Title: Can't Forget
Author: Maea MacDermod
Email: maeve_aislinn@yahoo.com
Status: WiP
Category: Drama/ and this part is kinda missing scene, I guess
Pairings: Sam and Martouf
Spoilers: You will definitely want to see In the Line of Duty, Tok'ra part 1, and D&C is an absolute must!!
Season: First part takes place throughout Season 2 and Season 4, but the following parts will be taking place mid season 5, before Proving Ground (cause I haven't been able to see it yet)
Sequel: none thus far
Archive: If you want it, take it… just drop me a line so I can some by and visit every now and then. Thanks.

Rating: Uh, I guess we'll say PG-13.
Content Warnings: well, I didn't kill anyone that hasn't already been killed on the show, if that makes you feel any better… and there's a bit Sam ouchies, but I'm sure she's used to it by now.
Summary: I suck at summaries. Uh, I finally came to terms with the events at the end of D&C, and this is me dealing with it. First part is basically a review of the Sam/Martouf Friendship, and then part 2 will delve into the actual fiction writing. Is that a summary??

Disclaimer: "Any society that needs disclaimers has too many lawyers." - Erik Pepke (but just in case… Don't sue me, please! Nah, go ahead… sue me. All I have is a soul mate and a 7 year old daughter with the penchant for calling me "Hoochie Mama"… not too much to bargain with. I'd like to see your lawyers try to argue that in court!)

Oh yeah, // // symbolizes symbiote thoughts, * * symbolizes host thoughts,

and symbolizes zatarc programming.

***

Good friends we have, Oh, good friends we have lost
In this great future, You can't forget your past
So dry your tears, I seh.

~Bob Marly, No Woman, No Cry

***

She listened.

It was all she could do for she was trapped behind the steel bars of a jail cell.

So she listened some more… and paced fervently like a wild animal trapped in a cage.

The sensations grew rapidly closer, and soon she could only watch as the two military guards were killed by their kind's own crude weaponry. She did not show fear to the assassin as he entered, even though she was very much afraid.

The Ashrak examined the projectile handgun. "Interesting weapons these humans use." He neared the cell and forced the door open, causing a brief burst of sparks. "Kree shak, Jolinar. By decree of the Goa'uld System Lords, you will die with dishonor by the power of the Hara'kash." He raised his hand to her face level, showing the preferred weapon of the Ashrak. A humming noise increased as the power built up in the device.


"Hear this. The days of the Goa'uld System Lords are numbered. Tell them that I died with hope. My death only feeds the fire that burns strong in the Tok'ra." Jolinar spoke with passion and fury. It was the only way she could keep the quivering at a minimum. //I will not die in anyway other than I lived. I lived with courage, I will die with courage.//

Jolinar had been tortured before, but she had never felt pain as excruciating as she experienced from the Hara'kash.

The assassin was relentless, not faltering a second as he took the life of the Tok'ra operative. He did, however, silently wish that the Shol'va would have suffered more. Jolinar didn't even cry out once for mercy.

//Such a shame.//

The physical pain that Samantha Carter was forced to experience was no match for the mental torture both host and symbiote endured. The whole process took less than a minute, but inside it seemed like an eternity. Finally the Ashrak deactivated the weapon, and Carter's limp body slammed to the cold linoleum floor.

Time stretched out as the host/symbiote pair were vaguely aware of the things going on around them. A trauma team had been called, rushing them to the infirmary. Sam could hear Frasier and the others around her only faintly, as if they were yelling at her from the end of a very long tunnel. The voice of Jolinar was louder and closer, but very weak.

//Samantha Carter, you must be strong. Do not die… Do not allow the Ashrak to be successful.//

*I'm afraid.*

//I know… so am I//, the voice admitted. In an attempt to calm Carter as much as possible, Jolinar sent her memories of the Tok'ra. The quiet life on Vorash, a sensation of how soothing the bathing pools were, the vision of a man with the palest blue-gray eyes.

