Author's Note: I know what most of you are thinking. Another new story? Shouldn't you at least finish the ones you have first? Well, that was my plan, until I scrolled through the High School DxD section in search of some inspiration to continue my Et Cetera Fic. Except, what did I find?
God damn it, the High School DxD crossover section is filled with gems, but the main section is just blatant OCs and Self-inserts with broken Sacred Gears, and most stories there are just cheap wish fulfillment fantasies. Then the few Issei-centric fics are basically smut-fics or "broken" Issei fics, or Gremory Bashing fics, or some weird combination of the three. Then, the worst are fics that remove Issei's perviness entirely - which kind of defeats the entire point of it being Issei in the first place.
Not all of these are bad, for instance, "Go Away, I'm Watching Porn" was one of my favorites to read, however, I tire of the "Damaged-Genius" Trope. I usually love dark works (clearly) but I'm in a place in life right now where I need fiction to forget about how dark, miserable and crappy life can be.
Hence, with that, I bring you - The Scientific Approach to Getting a Harem.
Partially inspired by the scientific method(what little I learned from HPMOR anyway), and partially inspired by crack.
This is not a rationalist fic however, because High School DxD is a show that focuses on humor, ecchi, and hilarity, and quite frankly, it's incredibly irrational - which I will hopefully stay truthful to in this fic.
The Scientific Approach To Getting A Harem (SAGAH)
Mrs. Haruka Hyoudou was not a generally happy woman.
Three times. That was how many times she had tried and failed. That was the number of times that she and her husband had had their hopes and dreams raised and elevated, and then promptly squashed, crashing like an egg placed in the hands of a hyperactive infant. Despite how much her husband claimed that it was not her fault, and how his calm, understanding gazes had assured her that he would love her unconditionally, even if she never got a child, there was a part of her that felt inadequate.
She had felt broken, toyed with – she perceived her status as a woman to have been lessened by her inability to successfully bring, and retain life into the world.
They had momentarily considered adoption, yet, she knew, deep within her, no matter how much of a bad person it made her feel, that she would not be able to love an adopted child in the same manner she would her own flesh and blood. She would not be able to stare into the child's eyes, without being reminded of her harsh failures at her own childbearing attempts.
So, she had tried, once more.
And then, she had succeeded.
The nurses of Hajime Central Hospital would go on to claim that they had never met parents who had cried so much upon finally having a child. They had never seen a pair who had so completely and honestly displayed their joy, their sorrows, their grief, their passion, and their love.
As such, Haruka had seen it fitting to name her son after that moment.
"His name will be Issei – to mean, honestly."
As such, the child had grown, and Haruka would not deny that she and her husband had spoiled their son to no small amount. They let him have most of what he wanted, most of what he needed – they read to him bedtime stories, bought him the best clothes and toys that they could afford, and with the three of them, their life was absolutely complete.
Haruka loved her son. She loved him more than anything else, more than anyone else, and strange as it was, she loved her son even more than she loved her own husband. The bond between mother and child was such that was inexplicable, it was something great and pure, and she ensured that she would see her child grow up to become the very best person that he could be.
She had lost three prior children – three prior lives that would have been grown to be kind-hearted doctors or surgeons, or to be brilliant scientific minds, or to go on and become great, fantastic novelists and writers –
As such, Haruka had decided that she wanted her child, her first, and only son, to be the very best individual he could be.
She wouldn't force him down any path, oh heavens no, she loved him far too much for that to happen.
Rather, she slowly began to cultivate different talents within him. Getting him a mini-painters kit, a small children's science lab, a collection of entertaining child books about anatomy and science and history –
She wanted her little boy to be anything he wanted to be.
However, nothing had prepared her for the words he would declare to her one day, when asked that ever-curious question.
"I wanna be a Harem King!"
She had stared, baffled, eyes blinking at the sheer ludicrousness of the statement, despite the fact that her son had seemed so resolute and determined when making the declaration.
