Just to show I'm not dead. I know I haven't posted in a while, you can blame that on Final Fantasy 9. I thought I'd start the season right with a bit of 'Holiday Cheer'.

Two Christmas fics, from Carrot Glace.

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How Ranma Stole Christmas

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Every Tendo in the dojo liked Christmas a lot, but Ranma, who lived along side the three girls, did not.

Ranma hated Christmas, the whole Christmas season. Now please don't ask why, no one quite knows the reason.

It could be that his father was to blame, it could be his fiancees. But I think that the most likely reason of all, may have been that his ego was to sizes too large.

But, whatever the reason, the girls or his ego, he stood on the rooftop hating the season. Staring down by the window with a sour frown at the bustle below him. He knew every Tendo in the dojo was busy now, hanging a mistletoe wreath.

"We hung the stockings last night! Tomorrow is Christmas! It's practically here!" The he growled and sat with a frown on his face. "I must stop this Christmas stuff from coming!" for tomorrow he knew...

They'd start the party, everyone would start coming. All the rivals and fiancee's would come. He'd have to greet everyone, no matter how dumb! First Mousse and Ryoga would probably appear. They'd be civil at first, but he knew what was coming. "As soon as they know that no one's around, the pair will attack!" he thought with a frown. Then he'd fight, and he'd fight and he'd fight, fight, fight, fight!

And when that was over, what would appear. Why the three fiancee's of course! His face changed to a leer. He paced as he thought of the horrors they'd wrought.

First Akane would come from the kitchen with arms full of food. She'd chase him around with a spoon of the waste. That was something that he did not want to taste.

Then Shampoo and Ucchan would enter the fray. Each armed with their weapons, he knew that he'd pay.

After a time they'd loose interest in the sordid affair, but it would be far from over. They would sit in a circle glaring. They'd glare, and they'd glare, and they'd glare, glare, glare, glare! They the moment would happen and the fiancee's would start screaming!

"Ranma is mine!" Ukyo would cry!

"You no have him!" would be the Amazon reply.

"Foolish harridans! Ranma samma is mine!"

"Who wants that jerk anyway?"

That's one thing he hated, the noise, noise, noise, noise!

Next would be the only part Ranma could stand. The Tendo's and friends would gather around. They'd sit at a table and they'd have a big feast. They'd feast, and they'd feast, and they'd feast, feast, feast, feast! Ranma's sour frown softened at this, but it returned soon enough.

They'd feast on Kasumi's cooking for a short while, and then Akane would appear again. She would slam it on the table directed at him. He'd gasp and he'd stutter, and then he'd look away. "I don't know where you found this. I threw it away!"

Then Akane would pound him and he'd miss the whole meal. Until Ukyo would appear with her holiday cheer. She'd give him her special holiday meal. Eggnog Okonomiyaki.

Eggnog Okonomiyaki was a feast he couldn't stand in the least!

And then they'll do something that he liked least of all. They'd splash him with water and then they'd start singing.

They'd sing, and they'd sing, and they'd sing, sing, sing, sing.

And the more Ranma thought about the holiday singing, the more that he thought. "I gotta stop this thing! For almost a year I've put up with this junk! I gotta stop this Christmas stuff from coming! But how?"

And he puzzled and puzed until his puzzler was sore. It didn't take very long.

Then he got an idea! An awful idea. Ranma got a wonderful, awful idea!

"Hey! I got it!" cried Ranma with his fist in the air.

He jumped from the roof and went into his room. He pulled out a bandana and snickered to himself.

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The night fell quickly in Nerima; everyone was sleeping not making a sound. When Ranma jumped out of his window with a sneer. The bandana was tied right under his nose. He snuck to the dojo and smiled to himself. "Damn I'm smart!"

All the windows were dark. Quiet snow filled the air. All the Tendos were all dreaming sweet dreams without care. He opened the doors and jumped back with a shock. He was nearly blinded. "Well, I can see Akane helped with the tree again this year." Pulling on some large rubber gloves, he snuck over to the plug and gave it a tug. The tree was out now, and he gave a small shrug.

After a moment of thinking he walked to the wall. "These stockings," he grinned, "are the first things to go!"

Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant, around the whole room, and he took every present! He stuffed them in bags, then quite nimbly; he tossed them outside and went into the house.

He slunk to the icebox and he took the whole feast! He cleaned out the icebox as quick as a flash. "What the heck is Who-hash?" he said as he took the last can.

Then he tossed the food out with the presents and such. "And now, to take care of the tree!"

Ranma moved back to the dojo and frowned at the sight. The pine was hideous, a terrible sight!"

He lifted the tree into his arms and was promptly entangled.

