What happened after Sarah and Chuck's kiss on that beach? What if it's only in fairy tales that they live happy ever after?
I don't own the TV show Chuck or any of its characters. I just do this for fun and to get out of boredom. English isn't my maternal language, I don't have a beta and I'm bound to make mistakes and screw up the time line or the storyline, probably both. That being said, I hope you enjoy reading as much as I enjoy writing!
Nothing. It had done nothing. Their kiss on the beach, it'd been useless. Even if it really seemed like a crazy idea, Chuck had really hoped it would work. She had seen it in his eyes… the hope. And once their lips parted, she had crushed every tiny bit of hope that he had left.
She believed him, everything he said when she asked him to tell her their story. How they met, the numerous adventures they had been on. Barstow, Paris, their wedding… she believed all of it but she didn't feel it. And when they had pulled apart and she'd looked into his eyes, all she could see was a mix of pure hope and truthful love. But she didn't feel it. Something broke inside her on that beach. She hated herself for hurting this nice guy but mostly because while listening to their story, she wanted to remember, she wanted to feel and she couldn't. She wanted to feel the passionate and endless love they shared. It would have meant that she could be something else than a lonesome cold-blooded killer. That she was human or that at one point, she had become one. But the Sarah Bartowski he was referring to was long gone. She couldn't resolve herself to lie to him and tell him she remembered, it would have been so cruel and unfair. So, she'd just shook her head no and whispered an apology before getting up and leaving him alone on the sand. She's been unable to look at him in the eyes a second time, afraid to find the hate and distress that she was causing him. She had just left without looking back, almost running to her car, ashamed of herself for being such a disappointment to the man she was supposed to love with all her heart.
It had hurt back then, three months ago on that beach but it was nothing compared to how much it hurt now. Now that her memories were back. It's not like she had all her five years missing returned in full length in a split second, just flashes here and there, glimpses of missions, moments of happiness, of love… moments with Chuck. And as she remembered, she felt again. She felt the love, the warmth of his embrace, the tenderness of his kisses, the happiness in his voice when he was teasing her. She remembered what it was to love and be loved, to have what she had always wanted, the possibility of a happy family. She remembered what it felt like to be vulnerable around him, to be herself, to be Sarah Bartowski.
Her first memory came back while she was driving one morning on her way to work, stuck in the famous L.A. traffic. For some unknown reason, she was listening to the radio when Nina Simone popped up in the speakers. She remembered Chuck picking up the song while she was waiting on his bed. She remembered thinking that this song was perfect, she remembered their kiss and laying down way too far from him for her liking at first. The warmth of his body as he stretched out his arm, inviting her to come closer to him. The feeling of being at ease and complete. The memory ended up with more kisses and clothes being discarded around the bed. Several angry drivers had shaken her away from her memory with furious honks indicating her that she should move her car out of the way.
Her second memory came back while being totally bored in her motel room, going through many TV channels until she stopped on The Incredibles. She wasn't into animated films or any kind of films for that matter but seeing the little superheroes brought her back to her wedding vows. When Chuck had said that their kids would be like little superheroes with little capes and stuff like that. And she remembered her own words, that he was a gift that she deserved. Bullshit. She didn't deserve him. She never had and never will. She had betrayed him, lied to him, threatened his sister, and hit him. Left him on that beach when he had asked her to trust him.
As the days passed, the more she remembered and the more she felt. After three months, she was in love with Chuck Bartowski again and she missed him desperately. Now she knew what had broken inside of her at the beach, it was her heart. She was heartbroken and miserable. The CIA had given her a month of vacation and she had stayed in a cheap motel near Burbank, as she had told Beckman, she needed to find herself. After that, they had stacked her in an office as Senior Analyst. She wanted to go back on the field but her superiors denied her the only thing she had left in her life, being a damn spy for the agency. Every day she would go to the same building, to the same office, supervising the same Junior Analysts and go back to her cheap motel. Alone. That was all the CIA was allowing her to do for now until they decide that she was ready to go back to the field.
