Title:  I Dream of a Balrog
Authors:  Ice Cube and Songbird
Rating:  PG maybe PG13
Disclaimer:  We don't own it, we are only borrowing.  Don't sue us, neither of us have money.  We only write for our enjoyment and maybe that of others.
Warning:  Put down your drink and sit on the floor.  We will not be responsible for any damage should you find our story funny.  You have been warned.

I Dream of a Balrog

"Something haunts you Legolas Greenleaf!"

If only Aragorn knew. I would never live it down. It all started after Mithrandir 'fell' to the Balrog. I had never seen one before, but I had heard the tales that had been passed down. The Balrog was also used to scare little Elflings. "Don't go in there, the older Elves would tease. The Balrog will get you." I even remember looking under my bed each night to make sure there wasn't a Balrog hiding there. I was sure at one point I had one in my closet, when I found some of my clothes burned, but found out later that some of my friends had hid in there to try smoking pipe weed. They conveniently forgot to tell me. Anyway, the fellowship is now leaving Lothlorien and the dreams have just got worse.

We were on the western shores of the Anduin, the first night that we made camp, when Gimli and Boromir offered to take watch. I did not plan on getting much sleep that night, but exhaustion soon overtook me, and I found myself drifting through various dreams.

I was at home, fletching some arrows in my room, when I heard it. There was a growl coming from the next room. It seemed extremely out of place, as that was where I routinely bathed and checked my complexion, so my dream self of course went to check out the noise.

Opening the door, I saw something that burned itself into my mind. There was a Balrog standing at my mirror, using my brush to straighten its flame locks. Growling to itself as they kept igniting the bristles, the Balrog turned, catching sight of me, and squeaked. Yes, squeaked. I watched as it jumped behind a curtain that had been drawn, and was fearful as that too caught fire.

As I reached for my brush, for it was my favorite, I tripped and fell.

As reality came crashing back, I realized that I had not tripped in my dream, but was actually falling out of my tree.

*This is not possible*, I thought as I caught myself. I quickly looked around to see if anyone had seen. I could see Boromir and Gimli still at watch, and both their backs were to me. *Thank the Valar*, I thought. Unfortunately, I didn't see the eyes of a very mischievous Hobbit looking up at me with eyes as wide as saucers.

Pippin watched as Legolas climbed back into the tree and mentally stored the trivia, knowing that in the Fellowship, it could be very important trivia indeed.

As I took up my perch once more, I glanced down at my companions. They would never let me live it down if they knew about these dreams, no, nightmares. I cursed the Balrog and settled back against the trunk once more, facing the eastern shores and straining to see the dawn breaking. It was not long before my eyes glazed over once more and the Balrog visited me again.

I was having a dream about my mother, as I often do. It was one that I often have of me as a young Elfling being bounced up and down on my mothers' knee.

Then what to my surprise, the next time I landed, my leggings caught on fire and I was leaping around the room trying to put the flames on my ass out.

When I turned around to see why my mother would do such a thing, I saw the Balrog. It was wearing my mothers dress saying, "Come my little Leggy, let Mummy bounce you some more."

As I jumped from the tree, trying to escape the horror, you can imagine Aragorn's surprise, when I landed on him.

Aragorn, haunted by his own dreams, quickly pushed me off, jumping to his feet and trying to stifle a laugh. "You...tree" was all he could get out. I glared at him and stalked off, not hearing Pippin awaken and share his knowledge with my friend. I stared off at the two still keeping watch and decided that it could have been worse...I could have landed on the Dwarf.

I was surprised when Aragorn came up behind me, still grinning and asked what was wrong. How could I tell him what was wrong? It wasn't that I wanted to keep things from him; he had, after all been my best friend since he was young, but he would not understand.

Making up something about being uneasy on these shores, I brushed the concern off, thanking him and at the same time distancing myself. My mother as a Balrog, what was next? Dawn finally approached, and we took to the boats once again, paddling downstream, closer to the Argonath, and closer to Iluvitar only knows what dreams.

We continued our journey down the Anduin, and I forced myself to stay awake. I was so worried about going to sleep, that my hair has started to fall out. Valar save me.

On the third night, Aragorn insisted that I sleep and suggested I do so on the ground. I didn't argue with this, and was still trying to think up a way to pay back Pippin.

I tried to fight it, I really did, but I lost. Soon I was drifting in the world of dreams once again. I started to dream about this really hot she-Elf I had met in Lorien. The others didn't know it, but we had a really good time if you get my meaning.