*This is what you wanted to get back to so badly, isn't it?*

//These people are my friends, Samantha.// Another memory of the man passed by. //They can be your friends too, if you can find them.// A vision of an activated DHD flashed through Sam's mind and she tried to memorize the glyphs. //If only… if only your people could have trusted me. This might have turned out so much better.//

*I'm sorry.*

//Don't be sorry - find them… Tell them that I tried to come home.// The man's face appeared again, this time he was laughing happily. //Tell him that I did not mean to break my promise.//

*How can I do this? We're dying.*

The Tok'ra used the last of it's energy to dump the remainder of it's memories into Carter's brain. //I will not allow you to die! Find him! Tell him!!//

*I will, I promise!* The visions quickly faded into blackness. *Jolinar? JOLINAR!* Suddenly, Sam realized that she was again alone in her own mind. The sounds of the infirmary rushed into her. A long steady beep, the whirl of the machinery, Janet's concerned voice.

"The parasite is dead."

That's when she realized that she was still alive and the symbiote was not. Slowly Carter opened her eyes, the lights above her making her eyes burn.

Colonel O'Neill stood over her, a faint triumphant smile on his lips. "You did it, Sam. You won."

*I won? Why doesn't it feel like I accomplished something good?* She gingerly shook her head, careful not to dislodge any of the dozen or so wires attached to her. Carter's voice was hoarse, her throat parched. "It wasn't me."

The colonel refused to believe her, passing her comment off as some sort of humbleness. "Oh yes it was. You hung in there. You beat it."

He was so sure of that, and it made the captain want to cry. Actually just thinking made Carter want to cry. Jolinar's sacrifice was too much to comprehend.

"The Gould gave it's life for me… it saved me," she had to turn away from their shocked expressions. This thing she just experienced… it was something that no one else could ever understand… not even her closest friends. Sam needed to be alone, while at the same time, she was saddened that she was finally alone again.

Sam laid in the hospital bed staring at the wall for days, ignoring all her visitors. O'Neill came by on a daily basis, as well as Daniel and Teal'c. Every day one of her teammates brought her fresh flowers and tried to engage her in a conversation. She ignored them and instead stared out into space, struggling to recall the things Jolinar told her… but most of all she needed to remember the name whispered into her brain the moment the symbiote died…

***

"Martouf," Carter said unexpectedly, surprising all those who surrounded her, including her own team members.

The man glanced at her quizzically, then returned his attention to the obvious leader of the raiding party. "I do not know this woman."

As suddenly as remembered his name, she was equally sure that this was the man from her visions. "But I'm right, aren't I. That's your name. Martouf."

"It is. How do you know me?"

The long dead voice of Jolinar echoed in her head. //Tell him that I did not mean to break my promise. Tell him that I tried to come home.// Carter pushed the insistent ghost to the side. She knew that this was not the time or the place for that information. *Let's start with the basics.*

"I don't. But I knew someone who did. His name was Jolinar of Malk-shur." If Captain Carter had any doubt that this was the man from her visions, it was erased at the sight of his face when she mentioned Jolinar's name. His face filled with many emotions, and though he tried to keep them hidden, Sam seemed to be able to read him. *Like a book. He's different than the others. I just have to find out why.*

***

"Jolinar and I were together for nearly... 100 of your years. She was my mate."

"Oh," *So I guess that explains why I'm having such a hard time not touching him. It explains everything… well maybe not everything.* "How does that work? She was whose mate? Martouf, or Lantesh?"

"Both."

The symbiote released his host, allowing Martouf to speak again. "Now let me attempt an explanation. As I said before, ours is a truly symbiotic relationship. So what I feel, Lantesh feels. And what Lantesh feels, I feel."

"So when one of you is in love, you both feel it. *Everything she did… Taking hosts against their will, fighting the SGC, trying so hard to get back to the Tok'ra… it was all for him. For Martouf.*

"Yes, we love as one. And, and we mourn as one."

"I'm sorry," Samantha finally felt as though she found the one person in the world who can understand the loss she felt from Jolinar's death.

"Don't be sorry. We want you to truly comprehend this so that you'll better understand us."

His words reminded Carter of the memories of Jolinar's last words. //Don't be sorry… find him.//

They spent nearly an hour on the surface, each speaking of the life and death of Jolinar of Malk-shur.

The entire concept was difficult for Carter to understand, but she wanted… no, needed to be here with the Tok'ra man. She studied his face as he spoke on, calmed by the beautiful eyes she remembered from her dreams.

"She left this feeling with you? You can feel how she felt for me?

"Yes. And it's confusing the hell outta me."

