It was a fine, sunny day in the SOS Brigade. The birds were singing, the people were walking with a spring in their step, and the Lucky Stars were nowhere in site. However, there was one member who wasn't happy at all.

Along the sidewalk walked a teenage girl with long orange hair. Her breasts swished idly from side to side as she walked, and her normally bright amber eyes were downcast. She had no pockets to stick her hands in, so she merely let her hands droop at her side. Coming towards her on the sidewalk, about a hundred feet away, was none other than her best friend in the world. Her idol, even.

Haruhi sped past her friend, at first seeming not to notice her, but then doubled back and caught up to her. She fell into step beside the girl and smiled.

"Hey, what's wrong, buddy?"

The girl didn't look at her.

"I said what's wrong, Mikuru?"

There was a long pause. Then, slowly...

"It's my birthday today."

Haruhi slapped herself on the forehead.

"D'oh! I forgot all about it! Buddy, I'm so sorry –"

"It's okay."

Mikuru looked back down. They continued to walk together for a while, and as they walked, the obnoxious bitch of a God racked her brains for what might possibly be upsetting her friend. It obviously wasn't that she had forgotten Mikuru' birthday; she never minded that. No, something else was at work here, but Haruhi was stumped. So she decided to push her friend a bit further.


The girl looked at her with her big, moist eyes.

"What's wrong, buddy?

Mikuru stopped dead and turned to her friend.

"I'm sixteen, Haruhi."


There was an awkward silence. Haruhi noticed the girl's hands shaking, and pangs of guilt shot through her when she noticed the tears welling in the girl's eyes.

"I'm sixteen. I've... Never had a boyfriend."

There was another long silence. Then, slowly, Haruhi reached down and took one of the girl's hands in her own. Looking into her friend's eyes, she saw the long withheld pain and agony of never having found love. Then she smiled.

"Buddy, I think I can help you let go of some of that pain."

"You... You can?" said Mikuru, her chin quivering as a tear rolled down her cheek.

"Yeah. Follow me back to my apartment."

They began to walk. As they did, Haruhi held onto her friend's hand, and smiled when she felt the girl squeeze her hand. She squeezed back.

Haruhi's apartment was a mess, in every sense of the word. Cardboard boxes filled with moldy pizza littered the place, and there was a mess of old Alfred Alfer pornos and poopie pies on the stove that could only be described as (deliciously) rancid. And yet, as Mikuru walked into the apartment, she couldn't help feeling a little bit giddy. She was suddenly not as miserable as she had been out there on the street. Haruhi, for her part, just smiled to himself. The plan was going swimmingly.

"Wanna watch some TV, buddy?" she said, sitting down on the couch and patting the space beside her. Mikuru smiled, and Haruhi felt butterflies in her stomach as she watched her friend's cheeks dimple into her trademark grin. She looked so cute when she smiled. The girl sat down next to her.

As they watched "Reptar on Ice", Haruhi waited for the opportune moment. Outwardly she was relaxed, but inwardly she was hornier than all of the Lucky Stars combined. As soon as she sensed Mikuru's muscles relaxing, as soon as she felt the tenseness and stress in those thin little shoulders disperse, she made her move. Slowly, unobtrusively, she put an arm around her friend. There was a short pause. Then, something wonderful happened. Mikuru gave a long, content sigh, and laid her head on Haruhi's shoulder. Her ear twitched adorably.

Haruhi let her left arm slide down Mikuru's shoulder, over her elbow, onto her wrist, until her hand rested on top of her friend's. she began stroking the back of the girl's hand, then reached over with her right and and let it rest on Mikuru's belly. she gave a pleasureful shiver as she felt her hand touch the downy-soft white skin of Mikuru's stomach. Her own skin was greasy and filthy (Haruhi's too stupid to use her godly powers to clean herself, or otherwise make this not all too apparent), but Mikuru's skin was like a plushie heaven. The final step, that last point of no return, was the only step left.

