Have you ever dived into water knowing you'd never get out?
Suffocated and drowning…
Cold and isolated…
That's what it felt like to him the minute he felt that gaze on him, observing, calculating, and silently judging. He felt it like fire on skin, like pricks from the cactus in his room and every time he tried his best to smile. Because after all, that was his best weapon. His only weapon.
Easily returning the topspin, quickly deciding that this person wasn't worth his, if not any of his triple counters, Fuji won the point including the game once his return shot landed with perfect precision to the baseline on his opponents right hand side.
Smile not even triumphant nor excited at the fact that he had won his team's game, he turned only to be hugged by his overly hyperactive friend, "You did it Fujiko!" The yell in his ear practically tickled his clouded conscious nearly bringing him back to the reality he so didn't want to accept just yet.
Fuji chuckled and patted his friend on the arm, nodding at the few compliments given by his teammates, especially Oishi who had said his game was on point. He almost laughed at his comment but nodded thanking him anyway.
Truth was he hadn't even given it his all. Perhaps Echizen had taken notice and that was why he simply tugged his cap a tad lower when he walked by him.
Reaching for his bottle of water away from everyone else, he drank from it with relief. He felt that presence practically hovering behind him and his heart skipped a beat. He turned around to meet that gaze and had he not trained himself already to smile so effortlessly he would've dropped it in shock and fear.
The captain was never good with words but his gaze said everything Fuji needed to know and everything he didn't want to hear drifted into his ears as if he had voiced them. He sighed turning back around walking away not at all wanting to deal with his friend, no, his captain right now.
"I'm so tired!" Eiji yelled as Fuji approached. Having spotted the honey brown haired tensai, Eiji wrapped his arm around Fuji, "Lets get some food Fujiko!" Fuji chuckled, feeling that gaze boring into him again.
He moved away with the excuse to grab his jacket, "Maybe another time." Fuji said with an apologetic smile. Eiji's eyes downturned in sadness and immediately located the youngest of their team, grabbing him expressing his hunger.
Sliding his jacket on, he grabbed his bag, slumping it over his shoulder. The wind blew and he felt that chill that he so very much wanted to break free from arise from within him.
How simple could life be with the simplicity of desire and the simplicity of wanting everything, he wondered. A hand lightly brushed against his and he closed his eyes with foretold desire. An itch rose from within him to spin around and run forever. It was like being trapped in a spider web that he wished he could stay stuck in forever but with the joy of freedom as he moved his limbs. Thoughts his own without the clouding of that face, that body and that gaze. Damn that gaze of his.
He didn't question anything once he heard footsteps trailing behind him. It was like a silent yell that he ignored and would continue to until they were long gone from the bustle and commotion of their teammates.
The silence continued once he entered the comfort of his home. Silent like always, almost untouched. Too clean to call it home but home nonetheless. How long had it been this way?
"Why?" Was all he heard as he removed his bag from his shoulder, placing it in its respective spot next to his bed. Everything he had wanted to escape in just three letters were voiced by that deep rich voice that quietly and loudly boomed in his empty room.
He chuckled and felt the tension around him grow. "Can I at least take a shower?" He asked with a small smile on his lips not wanting to face him. Not wanting to be caught like he already was. He heard a slight grunt and headed to the bathroom. Closing the door, his mind began racing, his heart ached and his hands trembled with every movement he made to take off his clothes. He wanted to be there, side by side with him. He wanted to be there to tell him everything was okay but he felt so naked. Just so naked next to him. Never had he felt the need to hide as much has he wanted to now in the presence of someone that he had grown so very, very used to.
He couldn't take it. He was drowning.
If he knew it, he probably didn't voice it. So when the hand that cupped his cheek was gentle and comforting so unlike the many times before after every tournament match, he stared into hazel eyes in shock. "I'm sorry." Tezuka whispered just centimeters away from his lips before claiming them. Gentle and loving. "I'm sorry." He whispered again as he pulled away to place his lips on his forehead.