Her lips had crinkled into a small, slightly uncomfortable smile as she had heard his words.
It was ridiculous, she had thought. It was an unrealistic, unattainable goal, and one which was extremely inappropriate for a child to have. It could even be considered as a somewhat chauvinistic male fantasy, to attain a collection of women in which to use and exchange as easily as removing a pair of briefs from the bottom drawer of a closet.
Of course, she knew that he got this from her husband. Her husband had once possessed such a dream during his more youthful exuberant years, but she never imagined that her son would have something like that implanted into his mind.
Still, she hadn't utterly dismissed the idea, nor had she immediately made clear her disapproval, because Haruka Hyoudou was a smart woman, and she knew that telling someone they couldn't do something, would only make them want to do it out of spite or childish vehemence. So instead, she kindly, softly, and as gently as she could, uttered three simple words.
"And then what?"
She had then watched as he deflated like a popped balloon at a kindergarten birthday party.
She smiled. "What will you do after you become a Harem King, Issei-chan?"
The energetic brown haired child had perked up. "Then I'll get to fondle all the breasts I want!"
Her eye had twitched slightly at the statement, but she was not deterred, as she asked again;
"And then what?"
He blinked for a moment. "What do you mean kaa-chan?"
"Let's say you eventually become a Harem King, and you get to fondle all the breasts you want. What will you do then, when you get tired of fondling breasts?"
He rose his nose up in disbelief and distaste. "I'll never get tired of breasts!"
Haruka had not rebuked him then. Instead, she had taken a more practical approach. For the next two weeks, all he ate was his favorite food, the food he loved immensely, the one in which he would often claim was all he would eat if given the chance.
The two weeks were barely up when he had turned green at the sight of the meal when it was placed in front of his face.
He was a child, young and impressionable, but it was not hard for even him to connect the dots. If, in less than two weeks, he had grown sick of the one thing he loved to eat much more than anything else, what were the odds that he would never get tired of breasts? It could take a month, or it could take a year, but there would reach a point in which he would grow tired of it.
And then what?
What would happen then? What would become of his dream? What would become of him?
These were rather heavy questions for a child, rather hefty ones to ask of someone so young, but Haruka was a woman who would not allow her one and only child waste his life by chasing after some unrealistic, unattainable fantasy of becoming a Harem King.
"Tell you what Issei-chan, I won't tell you not to chase your… dream of becoming a Harem King, but before you do, why not try to become something like a doctor, or maybe even a lawyer, or – I know – an astronaut! You could get to fly out and explore space and stars Issei-kun – maybe even meet some tiny green men!"
"Really? Are there little tiny green men out there Ka-chan?"
She pinched his cheeks softly and placed her nose on his, rubbing their noses together in a manner that made him laugh.
"That's for you to go out there and find out my little Issei-chan. Go out there and do something, anything – anything, that fulfils you, so whenever you ask yourself 'and then what', you will always – always have the answer."
Soon after that, a young boy's budding obsession with breasts and the womanly form were slowly substituted by an obsession with the sciences, Chemistry and Physics. A growing fascination for girls was slowly switched by an immense fascination for philosophy, music and the arts.
She knew, that there was a part of him that still possessed those slightly perverted tendencies, but the part was minor enough to be considered just a level or two beyond normal juvenile fantasies, instead of delusions of grandeur.
Thus, the words "Harem King" were never heard in the Hyoudou Household ever again.
Haruka had felt satisfied that she had sent her son down the right path. She had felt happier knowing that he had a much brighter future ahead of him. Then, when the straight 'A' Report cards began piling up on the refrigerator as teachers called her to heap high praise on the intellectual prowess of her little boy, she had glowed absolutely with pride.
Yet, as she watched as little Issei began to spend less and less time around his peers, and more time in his room studying, and as his moments at the family table grew scarce as the library had slowly become his second home, and she watched, as her son's closest friend, Irina, had become an infrequent face as their different interests drifted them apart –
She couldn't help but feel that she had made a horrible mistake.
