I sit on the floor, staring at the electronic double doors in front of me.
Fi is on the other side.
I am reeling from what happened. I expected her to hide her emotions away, to be reserved, or cold toward me, but this was beyond any of that. I know she loves me and I know she cares about my happiness, but her disease was only one small bump in our life together. It didn't matter.
I know how I must look, sitting here. My clothes are wrinkled, stubble growing in and my face tear stained and exhausted. I can't bring myself to walk away, I suppose that would make all this real. Fiona didn't push me away, she forced me out.
"Chris," Lena stands over me, pulling me from my trance. She looks worried, as if my appearance means something has happened to Fiona.
"She is awake," I look away, referring to her makes my chest hurt.
Lena lets out a breath, "Thank God." She puts her hand to her chest as if trying to calm the storm that arose too soon within her.
Once her mind is clear, she looks to me confused, "What are you doing out here then? Did she yell at you?"
I recall the event that transpired prior to Lena's arrival, my eyes begin to water. Lena puts her bag down and sits beside me, "What happened?"
"She…" I take a deep breath, preparing myself to speak the truth, "She threw me out. Out of the room and out of her life," I bury my head in my arms.
"I don't understand, why would she do that? Did you explain what happened? I can go in and tell her you are telling the truth," Lena knows Fiona better than anyone, yet she fails to see the obvious. Fiona did this because she wants to save me from all of this.
"I told her about what happened, and she understood. She thinks that her cancer and treatment will be too much for me. She thinks I would leave her because of this someday!" Saying it aloud makes me realize it's nonsense. I thought Fiona knew me better than that.
Lena apologizes, as if she realized this was always a possibility. "Silly girl, I can try to talk some sense into her," she offered.
I can't force Fiona to see something she doesn't want to, she needs to realize the truth on her own. That is the only way she will trust me. If Lena talks to her it could only makes things worse. I need to do what is right for her, I need to be patient. I won't give up on her, ever, I will just keep a safe distance and wait for her to realize that I am not going anywhere.
"No, she needs space and I need to try and give it to her. I don't want to push her away for good," I am pained to make the mature decision when all I want is to run back to her.
Lena gives me a hug, "You know she loves you."
I close my eyes and ponder the thought. The way Fiona looks at me, even when she thinks I can't see. The way she cried a moment ago, unable to look at me. She cried harder than I had ever hurt, she looked and sounded like she was enduring the worst pain she had ever felt.
"I know," Lena stands and tells me to go home and recover from my own sorrows. She presses the request button to summon the door's opening. I watch as the doors open and stare down the hallway until they close again.
I stand, dusting myself off. I memorize the features of the door, knowing I will not be back while she is here. I wipe my face with the palms of my hands and take a deep breath before walking away from the one thing I couldn't live without.
I will wait for you, Fiona.