Disclaimer: That's right, Konami owns all the characters, and I own zip. Big surprise.

A/N: I wrote this when I was getting a little frustrated with one of my other fics that I am in the process of writing. This is the first time I've ever attempted to write anything remotely funny, so please review and tell me if it was interesting at all.


Elevator Entourage


It was a bright and sunny morning in Budehuc castle when eight of the castle's residents boarded the elevator on the first floor.

"Where is Shizu?" Chris asked the other seven when the elevator doors closed behind them.

"Um. Well. It would appear that Shizu fell ill earlier this morning." Explained the young castle master, Thomas. "Tuta thought she should have the day off."

"I can't say I blame her for wanting a day off." Commented Aila. "It must be awful boring to stand around in this elevator all day!"

"I should think it would be!" Added Borus. "I'm glad I don't have her job, as I don't particularly like small, crowded spaces. It's long enough for me to be in her for one minute."

"Don't tell me that Borus, the 'swordsman of rage', one of the mighty six Zexen Knights, is a claustrophobic!" Nash exclaimed with a sardonic smirk. "At any rate, I should think that this contraption is easy enough to operate on our own." He added, ignoring Borus's spiteful glare.

"Well then, if that's the case, could someone kindly push the button and get this thing moving? I have things to do and places to be!" Lilly snapped.

"So do we all." Queen pointed out, but sighed and said, "Jacques, could you? I think we're all heading for the ship."

Jacques, who was standing right beside the panel that controlled the elevator, pushed a button, and the elevator began to descend.

Everyone was silent for a moment as the elevator continued to descend. Suddenly, it came to stop. The seconds passed. The doors did not open. Someone coughed. "Is it supposed to take this long to open?" Chris asked.

More silence.

"Is there a button that opens the door?" Aila asked when to doors still remained closed.

Thomas scratched his head. "I don't think so. I think it's supposed to open automatically.

"Ugh! You people!" Lilly huffed, and pushed her way over the panel, shoving Jacques rudely out of the way. "There must be an emergency button that opens the doors. Here, see?" Lilly pointed triumphantly at a button on the panel that read 'open doors'. She pushed it.

Nothing happened. She pushed it again. Again, nothing.

They all stared at the door in despair.

"Splendid job." Nash commented wearily. "Where would we be without you?"

Lilly shot him a death glare. "Shut up! The doors must be jammed!"

"Excellent deduction." Nash sighed, and leaned against the wall of the elevator. "Looks like we're going to be here for a while, until someone notices we're missing, or that the elevator isn't working."

"What do you mean, we're going to be here for a while? I can't stay in here!" Borus exclaimed, unable to disguise the evident panic in his voice.

"Not so big and tough now, are you, you butchering ironhead!?" Aila spat, taking advantage of the situation to mock the knight she despised.

"Aila, not here. . ." Queen muttered.

Borus turned on the girl with rage. "Watch your tongue, girl!"

"Make me!" Aila hissed, and lifted her chin in defiance.

However, Jacques took her by the arm and gently pulled her back, shaking his head in warning.

"For your information, I am not claustrophobic! I just. . . have important duties to attend to!" Borus stated with an air of importance.

"Like?" Queen prompted.

Borus glared at Joker. "I am acting as Lady Chris' escort this morning!"

"Escort? In our own castle?" Thomas asked meekly.

"My escort?" Chris echoed, obviously unaware of the fact until now.

"Yes, of course milady! You know I don't trust most of the ruffians at this castle with you!" Borus explained, casting an accusing eye at Nash.

Nash crossed his arms and tilted his head to the side, more amused by the subtle accusation then offended. "Ruffians? Ah, you mean to say you don't trust her with a 'ruffian' like me? Are you sure you didn't mean 'rival'?"

Borus bristled with indignation. "I beg your pardon? I daresay, I haven't the slightest idea what you're talking about!"

"And I daresay you do." Nash replied.

"Well I certainly don't!" Chris exclaimed.

However, the two continued arguing, oblivious to her cry of bewilderment.

"What are you implying, sir!?" Borus almost shouted.

"As if it wasn't obvious to everyone in the castle, the way you trail around behind her like a lovesick puppy." Nash replied coolly.

"Lovesick puppy?!" Borus bellowed. "*You're* the one who hangs around outside her room in the hallway day and night!"

This seemed to strike a nerve and Nash lost his composure. "You are much too possessive and unrightfully so!"

"You have no business looking at her the way you do! As I understand it, you are a married man!"

"And as I understand it, you are a haughty, foolish, sanctimonious bastard! I don't know how Chris or the other knights can put up with you!"

"Stop this nonsense at *once*!" Chris cried, exasperated and flustered by the argument. Her face was a deep shade of crimson, but whether it was due to rage or embarrassment, no one could say.

The two men both looked at her as though noticing she was there for the first time. Everyone else in the elevator was staring at them with mixed expressions of irritation and disbelief. Both men muttered a rather insincere apology and sheepishly backed away from each other.

"Thank Goddess that someone shut them up!" Lilly shouted. "I'm not sure how much more of their ridiculous melodrama I could take! They were giving me the biggest headache!" The two men glared at her, but she continued, oblivious. "Never have I known such incompetence! Except, maybe with Reed and Sams! I'm going to kill those imbeciles for this!"