"You know dear, this still feels all too surreal."
Haruka Hyoudou could only nod, slightly, a small smile gracing her lips as her husband sat beside her, and as her hands went out to his, grasping the drink in his hand.
He hummed. "Just as you like it dear."
She collected the drink, feeling the cold plastic send shivers down her hand, as the object was wet with precipitation, cold droplets of water stained the outside, as did tiny, near-inconspicuous wisps of vapor.
She gave a grimacing smile. "Just a tad bit dear. Considering the air-conditioning in here."
Her husband, Nomura Hyoudou, tilted his head slightly in understanding, before a smile graced his face. "Well, you know these hot-shot scientists need a way to cool down – otherwise they're brains would be steaming all the time!"
She rolled her eyes and tapped him playfully. "Shush dear. Don't let any of them hear you."
He waved her off, a relaxed grin on his half-bearded face. "Bah! What're they gonna do? Kick me out? My ten year old son is up on their podium, schooling their best professors and scientists; I think I'm allowed some level of cheek."
She immediately pinched the side of his cheek. "And I'll grab your cheeks if you do anything here that'll embarrass Ise-chan. He's worked very hard to reach here."
The grown man immediately pouted, his lips forming into a kitten-innocent façade. "That's so mean Haruka-chan! You know I'd never do anything that would show badly on Ise-chan."
Haruka's lips twitched. "Not intentionally, no."
Nomura immediately winced. "I told you dear, that thing with the panda bears was completely not my fault –"
"Excuse me." A stern voice said, immediately cutting both of them off. The couple turned to the attention of the voice, finding in place, a blonde haired, bespectacled young woman with an immensely serious gaze which was cutting straight into them.
"Oh, see what you've caused dear? We've been disturbing the people who came to listen to Ise-chan."
Nomura gave an apologetic laugh. "Ah, I can't help it you know. What man can remain quiet and solemn around the woman he loves?"
"Oh shush dear, your flattery won't help you out this time." Haruka turned to the woman, "Don't mind us, we're just here to make sure we pick up our son after he's done. We're not exactly the scientific type, as you can see clearly."
Nomura nodded in an exaggerated solemn manner. "I don't understand half of the things people here say, and I don't even understand what this entire conference is for."
The blond woman merely rose an eyebrow. "Your son? You are here to pick up your son?"
Haruka nodded, with a long sigh. "Ise-chan already knows how to drive, despite being so young, he picked it up without anyone even showing him. But of course, he's too young to have a license, so we're just here to root him on, and then pick him up at the end."
"I thought we were going to branch the ice cream parlor afterwards dear – Ise-chan loves ice cream –"
"No dear, you love ice cream, Ise-chan just barely likes it –"
"Ise?" The blonde woman said, pausing "As in, Hyoudou Issei? That Hyoudou Issei? The one who's –"
"Ah, look dear! I think he's done."
Haruka's eyes flickered across the enormous chamber, filled to the brim with numerous seats and individuals clearly wearing the colors of their respective universities and colleges, and other such individuals in elegant suits or lab coats that displayed, in one measure or another, their extravagant wealth, class, or prestige.
Then, in the center of the auditorium, there stood a small, ten year old boy, standing on an elevated platform, with a black Pikachu! I choose you! T-shirt, a pair of plain jean shorts, some brown sandals, and a red baseball cap. He looked completely out of place in the gathering, as though he were the odd object out of a find-the-difference game. Yet, his gaze was happy-poised, his smile was perky-smart, and his entire posture screamed: I belong here.
"… and that concludes my paper on The Latent Micro-Radioactive Energy Potential in the Atmosphere. Any questions?"
Immediately, there was a heavy cacophony of yells, a large clamor as hands immediately shot up into the air, all of them eager, some more than others, to have their curiosities sated, their questions answered, their problems and thoughts alleviated.
The boy in question let out a large smile. "I can only take three questions for now please, my parents need to take me home before it's past my bedtime."
There was a general symphony of well-meaning laughter.