She leaned down and planted a gently kiss on her friend's lips.

That did it. Mikuru laid herself down flat on her back, pulling Haruhi on top of her. The couple scuffled together, Haruhi's filth spreaded lustily as she ran her hands up and down her friend's thin body. Mikuru's frame was just indescribable – so lithe! So soft! So submissive! So completely vulnerable, open to her every touch... Mikuru made a sweet little half-moan sound into Haruhi's mouth as the girl slid her tongue into the warm, moist crevice of her friend's face, feeling every contour of the girl's little trap. Then, she reached down and groped her tight little bum, squeezing each muscular little cheek in turn.

"You have an amazing ass, Mikuru," said Haruhi, nibbling Mikuru's lower lip. Mikuru smiled up at her.

"You're perverted."

Haruhi made no reply, but slid her hand down into her friend's crotch. Like all of the Japanese female humans, Mikuru's genitals were hidden in a thick bushy muff. Haruhi stroked up and down over the sensitive area, grinning maliciously when a quivering pink clit came sliding up out of her bush. Haruhi rolled the sensitive clit between her thumb and forefinger, causing Mikuru to whine erotically into her ear. Then, she slid down, until her eyes were at a level with the throbbing labia.

She licked underneath the tip, lubricating the sensitive skin on the base of the rock-hard cunt. She noticed that Mikuru was not the most well-endowed girl in the world downstairs, being only about four inches long, but hey, Haruhi doesn't have to put up with this biological fuckery, so she made that shit GROOOWWWWWWW!

Haruhi wrapped her lips around Mikuru's now sixteen foot clit and began bobbing her head up and down, dragging her lips along the cunty shaft. She'd learned a lot about sucking long fleshy things back in Mexico. The first time she'd set foot in a Taco Bell parking lot, she'd been captured in a giant shit burrito by Emily Youcis, who had, as part of a submission ritual of her white trash tribe, forced her to deep throat her enormous red dong on a daily basis. She'd gotten to the point where she could bring the voluptuous young lass to orgasm in twelve seconds flat by shoving the entire length of the wang down her throat and swallowing rapidly, using the muscles of her trachea to give her captor a penile massage. Emily, being high as FUCK at the time, had christened the move "The Infernal Lamprey Dicksuck of Doom", and the name had stuck.

Haruhi continued blowing Mikuru, reaching down to nibble and lick her hairy ass crotch. Soon, she sensed that her friend was ready.


The girl looked at her and giggled girlishly.

"What is it, Haruhi?"

"Turn around. Get on all fours."

Mikuru complied, standing on her hands and knees, raising her butt in the air, presenting her puckered little pink asshole to her friend and comrade. She even arched her back so that her hot butt stuck up like a whore's ass. Haruhi, enticed by this lascivious spectacle, leaned down and trailed the tip of her pointy moist tongue around Mikuru's nether entrance. The girl gasped as she felt Haruhi's warm tongue probing her tight prune-wrinkled anus, then grunted.

To Haruhi's utter surprise, her friend quickly shat out a small round turd that went directly into her mouth and down her throat. She nearly gagged as the foul taste began to spread over her tongue like an open sore – but then realized something. She was enjoying that taste.