She had been checking on him from time to time, avoiding being seen of course. He was still working at the Buy More and still living in his apartment in Echo Park. There was that girl too. Beautiful, tall brunette, wearing a Nerd Herd uniform. Probably his new handler, he still had the Intersect after all. Or maybe she was just another agent, Chuck was a good spy and he didn't need a handler. Besides, it was her who was supposed to protect him, not some random leggy brunette. But once again she had failed him. He'd taken a bullet to protect her when Quinn tried to kill her and she left him there, alone and in pain. She could have chosen to stay by his side even when he told her to run, but she had run anyway. Whoever that brunette was, she would probably do a better job than she had.
Sarah had felt sick watching them crossing the parking lot, talking and laughing. He seemed happy. She smiled despite the tears running down her face, seeing him smile like that, she was happy for him. He had moved on and he deserved it. Were they a couple? If this girl was his handler or his partner, did they have a cover story of being together? Bile rose up in her throat at the thought of them together. In their bed, the bed that they used to share. She took a long calming breath and wiped her tears. He was okay and it what was mattered the most. With one last look at the man she loved, she drove back to her motel.
She had thought multiples times about going to his place, knocking at the door. Imagining that he would open and smile at her. She would tell him that she remembered and that she loved him. Sometimes, she would tell him that she was sorry and he would wrap his arms around her and gently kiss her head, telling her that he missed her. Some other times, after telling him that she loved him, the CIA brunette would show up behind him, in a black negligée, asking who was at the door.
As much as she wanted to, she couldn't go back to him. He deserved to be happy, he deserved someone better than Sarah Walker, someone who would never let him down and keep up on her promises. She was just not that person for him, not anymore, not after everything she put him through. It pained her, sometimes the pain was so strong that she couldn't breathe.
This morning the pain was intense, she thought she wouldn't be able to get out of bed. She had a dream or a memory, sometimes she couldn't tell what was what. Chuck was driving a Buy More car with a bomb inside it. She watched helplessly as the car sped away, getting lost behind a bus before exploding. Chuck was inside and he was dead. That's when she realized that it must just have been a nightmare since Chuck was alive. She had woken up to a panic attack, crying, unable to control her breathing. She was a mess but she had to get to work anyway. She gave herself five minutes to cry, five minutes to miss him and five minutes to day dream of him holding her. After that, she got up, went to the bathroom to get a shower and get ready for work. Once she got outside her room, she felt a burning sensation in her neck. She reached with her hand to rub the weird feeling away only to realize that a tranq dart was the cause to her unpleasant sensation. The three men dressed in black walking towards her were the last thing she saw before she passed out.
Sitting on his chair in his room, his feet up on his counter, Chuck was looking at the divorce papers on his desk. He had signed them, it's been too long now and Sarah wasn't coming back. Even though it felt like he was giving up on her, on their love, he just wanted her to be free if she wanted to. He wanted her to be able to start a new life if that was what would make her happy.
As always, he was thinking about her. Where was she? What was she doing? Was she okay? Knowing her, well, knowing Sarah Walker, she was probably hunting some bad guys and kicking asses all around the world, she was a kick-ass ninja after all. He hoped that she was happy and safe. He knew this wasn't the life his wife would want to lead now, but it was the life Sarah Walker loved, the adventures, the fights…
He let out a long sigh… Three months, it's been three months since he last saw her, since she had left him on the beach. He had given her some space, to find herself as she put it… Truth be told, after three months she had made no contact with him, meaning that the chances were slim to none to see her again. What name was she going by now? Sarah Charles? Jenny Irving? Sam Carmichael? He laughed bitterly at his pathetic self, how pretentious was it to think that she would choose a name that had a connection with him. For all he knew, his wife was long gone and Sarah Walker had made it clear that he had just been another assignment. She felt nothing for him. She tried to, he knew she did. She'd listened to their story, crying and laughing with him along the way. When she had asked him to kiss her, he thought that he had her back, that she would go home with him, that she would trust him. But she didn't. Once their kiss ended, she just left. He should have seen it coming anyway, when he kissed her, she had barely moved her lips while her hands stood at her sides. Not the kind of kiss he and his wife used to share. Sarah Bartowski would have grabbed his shirt with one hand while the other would have rested on his neck, jaw or in his hair.