"Alright, you, the cool looking jiji in the sweet suit."
The old man in question immediately leaped to his feet, smiling broadly.
"Professor Nakamura, Department of Physics, Tokyo University." The man said, introducing himself. "I only have a rather simple question for you, Hyoudou-kun."
Issei nodded. "Sure thing!"
"Your theory proposes that there exists form of ambient energy in the atmosphere, one, which allows for great manipulation of natural occurring elements down to their smallest cellular constituents, therefore making it possible to perform normally implausible feats like conjuring fire from thin air, or aiding in advanced cellular regeneration."
Once more, the small boy nodded.
"Do you believe that the energy could be –"
"Harnessed? Used?" The boy interrupted, and the man blinked, before nodding. "Of course! It will take a while, but, I've started work on a device which would be capable of identifying and quantifying the energy, the forms it takes, and I'll eventually begin experimenting to see if the energy is safe enough to be used by carbon based life forms."
There was a loud range of interested murmurs and curious expressions.
"Yes, you, next question –"
"Doctor Mariwaka, Kyoto University. So does that mean that one day, humans will be able to conjure fire as though it was out of thin air, or use this latent energy to boost physical attributes?"
The boy smiled. "I believe that this energy will redefine what it means to be human."
The interested murmurs grew to a level of immense excitement and intrigue.
"Just one more question please, any other inquiries can be made on an online platform –"
Haruka Hyoudou had watched the proceedings with her mind barely able to wrap around anything that was going on, until, the woman behind her had eventually raised her arm up.
"Yes, the pretty looking lady behind my parents."
"Rachni Agares – Kuoh University." The woman said, her voice coming out rather plain. "I simply have one question."
Issei, in his exuberance, turned his baseball cap around, in an expression of seriousness that only made him look more endearing, causing a small wave of giggles and laughter.
"Do you believe in the Supernatural?"
All at once, the entire auditorium fell relatively silent.
"Um, I'm sorry, Agares-san, I don't understand how my belief has anything to do with my paper –"
"The energy source you mentioned," she said briskly, cutting him off "The energy source that you claim is something of a radioactive nature that allows for impossible feats; what if I told you, it is magic?"
The auditorium's silence peaked, until, all at once, there was a large wave of rancorous laughter.
"Did you hear the girl? Magic she says!"
"What in the world are they teaching those fools at Kuoh University?"
"Next thing we know, they'll be telling us about fairies and elves!"
"Oh, and witches! Ooh! Scary witches!"
Although everyone was laughing, the laughter came to a slow stop, as the gathered congregation looked unto the form of the ten-year old boy, and they noticed that he was not laughing. Instead, his eyes were perfectly crinkled into one of immense concentration.
"I don't believe in magic."
The five words came out, each syllable more emphasized than the preceding one.
"Because you have yet to find any scientific evidence in favor of it?"
"No," he said, shaking his head, and causing no small amount of confusion.
"I'm pretty sure we all know the phrase: Any sufficiently advanced level of technology is indistinguishable from magic."
There was some positive murmuring.
The boy, smiling then asked "Who is to say, that the reverse is not also the case?"
The Auditorium was silent.
"Hypothetically: A Time Travelling adventurer from the 30th century arrives today. He sees you have a problem, in which you invited a date to the homecoming dance, and don't own a vehicle or have money to rent one. He then takes you to a restaurant, has you select your favorite meal, and then he points at it with his finger. Then, before your very eyes, it turns into a fully sentient eighty-foot tall reptilian creature with wings, and says you may ride on it to your destination."
The boy's eyes were clear, but they were sharp, even as the smile on his face never faded.
"You would call him a sorcerer. I would call him an accomplished scientist. And the common man?"
"They would call him a god."
"Issei-kun, I need some help in the kitchen!"
A young man found himself groaning in slight annoyance at the yells that came from above him. His time in the lab was supposed to be his time, of solace, and away from any sorts of distractions, because the work that he did in here was extremely delicate.
