Title: Shigure's Secret Homosexual Bondage Dungeon

Summary: Every house has its secrets…

Somewhere, hidden deep inside of Shigure Sohma's house, lies a secret.

It slipped out one day in conversation. Casually. It was a secret that wasn't meant to have ever breached the light of day. But the words came out anyway, the result of a careless slip of the tongue.

"S…S…Secret homosexual bondage dungeon?! What do you mean, secret homosexual bondage dungeon?!" Yuuki's jaw dropped.

"It was bound to come out some day. Yes, I do have a secret homosexual bondage dungeon." Shigure said, as he sipped at his mug of tea nonchalantly. "What, why are you all looking at me like that? It came with the house."

Poor Tohru. It had taken more than just fresh air to revive her after that little revelation.

Of course, she wasn't the one that was ultimately the most worried. The epiphany had Kyo and Yuuki both on their toes. A secret homosexual bondage dungeon? What if…what if Shigure were to use Tohru as a cunningly devised trap to change them into their more helpless animal forms, so that they could in turn be caged in this secret dungeon? What exactly would someone like Shigure have to do with a secret homosexual bondage dungeon? Where in the house was it?

What if Shigure…well, what if?!

Desperate times call for desperate measures. One of course, in situations like this, goes to consult the elders of the tribe.

"Ha…Hatori-san?" Yuuki looked more than a little embarrassed, whispering into the phone. "Er…CanIaskyouareallyquickquestion?" He looked around furtively, as if looking for any signs of listeners.

"Eh? What was that again?" The voice came crackling through the line.

"Um…I was just wondering…er…do…um…do you know anything about uh, Shigure having some sort of…you know…dungeon?"

"Oh, his secret homosexual bondage dungeon? Sure. I've been in it a few times."

"Ah. So…er…what is it?"

"Can't say. I promised. Ah, sorry, Yuuki-kun, but I've got a patient. Let's talk later, okay?"

Click.

Yuuki carefully set the phone back in its cradle, and sighed deeply. Just as he leaned back against the hallway wall, he thought he could hear the faintest rattle of chains. Unnerved, he sprinted out the front door.

"Yo, Ayame," Kyo said as he opened the door of the store. A little bell chimed.

"Hey! Well I'll be, Kyo-kun's come to visit me at work! My heart overflows – do you bring news from my dear brother?" Ayame swept Kyo into his shop, chattering brightly as he led Kyo in.

"Er…not exactly." Kyo twitched, trying not to notice Ayame's flouncing skirts. Really, really trying. Trust Ayame to be modeling his own designs. Stupid mouse and his stupid snake brother. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Kyo vowed silently to make Yuuki pay for making Kyo go ask that crazy brother of his.

"So, what's the occasion? Did you need my services?" Ayame said brightly. "Because I am the best! Hahahahaha!"

"I." Twitch. "Don't." Twitch. "Need." Twitch." "A dress." Twitch.

"Oh?" Ayame arched an elegant eyebrow at him.

"Yeah." Kyo took a deep breath. "See. I just have this…er…question."

"What is it?"

"Um. Well, you see. The other day, Shigure said something about…you know…er…" Kyo's face flushed bright red.

"Something about…" Ayame looked at him expectantly.

"Something about a secrethomosexualbondagedungeon!" Kyo blurted out, trying to get out all the words at once, as if somehow that would alleviate the embarrassment.

"Oh, that old thing?" Ayame rolled his eyes. "Of course I know about it. Why wouldn't I? After all, Gure-san and I are so very close."

"Aah…aaah…I…I…er…" Kyo felt like his brain had decided to take a vacation. Somewhere nice and tropical, perhaps Bermuda?

"I of course have been inside of it many times. You cannot believe what he's got in there. It's quite an experience."

"Um…er…I…"

"Did you know he's got just the biggest…oh, I shouldn't say. Ha-san will be so very upset if he thinks I'm corrupting the innocent youth. Hahahaha."

"So…er…where…where…"

"Oh, I can't tell you exactly where it is," Ayame said with a wink. "That would just ruin the secret now, wouldn't it?"

Kyo fell over.

So much for the tribal elders.

