Disclaimer: Dragonball Z and related characters are copyrighted by Bird Studios/Shueisha, Toei Animation. Licensed by FUNimation Productions, Inc. *holds up hands defensively* It's not mine, I swear!
Author's Announcement: Finally, it's here: the fic I mentioned way back when in "Stubborn Love"! After all this time, I've finally got it all worked out and edited and now it's up for your reading pleasure (I hope)! Be sure to check out my author profile picture, too; it's a little drawing I did of Veggie and Goku "all dressed up"! I'll keep it up until I finish a different pic, but that won't be for a while. Now, let the inanities begin!
Time Period: Slightly post-Buu Saga (so everyone's the same age as pre-Buu, Goku's alive, etc).
What Would You Do For a Dragonball?
"—bottom of the ninth—"
"—and makes onion rosettes in seconds!"
Vegeta sat on the couch in Capsule Corp's living room, angrily flipping channels. He did not want to watch television, but it seemed to be his only option at the moment.
Damn gravity room had to break, damn woman is out tonight . . . Vegeta jabbed the buttons violently on the remote control. The main reason he was so enraged, though, was unrelated to those aforementioned reasons. In his mind, he could picture his dresser upstairs, the top drawer which held six glowing Dragonballs. But only six! He had found the seventh just today and returned home, almost giddy with excitement with what was to come now that he had collected all seven. However, when he went to retrieve the other six, he had only found five. He would have torn apart Capsule Corp looking for it, but restrained himself because he had been keeping his collection a secret from the others. Instead, he tried to take a logical approach to the situation. He thought maybe Trunks had taken it—the little brat was always playing tricks on him—but Trunks had been expressly forbid by Vegeta and Bulma to stay out of their bedroom. Since the one night that Trunks had almost walked in on them while they had been, er . . . spending "personal time" with each other, Bulma had stressed the importance of staying out of "your father's and my room" even more. So, Trunks had likely not taken it. That left only Bulma, the very person who would take it upon herself to root through his clothes.
Damn it! Vegeta cursed again, almost crushing the remote. I wonder if she knew all along or just discovered them recently? How dare she! I deserve to get a wish just as much as the next person! And I can't even take my frustrations out in the gravity room! Damn! Damn! DAMN!
A tapping sound on the window interrupted Vegeta's thoughts. He whipped his head to the side to see who it was.
"Kakarot!" Vegeta shouted angrily at the Saiyan standing outside the window. "What the hell are you doing here!?"
"Just visiting," Goku said cheerily. "Chi-Chi's out tonight. Whatcha doing?"
"What does it look like I'm doing!?" Vegeta snapped as Goku slid open the window and flew in.
"Um, watching TV?" Goku guessed, scratching his head.
"No! I'm flipping channels! Damn gravity room's broken and that woman is not here to fix it!" And she stole that Dragonball to top it off!
"That's too bad," Goku sympathized. "I thought Chi-Chi was going to make me dinner tonight but she said she couldn't because she was going to Palmetto Restaurant with Bulma for a girls' night out."
Vegeta froze in mid-click and slowly turned to look at Goku. "Is that where my mate went?" he asked.
Goku shrugged. "Yeah, didn't she tell you where she was going?"
Vegeta waved his hand vaguely. "Probably, but I wasn't paying attention." He snapped the television off and stood up, smiling evilly. Staring off into space, he rubbed his hands together in anticipation. "Yes. Soon, that Dragonball will be all mine."
"Dragonball?" Goku asked, confused.
Vegeta froze in shock, then cursed bitterly to himself. It had to be traces of old villain's habit to say everything out loud. Fortunately, his ability to lie kicked in immediately. "Yes, Bulma has the last Dragonball. I've been collecting them because I wanted to wish for a new gravity room. That woman won't upgrade it, so I figured the dragon could do a better job."
"Oh, great!" Goku said enthusiastically. "If I help you get the Dragonball, can I train in the new gravity room too?"
Vegeta bristled at the thought, but decided it could not hurt; it was not as if he was really going to wish for a new gravity room. "Sure, Kakarot. We just need to find a way to get the Dragonball."