"Um, how is it their fault that the elevator doors are jammed?" Thomas dared to ask.

Lilly stared at Thomas with annoyance. "They should have realized that I've gone missing and saved me by now!" She replied, as though the answer was obvious.

"But we've barely been stuck for ten minutes!" Queen said incredulously.

"Ten minutes too long!" Lilly replied. "They should know where I am at all times! They should be worried sick about my whereabouts and searching every nook and cranny for me, and I bet they're goofing off somewhere!"

The other seven occupants of the elevator exchanged glances, and wisely decided not to comment on Lilly's indignation.

"What were you headed to the ship for Lilly?" Chris asked casually, still trying to keep her mind off of the earlier humiliating feud between Nash and Borus.

"I was going to Goro's to take a bath." Lilly replied, full of self- importance.

"I thought you said you had important matters to attend to?" Aila asked, scowling.

"Excuse me, my relaxation and hygiene *is* very important, thank you very much!" Lilly retorted and pointed an accusing finger at her. "And where, may I ask, were you headed that was so important?"

Aila suddenly looked bashful. "I never claimed to be. . . That is. . . It's just. . ."

"Well? Out with it!" Lilly prompted, quickly tiring of Aila's incoherent muttering.

"It's. . . Well, Jacques wanted to show me the view of the lake during the sunrise. . . He says it's quite the sight."

"Like a date?" Queen asked, and continued, apparently unaware of the fact that Aila was becoming quite embarrassed with the topic. "I always knew there was something going on between you two, I remember when-"

"It's not like that!" Aila interrupted, flustered. She sheepishly looked back at Jacques, who was staring at the ground. Despite the fact that he seemed expressionless, his face had turned a brilliant shade of scarlet.

"Heh heh heh." Lilly chuckled at Aila and Jacques obvious discomfort.

Aila was overtaken by anger for the second time that morning. "What are you laughing at, you conceited aristocrat!"

"I beg your pardon? How dare you speak to me that way!"

Chris attempted to intervene. "Lilly calm down, we're all getting stressed out because of the elevator. Don't take it personally."

"Who asked you?!" Lilly retorted, pointing a finger at her.

"How dare you speak to lady Chris that way!" Borus exclaimed.

"It's best not to get involved, Chris." Nash whispered.

"You should take it personally, I meant every word!" Aila shouted at Lilly.

"Get away from lady Chris, ruffian!" Borus boomed when he saw Nash whisper to Chris.

"Borus, stop making such a big deal out of everything!" Chris cried.

Nash turned to Borus, his expression one of malice. "Must you continue to be such a self-righteous bastard in such trying circumstances?"

"Looks like it's not only the Grasslanders who think you're full of it, you idiotic ironhead!" Aila taunted.

"Excuse me, I'm not done with you!" Lilly shouted at Aila.

"Aila, stop making trouble." Queen hissed, losing her patience at all the fighting around her.

"Queen, can't you help me stop all this fighting?" Chris asked loudly, since it was hard to be heard over all the arguing.

"You're the Flame Champion, you do something!" Queen shouted back.

The arguing continued and intensified for the next ten minutes. Thomas sank to the floor in the corner, trying his best to stay out of it. "I didn't even want to go to the ship." He muttered to himself. "I wanted to go to the library!"

Through all the fighting and arguing, no one noticed Jacques as he calmly made his way over to the panel. He removed the panel and fiddled with a few wooden cogs behind it, eventually removing a piece of metal that had been stuck in the cogs, preventing the door from opening. Then, just as calmly, he replaced the panel and pushed the 'open door' button.

The elevator doors swished open, as though there had been nothing wrong in the first place.

Everyone the elevator fell silent immediately, their astonished stares switching continually between open elevator doors and Jacques.

Oblivious of the stares, he touched Aila's arm and guided her out of the elevator.

The other six stumbled out of the elevator after him, still trying to comprehend what had just happened. Regardless of their confusion, they were grateful to get out.

"Now that I'm out of here, I'm going to hunt down those two buffoons and give them a piece of my mind!" Lilly exclaimed.

"Geddoe is going to wonder what happened to me." Queen said, shaking her head, which was now aching terribly.

"I can't even remember why I was going to the library now." Thomas muttered.

"Another moment with that hooligan and I think I would have drawn my sword!" Borus added.

"Now I'm a hooligan?" Nash groaned.

"From now on, I take the stairs." Chris groaned. Then glared at Borus and Nash and added, "Without 'escorts'!"

"Jacques. . . If you knew how to fix the elevator why didn't you say something?" Aila asked him.

Everyone turned his or her attention back to Jacques, anxious for his answer.

Jacques paused, then shrugged nonchalantly. "Nobody asked."


A/N: Because it was written at 1:30 in the morning, I suggest you don't take too seriously. It was my attempt at humour, but it's probably only mildly witty at best. At any rate, I apologize for any out of character- ness and grammatical errors. Thank you for taking the time to read this! Reviews, as always, are greatly appreciated but keep in mind that this is my first humour fic, so be gentle.

Thanks again! ^_^