Albus, of course.
"Marriage!" He began, "It is a wonderful blessing and a rare gift for a person to find someone that they love so deeply that they wish to spend the rest of their years with them."
A church worker came back in. He looked uncomfortable to begin with, but nearly melted to nothing when Harry turned his glare on him. Severus was looking like Harry was a volatile potion that was about to explode any second. He kept taking small steps away from him.
"I…um…just thought you should know that someone just drove off in the limousine out front. Its door was wide open and some guy hopped out of a white van, got in, and drove off like a bat out of hell. He crashed it into another car though, and so he's trying to make off with the luggage in the back. We called the police."
Harry let out an extremely frustrated sound, and stormed down the aisle (the benches scooted forcefully out of his way as he passed and the doors flung open with a loud bang). There was silence for a few moments and then a terrible screeching noise, as if a white van was being pulled in the opposite direction it was driving, pierced through the church. It started raining heavily outside.
There was some loud shouting, sounds of a struggle, and then silence. Severus was looking torn between hiding behind a pew or going out to see if Harry needed help.
He appeared in the doorway, completely soaked through, with a bloody nose and a bloody fist, and a bunch of soggy luggage floating after him. It dropped with several splatting sounds in the back of the church. Once again, Harry marched up the aisle. As he went, he snatched up the bouquet he'd discarded. Unfortunately, the minuet he picked it up the flowers shriveled to black and then caught fire. Severus gulped and took a more noticeable step back away from the alter. Albus only smiled benignly with that twinkle set to full force.
When Harry was back in place, blood dripping from his nose onto the white gown, his bloody fist now burned as well, Albus began again.
"Where was I – oh yes – Marriage!" He started. Harry rolled his eyes and spat out,
"Just skip to the vows, old man!" Dumbledore looked surprised, then a bit offended. Harry only began muttering curses under his breath.
"Harry, do you take Severus to be your-"
"Yes. Hurry it up, I'm bleeding to death."
"And, Severus, do you take Harry," Harry shot Severus a furious green glare.
"Yes, yes Albus." He rushed to agree. Harry looked a bit pacified.
"Do we have rings?" Albus asked with a sidelong glance to Draco and Ron. Harry glared at Ron until Severus gently reminded him that he'd frozen them. Harry sighed in agitation, and waved his hand again.
"Gib me the ring, Ron." His voice altered because of his broken nose.
"Sure, Harry. I have it right – here." He pulled his pocket out only to reveal a hole large enough for the silver band to slip through. Harry's glare became so intense that his eyebrows couldn't stand the pressure anymore. Instead of fury, he looked like he was about to cry. Quickly Severus pulled his wand out.
"Accio wedding ring!" He said. The band came flying from out in the parking lot, narrowly missed taking Fred's head off, and zoomed into Severus's outstretched hand. He slid it on his ring finger quickly and motioned agitatedly for Draco to give him Harry's. The blonde quickly forfeited it, when he realized that Harry's 'mad' look was returning. Severus started to put it on Harry's hand, and then remembered the flowers and hesitated. He caught Harry's eye and arched an eyebrow. The raven-headed bride huffed angrily and held his hand out. Severus dropped the ring in his hand where the metal immediately heated up. Harry winced and dropped the ring, rolling his eyes and crossing his arms angrily over his chest. Casting a quick look to the wedding band that Harry had heated to a boiling red with just a touch, Albus spoke again.
"If anyone protests this marriage, speak now or forever hold your peace." Immediately, Harry pinned his glare on his Godfather, who had his mouth open. Slowly, Sirius closed it. "Then, Severus, you may now kiss your husband." Severus cast one look at the blood dribbling all down Harry's face and reached for his wand. Harry just growled low in his throat, and stalked out of the church, calling over his back,
"Oh just forget it! I now pronounce theeb husband and husband. Etc. Etc." Once again, the doors opened with a loud bang for him and closed soundly behind him.
The smile returning to his face, Albus added.
"Everyone can now step to the next room over for the wedding reception!"
Gratefully, the audience got out and hurried to the adjoining room. Draco and Ron at least managed to look ashamed of themselves.
"I'm sorry, Severus. I was a prat." Draco said haltingly. Ron nodded his head vigorously in agreement.