"Couldn't you just ask her for it?"
"No, because she'd never let me get a new gravity room without her building it."
"Oh yeah," Goku agreed. Bulma could be as stubborn as Vegeta when it came to certain things. "Well, maybe we could take it from her somehow while she's eating."
"But she'll probably have it in her purse, which will probably be on her lap," Vegeta countered. "We wouldn't be able to get close without her noticing!"
Goku remembered Chi-Chi beating him over the head when she had caught him looking through her purse once for something to eat. Vegeta had a valid point.
"Well . . ." Goku's eyes suddenly lit up. "I have an idea! What if we dress up like women and take it from her when she leaves her purse alone in the bathroom?"
Vegeta practically face-faulted in shock. "What kind of idiotic plan is that!?" he screamed, suddenly furious. "There's no way I'd go through with something that stupid!"
Goku shrugged. "Then how else could we get it?"
Vegeta crossed his arms and narrowed his eyes in thought. "Wait, I'll think of something . . ."
* * *
"Kakarot! None of these dresses fit! I hate this!"
Goku stood in front of the hall mirror, adjusting the maternity dress he had found in Bulma's closet. It was not very flattering, but it was the only thing he could find that fit him. "Try one of the dresses Bulma wore when she was pregnant," he suggested, stuffing another pair of socks down the front of his dress to even out his faux bust.
Goku heard Vegeta curse a bit, then finally the shorter Saiyan walked down the stairs, decked out in another one of Bulma's maternity dresses. Vegeta pulled uncomfortably at the material, growling.
"Hey, you look kinda pretty," Goku said, smiling.
"Say that again and I will kick you into the stratosphere!" Vegeta threatened. "I don't see why you couldn't just teleport into the bathroom and take the Dragonball!"
"But then Bulma would definitely know it was me," Goku protested. "I'm the only person on Earth who can teleport. Plus, Chi-Chi would get really mad if she saw me in the Ladies' Room."
"So we're doing this instead!?" Vegeta shouted, angrily gesturing to his feminine attire.
"Well, you couldn't come up with a better plan . . ." Goku said, gesturing vaguely.
Vegeta growled and started jamming socks down the front of his dress. He just had to remind himself what he was doing this for. The results would make all this humiliation tolerable.
"Um, Vegeta," Goku said, "You're lopsided."
* * *
After Vegeta and Goku made their dresses work correctly, they managed to squeeze into some high heels, put on scarves to hide their Adam's apples, and style their hair a bit. Fortunately, the dresses were long enough to cover their un-feminine muscular legs, but unfortunately both dresses were sleeveless, completely exposing their well-sculpted arms. Goku found wraps for both of them to solve that problem. Now, the only step that remained of the process was also the hardest: putting on the make-up.
"Do we really have to do this part?" Vegeta growled, looking at the tube of lipstick in his hand, then at his scowling reflection in the mirror. He had slicked down his hair so that it fell down to his shoulders, making him look somewhat feminine though his prominent widow's peak remained. "Aren't we stupid-looking enough?"
Goku managed to get the lipstick twisted up and looked at his own reflection next to Vegeta's. He had his hair spiked up towards the front of his head and completely down in the back, making him look like some kind of 80's rock star. "Of course. Whenever Chi-Chi goes out, she always puts on make-up. I saw her do it tonight. It can't be too hard."
Vegeta turned in disgust to the other Saiyan. "How did you get so bored that you watched your wife put make-up on?"
Goku shrugged. "I don't know."
"No, you can't leave!" Goku had practically sobbed as Chi-Chi stood applying lipstick in front of their bedroom mirror. "I don't know how to work the stove!"
"Goku," Chi-Chi scolded, pausing to blot her lips on a tissue, "you're a grown man. If you don't know how to use the stove, then just cook your food out in the backyard. Or maybe Gohan can cook dinner for you."
"No, no buts, Goku. Now let go of my legs; I'm losing circulation in my feet."
"Well!?" Vegeta shouted impatiently. How do you put this damn stuff on!?"
"I think you just trace your lips with it, then press them on a tissue."
