This was originally written as a challenge fic at If you've never been there, you should check it out because it's an excellent site, devoted to spike-centric buffy stuff. Now...

(A/N-Okay, after a few complaints that it was hard to read, I went to see what was wrong. For some reason, instead of having my list in list form, like it is at the other place it's posted, it wrote it as one pig huge run of paragraph. Well, I fixed that, as well as cleared up a bit of confusion over my various aliases that I post under. Hope it's better now!)
50 Things Worse Than Spike
by: Draco's Secret Lover (a.k.a. Vampchick4spike)
As was usual in the Summers' household, the littlest one was cooking something she called 'dinner', while the older one was sharpening weaponry. And outside the Summers' household, as usual, stood a man with a black leather duster, and too-blonde hair. As he had been standing there since sundown, there was a pile of cigarette butts that amounted to a whole pack. As the two sat down to 'dinner' he watched, and when it became obvious that the elder Summers was going slaying, he went and knocked on the door.

It opened to show the littlest Summers', with the elder one coming up behind, toting a non-descript blue backpack, which the man knew contained at least seven horrible things that would be used to kill several large nasty things that night. Upon seeing who it was, the elder Summers' began to look uncomfortable, but the younger one squealed. "Spike!" She calmed. "You staying or slaying?"

As he opened his mouth to answer, the older Summers' pushed her way out the door, and said, "Neither. Spike is going home." She put as much contempt into his name as possible.

"Well, you heard your sis, Nibblet. I guess we'll just let you stay home then, shall we. With the witch, I guess." Spike knew full well that the witch had left earlier, with the whelp and his ex-demon. The elder Summers' looked uncomfortable again. Spike turned to go, smirking, and mentally counting down. 'Three...he reached the edge of the porch...Two...Bottom of the steps...One...Across the lawn...Now.'

"Spike. Why don't you stay here. Dawn is bored." Buffy was positively writhing in agony after having to ask him to stay. With that, she turned and ran off as fast as she could, which was actually very fast, considering. Spike smiled an actual smile at Dawn as he walked in. He set down on the couch and was getting ready to turn on the tellie when the remote control was whisked away. "Bloody Hell, Dawn. What's with---."

"Let's get right down to business. On that night that we were in a living musical, I saw you and Buffy kiss." She smiled, and looked very proud of herself. Spike didn't notice, as he was too busy trying to breath, since he was so taken aback that he forgot he didn't need to.

"Now. I just wanted to tell you, that I totally think you and Buffy...great idea! You guys are so completely perfect together." Dawn was practically squealing again, and Spike could tell she'd been saving this up for that three days since The Event, and he's been mentally referring to it. Meaning, she probably hadn't breathed a word of all this to Buffy. But that was worth checking into.

"Nibblet, you uh, you haven't said any of this to Big Sis, have you?"

"Nope. I wanted to tell you first. So?"

"So what?" Spike was suspicious.

"So are you going to go for her? I know you like her. We all know. I figured it out first." She added as sort of an afterthought.

"Buffy will never love me, mostly because I happen to be evil. Inherently evil."

"Oh, come on. There are tons of things way more evil than you."

"Are not!" Spike was offended.

"Are so."

"Like what?"

"Like...People who talk during movies."

"Okay, I'll give you that, but people who talk during movies can't usually do this, can they?" Spike vamped. Dawn just rolled her eyes.

"You won't hurt me. Even if you didn't have that chip." Spike went back to human face, and frowned at her.

"Fine. So you've got one thing more evil than me. I bet you can't come up with ten more."

"Bet I can."

"Bet that even if you can, it won't do any good."

"You're on!" Dawn stuck out her hand for Spike to shake. He did, and she ran to get paper and a pen. She was digging around in the desk drawer, and Spike went and got himself a mug of blood from the fridge. While he was in there, he heard the phone ring. "Spike? Answer it. You're closer." Grumbling, he did as asked.


~~Hi! I'm Mary Susan Clark. May I speak to the head of the house hold?~~ For a half moment, Spike considered saying that she was out slaying, but then thought it might be important.

"Speaking." Buffy would kill him if she found out.

~~Well, hello there. I'm calling in behalf of the Sunnydale Citizens for Environmental Awareness and we'd just like to ask you a few quick questions. But first, I'd like to explain a little about our little club to you. We are a non-profit organization that dedicates itself to keeping our wonderful little town as nice and peaceful as it is today. We hold monthly meeting in the high school library and--~~ click Spike hung up on her.

"Anyone that calls 'Sunny-hell' 'nice and peaceful' while holding meetings in the high school bloody library, needs to be staked."

"What?" Asked Dawn, who had retrieved a yellow legal pad and a green felt tip pen while he was on the phone. "Who was it?"

"I got another one for your ruddy list. Bloody telemarketers."

"Ooo. Good one. Here, look what I got so far."

