Disclaimer: I do not own anything except the plot. The characters and the Potterverse belong to J. K. Rowling.
AN: I got this idea from a meme that has the opening lines of this story. Oh the nonsense my sleep deprived brain comes up with. The meme is up on my tumblr too, if anyone wants to go and have a look. I'm new to tumblr so I'm still figuring it out, but my username is sparkleme26.
This is my first attempt at humour, and I hope it went well. It would mean the world to me if all you awesome people could review this for me.
Also, apologies for any plotholes or sheer stupidity in the narration, one-shots are rather difficult to write.
And lastly, lots of love to everyone who reviewed my last one shot. You are the absolute best!
The Ferret Lives
Darling, I'm a nightmare dressed like a daydream.
- Blank Space
When she saw him, time slowed to a stop. He was so perfect and she knew her life would never be the same because she had finally found him. The one. The first boy she would ever kill.
She had been searching so long for the perfect one; she'd given up hope by now. Yet here he stood right in front of her, his white blond hair stood out in the darkness of the room as the moonlight spilled through the window, his skin was so pale it looked like he'd never seen the sun, his features were too pointed and angular to be handsome, yet they held a beauty of their own. He stood staring at her with curiosity etched on his face.
Hermione smirked, looking straight in his eyes. Oh, how she needed him. Soon she'd have his blood on her hands and she could return to her world a hero.
It was official, the war and the strain of dating Granger and spending too much time with Potty and the Weasel had finally driven Draco barmy. He knew he should have stayed away from the trio, but no, he had to go and fall in love with the most infuriating know-it-all to ever exist. And now he was hallucinating her standing in front of him and smirking at him the way he had never seen her smirk. He had completely gone round the bend. Yes, that explained it.
Minutes ago he had left Granger in their common room after another one of their pointless rows where they drove each other up a wall. He had then come to the Room of Requirement to look for Potter's lost Advanced Potions textbook that once belonged to Snape, the self-proclaimed Half Blood Prince. After the horrible year with the houseguest from hell, the Dark Lord himself – who had taken up residence in the Malfoy Manor – Draco's studies had suffered, and Merlin knows he needed help in Potions. Saint Potter, being the saviour with a hero complex that he is, had told him about the textbook; and then Granger had gone and bit his head off about cheating and morality. Bloody infuriating, bushy haired, adorable, crazy Gryffindors. Argh.
As he was looking around for the book, he stopped dead in his tracks as the door to the Vanishing Cabinet creaked and out stepped none other than a smirking, slightly deranged looking Hermione Granger. It had to be the Cabinet, didn't it? Life really knows how to hit you on the head with your mistakes, doesn't it? Was this one of his nightmares?
How could she be here when he had just left her sulking in the common room? There was no apparating within Hogwarts, and there was no way she could make it to the Room of Requirement and hide in the Cabinet. For one, that would take more time and he would have seen her on the way; and second, she couldn't be so cruel to punish him with his own worst nightmares.
Also, she looked different. Something was off about her.
"Granger?" He had finally found his voice enough to speak. Or rather choke.
"Hermione," she smiled. "Just Hermione." She took one step forward. "I've been looking for you."
She finally closed the distance between them, coming to a halt mere inches from him. She leaned in and sniffed his neck, Draco's heart beat wildly in his chest and he dared not move. She was acting strange, and she smelled different. Definitely not Granger, he concluded.
"I…uh…I have to go. Head duties." He took a step back and practically bolted from the room. But not before she had read his name on his Head Boy badge.
"Hermione, are you alright?" Harry asked Hermione when she bumped into him just as the moving staircase changed its course from its original direction.
"Harry." There was a Harry Potter where she came from too. Oh, she missed him. But no matter, right now was not a time to dwell on home. She had a boy to kill. "Have you seen Draco?" she asked.
Since when does Hermione call Malfoy Draco? Harry thought to himself.
"Did you two have a row again?" He asked.
"Oh no. I'm going to kill him," she said simply.
Beside Harry, Ron roared with laughter. "Well, it's about time 'Mione. I thought you'd fallen in love or something with the ferret," he joked, and patted Hermione on the arm.
In a second, Hermione had him pinned against a wall, one arm a little pressure away from choking him to death. "Do not call me 'Mione. And do not touch me," she hissed in a dangerous tone and then let go of him, smiled at Harry, and walked away.
"Merlins pants, Granger's in a fiery mood today," Blaise Zabini said, materialising from behind a very stunned Ron.
She had to kill him if she wanted to rise in the ranks of Lady Narcissa. Arrogant, egotistical boys had no place in a woman's world. They had to be taught their place. She had travelled across dimensions to find this boy, and she was not going to fail. In her world, Draco Malfoy had died a charming but arrogant ruler almost a decade and a half ago. There was a time there when men dominated women, and men like this one Draco Malfoy especially liked to flaunt their superiority and accidental good looks, something they did not work hard for, just got by default. Presenting a dead symbol of superiority would send a message in her world, and impress Lady Narcissa beyond belief. Women, after all, were the fairer blood.