To his left, a fully fitted and equipped science laboratory kit was present, with a vial of greenish liquid burning silently over a Bunsen burner. To his right, there were charts and diagrams of human anatomical figures and models, complete with a table and dissection equipment that sheened as they had recently been used, cleaned and sterilized.
To his front, was a work station filled with numerous different gadgets, nuts, bolts, screws, and other such electrical and mechanical appliances. The boy stood in front of the station, a pair of glasses in his hand which he slowly and methodologically tinkered with, as the lenses were a dark shade of green, and he used a small screwdriver to adjust the nuts and bolts on it.
He finished, satisfied with his work, before he brought up his smartphone.
"Kiki, begin recording – Invention Three-Hundred-Seventy-Four-Dash-One-Point-Six: Omni-Vision Goggles, Test Thirty One."
His smartphone immediately lit up with a perky voice. "Hai! Recording in process Issei-sama."
Gently, the boy grabbed the glasses, and then put them on, before clicking a button at the side, and watching as they strapped firmly to his ears, before they faded away.
"Cloaking capabilities are fully functional under room temperatures in standard conditions. Still requires test under high and low pressure environments and high and low temperature environments."
The boy let out a small breath, before tapping a button at the side of the invisible glasses.
Immediately, his vision lit up with numerous numbers and statistical data.
"Omni-Vision glasses vector calculation arithmetic seems to be fully functional. I can effectively calculate humidity, wind direction and speed, and temperature of objects and atmosphere."
Then, he tapped another button once more, which, to the casual observer, would appear as though he was simply tapping the side of his head.
"Night vision capabilities are functional. Thermal vision capabilities are functional. X-Ray vision capabilities are –"
At that moment, the door burst open.
"Young man, I called you to help me out in the kitchen –"
"ABORT! ABORT! CODE: OEDIPUS! I REPEAT, CODE: OEDIPUS!"
Haruka Hyoudou could only stare blandly as a blinding flash seemed to appear out of nowhere, and then, a pair of glasses dropped from Issei's eyes which immediately appeared bright red and puffy.
All she could do was raise one eyebrow at his swollen eyes that clearly looked like they hurt.
"I regret nothing."
She sighed. "Dinner's by seven. How long is it going to take you to fix up your eyes?"
He paused. "…A while."
"Which I assume is probably just long enough for you to skip out on family game night, again."
He immediately bowed his head. "An unfortunate happenstance."
Her right eye twitched. "Not unfortunate enough it seems."
"I cannot be blamed if I chose to blind myself rather than to endure the trauma of seeing my mother's naked body –"
"Big words coming from someone who used to lunge his lips for my breasts anytime I held him in my hands."
"I was an infant!"
"You were ten!"
Issei opened his mouth to give a retort, before closing it shut.
"Issei-sama, should I continue recording?"
"Please do Kiki-chan, I would love to have this tape played the next time Issei-kun thinks he can get clever with me."
"Oh don't you give me that young man. I'm amazed you could create a robot as amazing as Kiki-chan."
"She's not a robot Ka-chan, she's an ultra-advanced artificial intelligence program with psuedo-godlike control over all forms of technology –"
"And she still has the most pleasant personality! I'm sure if Kiki-chan had a body, she'd be more than happy to help her old, frail mother in the kitchen."
Issei's swollen, semi-blind left eye twitched. "You're not old and frail, you're – and I'm saying this at the risk of being classified with an Oedipus Complex – young, and hot – which is precisely why I'd rather blind myself than see you naked."
"And whose fault is that Mr 'I-never-want-to-see-you-two-get-old'?"
Issei's swollen, semi-blind right eye twitched. "I was twelve, and the aging inhibition formula I slipped into you and tou-san's tea is completely intent-based. It enables your thought processes to be converted into rapid cell acceleration, like flexing a muscle. That means you can grow older if you want to."
Haruka smirked. Her young features looking as though she was a woman in her mid-twenties, and one who was attractive enough to turn heads around the street multiple times.