"Bite a tissue? What for?"
"I don't know."
Vegeta grumbled and looked back at his reflection. Somewhat hesitantly, he raised the lipstick to his face, parted his lips a bit, and started tracing them. It seemed to work okay, and after a minute, he was finished more or less. He grabbed a tissue and did as Goku had instructed, then scrutinized himself in the mirror. Hmpf. Wonderful, he thought sarcastically, now I look like Frieza.
"Um, Vegeta," Goku said, "can you hand me a tissue? I think I messed up."
Vegeta turned to look at Goku and widened his eyes in surprise. Goku had managed to get the lipstick on his lips, but he had also gotten it all over his face. Vegeta growled in disgust.
"We're trying to dress up like women, not clowns, you idiot." He shoved the whole box of tissues at Goku.
"Well, I tried," Goku apologized, wiping his face off. He glanced over at Vegeta. "Hey, you did a good job with yours. Maybe you could do mine?"
Vegeta narrowed his eyes at Goku. "Not even a Dragonball is worth going through that, Kakarot! Put your own damn make-up on! Now, where's the eye shadow!?"
* * *
Trunks flew quickly back to Capsule Corp, scolding himself for staying out at the arcade with Goten so long. Fortunately, he knew Bulma was out tonight, so that only left Vegeta, who would probably be training in the gravity room and concentrating too much to notice him.
It's times like this when I'm glad that Dad doesn't pay a whole lot of attention to me, Trunks thought, landing at one of the building's back doors. Even if he did notice me, he probably wouldn't care either. Of course, he could tell Mom . . . I guess I better keep my ki down.
Trunks opened the kitchen door and slipped inside. The room was dark, but down the hall the light was on in the living room. That was somewhat odd; it was still too early for Bulma to be home. Maybe Vegeta was watching television. Still, that was not too bad; if Vegeta was mesmerized by the flashing images, then he still might not sense Trunks.
Trunks started tiptoeing down the hall, keeping his senses sharp.
"There Vegeta, I did it!" came Goku's proud voice from the living room. "Isn't that great?"
Trunks' eyes widened. What was Goku doing here?
"Congratulations," came Vegeta's sarcastic voice, also from the living room. "Are we done yet? I think we look convincing enough."
And what was Vegeta doing in the same room without the two of them sparring? Trunks inched along the wall until he was able to see in the room.
"Hmm," Goku said to Vegeta. "I think you need more blush."
Trunks' jaw almost hit the floor when he saw the scene. What was going on? His father and Goku, dressed in Bulma's clothing? And putting her make-up on? That was just . . . did that mean that—
"My cheekbones look fine," Vegeta snapped, "and I think we can stop with the make-up now! This isn't a fashion show!"
Goku smiled and put his hands on his hips. "But we want to look our best tonight, don't we?"
Trunks began running back to the kitchen, terrified out of his mind. He could not believe it. Vegeta and Goku? What was he supposed to do? Who could he talk to? Bulma and Chi-Chi were both gone and—
Goten! he thought suddenly. I'll tell Goten! And Gohan! Maybe they can come up with an explanation! He nodded to himself as he threw open the door and took off into the night sky.
* * *
"All right!" Goku said cheerfully, turning around once in front of the mirror to check out his new appearance. "We're good to go!"
"About time!" Vegeta shouted, grabbing his purse and clenching it angrily. He opened the outside door and stepped out into the yard, taking care to leave the outside lights off. "Now, which way to the restaurant?"
Goku glanced around, then scratched his head. "Um, I don't know."
Vegeta growled. You're worthless! He cast his senses out into the city. Quickly, he located Bulma about twenty blocks away, slightly off to his right.
"She's over that way," Vegeta said, pointing a satin-gloved finger in Bulma's direction.
"You know, I just thought of it," Goku said off-handedly, "but if you wanted to find Bulma so badly, why didn't you just sense her ki earlier?"
Vegeta froze in realization but quickly recomposed himself. "Well, even if I had, I would have only known her location, not the situation, and everything would have come to this anyway. Now, let's go get that Dragonball!"
