Legolas' Flaming Rant

Disclaimer: Characters belong to Tolkien.

Author's Notes: I received a flame the other day, which I was not happy about. The full rant (edited) is at the beginning of Mastery: Chapter 5. The flame is on the review pages. It gave me the idea for this little ficlet. The writer mentioned is not me, I wouldn't give up a story like that! Anyway, enjoy or whatever. They say that the war's starting soon, so as soon as I've typed this I'm off to tape up my windows and hangout the blackout curtains. ("We're gonna hang out the washing on the Siegfried Line.")

Legolas the Elf was bored. Mind-numbingly, buttock-clenchingly, heart- stoppingly bored. He sat on the ground, depressed at just how little was happening to him.

"And all because of some blinking flamer," he grumbled, pulling up some grass, "damn do-gooder thinking that they're so much more into Tolkien than everyone else."

He had good reason to be disgruntled. Legolas had been right in the middle of some very interesting activities with his old friend Aragorn, but his writer had abandoned the story just at the interesting bit. The rating had just been climbing up to an R (as that was all that could be posted on FFN) when some holier-than-thou person had flamed the author.

The comments had been unjustified, unfair and cruel on many counts. The flamer hadn't even had the decency to read the fic, and had only written the flame to put over their oh-so-great views on slash. They were even too cowardly to leave an email address.

And that was the reason why Legolas was sitting miserably with nothing to do. All he could do now was go back to the original trilogy, which he had been in since 1955. At least the fanfics gave him new adventures, in various ways. He could even just about stand the Mary-Sues (hey, it was sex) but what he hated most was the flamers.

They were the bane of every fanfiction author, with their offensive comments and apparently better morals. Legolas hated them, they prevented him from having fun.

"Anyone," he decided out loud, "who thinks that they are that superior should be lynched. And tortured first, slowly and painfully. I know there's a lot of authors out there who have very inventive ideas about torture."

Legolas sat pondering various methods of murder, his pale blond hair blowing in the breeze. His blue eyes widened as he realised that he was being described.

"I'm being written about!" he exclaimed, as Aragorn walked out of the trees. A familiar tingle in his groin told him that this was a slash fic. He leapt up.

"Kiss me, Aragorn," he declared, throwing himself at the man, "before the flamers notice!"


Hope you liked that. It does me good to get revenge on the evil flamers. And I mean you, so-called 'Protector of Tolkien's Creation'. Every fanfiction author who's ever been flamed should relate to this, I hope. It's the whole drive for revenge. Anyway, if you liked it, the review button's just down there [points hopefully].