"And why exactly would I want to do that? Your father and I are the happiest we've ever been, and the sex has been just –"
"LALALALALALA – NOT LISTENING – LALALALALA!"
She rolled her eyes. "Oh please, I've seen you perform autopsies on brutalized corpses without batting an eyelash, and somehow you regress back to an infant whenever I mention my bedroom activities with your father."
Issei gave her a straight look, which was somewhat funny because of how puffy and swollen his eyes were. "Ka-chan, in my infinite pursuit of all forms of knowledge of the world and the universe, to discover the meaning to life and the purpose of existence, nowhere in there does that call for me knowing or picturizing the concept of my parents involved in sexual activities."
Haruka sighed. "There you go again. You always revert back to using fancier terms and language whenever you get defensive."
"I'm not defensive – I just don't want to know what my mother does in the bedroom!"
"Oh that's not the crux of the matter and we both know it. You always get defensive whenever I talk about things like getting a girlfriend, or sex, or going out to meet people your own age."
He snorted. "People my own age are hormonal driven idiots; sex is a time-wasting activity which consumes a great deal of energy and requires a ridiculously stupid level of openness in exchange for a rush of oxytocin, dopamine and other biological chemicals that the brain interprets as pleasure, and I do have a girlfriend – Kiki."
"I didn't know we were a couple Issei-sama! That's great!"
Haruka sighed. "You're becoming a hikkikomori Issei-kun."
Issei balked. "What? Just because I decided that it's a waste of my time to go outside and communicate with ninety-percent of the human population that are made up of fickle-minded, prejudiced and ignorant people doesn't mean I'm becoming a shut-in!"
Haruka crossed her arms.
"Oh come on Ka-chan! You know how it is with me – I don't get "normal" people! They worry over the most insignificant things, do the most asinine things, they fail to plot their time and spend their lives drifting aimlessly from one day to the next in a set pattern of dull meaningless actions that serve no further purpose than to fill a blankness and numb the sensation of time passing. Then they have the gall to call this façade: living!"
The woman shook her head. "Alright, that's it Issei-kun. I'm not going to allow you to spend the rest of your life in here alone."
Issei, despite his eyes still swollen, blinked.
"Kiki – shut down and lock up Issei-kun's lab, and leave only the things he needs to fix his eyes available."
The brown haired boy let out a laugh.
"Nice try Ka-chan, but Kiki requires a long, complicated master control code in order for you to give that command. Not even the CIA or MI6 would be able to crack the full, extremely randomized passphrase that would leave their best and brightest a sniveling, sobbing mess on the cold floor. There is no way in the world you could –"
"Code Phrase: I-Masturbated-To-Irina's-Pictures-After-Realizing-She-Was-A-Girl."
"Passcode Accepted. Commencing Lockdown."
"KIKI YOU TRAITOR!"
"I TOLD YOU THAT IN CONFIDENTIALITY!"
Haruka merely gave a satisfied smile as she watched the lab fold and compress on itself into numerous different vaults.
"I think it's cute that you have a crush on Irina-chan. Maybe you should go see her! Go explore your fleeting youth!"
"I created a formula capable of stopping the aging process when I was twelve! My youth is anything but fleeting!"
"I can't believe I'm flying to England."
Issei said with a grumble to himself, as he had a pair of large headphones which were placed on his head, but which were not playing any music however, and were instead placed there as a means to be able to legitimately ignore people under the guise of listening to music. However, he was using it at the moment to make a call.
"Oh relax Issei-kun. It's been what, seven, eight years since you last met Irina-chan? I think she'll still remember you."
He rolled his eyes. "No, I meant, I can't believe I'm literally flying to England. If you hadn't locked down my lab, I'd have grabbed my teleportation belt and I'd be there already."
"No. No fancy go-go-gadgets with you Issei-kun. You always get distracted when you're with them."
"I do not!"
"There was that time in Brazil."
"I just made a tiny detour –"
"You went in search of the lost city of El Dorado."