"Yeah, I'm sorry too. You'll tell Harry we apologize, right?" Without waiting for a reply from the glowering potions master, the two men streaked off for the reception, leaving Severus to look dubiously towards the opposite door that Harry had left through. Albus patted him merrily on the shoulder and left him alone in the chapel. Running a hand over his face and mentally steeling himself, Severus started to follow after his husband. The gold band on the floor caught his attention and he quickly used a spell to cool it. He gingerly picked it up off the ground and left the chapel.
Severus found Harry in the changing room, bloody white robes and his under shirt in a heap on the floor. His face was hidden in his arms, but Severus didn't think he was crying. Quietly, he crept up along side him and ran a hand down his back. He didn't look up. Mentally sighing, he tugged his heavy, dark green robes off and tossed them into the pile. His black vest and green silk tie came next, until he was only in his white dress shirt. Feeling much more comfortable, he sat down and pulled Harry onto his lap. The wet mop of black hair instantly tucked itself under his chin and familiar arms wrapped around his torso. It appeared that Harry had already fixed his nose and hand. He was still wet and cold though. Severus rubbed his back comfortingly and groped for the robes he'd just discarded. He tugged the material around Harry's shoulders.
"That was the most embarrassing thing I've ever done. I'm never going to face those people again. We're moving somewhere where I won't have to listen to them laugh about this mess for the next couple of years." Severus smiled and started to kiss Harry's forehead. Quickly, Harry pulled away. "Oh no. Our first kiss as a married couple isn't going to be a peck on the forehead." He said accusingly. Severus only chuckled and captured his lips. It was sweet and loving, slow and gentle. Harry felt tears trickling down his cheeks and didn't care. This was how it was supposed to be.
When they broke apart, Harry tucked his face into Severus's neck.
"I love you, Harry. You're an insufferable brat, but I love you." Severus whispered, that little smile coming back to his face. Harry's shoulders shook but Severus couldn't tell if he was laughing or crying. "You forgot this." He said gently, pulling the gold band out of his pocket. Harry cuddled in closer to him and looked at the ring warily. Severus only rolled his eyes. "It's too late to say no now. You're stuck with me. Might as well get some nice jewelry for your trouble." He said dryly. Harry giggled despite himself and held his hand out. Reverently, Severus slid it on his finger, bringing the hand up to his lips.
"I guess it wasn't so bad. We've seen worse." Harry whispered.
"Well, we're still alive and the wedding wasn't interrupted by the return of the Dark Lord, so I suppose that's all we can really ask for."
"I can ask for one more thing."
"What's that?" Severus asked.
"That we skip out on the reception and floo straight to the hotel. I didn't want to ride in the limousine anyway." Harry asked. Severus smiled and squeezed his husband's hand.
"All right, we'll elope for the honeymoon. Besides, I spent a small fortune on all that food so I doubt they'll even notice we're not there." He agreed. Harry leaned in for another kiss before he stood up, extending his hand to Severus.
"Mexico, here we come." Harry said with a mischievous little grin.
The two of them changed and fetched their bags from the chapel, eager to start their lives together.
"I'm probably the only happily married man that can say he hated his wedding." Harry said as he flicked through the pictures, all compliments of Colin Creevy. There were photos of all the guests, laughing and re-telling the story of the wedding from hell at the reception. There were photos of them standing at the alter, Harry bleeding and Severus looking completely out of his element. There weren't any photos where the two of them were together and smiling.
Severus, who had come to look over his shoulder, smirked arrogantly.
"Just because I made it up to you on the honeymoon."
"Until we fell asleep drunk and nude on the beach and you woke up completely burned the next afternoon. I got a nice tan though. Didn't have lines for the rest of the trip." Severus grunted.
"I didn't have skin for the rest of the trip. But, at least we made it through both ordeals without one of us going into labor, which is more than I can say for Draco and Ron." Harry grinned.
"Well what do we have here? It appears to be an album full of the pictures I took when we babysat the twins while Ron and Draco went on their belated honeymoon."
"A good lesson was learned from that."
"Which was?" Harry prompted.
"The hell if I know. I cast obliviate on myself after the horrid thing was over to spare myself the pain of even having to remember it." Harry got an evil grin.
"Well I remember. The trouble all started two hours into the job when one of them managed to get into your potions cabinet . . ."
Ta Da! The End.
Or is it?
Yeah. It's the end.
Thanks to all who reviewed, hope it made you smile!