Disclaimer: I don't own Bojack Horseman
So, I've always wanted to do a Bojack Fanfiction, but I never knew about what...when I was inspired to do this, after watching the latest season. So...yeah enjoy.
" Welp, my life is actually going pretty great right now. So, here's to actually getting your life on track." Said Bojack to himself, after pouring himself a glass of champagne he'd found in the fridge and sitting down on the couch. Hollyhock had found her mom and was probably off to enjoy a heartwarming, diabetes induced reunion, Princess Carolyn was no longer mad at him, and yeah there were still a few kinks to work out. Like Todd, and that whole thing with his mom, but overall life was going pretty great. He downed the champagne, and let out a content sigh...when his stomach began to rumble. He groaned lightly, and rubbed his stomach. It was probably nothing, just some dumb cramps...so why was everything spinning? Why was he beginning to sweat profusely? Why was there a ringing in his ears, and why was everything beginning to go numb? Everything felt cold...and then for a moment everything felt warm too.
He gasped, before opening his eyes, only to find himself in the planeterium. The billions of lights and stars were reflected on the large dome, showing the cosmos themselves. It was almost like they were showing space itself, instead of just the pretty colors and lights.
"What the fuck?" Said Bojack, as he looked around, when he smelled the faint buttery scent of popcorn. He looked up, and froze in his seat when he saw Sarah Lynn arriving, with two buckets of popcorn.
" Hey Bojack! I was wondering when you'd show up." Said Sarah Lynn happily, as she plopped down beside him.
" Uh what? I'm...I'm dreaming right? You can't be..I mean-"
" Oh this isn't a dream, you're dying." She said bluntly, before eating a handful of popcorn.
" I'm what?!" Exclaimed Bojack, immediately jumping out of his seat. The former pop idol snapped her fingers, and instead of the projected space time continuum there was Bojack in his living room, limp with the broken glass of champagne on the floor.
" Yeah, remember when we were on our bender? We headed to your place for a bit and you left some champagne in your fridge. Of course, you also forgot to leave the fucking cap on, so champagne laced with drugs and alcohol that's been left out in the open for...I dunno three years? You're gonna get germs and bacteria. I mean the good news is you're not dead yet, but you will be." Explained Sarah Lynn, as Bojack's eyes widened.
" What? No, no,no this can't be happening. My life was just starting to work itself out...I was in a good place!" Exclaimed Bojack. True he'd always known he'd die via alcohol, but he hadn't expected it to end like this...not like this. Not when he actually had something in life to look forward to, when he actually had someone in his life who made him feel...like he was a good person. He had barely begun to get to know his little sister, and there were so many things he wanted to tell her. So many things they'd never get to do, he never got the chance to be a good big brother to her. "I gotta get out of here."
" Yeah, I thought so too, when I first got here. But there's no getting out, this is it man. The final cut or whatever." She replied. "It's like, this is the end of the season, and they just finished shooting the last episode."
" What? No, no I'm not gonna die thanks to some bad alcohol." He replied in determination, making Sarah Lynn scoff.
"Yeah good luck. Exit's over there." She replied, snapping her fingers and showing the stars once more. The horse shook his head, before pausing. He might as well get some answers before leaving.
" So is this the good place or..." He let that last sentence trail off.
" Nah well I mean, I'm in Heaven. You're in the inbetween state, I think it's limbo? Anyway long story short, you get greeted by your relatives or people who you know that have died and they decide what happens based on what happened or what you did. " She explained, before taking a sip of soda. " Lucky me, I only had my dad and Herb up here, and they said I could go to Heaven so I did."
" Wait, you're saying our family and friends choose, if we go to the after life?" He asked. Well, good news he had some answers, bad news the only people who were dead in his life were Sarah Lynn, his family, and Herb. He gulped, as panic flashed in his eyes.
"Yup, and before you ask. My vote for you is the good place." She replied, holding out a thumbs up.
"It is?" He asked, having not expected that. He'd killed her, if it wasn't for him she'd still be alive. So, to know she was giving him a free pass into Heaven...no he didn't deserve it. " Sarah Lynn I-"
" Bojack listen, I grew up a lonely kid." She replied, snapping her fingers as on screen was projected the bad parts of her life as she spoke. " I grew up with terrible parents, co stars who didn't like me, people who wanted to use me for my fame, and yeah what you said to me all those years ago did fuck me up. But y'know what? You didn't give up on me. You were and still are, my friend. You were there for me, when I needed you. That bender we went on? The last night of it? Was also one of the best nights of my life! I was with someone who genuinely cared about me and who wasn't afraid to open up. So...yeah...Go to Heaven dude."