Vegeta and Goku flew off towards Palmetto Restaurant. At their rate of speed, they neared the restaurant quickly and, as not to attract attention, touched down a block away to walk the rest of the distance. Well, that is, they attempted to walk it. While the shoes they had picked had not been three-inch stilettos, they still had a lot more heel than what the warriors were used to, which was to say none at all. By the time they reached the restaurant, both Saiyans had sprained at least one of their ankles, and Vegeta had almost cracked his head on the sidewalk. Other than that, the only other incident of their journey had been when a car drove by blasting Aerosmith's "Dude (Looks Like A Lady)" and Goku had to physically restrain Vegeta from blowing the automobile off the face of the planet. It had been slightly awkward when passersby had fearfully eyed Goku holding back the enraged prince, but Goku had simply told them that it was Vegeta's time of the month, and they relaxed.
Finally, when the Saiyans arrived at their destination, Goku walked through the restaurant's front door and headed towards the maitre d' standing at his podium. Fuming, Vegeta threw open the door and started to follow, but before anyone could shout "look out," he tripped over the doorjamb and fell flat on his face. The maitre d' and Goku moved to help Vegeta up, but the Saiyan prince got up on his own, muttering curses.
"Madam, are you all right?" the maitre d' asked.
Vegeta nodded stiffly, trying to hold back the urge to blame this all on Goku and punch him into the next city. He made a motion of brushing himself off and joined Goku and the maitre d' at the entrance to the dining room.
"Do you have reservations?" the maitre d' asked, looking up at Goku.
"Uh, no," Goku replied in his normal voice. Vegeta gave him a kick in his already-hurting ankle. "I mean, no, we don't have reservations," Goku corrected in a higher-pitched, more feminine voice. "We're meeting someone here." He smiled what he hoped was a somewhat attractive smile, but it came out as his usual goofy grin.
"All right," the maitre d' said. "You may enter."
"Thanks." Goku and Vegeta walked into the dining room.
"Wow, Vegeta," Goku whispered excitedly, dropping back to his normal speaking voice. "I think he actually thought we were women."
"Right," Vegeta said sarcastically. "Look at us; we stick out like sore thumbs. How many women come in here who are as tall as you?"
Goku glanced around at the other patrons and saw that Vegeta was correct. "Well, he called you 'madam,' so he must have thought you were a woman. You're the same height as Bulma, aren't you?"
Actually, Vegeta was an inch shorter, but that inaccuracy did not stop him from growling viciously at Goku. "Nevermind that! Stay focused on our objective. We're here to get a Dragonball, remember?"
"Right." Goku felt Chi-Chi's and Bulma's ki signatures from a table towards the back of the restaurant. "There they are."
Vegeta saw them and motioned Goku to sit down at an empty table approximately twenty feet from the women's. In a conspiratorial tone, the prince said, "All right, now we wait. From past observations, I have noticed that women tend to travel in packs when they go into the bathroom. My guess is that it's probably herd instinct."
Goku looked a bit confused. "I thought it was because they like to talk to each other."
Vegeta thought this over for a second, then glared at Goku. "Like I said, they tend to travel in packs. When they go, we'll follow. You have the job of distracting them. I'll get the Dragonball. Got it?"
"But what if she doesn't leave her purse alone?" Goku asked.
"She has to put it down sometime."
"But what if she sees us take it?"
Vegeta smiled wickedly. "Using a bathroom's facilities puts one in a vulnerable position. By the time she's ready to counterattack, I'll have the Dragonball and be gone."
Goku looked a little nervous. "But what about me?"
"Excuse me," a young waiter said to the two Saiyans. "Do you wish to place your orders now?"
"Orders?" Goku asked, using the same feminine voice that he had earlier. At the thought of food he almost started drooling. "What's on the menu?"
"You never got menus?" the waiter asked, confused.
"No," Vegeta replied in his best impersonation of a woman. He had wanted to avoid talking at all, but he refused to let Goku have control of this situation and possibly ruin all their plans. "We're just meeting someone. We're not ordering anything."
"But Veget—er, Veggietta, I'm starving!" Goku complained. "I never got any dinner!"