Of course, as the old adage says, God helps those who help themselves…

"All right. Here's the plan." Yuuki sat down at the low table and began sketching out a rough diagram of the layout of the house.

"Plan? What do you mean, plan? You're not in charge of this!" Kyo fumed.

"Oh yeah? Do you think you have a better idea?" Yuuki continued sketching blithely, ignoring Kyo's outburst. "As a matter of fact, I am the one drawing a blueprint, so I think it's obvious that I have an idea as to what we should do."

"Well, after *you* sent me off to talk to *your* crazy brother, I think that I get to have a hand in planning this."

"Oh, bring him up," Yuuki said, annoyed. "Fine. Why don't you tell me what *you* think, cat?"

"I think…er…well…"

"What, cat got your tongue?"

"SHUT UP!" Kyo snarled, leaping to his feet. "I swear, I'm going to rip you a new one if you don't…"

"Oh, evading now? I suppose you didn't have a plan then," Yuuki said smoothly, his pencil scratching the outline of the upper story on a new sheet of paper.

"No, I have one! You bastard. I'll…" Kyo panted, his fists clenched, and took a deep breath, getting his bearings. "Okay. My plan is that we should go and shake down that damned dog until he confesses."

"Great idea." Yuuki rolled his eyes. "Like he's going to tell us if even that blabbermouth brother of mine won't."

"Argh!" Kyo stomped around furiously. "So what sort of brainiac plan do you have, genius?"

"I," Yuuki said softly, his eyes catching a particular gleam, "Think that we should…"

And so they did.

From top to bottom, they combed the house together, with Yuuki's rough blueprint as their guide. They searched each and every room, tapped the walls, poked under furniture, moved books, checked closets, peeked under rugs, opened cabinets, closed drawers…every possible nook and cranny.

Finally, it was down to two areas. One was Tohru's room – they were leery of going inside without her permission. The last time that had happened (totally on accident, really), Hatori had found out somehow (Shigure) and decided to personally come down to verbally smack the hell out of both of them. Therefore, it stood to reason that even Shigure stayed out – the wrath of Hatori was far too great of a deterrent, even for him.

The last, of course, was Shigure's.

So they waited. And waited. And waited. The man never seemed to leave the house, except on business to the Sohma compound, which wasn't as frequent as they would have liked. Added to this was the fact that Shigure would occasionally give them the oddest looks, as if he was planning something. Perhaps something involving a secret homosexual bondage dungeon. It was driving both of them up the wall, and a few times, through it.

"Damnit. Damnit, damnit, damnit!!" Kyo cursed as he patched the broken paper-screen door.

"You know, this is all your fault that the door's busted again. Shigure won't even let Tohru help us fix the door this time," Yuuki scowled as he pasted shards of wood together. It made no sense that they kept repairing this damned door, Yuuki thought. It was nearly ready to meet its maker. Shigure should really invest in a good solid oak door or something.

"My fault?!" A piece of wood splintered beneath Kyo's fingers. "MY FAULT?!"

"Yeah, you heard me. Or are you like one of those yowling Siamese cats that can't hear?" Yuuki stated blandly.

"You're the one who started it!" Kyo pointed an accusatory finger at Yuuki.

"I can't believe you're so touchy about your stupid milk. If it means so much to you, why don't you go buy your own carton?" Yuuki shrugged.

"You bastard, I did buy my own carton!"

"Next time, maybe you should leave a note."

"I did leave a note!" Kyo's fists came to the fore.

"Oh. Well, my bad." Yuuki smiled smugly.

"Boys, boys." A voice cut through the fracas. Shigure walked into the room, Tohru in tow. "So much noise for a door-mending."

"What is it now, dog-boy?" Kyo scowled. "We're just talking."

"Oh, I just wanted to let you two know that Tohru-chan and I are going shopping!" Shigure sparkled. "She needs a ride to the store and of course, I could never allow such a sweet young thing to go unescorted."

At that, both Kyo and Yuuki leapt to their feet.

"No way!" They both said at once. Then, an awkward pause. They looked at each other sheepishly, before settling into a good long mutual glare.