" Heaven? Hmpf, I know where I'm voting." Came Herb's voice, both of them looked up as Herb stood there. He didn't look like the cancer stricken person in his later years. Rather, he was back to the bearded, almost big boned looking man of his prime. Herb did however, look pretty pissed as he marched right up to Bojack. " You don't deserve it."
" What? ok look Herb, I'm sorry that the last time we saw each other wasn't great. But-
" Oh no Bojack, you deserve where I'm sending you to. Hell I'm gonna laugh my ass off, when Satan sticks his three pronged fork up your ass! "Yelled Herb. " You didn't stand up for me, you sold your soul and made your bed. So now, you have to lie in it!"
Bojack cried out, as Herb pushed him, and yelled as he fell down a dark hole. He let out an 'oof, as he hit the ground before groaning and rubbing his head before looking up. There was a ceiling illuminated by a strange glow. The horse turned, to see 'Horsin' Around' on a television screen. He stood up, and looked around to find himself in his childhood home before dusting himself off. Well, he should have expected that. That was one vote Heaven and one vote Hell. Thus far a tie, man he had to get out of here. He didn't want to die. Though he was just glad that Sarah Lynn gave him some form of closure.
" Would you move out of the way?"
He turned back to see his dad sitting there, looking as angry and bored as ever.
" Hey dad." Said Bojack, fully mentally preparing himself for the abuse that would ensue.
" Sit down." Ordered Butterscotch.
" I'm a grown man, you can't order me to do anything." Said Bojack defiantly, as he folded his arms. Butterscotch immediately stood up, and let the remote fall on the couch. " You don't scare me anymore dad."
" Don't I?" Asked Butterscotch, taking a step forward, making Bojack take a step back.
"Ok, maybe a tiny bit." He replied, though to be fair his dad was a pretty big and intimidating looking horse. The grey mustang scoffed, and sat back down.
" Pitiful. I always knew you'd turn out to be a good for nothing." Said Butterscotch, making Bojack roll his eyes because here was where the fun part began. " Course I gotta give you credit, you were much nicer to your mother than I would have been. If my mom had done to me what she'd done to you, I would have sent her to an especially bad home. The kind where the orderlies are...fond of ladies like her."
" Ugh, dad that's twisted! And sick! " Exclaimed Bojack. True his mom had been a bitch to him, but he wasn't that heartless. " And newsflash, I only did it because I thought she hurt my kid...who by the way is not my kid but yours!"
Butterscotch was taken aback, and Bojack stood a little taller, because now he had the winning edge.
" Y'know, I'm glad Hollyhock never got the chance to meet you. She would have been so fucking disappointed at the dad she really got. An abusive, drunk, asshole, who cared more about his never ending novel and about his own beliefs than his family! From the moment I was born you and mom made my life a living Hell! You tore down my tree house because I used non-American nails! You never let me express myself in anyway I wanted, you...ugh! Honestly Hollyhock is the only good thing that came out of you." Exclaimed Bojack.
" You don't understand, I didn't even want you in the first place! Your mother wanted to keep you, I didn't! I would have been glad to pay for an abortion but no she wanted to keep you. She thought it would be a good idea to get married, and start a family together. So all those times she told you you ruined her life? That wasn't just her being hyperbolic, that was her stating the truth. Neither of us wanted you." Replied Butterscotch, Bojack glared and punched his father in the face which shocked the two of them. Butterscotch immediately touched his nose and gasped as he saw blood.
" Well tough shit. You got me. I didn't ask to be born, you knocked up mom and she wanted to keep me. So no you don't get to blame me for ruining your lives. To paraphrase a friend of mine. ' You are all the things that are wrong with you. It wasn't mom forcing you to step up and take responsibility for a pregnancy she probably didn't even want either, it wasn't no one wanting to publish your novel, it wasn't you cheating on your wife, It wasn't even the little kid whose love and trust you destroyed for no other reason other than the fact he existed, it's you dad." Said Bojack, as Butterscotch stood there and looked at his son in slight awe. " Y'know what? Yeah I made bad choices, I screwed up big time, I am a huge asshole. But you're part of why I turned out the way I did...and I hope when mom gets down here you make each other as miserable as you made me."
There was a still silence, when the only sound was the static of the television screen. Butterscotch stood there, unable to even say anything...and everything around him came crashing down. He turned away from Bojack, who stood there completely ready to take on whatever his dad threw at him...only to find that wasn't the case. His dad was walking away from him.