His concern was evident. "Why?"

Carter sighed, searching for the correct words to explain her emotions, knowing that there were none that could do the feelings justice. "Because it's not just in my mind like a memory, I feel it. Like I've had this relationship with you for 100 years. I don't know if I can describe it with words. What Jolinar felt for you, I don't even think I'm capable of comprehending."

"Maybe there's another way you can communicate it," Sam stared at him, wondering if he could read her mind. "Perhaps in a way other than words."

*Other than words?* Carter questioned silently to herself, but the memory of Jolinar spoke back. //Trust him…//

The two strangers sat on the dune without a sound, reaching out to each other with no hint of hesitation whatsoever. As their fingers intertwined, as their skin touched, Samantha Carter finally, for the first time since being taken as a host by Jolinar, felt at home. It was if a gentle surge of electricity pulsed throughout her body. It took a moment to realize that her heart now beat differently, it was synchronized to Martouf's.

//Heaven// thought Lantesh, as Martouf gently caressed Samantha's soft skin with his thumb. The symbiote felt his host tremble. //Martouf?//

The man listened as the beat of his heart harmonized with the Tau'ri woman's. *Jolinar is gone, Lantesh… Rosha is gone…*

//This is true//

*Then why do I feel such… joy… in being with another woman? What kind of mate was I that hours after finding out Jolinar's fate, I can sit here in absolute unity with Samantha Carter?*

//I do not know, Martouf. But I do know that Jolinar would not want us to mourn her death. She lived in such a way that she would want us to celebrate her life. I also know that she would not have saved the life of Captain Carter if Samantha was not a worthy soul. Perhaps Jolinar had a plan.//

The two were interrupted in their reveries when Jackson and several Tok'ra operatives approached. "Learning a lot about Jolinar?" he questioned, curiously.

She could barely break her gaze off from Martouf's. "Yeah, you'd be surprised how much…"

***

"Supreme High Councilor Persis of the Tok'ra, may I introduce the President of the United States of America."

That was it. That was the moment the Zatarc programming had been waiting for. It took control of Martouf and he backhanded Doctor Jackson, sending the human man to the ground yelling.

"Look out!"

Martouf struggled with the mind control. Target *NO!* The Tok'ra was able to hold out a beat longer, allowing the President to take cover.

Target another internal struggle, then he fired, missing the guard by several inches.

The first shot of resistance from Colonel O'Neill struck him, and he turned to neutralize the threat. Target pause, then fire, another miss.

*Lantesh! Help me!*

//I cannot… the programming is blocking me.//

New gunfire erupted from the left, this time two Secret Service men with automatic machine guns. The pain was unbearable. Target, Target *Stop me, Lantesh!* He held out again, and missed the two men in suits.

He watched helplessly as Teal'c entered. Teal'c, a loyal friend and fellow warrior. Martouf took aim. *No!*, but before he could fire, the large Jaffa did first. A single shot from a zat gun should have incapacitated him, but it merely brought him to his knees on the gate room floor, the blast meant for Teal'c going wild over his shoulder. And that's when he saw her. Samantha.

"Hold your fire!" she called out to the others in the room. Even now, she was trying to protect him… the man that almost killed her president… her friends.

He watched her eyes from his place on the ground. The Zatarc in Martouf wanted to fire again… to take aim at the woman both he and Lantesh held dearest in their hearts, but again he struggled. And that's when he realized the self destruct had activated. Slowly, his hand moved to the switch on the alien weapon that would activate the explosives. Martouf never allowed his gaze to leave Carter's. He needed her. She had to kill him before it was too late.

"Samantha…" he spoke, his voice a fervent plea for help. Help that Lantesh could not provide, so he had to turn to his next closest soul mate.

For a moment, he almost believed that she would not do it. Her expression begged him to fight it… begged him to ask someone else to end his life… but in the end, she did what was necessary to protect the SGC. She fired the second zat blast that kept everyone else safe, and then raced to his side before his body hit the ground.

There were so many things he wanted to say to her, so much ran through his mind, but he quickly realized that he was no longer in his body and instead standing beside it looking down on Samantha gently cradling him in her arms.

He knelt down, and gently touched her forehead. "I love you, Samantha. Please carry the memories of me as you carry Jolinar's, and I will always watch over you."

***