"Okay, so not exactly a tiny detour –"
"And what about the time in Hawaii?"
"I wasn't distracted; I did get in the water with you and dad didn't I?"
"Yes, until you decided to go searching for the lost city of Atlantis."
"It felt like a good idea at the time…"
"And let's not forget what happened while we were in London."
Issei winced. "Yeah… we were almost barred from ever returning to the UK weren't we?"
"Well, considering that a little Japanese boy mistook the Queen's extravagant pleasuring tool for the Sword of King Arthur –"
"It was too realistic! It wasn't my fault for making that mistake! And the Queen is old! How was I supposed to know she still used something like that?!"
"My point Issei-kun, is that misadventures seem to gravitate towards you whenever you're with your equipment. This time around, you're going simply to see a longtime friend, and then perhaps to hit it off with her, find love and have sex, and then give me some nice beautiful grand-children –"
Issei took in a deep sigh. "Ka-chan, I think you keep forgetting that I'm sixteen. Normal sixteen year olds don't have sex –"
"Normal sixteen year olds also don't have twelve PhDs and thirty-six MDs."
"Thirty-seven." He corrected automatically, before coughing into his hands "But that's not exactly the same thing. Besides, isn't Irina supposed to be a nun or something? Or a woman of the church? She's probably taken an oath to chastity."
"Well some oaths were just made to be broken."
Issei's fully healed left eye twitched. "You're a horrible corrupting influence ka-chan."
"I love you too Issei-kun."
The boy let out a full breathed sigh, before his ears picked up something on the other side.
"Wait, Ka-chan, did you decide to send me to England to find Irina just so you and tou-san could have sex everywhere in the house without me around to make things awkward?"
Issei rubbed his nose in irritation.
The teen prodigy sighed as he got up to his feet, and then stretched as well as he could, before he eventually looked over to the time, and he realized that his flight would be in an hour.
"Really, really inconvenient. Fastest method of transportation my ass."
"This has to rank amongst one of the stupidest thing I have ever done."
Issei sighed to himself as he stood outside of Heathrow International Airport. He slowly rubbed his palm across his face, as his luggage was ludicrously light, consisting only of a small backpack which was slung across his back.
His clothes were such in a manner that they would not seem out of place in a teen fashion magazine. Which was actually true, because his mother had been the one to buy them for him, and she had picked them straight out of a teen fashion magazine. With skinny jeans and sneakers and a hoodie – because London was cold – he would make for a rather attractive sight.
If he was not repetitively slapping his palm into his face.
"Oh, I know, I'll just drop by her house and say 'hey! I haven't seen you in over eight years! My mother found out that I once masturbated to a picture of you, and she thinks I have a crush on you, so she sent me halfway across the world so we can have sex.'"
He sighed, before immediately bringing up his smartphone.
"Alright Kiki, I'm removing you from time out. I don't appreciate you telling ka-san the passcode, but I suppose these things happen."
"Yay! Thank you Issei-sama!"
He rolled his eyes. Damn he was a real softie.
"Alright, alright. Now scan the local databases, phone records, addresses, contact information, social media platforms, and hijack the global satellites and street cams if need be. Find anything you can find on Irina Shidou."
"You… don't know her address Issei-sama?"
"It's been eight years. She could have moved."
His phone gave a brief beep.
"Found her Issei-sama."
"I know I didn't give you a 1024 Petabyte RAM for nothing. So, where is she?"
"She seems to be leaving the secret headquarters of the Ordo Hermeticus Aurorae Aureae."
Issei blinked. "Come again?"
"It's Latin for –"
"Yes I know it's Latin for the Hermetic Order of the Golden Dawn, and I know what the Golden Dawn is. My concern is: one, they should have gone extinct since 1903, and two, Irina is a member of the church, what is she doing visiting one of the largest single influences of Western Occultism?"
"I have gained access to their camera databases Issei-sama. Would you like to see?"
"You know me too well Kiki."