"Um…er…it's all right," Tohru piped in. "I'll be all right with Shigure-san."

"Of course she will!" Shigure beamed. "Besides, you two need to fix the door. I hope it's fixed before we're baaaaack..." Shigure sang, as he escorted Tohru out the door. "Because otherwise a certain doctor might get a phone caaaall…"

"That…that…" Kyo stuttered, too angry to speak.

"Bitch?" Yuuki supplied.

"Thanks. That bitch!" Kyo steamed, pacing around the room like a caged tiger.

Yuuki frowned, thinking about the implications of Shigure taking Tohru out. He didn't like it, not one bit. But then, there was always the vague possibility that Shigure was a homose…wait a minute…

"Wait a minute, Kyo. I just realized something."

"WHAT?!" Kyo skidded to a stop mid-pace.

"We were waiting for Shigure to leave the house, weren't we? You know. So we could go look for…*that*."

"Oh yeah. *That*." Anger forgotten, Kyo's eyes lit with a spark of inspiration. "Let's go."

The two scrambled down the hall, skidding to a stop before Shigure's rooms. It was sacrosanct territory, down to the sign on the door that led to his quarters.

"Don't even knock. I don't want to hear it. It doesn't matter if I'm dead, dying, or if the house is burning down…do NOT enter, ever! I'm busy writing! Or having sex!! Or sleeping!!! Hopefully the second! So unless you're Tohru-chan, who is ALWAYS welcome in (heart), go away!!!" Followed by a cute little sticker of a dog wagging its tail and more little hearts drawn along the margins.

"What a weirdo," Kyo commented.

"Yeah. I can't believe we're related to him," Yuuki added. "Oh wait, I can."

"What are you trying to say?"

"That we're a bunch of freaks."

"Yeah? Thanks for the update, professor. I'm sure that never crossed my mind when I turn into a cat."

"Oh, just shut up." Taking a deep breath, Yuuki reached for the doorknob.

The door creaked open.

An office. A desk, a computer, some stacks of books, papers strewn around at random…a few calligraphic wall scrolls hung on the wall (for inspiration, no doubt). But otherwise, nothing out of the ordinary. Okay, so wasn't the first room. No surprise there. The two of them peeked around quickly, eager to move forward.

Into the next. Shigure's bedroom. Kyo opened the door to this room, Yuuki being a bit skittish and unwilling to turn the knob.

"What if that's the room? You know, the dungeon?" Yuuki whispered.

"Shut up, you wuss. And why are you whispering?" Kyo whispered.

"I don't know. You're doing it too though," Yuuki hissed.

"Oh. Right."

The door opened smoothly.

Completely normal. Well, as normal as any man's bedroom can be. A few loose pieces of clothes tossed here and there, the bed was in a happy disarray, and there were more piles of books and scattered papers.

"Hmmm." Yuuki looked around. "I guess that's it."

"Yeah." Kyo tapped his chin. "But there's something a bit weird about this room…something…wait, I get it."

"What?"

"Look at the closet doors." Kyo pointed.

"Doors?"

"Yeah. There's two. So one of them has to be the…secret…secret…you know what I'm talking about."

"Yeah." Yuuki shivered. "You first."

"No way."

"Okay, so we both open the door. At once. Let's get the one on the right first." Yuuki steeled himself, as Kyo walked over to the first door. Together, they slid it open.

"I guess he does have a dozen of those stupid yukatas." Yuuki rolled his eyes. Nothing but a regular closet, full of clothes hung up on a rack.

"Sure looks like it." Kyo sighed in relief.

"That means…"

"Yeah…it's…"

"The other door," Yuuki said with a grim note of finality.

The other door. The secret was about to be breached. Penetrated, as it were. On second thought, let's not use those last few verbs; we don't want to think about the implications of a secret homosexual bondage dungeon in conjunction with those terms.

Or do we?

Nah.

The secret, then, was about to be revealed…

"Okay. Obviously, neither of us is going to go first. So we'll have to both do it at once. I mean, open it." Kyo scowled.

"Yeah. That's fine. I don't mind doing it with you. I mean, I don't mind opening the door at the same time. As you. You know what I mean." Yuuki twitched, flustered.

