A/N: Right now I'm sick and I'm sick of everything... I had a shitty-ass week last week and this is the product...please review it...

Disclaimer: All recognised shit is JK Rowling's...anything unrecognised belongs to me, including the song below. That belongs to me.


I get

This feelin'

I feel that something's not right

But by

The time

You're listenin'

The feeling's already gone by

-What I Want Tomorrow, 8 Cent Plantation

A Ficlet Without A Title

*Why is my life like this? No...no, why *was* my life like *that*?* I thought as I picked up the razor in my right hand. I stared at the sharp object. *An abusive step-father...a dead dad...a mother who doesn't give a rat's ass about me...I wonder why I didn't do this sooner...*

As the cool blade got closer to my wrist, I thought back to that day...that day when my world basically collapsed...


"James, you're father's dead," Mary, my 'mother', said. She said it like one would tell you that lunch is ready.

"What?" I said in disbelief. Tears came to my eyes almost immediately.

"Yeah, he was killed last night on the job."

My father was an auror for the Ministry of Magic. He had been murdered by Death Eaters, followers of the Dark Lord. I loved my father more than anything. My mother, I never liked her...in my mind, Mrs. Evans is my mother...and now Mr. Evans is my father.

Two days after the funeral, 'mom' started going out with Jack, who is now my step-father.

**End Flashback**

I placed the blade on my forearm and applied slight pressure. It sliced open a bit of skin and I exhaled. My mind slipped into the memory of the summer that had just passed.


Do you think that's FUNNY?" Jack shouted in my face. His breath smelled like beer. He was holding a piece of parchment in his hand. It was a letter from Hogwarts about the many pranks my friends and I pulled in our fifth year.

"No, sir," I mumbled.

"What did you say?"

"No, sir," I said again, louder that time.

"Don't speak to me in that tone, boy!" he yelled.

"What tone?" I said under my breath...he heard me.

"Shut up, you little smart-ass!"

He punched me in the face with a right hook. I let out a cry of pain, so he hit me harder. He kept on punching me until I fell down. Then he started to kick me. I don't even know what happened after I blacked out, thanks to a well-aimed kick to the back of my head. All I remember was waking up, using magic to conceal the injuries, and heading over to Lily's place. Her parents let me stay with them with no questions asked...I just told them that Jack and Mary went on vacation for the summer.

Truth is I drove them away...

**End Flashback**

I made another cut on my forearm so I would not have to feel the emotional pain any longer...


I had looked everywhere for James, but I couldn't find him. I decided to look out on the Quidditch Pitch to see if he was out flying. I went up to my dormitory to get a sweater. When I entered, I saw that there was a note on my pillow.

It read:


You have been one of my closet friends all these years. I just wanted to thank you for sticking with me through thick and thin. I do feel a bit bad, however, for you won't be able to say 'you're welcome' to me. I want to apologize for doing this, but I had to and it would take too long to write down why...

When you find me, I will be dead.


I read that last bit twice to make sure that I hadn't mistaken the words. Then, springing to action, I shoved the note into my pocket and ran as fast as I could to the sixth year boys' dormitory.

My other friends, Remus, Sirius, and Peter, weren't there. I opened Sirius' trunk and took out an old looking piece of parchment.

"I solemnly swear that I am up to no good," I said, tapping the parchment with my wand.

A map appeared on the raggy piece of parchment...the Marauders' Map...I scanned the map for James' name and found that he was right next to my dot. James was in the dorm's bathroom.

The blade rested on my wrist. As I went to apply pressure, the door to the bathroom opened. I turned, momentarily distracted from my task, to see Lily standing there.

"Accio razor!" she shouted. The razor, my most precious possetion, left my hand and entered hers. "What the fuck do you think you're doing?" she shouted at me.

"Lily, just give me the razor back and go away...you weren't supposed to find that note until later..."

"No way, James," she said. She threw the razor behind her, into the dorm room. Grabbing one of the washcloths from the counter, Lily walked over to me. "James, what...why are you doing this?" she asked as she took my left arm in her hands and applied pressure to my self inflicted wounds with the small towel.

"Because I can't take it anymore," I told her. "I'm so sick of everything!"

"Are you sick of me?" Lily asked me quietly. Her emerald eyes met my brown ones. "Are you sick of Remus and Sirius and Peter?"

"No," I said.

"Then you aren't sick of everything, now are you?" she said.

*Damn her and her logic,* I thought.

"Why are you doing this, James?"

"Lily," I whined, "don't do this to me, please...just go away!"

"No!" she said sternly. "Tell me why. You said in this note that I'm one of your closest friends and if that's true, then you are going to explain to me why the hell your trying to commit suicide...NOW!"

Lily looks so beautiful when she's angry with her long auburn hair and her emerald green eyes...

I sighed and slid down the wall. Lily slid down and sat next to me.

"When my dad died..." I told Lily everything...everything that I felt, everything that bugged me, why I was *really* alone during the summer...everything.

By the end of my little 'story' I was crying. Lily wrapped her arms around me in a hug.

"James, you didn't drive your mother and Jack away. She was a bitch and he was some guy who didn't deserve to call himself your step-dad. It's not you," she told me.

"Why would he be like that if it wasn't me?"

"James, shut up," she said. "You're being stupid. It isn't your fault. Why didn't you come to me or one of the guys? We can help, James. You could have went to talk to Dumbledore, he'd help too...killing yourself is giving up, it's taking the easy way out. I always thought you were the strong one..."

"God, Lily...I'm so screwed up!"

"I can help you, James, but you have to let me," Lily said. "Are you going to let me help you?"

I nodded.

We sat there for a long while and Lily just let me cry on her shoulder.

"Why do you want to help me so badly?" I asked quietly after too much silence.

"Because I love you, James," Lily said. Then, realizing that she had said this, she blushed.

"You do?" She nodded slowly, but surely. I smiled a real smile for the first time in a while. Someone loved *me*! Someone that I loved loved me! I was so happy, I couldn't believe it. "I love you too, Lily," I said. I said it and I meant it. I meant it from the bottom of my heart.

A/N: What did you think of that? I thought it wasn't too bad. Please review, it would really brighten up my mood. Thanks for reading.