"Mikuru, buddy, do that again." she said, opening her mouth. The girl complied and began producing her buttery brown output in abundance, squeezing out a long, spaghetti-noodle turd that quickly became liquid, spraying out acidic yellow-brown diarrhea that tasted faintly of peanuts and vinegar. Haruhi slurped it all down, feeling the spongy, bitter taste of shit fill her mouth and throat, burning in her nostrils and stinging her eyes. Just when she was beginning to think it couldn't get any better, an inflamed vein on Mikuru's perineum busted open like a pimple and the girl began pissing blood into her friend's mouth. The hot blood in her mouth drove Haruhi over the edge and she came, her shuddering clit and vulva exploding and releasing a torrent of bubbling, chunky semen all over the couch (Haruhi don't give a fuck). However, this did nothing to relieve her raging cunt-on. All fifty seven feet of her throbbing clit had become so engorged with blood that the veins were now pulsing visibly. It was with hot lust running through her veins that Haruhi grabbed Mikuru's shoulders and shoved her down, forcing her into a position where her chest was on the couch, but her knees were still supporting her lower body, causing her ass to point up into the air invitingly. The tard goddess figure that Mikuru's asshole was probably already pretty lubed up with blood and shit, but just to be safe she hawked up a great ball of mucus and spat it onto her friend's filthy, scat-covered anus. She grabbed the girl's slender waist with one hand, and used the other to direct the bulbous, puffy hood of her slightly crooked clit into Mikuru's asshole. Then, without mercy, she pushed her cunt into the girl's tight little poop chute. There was enough lubricant there already, but as if Haruhi's steely love-rod were meant to ravage her friend's anal cavity, the lining of Mikuru's anus began to tear, supplying even more blood to keep the fuckfest going. In and out, in and out went the gargantuan god-cunt, until Mikuru screamed with pleasure and blood and shit began bubbling out around the perimeter of the stretched anus.

Mikuru Asahina was receiving the assfuck of her life, and she moaned with ever-building pleasure as Haruhi pillaged her holy lands.

"Oh, please fuck my asshole, fuck it harder, oh FUCK yes! Please, Haruhi, gimme a reach-around! I'm coming! I'm coming! I'm, I'm, unh, unh, unh unh unh ugh AAAAAAGGHH!"

Haruhi reached one hand around and began jerking her friend's clit, then used the other to grab the hair on top of the girl's head and pull it back, showing her primal dominance by forcing the submissive partner to crane her neck back as she shrieked out her orgasm. Haruhi laughed maniacally as she felt Mikuru's shoulder go into spasms in her hand, shooting wad after wad of, thin, pale, yellowish semen all over the filthy couch cushions. Then, with a feeling like being kicked in the balls (or in the tits), Haruhi herself came, this time with an explosion larger than the first one, shooting chunks of baby-batter up Mikuru's chocolate tunnel so far that the girl could have sworn that she felt them land in her stomach. After this, they both collapsed in a sweaty, shitty heap, tongue kissing each other deeply. Deciding that it was not yet too late for an even kinkier twist, Haruhi reached between the couch cushions and pulled out a dirty, jizz-encrusted handkerchief.

"Turn around, love."

The girl complied, and Haruhi used the handkerchief to tie Mikuru's wrists together behind her back, then, laying the girl down face-up on the couch, began to gently massage her chest. Mikuru let her head recline backwards, a faint smile playing across her face. It was heaven.

After a while, Haruhi leaned down and began kissing the soft skin of her friend's neck, and it was at that moment that Yuki Nagato came walking into the apartment.

"Hey, Haruhi, do you still want to go – what in the world?"

She gazed at them, wide eyed, a black laptop bag still dangling daintily from her right arm.

Haruhi looked up at her and smiled.

"Yeah, what is it?"

She stared at them, her eyes growing even bigger, and took a step back.

"Were – are you guys – you're wrestling, right? Right?" she said, her voice becoming shrill.

Haruhi flicked her tongue at her suggestively.

"No, we were making love. Problem?"

Yuki gaped at her for a moment. Then she turned around ran screaming down the apartment steps. Haruhi looked back down at her lover.

"I love you, buddy."

"I love you too."


I edited this shit ages ago, back in my kitron kreup shitspam days. It's a pretty fucking gay ass story, and it's not even mine. It used to be a Sonic fanfic, and the guy that made it (I can't find their name,) made some other crazy Sonic shit from what I remember, but nobody gives a damn about Haruhi at this point, so lmaooo.

I don't disclaim anything and I hope Emily Youcis stabs the creator of Sonic the Hedgehog in the balls. It's what Richard Spencer would've done.