"Okay. Here we go. Let's do it fast."

"But not like that."

"Shut up, and put your hand on it! I mean, the door!"

"Okay! I will! Just…"

"Sorry about that, Tohru-chan! You want to come with me while I get it?" Shigure's voice sounded faintly through the house.

"Sure!" Tohru's voice was closer.

Oh shit. Ohshitohshitohshit. Kyo and Yuuki froze, their hands on the door to the ultimate secret of Shigure's house.

"He's back?" Yuuki's eyes grew very, very wide.

"No shit! I mean, oh shit!" Kyo flailed. "What are we gonna do?"

"Let's just stay really quiet and hope he doesn't come back here."

Shigure's voice drew nearer, his footsteps clunking along the wooden floor of the hallway, Tohru's light steps pattering along after his. "I bet I left my wallet in my bedroom. Why don't you come with me, since I've got this book that I think you'll like. I forgot to tell you about it before we left."

"Sounds good!"

"Book?" Kyo blinked. "'Let me show you my book?' That has got to be the worst pickup line I've ever heard."

"You idiot, he's coming back here!" Yuuki hissed.

"Ah crap!" No time to hide! No time! The footsteps grew closer.

Suddenly, the door opened.

"Why. It's you two." Shigure's eyes took on a dangerous gleam, Tohru flitting behind him in the doorway, looking a bit concerned at the change in Shigure's tone of voice.

"I…that is…we were…" Kyo flailed.

"Just…er….um…it's not what it looks like!" Yuuki blurted out.

"So. You wanted a peek, eh?" Shigure's voice grew low and deadly. "A peek inside of my…secret homosexual bondage dungeon?"

"Wah!" Tohru's jaw dropped. Her face drained of color as she stuttered. "It…it…it-it-it-it-it-it…it's real?"

"Oh yes." Shigure said, as he advanced on the cowering forms of Yuuki and Kyo. "It's quite real. And these two are about to find out just how real it is."

"Shigure-san!" Yuuki backed against the hard surface of the forbidden door.

"We didn't mean it!" Kyo's hands were shaking fast in a gesture of negation. "Oh shit!"

"Come here, Tohru. I'm going to need your help."

"H-h-h-h-help?" Tohru trembled like a leaf in high wind.

"Sure. It won't hurt a bit. I think you might even like it. Trust me," Shigure smiled at Yuuki and Kyo, a smile full of fangs, sharp teeth, and the promise of horrible, horrible things.

"Oh…okay." Tohru stepped forward.

In a flash of motion, Shigure grabbed both boys by the scuff of their necks, and turned them toward Tohru, pushing them at her. Their arms automatically moved to slow down their sudden acceleration, and presto-pronto-poof! Suddenly, the only evidence that two young men were ever there were two piles of discarded clothes.

"Aw man." Kyo struggled, claws scrabbling in mid-air, as if trying to gain purchase. In Shigure's other hand, Yuuki sighed, growing limp, Shigure's fingers digging into the scruff of his neck.

Shigure held the two of them at arm's length, eyeing them both.

"So you wanted to know what was in my secret homosexual bondage dungeon, did you? Don't you know better about secret rooms? Haven't you ever read the story of Bluebeard?" Shigure gave the two of them a shake.

"Sorry! Sorry! We won't ever go into your room ever again!" Yuuki pleaded.

"It's all his fault!" Kyo whimpered. "But we'll never do it again! Ever! Promise!"

"Well, I think that all this curiosity deserves a little reward," Shigure said, after a prolonged pause. "Oh wait, did I say reward? I meant punishment." He ground out the last few words.

Both cat and mouse were shaking in their respective fur. They had never seen Shigure like this before.

Tohru gasped. "What are you going to do?" She asked, her voice full of horror.

Shigure winked at her. "Please open the door, Tohru-chan," Shigure said, his voice becoming cheerful again.

"But…but…but I…"

"Pretty please?" Shigure gave her an imploring look.

"Um…okay!" Tensed, she inched forward, and set her hands on the door. Shigure turned the pair so that they couldn't see the doorway as Tohru opened the door.

"Now turn on the light, please."