I was remembering her modeling for me, and I turned to check out another skimpy little outfit when I screamed at what I saw. *For the love of Mordor,* I said. Standing in front of me was a Balrog in stiletto heals and lace panties.

I sat up more quickly than Elvenly possible when I was this exhausted, and began to breathe heavily. My whole world was turning upside down, and the Balrog had everything to do with it. I didn't know where this was coming from; only that Gandalf falling had triggered it.

I looked around, and for once was glad that no one save Estel was awake. He looked over to me, worry in his eyes, and yet, I knew that he would not ask what was wrong. He had other things on his mind, and had no patience for the ambiguous answers that I was giving. Not wanting to give him any more to concern himself with, I lay back down and tried to remain awake.

The battle did not last long, and I soon found myself wandering through my past once more. I remembered my first archery lessons, with my instructor, an extremely elder first born, who had an annoyingly bad habit of standing directly behind the target and telling me to "aim here". The first time he tried this, I shot him in the hand, and the next, managed to mess up and shoot myself in the foot. It was of this that I found myself dreaming.

He was standing there, among the trees, this time next to the target, telling me to aim high, and then watched as I let the arrow go. This time, I managed to hit the target, on the very edge, and watched in horror as a Balrog in my instructor's baggy, unkempt clothing came running after me, trying to envelop me in a Balrog sized bear hug. I ran, yelling for my Ada to save me.

It was then that Aragorn woke me.

"Legolas! Legolas!" Aragorn's voice was breaking through to my unconscious. "Legolas, are you okay?"

As I slowly came awake, I was shocked that we were no longer in camp.

"Aragorn, where are we?" I looked around desperately, making sure there was no Balrog behind the nearest tree.

"You do not remember?" Aragorn asked me.

"If I remembered, I would not be asking." I replied, getting a little terse. This had seemed obvious to me, but leave it to a human to ask stupid questions.

"Well," Aragorn was now trying desperately not to laugh. "You just bolted from camp, yelling for your father. You looked as if you were being chased."

I sat down on the nearest log. My humiliation was complete. They now all knew my sanity was in question. What more was there to say?

I just sat there, unsure of what to say. I could not tell him my dreams, he would laugh and tell me that there was nothing to them, but how could he know that. They were scary, downright odd, and disturbing. Every time I went to sleep it was there, finding new ways to torment me. Would it ever stop?

"What is wrong, Legolas? You can tell me, you know."

I looked up at the Man, taking in the fact that he looked so much like the King he was loathe to become. I could not burden him with my problems, he had his own to deal with.

"It was nothing, mellon nin, I do not remember, I must have been dreaming."

"Are you sure? You have not called for your father like that in...well, I don't ever remember you calling him Ada it was always Adar. At least...as long as I have known you."

"All is well, Aragorn, let us go back to camp." I stood, brokering no more discussion, and saw the sun begin to rise, its red glow reminding me all too much of my demons.

And so it was that we approached the Argonath. I had not slept the last three nights, and had taken to running through the woods to help me stay awake. This did not make Aragorn happy, but I really didn't care at this point. I could not figure out why I was having such a hard time staying awake. I'm an Elf dammit and I can stay awake for days. Just not since we left Lothlorien.

Aragorn's shout brought me out of my reverie. It was a good thing, for falling asleep in the boat was definitely not good. Gimli would never forgive me. Aragorn was speaking of the Argonath. I looked up to see it, for Aragorn had been going on and on about it. I wanted to be able to hold an intelligent conversation with him. What I saw drained the color from my face.

I pinched myself to make sure I was awake, then squealed from the pain. This brought a look from Gimli that I will not explain to you. I looked up once again, and when the burning Balrog statues were still there, I started paddling back the other way.

There was no way in Mordor I was going between them. As a matter of fact, I would rather be in Mordor, and then be caught between two giant burning Balrog's.

Gimli was shouting, and trying to tell me to go the other way, but I wouldn't listen, I couldn't. They were there, standing still as statues, holding their arms out, telling me not to pass them. I wanted to listen, and used all my strength to pull the boat back against the current.

The Dwarf then did something stupid. He stood up in the boat, and with me concentrating on ridding myself of the Balrog's I couldn't compensate quickly enough, and the boat tipped, spilling us both into the icy water.

Unable to swim quickly enough against the current, I found myself being dragged downstream, closer to the Balrogs, and thankfully, closer to Aragorn and Boromir's boats.

