written for the prompt I am not telling you how I lost my virginity, nope (with your favorite platonic pairing) and I picked Judal & Alibaba cause they are just...so much, okay? they're hilarious to watch interact XD
Alibaba is staring over the edge of the dragon again, watching the Dark Continent pass underneath them and probably moping. Judal's trying to ignore him because fuck if he wants to listen to whatever he's sad about today. He's been extra whiny lately, probably 'cause he's finally realized what a loser he is.
He sighs deeply - somehow - and Judal pretends he doesn't hear him. "You know, I've just been thinking about all the things I can't do now that I'm in this body…" Alibaba begins, making his way over to Judal sadly. Damn it. "I should have tried harder to get laid! Now I'll be a virgin forever."
Judal bursts into laughter. "That's what you're so worried about? What a loser!"
Alibaba's dead clay eyes manage to look even sadder. "Don't rub it in. Besides, have you even had sex?"
"Duh, of course I have. I've had all the sex! I could do it with anyone and everyone I wanted, you know. I was so important, everyone at the palace was just throwing themselves at me all the time," he brags, reveling in Alibaba's continual descent into sadness. Alibaba doesn't need to know that he's fudging the truth a little; he could have done it all the time. And now it's making him sound way cool.
"What?!" Alibaba exclaims. "No way!"
Judal looks down at him haughtily. "Of course. I'm not a loser like you."
"Man, Hakuryuu said that sort of thing happens in Kou, but I couldn't believe everyone did it. I guess it does…" he trails off dejectedly, before looking back up hopefully. "Wait, you could tell me all about it!"
"You know, what it's like," Alibaba says, gesturing inappropriately.
"Eww! I'm not talking to you about that sort of gross stuff!" Judal snaps, grimacing.
Alibaba takes his hand, eyes full of stupid optimism. "Come on, we're friends now, right?"
"You have to tell me what it's like," he pleads. "I'll never be able to touch a beautiful woman's chest, or caress her-"
Judal shoves a hand over Alibaba's mouth before he can continue. "I'm not gonna tell you about any boring girls. Why would you want that?"
Alibaba manages to escape his grasp and answer the question. "What are you talking about? Girls are beautiful, and- wait, how else are you having sex?"
He rolls his eyes. "With guys, duh. You're even less experienced than I thought."
"But what about all the girls who come to you? I thought it was like an assembly line thing, where you just had to go through them over and over," Alibaba ponders, lost. "Are there- are there guys like that?"
Shit. He didn't expect Alibaba to ask so many questions. "Yeah, sure," he says quickly, waving a hand. "So let's move on and remember what a failure you are instead."
"How does it work? I mean…" Alibaba pushes his hands together. "If there's two...you know…"
"You just do it," Judal answers, cheeks burning. How did Alibaba get him so riled up? He's not here to explain the birds and fucking bees to him.
"But where does it go in?"
"Why won't you shut up?" Judal finally snaps. "Look, I never fucking did it with anyone until Hakuryuu, 'cause that shit's all gross and I don't want random people pawing me up!"
Alibaba stares at him, frustratingly quiet. "So...you never…"
"I could have," Judal corrects huffily. "'Cause I'm not a lame-o like you. But I didn't wanna because I only deserve the best. So I waited because I have patience," he says, lying through his teeth. Alibaba doesn't have to know about all the times he begged for Hakuryuu's attention.
"...but why would you turn it down? Even just to try it once," Alibaba presses on, obviously still confused.
Judal ends up smacking him in frustration. "I already told you! It's icky and I don't like anyone but Hakuryuu. Jeez! And now I have to wait years to see him again, which is even stupider than all your weird questions!"
There's finally blessed silence after this outburst, and Judal thinks he's finally gotten his point across. Took him fuckin' long enough to catch on.
"But I still wanna know what it's like," Alibaba says, and Judal screeches.
"I'm gonna kick you off this fucking dragon, you stupid haniwa!"