"Okay." A click of a switch. A gasp from Tohru. Yuuki and Kyo strained to see what was going on, but couldn't, being held firmly in Shigure's grasp.

"You wanted to see? Well, now you can! Look! LOOK ALL YOU WANT!" Shigure cackled, as he turned the two to face the open door with a swing of his arms.

"Sweet mother of…!"

"Aaaaaaaaaah!"

Later…

"So they're fixing that door of yours again? Isn't that excessive?" Hatori's voice sounded annoyed over the phone line.

"Yeah. The brats got into a fight again this morning," Shigure said, fiddling with some loose pencils on his desk.

"Get a new door."

"Oh, Ha-san, they'll just break the new one."

"Not if it's made out of solid oak."

"You'd be surprised. Yuuki-kun and Kyo-kun both can pack a serious punch when they put their minds to it. Besides, it builds character."

"I suppose that's true." A sigh. "You know Shigure, Yuuki-kun was asking me about your dungeon the other day."

"Oh really?" Shigure raised an eyebrow at the receiver. "Do tell."

"I told him nothing. I suppose they'll go looking for it eventually."

"Yeah, they already tried. I caught them at it this afternoon."

"Oh? With you there? They're quite bold."

"No, I was on my way out. Forgot my wallet, came back in to get it, and there they were, the two rascals. I caught them red-handed."

"Hmph. Figures."

"Gave them the scare of a lifetime though," Shigure grinned. "I swear both of them are going to end up with white fur by the time I'm through with them."

"Shigure, don't go tormenting the boys more than need be."

"Oh, come on. It builds character."

"Right." Hatori didn't sound convinced. "So? What happened?"

"I had Tohru give them both a big hug as punishment. And gave their furry little butts a peek into the dungeon."

"Shigure, I really wish you'd give it some other name. Why do you call it that, anyway? It's just where you keep your awards and press clippings. Why can't you just use your walk-in closet for clothes like normal people?"

"I'm not normal people, Ha-san. Having those things plastered to the walls of my dungeon helps inspire me when I have writer's block. Besides, I like the name. Gives it an air of mystery."

"Sure, whatever you say."

And thus, Shigure's secret homosexual bondage dungeon was revealed to be nothing more than a writer's personal quirk.

But somewhere in Shigure's house, perhaps beneath a stray stack of books in his office, perhaps underneath his bed, or perhaps in the corner of the walk-in closet that functioned as Shigure's 'dungeon,' are a few loose floorboards. And if one were to look closely, one could see that perhaps there is a little imperfection; a knot in the wood that a finger could slip into and pull up, if one were so interested. And perhaps it leads to a set of stone stairs that go deep below the ground.

After all, it came with the house, right?

So maybe there's another hidden chamber inside Shigure's house.

Shigure's not telling. And of course, Ayame and Hatori, Shigure's closest friends who know all of his secrets save one, aren't telling either.

Time will tell. It's bound to come out some day.

Disclaimer: Fruits Basket belongs to Takaya Natsuki.

Thanks and notes:

A special note of mention goes to Cyrus for suggesting the concept of Shigure having a secret homosexual bondage dungeon. Thanks to Geoduck for prereading, fine-tuning, and inspiring me to write this by suggesting a function for the dungeon. Snuzzle Duck.

Bonus! EAG's tips on how to successfully format a document to look like what you want it to look like on FF.net.
Step 1: Have a properly formatted Word document, and save as html.
Step 2. Upload to FF.net. Preview, note errors in formatting. Scream in frustration.
Step 3. Copy FF.net's version into html, fix errors, reupload. Note same errors reappearing. Scream in frustration.
Step 4. Spend 30 minutes formatting and reformatting before figuring it out. This is where most of the screaming comes in handy.
Step 5. Write down best method to format. Here we go: Save Word doc as html. Upload to FF.net. Copy FF.net version into .html file. Paste html version into notepad. Fix any errors. Copy and paste txt version into html. Save. Upload. Double check for errors. Fix, reupload. Repeat until desired results.

Thank you for reading!

C&C can be sent to cori_ohki@hotmail.com

Rainkitty: eag.squidkitty.org