"Shut up, Kakaro—uh—tah, we're not getting anything!"
"Whoa, calm down ladies," the waiter interrupted. "How about this? I'll get you two dinner on me. We have an all-you-can-eat buffet." He smiled handsomely at Vegeta.
"Great!" Goku cheered. "Where is it?"
"We're not hungry," Vegeta snapped, glaring at Goku.
The waiter, still smiling, moved a little closer to Vegeta. "Are you sure?"
With increasing fury, Vegeta wondered how friendly the waiter would be with a ki-blast through his torso. "Yes, I'm sure." He narrowed his eyes and growled deep in his normal speaking voice, "We're not hungry."
The waiter's eyes widened in surprise and he backed up a few steps. "O-okay. S-sorry." He promptly left.
"Aww . . ." Goku said in disappointment.
"Oh, will you just forget about food for one second!?" Vegeta said in exasperation, not caring that he was still speaking in his normal voice. "If we get that Dragonball and I get my wish, then you can use the other wish for whatever you want, all right!?"
"Oh yeah, I forgot that the Dragonballs that Dende made grant two wishes." Goku grinned. "Silly me!"
Vegeta could feel a headache starting up behind his eyes. More and more, he was regretting going along with this plan. Sure, Goku was focused and maybe even shrewd when he was defending the world—Vegeta himself had witnessed this countless times—but any other time he had the mental capacity of a two-year-old. Vegeta cursed himself for ever following a plan made by this man.
"Do you think maybe we should use the other wish for the benefit of someone else?" Goku asked thoughtfully. "I mean, I can get food sometime later, and what if someone wants their friend resurrected?"
Vegeta was just about to tell Goku where to stick his moral dilemmas when he caught sight of Bulma and Chi-Chi heading for the restrooms. "Figure that out later," he said, pushing his chair back. "We have a Dragonball to steal."
* * *
"Here, Chi-Chi, could you watch my purse?" Bulma asked, taking her purse off her shoulder. "There's no hooks in the stalls and there's no way I'm putting it on the floor."
"Sure," Chi-Chi said, taking it. As Bulma entered one of the stalls, Chi-Chi commented, "You know, it's funny, but while we were eating, I swore I heard Goku's voice."
"That's weird," Bulma said, locking the stall door. "I thought I heard Vegeta's. I couldn't make out what he was saying, but he sounded cranky." She sighed. "What else is new?"
Chi-Chi put Bulma's purse down on the counter and started to reapply her foundation. "Well, they say that when you're in love, everyone looks and sounds like the other person."
Bulma chuckled. "I think it's more like 'when someone gets on your nerves twenty-four seven, you can never get the person out of your head.'"
Chi-Chi chuckled in agreement. At that moment, the bathroom door opened, and Vegeta and Goku entered. Chi-Chi paid no attention to either of them until Goku came up alongside her and pretended to scrutinize his make-up.
"Oh wow, I just love your eye shadow," Goku chirped, looking over at Chi-Chi. "Where in the world did you get it?"
Chi-Chi turned, smiling at the compliment. "Well, I got it at the mall in town . . ."
While Chi-Chi's back was turned, Vegeta crept up behind her and slowly reached for Bulma's purse. Carefully, he unlatched the top and reached inside it.
"Wow, that place sounds great!" Goku exclaimed. "I'll have to go there sometime!"
Chi-Chi squinted at Goku a bit and smiled. "Hey, you know something, your eyes remind me of someone."
Goku began to sweat. "Really?" he said nervously, resisting the urge to put his hand behind his head. "I guess I just have the right color!"
Vegeta blindly felt around in the purse, becoming frustrated. He could feel a hairbrush, lipstick, and Bulma's wallet, but where was the Dragonball?
At that moment, the toilet flushed in one of the stalls, and Bulma came out into the bathroom. Upon seeing a strangely muscular woman rooting through her purse, she shouted angrily, "Hey! What are you doing!?"
Chi-Chi turned around and became enraged when she saw Vegeta. "Hey, that's not yours!" she shouted, slamming Vegeta across the face with her purse. "Put it down!"