He let out another long and tired sigh. Damn, he missed her so much. And now she was probably miles away from him in God-knows-where-ica, risking her live to save the World, still not remembering him, still un-oblivious of how great they were together, how much they loved each other. His life sucked without her, it was meaningless. Or course, he had Morgan, he had a job. And he was back at being the looser he was before Sarah Walker entered his life. He still had the Intersect but he wasn't part of the CIA anymore, so the computer in his brain was useless.
But let's be honest, he was lonely. Morgan had Alex, Casey was still running away with Gertrude and Ellie and Devon had moved away to Chicago and they were happy there… Well, there was Ella, the CIA operative. The tall brunette was assigned at the orders of Diane Beckman to protect him. He didn't know if the protection was just a way to keep an eye on him even if he was out of the CIA. But Beckman had insisted that even though nobody knew that he was the Intersect again, it would be safer for him to have small and discreet protection. The poor Ella was now stuck with her cover as a Buy More employee. She was good looking, at least all the other nerds thought so. Chuck just didn't care how she was looking, she was just not Sarah. They had no cover, as far as everyone knew, she was just a Buy More co-worker renting John Casey's apartment. They shared a car every morning to go to work, she always tried to lift his spirit up. She was funny and nice, hadn't she been CIA, she could have been a good friend, but Chuck knew better than to get involved with anyone at the CIA. He had learnt that lesson the hard way. Multiples times.
He got up from his chair only to crawl on his bed, grabbing Sarah's pillow and holding it against his chest. It no longer smelled like her but he kept hugging it anyway. He knew he was probably looking like a sad teenage girl but he didn't care. He had lost the love of his life, he had to be allowed to mope around for as long as he wanted.
He was mad at himself because he had taken her for granted. Slowly he couldn't remember how she smelled, the sound of her laughter… it was all getting blurry now. He should have paid more attention when he had the time, he should have spent every minute by her side, never letting her go. Maybe he didn't love her enough, maybe he wasn't enough for her. Not enough for her to remember. Deep down, he always knew it was too good to be true, that this beautiful, sexy, funny and smart woman would fall in love with a guy like him, a nerd. Maybe it was true, what she had told him in their dream house, that she had been a good liar. Maybe she didn't remember those five years simply because it was all fake for her. No… No, he couldn't think like that, he couldn't be mad at her. It was not her fault that she had lost her memories. He couldn't blame her for something she had no control of. If everything, it was his fault, he should have protected her. She had lost her memories because she had downloaded the Intersect to save her life and Casey's while Quinn had kidnapped him. It was his fault, Quinn had taken him so easily, he didn't even put up a fight. And Sarah had done what she always had, save him. God, he missed her so much. They say that the pain lessened with time, they were wrong, it was even worst.
There was a loud bang at the door but he didn't care. If wasn't up to see anyone, not even Morgan.
"Open up Chuckles, I know you're in here." He heard after another round of heavy knocks... or kicks.
Chuck sighed… Carina… What the hell was she doing here? It's been months since he had last seen her. Was she in trouble? Did she know about what happened to Sarah?
He quickly got up and made his way to open the door, he knew she would likely break it open if he didn't.
"What took you so long?" She asked, making quickly her way inside and towards his bedroom.
Chuck held the doorknob dumbfounded, mouth agape. Maybe he was hallucinating, or was he dreaming? Carina was caring a body over her shoulder… and it was Sarah.
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