"Stupid Akane! Why ya gotta put so much crap on?" He struggled a moment not managing to get free. When he heard a small sound like the coo of a dove. He turned around fast and hid in the tree.

Akane walked in and gave a small sigh. "I can't sleep." She walked into the room, not bothering with the light, and started a kata, in the middle of the night. After a moment she finished and said. "Ah that was nice," as she toweled off her head. Then she heard a small sneezing.

"What's that sound?" gasped the girl as she glanced around. Ranma froze in place, not even breathing a sound.

But you know that Ranma, not very smart or real slick, but faced with the threat of bodily injury. He thought up a lie and he thought it up quick! He cupped his hands around his mouth and gave a small call.

"Bwee!"

"P-chan?" said the girl as she jumped straight towards him.

Then who would appear through the doorway it seemed, but a tiny black piglet, it snorted and bounced, quite full of cheer. "Hey! P-chan!" she cried, "Come over here!"

After they had gone, the pig and the girl, Ranma returned to his task and walked out unscathed.

The last think he took was the karaoke machine. "Gotta make sure to get rid of this thing no matter what."

Then he did the same thing to the other fiancee's houses.

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"Great Grandmother? Why ugly walking tree out in yard with Shampoo Christmas Ramen in middle night?"

"Pardon dear? Go back to sleep, you're just dreaming."

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It was a quarter past dawn, all the Tendo's still in bed. When he pulled all his sacks on the top of the shed. "There that should do it, they won't find it here."

"Ain't gonna be no stupid Christmas this year! They're just waking up; I know just what they'll do! Their mouths will hang open a minute or two! Then those Tendos will all cry boo hoo! Well, Mr. Tendo anyway."

Then Ranma paused and looked at his stash. "What the heck am I doing?" he said with a gasp.

And what happened then? Well, in Nerima they say. That the young Ranma's ego grew three sizes that day!

"If they have Christmas without me there will be no cheer! I can't do that to them! It wouldn't be right!" He jumped into action grabbing his bags, and rushed to the dojo with cheer in his eyes.

He walked into the doors and everyone turned in pure shock.

"Uh, hi everyone."

The party was on; it was easy to see. Everyone gathered round him and ... well.

"You did this? Ranma you jerk!"

"Uh, I'm sorry Akane I don't know what came over me. I got this really weird feeling last night and..."

"Die Saotome!"

"Ranma prepare to die!"

"That wasn't very nice son."

"Aiyah! Why Airen do this?"

"You'd better have a good explanation for this Ranchan."

"Oh Ranma samma! Come into my arms!"

"I knew it! Thou art a demon Saotome!"

"Boy, I don't think that even The Crouch of The Wild Tiger will get you out of this one."

A few moments later, in a dumpster outside.

"Stupid Christmas..."

The End.

I know it didn't rhyme as much as it should have, but I'm no Dr. Seuss either. It was a joke folks, and a pretty good one at that I'd say.



Here's something else...



'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds, while visions of sugarplums danced in their heads.

My wife in her kerchief and I in my cap, were all settled down for a long winters nap.

When out of the rafters there arose such a clatter! I rushed to the window to see what was the matter!

I opened the shutters and what did I see? But a tiny bald man, with a sack... stuck on my antenna.

He tossed a small ball after untangling himself, and it promptly exploded, sending shrapnel and chaff. I ducked back inside, fearing the explosion you see, and rushed down the stairs.

And what did my wondering eyes come to see, but the tiny gnome sliding down the chimney. He hacked for a moment and dusted off all the soot, then he turned his gaze towards the tree... and gave it a leer. He turned his back away for a moment and I was frozen in fear, as the man dropped his pants and ...

After he finished his disgusting act, he charged through the house to the window and cracked it. Then reaching outside he pulled... my wife's panties down. Quickly glancing around he opened his sack, and stuffed the bras in and was off like a snap. He charged into the kitchen, to raid the refrigerator you see.

When he was done, he turned to see me, and dashed to the fireplace, quick as a whip. He stared for a moment and pointed at me. With a small evil chuckle he turned his head aside, and... shoved his finger up his nose before climbing back up.

I stood there agape at the horrors I saw. Not sure of what to say or do, I went back to bed and went to sleep again.

The next morning I woke, and found it all true, the house was in shambles, the cable out too! I knew right away, that I must find this man! I'll call him my master! Yes, that is the plan!

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"Soun! Quit goofing off and help me clean this up before the girls wake up! This is horrible! Who would do such a thing?"

"I'm not sure dear."

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"Tendo dojo huh? Well, that's the first time I've ever been caught. I'll have to remember that place."

The End.

That's enough Christmas Cheer for me. I'll get back to regular postings soon.

Ja!

Carrot Glace.

C&C to Carrotglace@juno.com