Vegeta just felt like someone had hit him with a bag full of cinder blocks. What the hell does she keep in that thing!? he thought as Chi-Chi slammed him across the face again.
"Put my purse down!" Bulma yelled, running forward to tackle Vegeta.
"Stop it, Chi-Chi, you'll kill him!" Goku cried, forgetting himself.
"Goku?" Chi-Chi and Bulma said simultaneously, freezing in surprise.
"Kakarot, you fool!" Vegeta shouted angrily.
Both women's jaws dropped and their eyes grew wide. "Vegeta!?"
Vegeta snapped his mouth shut and began to sweat, but he finally locked his fingers around what he had been searching for. "Yes!" he cried, lifting the Dragonball into the air. Immortality is mine!" Laughing triumphantly, he shot through the ceiling and flew off in the night sky.
"Immortality?" Goku asked, baffled, as pieces of plaster fell to the floor. "I thought he said he wanted a new gravity room."
"And you believed him!?" Bulma shouted angrily.
Chi-Chi turned around and hit Goku with her purse. "Come on, you big oaf! Teleport us out of here! We have to stop him!"
* * *
Vegeta landed at a back door to Capsule Corp and wrenched it open. He ran inside, almost dizzy from the adrenaline rush. Yes! It's finally happening! Me, the prince of all Saiyans, immortal! I can never be killed again! I can only become stronger! I can push myself harder than ever before! He stumbled, twisting his ankle, but he kept running. Look out, Kakarot, now I will be the strongest! I'll be the best! No more of that "second-strongest-fighter-in-the-universe" mumbo jumbo for me! He turned into the living room and froze in shock.
Every member of the Z team, including all the non-fighters, stared in surprise at him. Trunks, who had been addressing them all, turned around and saw Vegeta in the doorway. "Dad?" he asked.
Suddenly, everyone one in the room burst out laughing except for Trunks and Vegeta. Trunks was petrified in horror from seeing his father in a dress again, and Vegeta began to turn crimson with rage.
"Hey, everybody!" Yamcha said between fits of laughter. "Look, it's the princess of all Saiyans! Hey, where's your tiara, Veggie?"
"Yeah, cute gloves!" Yajirobe said, too much in stitches to worry about the consequences of insulting the Saiyan prince. "They even match your shoes!"
"You pathetic weaklings!" Vegeta shouted, a vein popping out on his forehead. "How dare you mock me!"
"Then why are you dressed like that?" Krillin said, doubled over on the floor in laughter.
"Yeah, you look real nice!" Oolong called, snorting as he laughed. "Where's your boyfriend, huh?"
At that moment, Goku, flanked by Bulma and Chi-Chi, teleported into the room. "There you are, Vegeta!" Goku called cheerfully.
Everyone in the room silenced at once and stared wide-eyed at Goku, then promptly broke out into peals of laughter again. Goku looked down at himself and realized that he was still wearing the maternity dress. "Oops," he said. "I forgot about that."
"Dad?" Gohan asked cautiously. He had not joined in the laughter this time. "Are you and Vegeta . . . I mean, Trunks and we were worried—"
"Of course we're still friends!" Goku said cheerfully, dropping an arm around Vegeta's shoulders. "Just because he lied about the gravity room doesn't change anything!" He gave Vegeta a squeeze and smiled broadly. Vegeta glared at Goku and began to growl viciously, looking ready to maul the taller Saiyan any second. "We still had a lot of fun!" Goku said. "And we looked so convincing that the waiter thought we were women, and he even called Vegeta 'madam.' And Vegeta's really good at putting on make-up; he got it perfect on his first try!"
At this, Vegeta's face turned beet-red with embarrassment. Bulma and Chi-Chi began to laugh at the humiliated prince while the others cackled even louder. Finally, Vegeta started sputtering angrily.
"What?" Goku asked innocently.
"Err—ARRGH!" Vegeta suddenly took off through the roof and flew away, dropping the Dragonball in his wake.
Goku raised his eyebrows in confusion. Everyone in the room except Trunks and Gohan was still rolling around on the ground and laughing. Goku shrugged. "Did I say something wrong?"