I soon realized that I had picked up a passenger. At first I thought a large fish had bitten me. But I had never seen a fish with such a beard, so I assumed it was Gimli. We approached Aragorn's boat, and he grabbed my hand. He had Frodo and Sam lean the other way so as not to upset their boat. Boromir had caught ours, and they were trying to figure out how to get us back in.

So it was, that we made for shore. If you think that is easy, you have another think coming. When my feet finally touched ground, I tried to get out of the water, but Gimli would not let go. The damn Dwarf actually looked as if he wanted to kill me. I don't know what for, I was only trying to save us from the Balrog's.

"Gimli," I said. "You can put your feet down now."

He sputtered as he finally claimed his feet once again. "I will make your life miserable for that Elf."

I was having a hard time taking him serious for he looked like a rather large drowned rat. But that soon changed when he drew his axe on me.

"Gimli," Aragorn intervened. "Put the axe away, I'm sure Legolas had a good reason for his actions."

Yeah, I had a great reason, but I really didn't want to share it. Soon all the fellowship was looking at me, waiting for my reasons.

I looked at them, and searched for something to tell them. *Orcs? Frodo's sword hadn't started glowing. Goblins? No, it was too bright out still. Tell them about the Balrogs? Never, they would tie me up and leave me somewhere. Wolves? Wargs? It wouldn't work.*

I decided to be vague and see how that worked. "A shadow has been growing in my mind. It spiked when I saw the Argonath, and I could feel something was wrong."

"What did you feel?" *Damn you, Aragorn, can't I be ambiguous once?*

"It was like..." my eyes widened, and I couldn't think of anything. "You remember that time when we were caught in that cave and..." *no this wouldn't work, but it was too late now.* "There were those dogs, yeah that's it, and they were mad or something. They came after us, and you..." I trailed off, hoping he would stop me before I revealed something embarrassing.

"I don't get it, what does that have to do with anything?" *Iluvitar forsaken human, just let it go.*

"Its just...it was like that, when we ended up getting attacked for not heeding your father's warning. We all..." *I am such a bad liar, I need to work on this.* "Never mind, I'm sorry, it seemed right at the time. Why are we still debating this, we need to keep moving, Orcs may be close." *Maybe they'll forget.*

And they did forget, for a while at least. Thanks to Gollum. *Never thought I'd think that one.* But as the slimy little creature drifted by holding onto his log, all thoughts of me disappeared. We set up camp and I volunteered to take first watch, but Aragorn said no. He actually argued with me.

"Legolas, you have been awake the last three nights." *Damn him for noticing.* "And after your swim today, you really should get some sleep." *Thanks for you concern.*

Not being able to argue, I climbed a really nice tree, but stayed on a lower branch. Soon enough, I was drifting off into sleep.

This time I was taken to a time when I was visiting Rivendell. I had just arrived and had gone in search of Aragorn, but had no idea that Arwen was also visiting. I followed a path to one of Aragorn's favorite spots, when I stumbled upon them. Aragorn and Arwen were wrapped in an embrace. I turned to give them privacy, when a sound made me turn back.

Shock could not explain what I saw. For Aragorn was wrapped in the arms of the Balrog. They were in a deep passionate kiss, and through the flames you could see Aragorn's tongue darting in and out of the Balrog's mouth.

I could not let it take my best friend, so I grabbed my dagger and ran to save Aragorn.

For the second time, I found myself falling out of the tree, but I landed gracefully and drew my other dagger, bolting off to 'save' Aragorn. Jumping on top of the Man, I pulled him back off the log he was sitting on, and jabbed my knife into the wood.

Finally completely awake, I noticed what was going on and turned rather pink. I could feel the pointy tips that were poking out from my hair heating up, and realized what I had done. *Oh Valar, now I'm in for it.*

Aragorn did not look happy. I had tossed him into a thorn bush, and he was slowly detangling himself.

"What in Mordor did you think you were doing?"

This time however, I had a quick reply.

"It was that foul creature Gollum!" With those words, I started frantically searching the area in hopes to wipe out all tracks that could have possibly been left behind. And sure enough, Aragorn was looking. *He has gotten way to serious since Mithrandir's demise.*

"Legolas," he snarled at me. "You have destroyed any possible tracks." He then sighed deeply and gave me a very strange look. "Are you sure you feel alright."

"Great," I said. "But Aragorn, where exactly did you expect to track him to. He obviously went back into the river."