Spike to the paper and looked over her short list.

Fifty Things More Evil Than Spike
1. People who talk during movies.
2. Hell Gods from another dimension
3. Watchers' Council
4. Warren
5. Radio stations that stop the music to tell you they never stop the music
6. Telemarketers
"Fifty things?"

"Yup. I'm determined to think of fifty things worse than you, so that Buffy'll think you're not so bad after all." She smiled up at him. Right then, he was overcome with something that would have made him stake himself if he felt it only a few years ago. Love.

"Okay, Bit. Here we go. I'll help. Harmony." Dawn added it to the list.



"Anya's afraid of them."

"Okay. Fyarl Demons." Spike was thinking back to the time when that Rayne wanker turned the Watcher into one.

"How do you spell 'Fyarl'?"

"F-y-a-r-l, I think, Buffy won't know the difference anyway."

"Oh, Principle Snyder."

"The Mayor."

"Math class."

"Any class."

"Ruined clothes."

"Bad hair days." Dawn giggled.

"What made you think of that?"

"Clothes and Peaches."

"Oh! Angelus!"



"Captain Cardboard."

"Um, Spike? I know you hate Riley, and I like you way better than him, but Buffy doesn't think he's very evil."

"Fine. The Initiative."

"Cold Hamburgers."

"Flat drinks."

"Good one. Bad t.v. Reception."

"Bad poker hands."



"Half-deflated balloons." The two of them went on like that, their suggestions getting sillier as they went. When they finally got to fifty, they were stumped until Dawn finally cam up with 'Capri pants'.

"Buffy hates them." She explained to Spike. That done, they settled down to watch an ER rerun on cable until Buffy got home, which was only about forty minutes later. She dropped the bag and shrugged of her coat just inside the door, then immediately ran upstairs, and a few minutes later, they heard the shower running. Spike went over to the door and picked up the bag, from where it lie in a puddle of sticky, purplish goo. Dawn wrinkled her nose, but Spike just got the weapons out, filled the sink up, threw the bag in, and proceeded to clean the floor. Dawn got the hint, and took the coat to clean it.

When Buffy came back down, the still soaked but clean coat and bag lay on the table, where Spike and Dawn were sitting, with the list in hand. Buffy walked in slowly, and took in the whole scene. Dawn was practically bubbling with excitement, Spike looked oven cooler than usual, which meant something big was up, and they had cleaned up her mess. Perhaps something horrible had happened in the three hours she was out tonight. Like she was transported into the Twilight Zone. "What?"

"Here. We made you a list." Dawn leapt up from the edge of the table where she was perched, and handed Buffy a folded paper. She opened it, and it was covered with Dawn's messy scrawls. Giving the two of them a 'LOOK' she began to read.

Fifty Things More Evil Than Spike
1. People who talk during the movie
2. Hell Gods from another dimension
3. Watchers' Council
4. Warren
5. Radio stations that stop the music to tell you they never stop the music
6. Telemarketers
7. Harmony
8. Bunnies
9. Fyarl Demons
10. Principal Snyder
11. The Mayor
12. Math Class
13. Any Class
14. Ruined Clothes
15. Bad Hair Days
16. Angelus
17. Faith
18. Parker
19. The Initiative
20. Cold Hamburgers
21. Flat Drinks
22. Bad T.V. Reception
23. Bad Poker Hands
24. Detention
25. Half-Deflated Balloons
26. Re-runs
27. Stupid Commercials
28. Taco Bell
29. Elvis Impersonators
30. Really Preppy People
31. Narks
32. Anything made of paper mache
33. Golf
34. Anchovies
35. Carnies
36. Slippery Shoes
37. Code Red Mountain Dew
38. Elevator Music
39. Research
40. Training
41. Ethan Rayne
42. People who go on rides they know will make them sick then have to have the ride stopped half-way through because they got sick
43. Cleaning
44. Minions
45. Clowns
46. Things that move here because it's the Hell-mouth
47. Sunny-hell citizens that don't realize it's the hell-mouth
48. The Hell-mouth in general
49. Ventruiliquist Dummies
50. Capri Pants

Once through this list, Buffy stopped and read it again. Then she looked up at the two of them, and read through it again. "While I do heartily agree that Capri pants are way more evil than Spike, I think you're both insane." Dawn's smile slipped a few notches, and Spike silently turned and headed for the door. "Thanks for cleaning my stuff. Dawn, go to bed." Dawn looked as if she was about to cry. Buffy heard the door slam, and knew that Spike was now gone for the night. Suddenly, she felt bad. It must have taken them a long time to come up with this dumb thing. She shook her head, and decided not to throw it away. Slipping it in her nightstand drawer, she pulled her hair into a ponytail and went to bed. Yup. They were both insane. But one thing was for sure. Spike was not babysitting again anytime soon.