The image on the screen immediately went to that of a large, elegant room, and in no time at all, Issei was able to spot the chestnut-haired girl that was his childhood friend. Except –
"What in the world is she wearing? And – is that a sword at her hips?"
Irina Shidou stood, across from a tall man with dark blonde hair and an intimidating physique.
"Though I understand your concern, I assure you, we of the Golden Dawn have nothing to do with the missing Excalibur fragments."
Irina smiled, before sighing. "Thanks. Sorry for the inconvenience, but the Archbishop asked to check if Caliburn and Excalibur Ruler were safe –"
The man snarled. "They have been taken away by Arthur. Foolish young brat probably went off in search of some type of adventure. His sister is here, still scuttling uneasily around the halls, and it is clear she wishes to join her brother and leave – ingrates, the both of them."
"Ah … okay. Um, again, sorry to waste your time. May the blessings of the good lord visit you."
Issei stared at his phone screen as it went blank, as the video feed had effectively been cut off.
The silence continued, even as people passed him by on the road, and he merely continued to stare at his blank phone.
"Um… Issei-sama… did you know that there is a House of Pendragon in London?"
His entire body was absolutely rigid, but he was still able to utter a single word.
"I am perusing through local databases Issei-sama. The MI6 computers have records of a House of Pendragon, and this House of Pendragon seems to be under the protection or influence of the Golden Dawn."
He brought up his hands and immediately started massaging his temples.
"You're joking. The Arthurian Legends are just that – legends. King Arthur never existed, the Excalibur never existed – there is a perfectly logical explanation for all of this."
Her tone came out completely low.
"There are official documents – the Excalibur… it exists... and… that's not all that exists…"
Hyoudou Issei would have made for quite the sight, as his eyes rapidly perused his handheld device, his eyes going wider and wider in disbelief, in skepticism, even as the photographic evidence was before him, of golden winged figures, of bat-winged figures, of dark-winged figures –
Even as what looked like undoubtable evidence seemed to prove the terrors of the night, and they proved the existence of concepts that he had long since discarded in the name of them being mere fantasy.
Issei immediately took in several deep breaths.
'Okay, let's say, hypothetically, devils and angels exist, as do ghosts and creatures of other mythologies. What does that mean? Well, it means that heaven and hell is equally real, souls are real, and that there really is a god.'
'Except, how then the universe come into creation? If there are numerous gods, which one was responsible for the creation of the universe? Did they all create it together, and then share themselves amongst the people of the earth when it was suitably populated? Or did one being create it all, and then the rest merely came into existence afterwards?'
'That is of course, assuming that they are actually gods. Think Hyoudou – you are the one who stated that any sufficiently advanced form of technology is indistinguishable from magic. What if these beings are not supernatural, or magical, but merely other humanoid based life-forms that grew believing themselves as creatures of myth? What if all 'Gods' are merely an advanced alien civilization, who have learned to harness physics and chemistry in manners that humanity as not? What if the Christian 'God' is really just a being from an advanced race or time, and all his feats or miracles are mere scientific achievements, but they are far too complex for my mind to unravel as science?'
All at once, Issei's mind was drawn to the sound of whirling alarms and screeching tires.
"The MI6 discovered I was hacking their databases… and they're here to arrest you."
"I just discovered that Gods could possibly exist, and you want me to worry about MI6 Agents?" he said, sounding baffled. "Unless one of them has the last name "Bond", I honestly don't think that's a priority right now."
"So… what are we going to do Issei-sama?"
The boy dragged down his sleeves and put on a pair of white rubber gloves.
"What we always do Kiki."
He pulled his hoodie up and wrapped a green bandanna across his face.
"Dazzle and baffle?"
Then, he added a pair of thick shades to completely obscure his face.
"MY NAME IS HARRY POTTER, AND I DEMAND TO MEET WITH THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND!"
"GET ON THE GROUND, OR WE WILL OPEN FIRE!"
"AVADA KEDAVRAAA! FOR VOLDEMORT!"