Aragorn just shook his head. Since it was still night, he practically ordered me back to 'bed'. When sleep took me once again.  I was dreaming of the first time I had brought Aragorn home to his father injured. Carrying the Man in, I had hoped to either find Elladan or Elrohir first, to waylay the worry in the Elf Lord. I didn't have such luck as Lord Elrond was sitting in the hallway, waiting. He took Aragorn from me, and as soon as I had relinquished my care, his eyebrows raised and I looked down.

When I looked up again, Estel was in the hands of the Balrog, his tunic catching fire. This was bad enough, but when I realized that this demon also possessed Elrond's eyebrows of doom, I couldn't contain my fear, and screamed.

I woke quickly, relieved to find myself still in the tree, but could hear the howls of the Dwarf. "That...was the most...girly scream...I have ever heard," he managed to spit out between breaths and laughter.

I refused to let sleep take me again that night. Instead I thought up ways to torture that foul Dwarf. When the sun started to peak through the darkness, I roused the others and we prepared to take to the boats again.

Gimli wasn't sure he wanted to, and that was fine with me. I would be glad to have a boat of my own, but no luck. Aragorn convinced him to get in, and I had to suffer the whole day with him talking about my "girly" scream. I was just about ready to renege my promise to Aragorn to not drown the Dwarf, when we neared the falls and pulled to shore once again.

Aragorn decided to stay here and make for Mordor under the cover of darkness, and that was fine by me. I decided to take a little nap, knowing I would not dream in the brightness of day. Man was I wrong.

I found myself in the Halls of Fire in Imladris, something that should have clued me in, as I never dreamed of these Halls. I was sitting in one of the easy chairs, staring into the fire when I heard two Elves bickering. They stumbled into the room, not looking too sane, one with blue hair, and the other with pink clothes.

They asked me if I'd seen Estel, but I couldn't answer. It was too hard to think straight. Calming myself, I looked at the identical faces once more, only to be greeted with pastel colored Balrogs. The one that had been Elrohir was a light shade of pink, with flames erupting from his head, and Elladan's replacement was the purple that only their human brother could manage to come up with.

Needless to say, two Balrogs in Rivendell, looking me in the eye and wanting to find Aragorn did not sit well.

Thankfully I was pulled from my dreams. But soon found the fellowship to be in trouble. When all was said and done, Frodo and Sam had left for Mordor. Boromir was dead, and Merry and Pippin were captives of those ugly Uruk-hai. *They should really work harder on their hair and complexion.*

Anyway, Aragorn decided, with out asking me first, to try and rescue Merry and Pippin. So off we go, the three of us (Gimli trying to keep up), to Rohan.

We ran and we ran, well Aragorn and I did, the Dwarf waddle's more then runs. We finally had to stop, for said Dwarf needed his beauty sleep. *Really, if that is why he is sleeping, he should never wake up.* I really tried to stay awake and keep watch, but was forcefully pulled into dreams once more.

We were sitting at the council of Elrond. Gimli had just rudely commented on not wanting the ring in the hands of an Elf. I turned to comment, and for once laughed at what I saw instead of being scared. For in front of me stood a 4-foot Balrog.... a 4-foot Balrog with a beard.

My laughing woke me up, but thankfully didn't wake the others. But let me tell you, I will never look at Gimli the same again.

So it was that we followed the brutes across the plains of Rohan, stopping only when the Dwarf, who looked a lot funnier every time I saw him, had lagged so far behind that we thought he was lost. I had been successful in pulling watch the night before, but neither would let me take this night's guard as well. As it was, I was not comfortable with the Plains, we were too open for attack, but we did not have much choice.

Before I knew it, I had drifted off.

It was a very important day for me. I was finally coming of age. Those who would assist in the ceremony woke me early. I went into the bathroom to bathe, then stepped out into my room to dress.

As I approached my mirror to admire myself, death about overtook me. *You think I would be used to these dreams by now.* This time it was I who had turned into a Balrog. I stood rooted in fear as my beautiful body erupted in flame. I did not know that Balrog's had the same anatomy. *Damn, his was bigger.*

I was not allowed to continue my dream, for Aragorn woke me at that moment. We were off and running again, encountered the Riders of Rohan, and then headed to Fangorn. Soon we entered in search of the lost Hobbits, when who should we encounter but Gandalf.

I discovered in the following days, that with his return my nightmares had vanished. And so the haunting of Legolas Greenleaf was brought to an end.

THE END