Draco was sitting in an empty classroom on the second floor where he and Granger often sneaked off to snog. He was trying to wrap his head around the two Grangers he had seen, contemplating if he was actually going mad. For now, he was using 'Hermione' for the deranged one, and 'Granger' for his girlfriend to differentiate the two in his mind.
"There you are, Draco," Hermione said sweetly, walking up to him with the stealth of a panther stalking his prey. The real Granger did not have that kind of almost sadistic unwavering confidence. "Why did you have to run away from me?"
Granger, hidden under Harry's invisibility cloak, stifled a gasp at the sight in front of her. She had been looking for Draco when Blaise caught up to her and congratulated her on 'finally showing Weasel his place.' She was confused; she hadn't spoken to Ron all day, too wrapped up in her anger for her idiot Slytherin boyfriend.
Draco stood up from where he was seated. "Who are you?" he asked. "You're clearly not the Granger I know, so who are you?"
"Oh but I know all about you and your pure superior blood, Draco," Hermione said in exaggerated calmness. She went on about how women were superior and arrogant boys deserved a lesson as she pulled out a knife from her boot.
Granger quickly sent a Patronus message to Luna, Ron, Harry, and Blaise.
The deranged Hermione had her knife close to Draco's throat, so close that he could feel the cold tip of the weapon on his skin.
"Stop," Granger emerged from under an invisibility cloak, but before she could do anything, her doppelganger struck her with a freezing charm, immobilizing her body.
Draco swore under his breath.
"So let's see how pure your blood is, shall we?" Hermione said as she pressed her knife down the side of his cheek, then traced her finger down the blood oozing from the wound and observed it. She had already snagged Draco's wand from him, rendering him defenceless.
At that exact moment Ron, Blaise, and Harry showed up, monetarily stunned by Hermione's next comment.
"Oh Lady Narcissa will be so proud," she said as the boys stared at her, dumbfounded.
"Lady Narcissa?" Draco stammered.
Lady Narcissa, apparently, was a feminist equal of the Dark Lord in the alternate reality that this Hermione had come from.
"So killing me is to send a message?" Draco asked as calmly as he could manage.
"Oh you're just first of the many I'm going to kill," she said with the same air of confidence that Draco differentiated her from the real Granger with. Grangers' confidence was bookish, and kind; this, this was just plain terrifying. "This is my dream, I've always wanted to be a killer, and think about the glory it will bring me when my Mistress is presented with your corpse."
In all the times that they had fought and been at each other's throats, Draco had never in his wildest dreams imagined a Hermione like this. After witnessing this terrifying image of her, he had a newfound respect for Grangers patience and kindness.
"We've dragged this long enough," Hermione said as she tugged her wand out of its holster and pointed it at her preys' chest. "I think a Killing Curse would be less messy and easier to manage, but it's so much fun to carve you with this knife. Decisions, decisions," she mused out loud.
"What are you people waiting for," Luna said, who had finally got Granger's message. That managed to break the other three boys out of their temporary paralysis. Harry quickly reversed the freezing charm on Granger.
"Stupefy," Luna shot at Hermione, at the same time Blaise screamed, "Petrifius Totalus." She fell to the floor with a loud thud as Luna as Blaise grinned at each other. Ron still stood baffled by the two identical looking but still completely opposite Hermione's in front of him.
Granger barrelled towards Draco. "Are you okay?" she asked, a hand lightly pressed to his bleeding cheek, so different from the way her savage doppelganger had done.
"Yeah," he let out a shaky breath and winced as his girlfriend healed his cut with her wand. "I'm sorry," he said, not wanting to risk the wrath of another Hermione Granger.
"Me too," she said.
"I love you, Granger," he said, resting his forehead on hers.
"Me too," she laughed. He glared at her. Oh, Granger could be cruel too, in her own way.
She then kissed him.
Harry cleared his throat, clearly uncomfortable. Ron, who had finally recovered from his shock, turned a steady shade of red that rivalled his hair. Blaise and Luna laughed at the two boys' clear discomfort at the public display of affection.
"So, what do we do with this one?" Harry asked, pointing at the unconscious Hermione on the floor.
"I suppose McGonagall could alert Kingsley and they could decide," Draco suggested.
"Or we could give her to the Blubbering Humdingers?" Luna said, referring to one of her non-existent creatures. Girls could be creepy, and scary, the four boys thought at the same time.
"Just a second," Granger said as she marked the other girls arm with a cross with her wand. "To tell us apart," she explained when the others looked at her with curiosity.
"Trust Granger to always be prepared." Draco muttered. Everyone laughed as he kissed her again.
"I love you too, Malfoy," she replied this time.
Draco smirked as the three boys started making gagging noises.
"So, the ferret lives," Ron said in mock dejection.
"Come on, you know you love me Weasel."
X – The End – x
AN: Also I'm using Hermione for the fake one and Granger for the real one in the latter part of the story, in case there was some confusion.