At the cemetery
The pregnancy test was like a ticking time bomb in my purse, and I could barely focus on what the pastor said at the grave. I was really relieved when it was all over and Chelsea's urn was buried in the ground. As expected, no one from L.A. had attended the funeral, so it was just a small group of mourners. I stepped nervously from one foot to the other and wished for a rest room, where I finally could do this damn test! But what if it was positive? Would this baby even have a chance, or would it die like my star child? Suddenly I heard the words of the doctor in my mind when he had told me that any further pregnancy would end in a miscarriage as well. I leaned against Julian and closed my eyes. My God, why haven't I taken precautions more thoroughly?
"Brooke? Everything okay?"
I opened my eyes and saw how worried Julian looked at me. "Yes," I lied. "I'm fine. Can we go home now?"
"Shouldn't we drive past Haley and Nathan to pick up Justin?" He asked.
"No, let him play with Jamie a little longer," I said quickly, adding in my mind; 'Until I did my test and we talked about it.'
"Fine with me. Then let's drive home now."
I was a nervous wreck when we finally entered the house. I took off my jacket, slipped out of my high-heeled pumps and went to the bathroom. If Julian found my behavior odd, at least he didn't say anything and didn't try to stop me. With trembling hands, I took the test out of the packaging and then read through the leaflet. It was one of those modern pregnancy tests that used words to show the result. And as if that hadn't been enough, you could also read the week number, how long you've been pregnant. The test was done quickly, and when I finally read the result after a few minutes, the word 'pregnant' literally 'jumped' at me. I closed my eyes and shook my head. That was impossible! I couldn't be pregnant! Apparently, I was further than I thought, because the number 3+ was written below. My heart suddenly began to race and I felt sick. I lost my baby in the 12th week of pregnancy. How far along was I now? How much time was left until I would lose this baby, too?
"Brooke? Are you okay in there?"
I took the test, wiped it clean and slipped it into my pant pocket. "Yes," I called hoarsely. "I'm okay. I just need a few more minutes." What a good liar I was. I wanted to hide in there forever, but I also knew that I couldn't do that. I had to talk to Julian. I pushed the latch back and went with weak knees into the kitchen. He was about to prepare the lunch.
"I thought I'd start fixing the meal," he said, smiling.
I felt a queasy feeling in my stomach. "Julian, I... can we talk for a minute?" I managed with difficulty.
He immediately stopped and frowned. "Sure, what's up?"
I took his hand and led him to the sofa, where we both sat down. "Do you remember when I told you that I can't have children?" I asked softly and looked at him.
"Um... yes, of course." He frowned in confusion. "Do you think I would have forgotten that?"
"No." I hastily lowered my head. "I didn't tell you everything," I admitted quietly.
"What does this mean?"
"Back then, in the hospital, after the miscarriage...", I began hesitantly, "the doctor told me that I have a uterine anomaly." I raised my head and looked at him. "He told me that I could become pregnant but that I wouldn't be able to carry the baby. Any other pregnancies would end in a miscarriage, too."
"Why are you telling me this now?" He asked, warily.
I quickly turned my head aside as I noticed tears forming in my eyes.
"Look at me, Brooke!"
He reached under my chin and forced me to look at him. And then I saw in his eyes that he had guessed the truth.
"You... you... are... pregnant?!" he stammered, looking at me shocked.
I nodded, tears running down my cheeks. Slowly, I pulled the pregnancy test from my pant pocket and put it on the table, visible to him. "I'm so sorry, Julian! I didn't want this to happen," I sobbed.
"We're going to another doctor to get a second opinion. There must be something they can do," he said after a brief second of shock. "The medicine is already 5 years further."
I saw despair in his eyes, but also determination to fight fate this time. As he put his arms around me, I leaned against him and closed my eyes. I wanted to believe so much that there was a way to save this baby. But I also knew that the chances were very slim. Even though the medicine was progressed, miscarriages still happened. Not everything could be healed or averted.
"I won't allow it that you lose this baby, too," he said firmly.
I smiled involuntarily. It was good not to have to fight alone this time. This wasn't only my baby, it was Julian's as well. And I knew he would do everything in his power to save it.
"Have you been to the doctor?" He asked.
I shook my head. "No, I just did the test. But it looks like I've been already pregnant for a while now."
He jumped up from the sofa, pacing nervously back and forth. "Call your gynecologist and make an appointment," he asked.
"What, right now?" I looked at him in confusion. "We just got back from Chelsea's funeral. And later we have to pick up Justin."
"We should get clarity as soon as possible, don't you think?"
I had to agree with him, but the events of the day had strained me. I was bone-tired and longed for a nap. "I can call and try to make an appointment for tomorrow or the day after tomorrow. Is that okay?"
He pulled me up from the sofa and hugged me. "If you have the appointment, let me know. I will cancel all of my appointments and accompany you."
Although I didn't want to, I involuntarily started to feel happy about the tiny baby that was growing inside me. I wrapped my arms around Julian's waist and leaned my head against his chest. "We're having a baby," I whispered, silently praying that my wish would come true this time.