Xena's feelings about Gabrielle after the big battle in the episode „To Helicon and Back".
I watched this episode few days ago. When it ended I had tears in my eyes. Such a beautiful acting job both Lucy and Renee. Thanks to them I could feel every emotion and feeling Gabrielle and Xena had. I hope you will like this little fanfiction. This could happen after the big battle...
I Can Feel Your Pain
„You won," Xena whispered and looked into Gabrielle's eyes.
„I don't think I did. With each battle I lose more of myself."
„War's tough on us all, Gabrielle." the warrior princess tried to calm her friend with a supportive sound of her own voice which was almost at the point of breaking.
The forest was calm and silent, only the air was filled with the scent of the remnants of wood in the fire and subtle chirping of the night birds and owls. Gabrielle was asleep, wrapped in her bedroll. Her breathing was shalow and it looked like she couldn't fall asleep as deeply as she would want to. The events of the previous day were haunting her. For someone who intended to fight evil with love the battle she was in together with her Amazon sisters most definitely left a mark.
Xena was sitting next to the fire looking at her dear friend. Everytime she closed her eyes she saw Gabrielle's empty eyes filled with rage. She could feel how broken she was and how lost she felt. Xena could count the times when she was washing off blood of her fingers. Not so often that happened as Gabrielle always used a staff or the other end of her sais.
„Xena, I.." Gabrielle wanted to say something but Xena raised her head up to face her friend and pressed her finger against her lips.
„Gabrielle, listen to me, you did what you had to do and you saved the Amazons. I know how painful killing is for you but you had no other choice. You need to let it go and stop hurting yourself," the warrior princess smiled and continued with washing Gabrielle's hands.
„It's not about doing the right thing or having no other choice. It is about losing the goodness and letting my dark side take over," Gabrielle said and there was worry in her voice.
„Honestly I am terrified where this anger comes from," she added and her hands slipped from Xena's. Without a single word she went to her place next to the camp fire and laid down, ready to go to sleep.
When it happened it took Gabrielle few days to get rid of the images of killing someone. It literally made her feel sick. Xena knew it and because she had her own experience she was sort of used to such feelings but when it came to Gabrielle it was different. She felt responsible for the way Gabrielle fought and how guilty she felt after each battle. She always tried to protect Gabrielle's innocence. This time it wasn't about that, it was about saving her own soul. They have spent so many years together and have been trough heaven and hell, always standing by each other's side. No matter how hard the situation was they always found their way back to one another. The last battle showed Xena that Gabrielle was really a changed person and how much she grew not only as a warrior but also as a person. So now there she was, holding herself in the middle of the night, thinking about where Gabrielle would be if she didn't meet her and where she would be if there was no Gabrielle in her dark life. Was her redemption worth Gabrielle's innocence and pain? Her blue eyes searched for Gabrielle's half hidden face and tears started to fill them. There was no other person in this world she would be more grateful for. Of course, there was Eve, her daughter. She loved her. She was a gift to her and Gabrielle. But when Xena considered all her life partners Gabrielle was absolutely the best person she could imagine to spend her life with. The only thing that shadowed such a beautiful relationship was all the pain and suffering that Gabrielle had to go through. All the good she had inside of her and lost while being on the road with Xena. Xena's heart was in pain and it was not only her own pain. She could feel her soulmate's pain surfacing and it hit her so strong. She couldn't stand it, she couldn't see how much her friend suffered. Everything seemed so worthless now. How she could fight for the better world when while doing so she would keep destroying the only good and pure person in her life.
Xena moved to the camp fire, laid down next to Gabrielle and ran her finger through her hair softly not to wake her. She moved closer and kissed Gabrielle on her forehead then pulled away to lay down.
„I can feel you thinking, Xena," Gabrielle spoke and it surprised Xena because she had no idea that her bard was awake. The blonde moved in order to be even closer to her dark haired warrior and put her hand over Xena's waist. Everytime she felt sad or in danger, she wanted to feel the presence of her best friend.
„What is it that keeps you up?" she asked and ran the tip of her finger over Xena's eyebrow. Xena moved to lay on her side facing Gabrielle.
„You," she whispered and touched Gabrielle's face. Their eyes met. Gabrielle's hand joined Xena's. Their fingers intertwined.
„I am sorry," Gabrielle whispered.
„No, I am sorry. It's me who is responsible for your pain. It's me who put you on this path, path of violence," Xena decided to share her feelings with her friend. This was one of the many things that Gabrielle taught her. She wasn't that open when it came to emotions before she met her.
„Xena, please, stop blaming yourself. Now I know that sometimes the only way is to fight especially if you fight for the greater good. You know that I tried to give up fighting and killing but believe me, you are one of the people in my life I would be willing to kill for or die for in a fight. You are worth the risk that I will lose myself while fighting," she confessed and it brought Xena a bit of relief. Now she knew that Gabrielle will be fine and she will make sure to be there, by her side to protect her from whatever comes.
„I love you, Gabrielle. I have never meant to hurt you. I promise I will try my best to spare you the pain," Xena looked at Gabrielle and took her face into her hands.
„I know. I love you too, Xena," Gabrielle answered. Xena pressed Gabrielle tighlty against her body in a warm hug.