Fuji's heart broke and he looked down, feeling lips caress his skin, hands reassuring him. He had been so unfair. Had he known that? He raised his hands to push Tezuka away and glanced into those eyes that were full of pain and hurt. Fuji turned his gaze elsewhere idly keeping in mind to probably return the CD he had borrowed from Eiji. "Don't." Fuji whispered, trying his best to mask the tremble in his voice but failing.
Tezuka moved once again closer to him, enveloping him in his arms. "But," and was silenced once Fuji placed his fingers against his lips. A smile gracing the tensai's face. Soft but broken with emotion that dared not spill not here, not now. Tezuka closed his eyes and nodded.
His hand trembled yet again with the feeling of entrapment that surrounded the stoic captain whose eyes were closed, not wanting to look into his cerulean eyes that were so saddened.
Tezuka knew it. He had done a terrible thing and regardless of being there, understanding and loving him, he had hurt him. All because of his own selfish demands.
Fuji placed his forehead on Tezuka's taking in a deep breath wanting to stay like this forever but the pain in his chest, the pain on his ribs and the pain from nights ago drifted all back again making their closeness almost unbearable, just almost. He was scared but he wanted to feel what he had felt that day they first laid eyes on each other. That sense of reassurance, understanding and warmth so lovely he had had his head so high in the clouds it was hard to breath around the captain. He wanted to make sure he wasn't wrong, he wasn't wrong about the fact that he had fallen in love with such a powerful, determined and wonderfully kind hearted person like the one he had often spent nights to talking on phone, countless days walking home from school and talking nonsense. He wasn't wrong. And that much he wish he didn't doubt.
Tezuka blindly raised his hand cautiously, just to rest on Fuji's waist and inched closer when the tensai didn't move but instead let out a labored sigh of relief. "Please?" Tezuka quietly whispered, his voice uncharacteristically low almost as if begging.
Fuji stared at those closed eyes of the stoic man and placed his palms on either side of Tezuka's face, his thumbs caressing his cheekbones, contemplating if it was okay. Okay to kiss him, to stare into those lovely eyes of his and feel wanted rather than fear. His eyes traveled down to those lips that had made love to him countless times, stolen his every breath with every caress and closed his own eyes feeling so very confused and scared for the first time in his life. Where had they gone wrong?
He was sure that he wanted this but after that night he was so afraid. He pushed it so far to the corner of his mind not at all wanting to conjure up the feelings that had rose within him that night, not at all wanting to remember the way those eyes stared at him with pure hatred like a beast gone mad. Tezuka sensed his fear and took a step back only for Fuji grab hold of his jacket. "I…" Tezuka started but Fuji didn't allow him any further as he took that step back from the captain. Drawing his hands back onto the sides of his face. His breath so close yet so far.
For once in his life, Tezuka was terrified of what he had become and he had also pushed that night so far into the corner of his mind. Occupying his mind with everything to erase what he had done. He turned away.
Words were never necessary but right now he wished he had all the words he had wanted to say spill from his lips because he wanted to say so much, say everything that should have been said but for the life of him no words came to the shorter of the two. He simply stared at that handsome, stoic and serious face of the man tucked inside the body of a child. Suddenly the thought came to him that Tezuka was truly a child but that never deterred him from wanting this as much as he had then. "I love you…" Fuji whispered and felt the body in front of him tense. Tezuka once again took a step back and Fuji held him. Now was not the time to run away and he too would not turn on his heels and run out of his house because he wanted to mend what they had both broken. They had strayed far from their relationship and pushed past those boundaries of trust that night. The bruises were still evident on his body and he knew that gaze only followed him out of concern of breaking something Tezuka had so very much held dear. "But," Fuji paused and the hand on his waist turned into a fist and he could hear Tezuka's heart breaking like glass shattering onto the floor, so he smiled. "You have to talk to me." At this, Tezuka opened his eyes in shock, if shock was what you'd call his expression.
"I did a terrible thing." Tezuka whispered not looking into those cerulean eyes. I'm afraid. Fuji heard the unspoken words clearly.
Fuji nodded, "I'm afraid too." Tezuka finally looked at him and he simply gave him a reassuring smile. "I was never wrong about you." Fuji whispered bringing himself closer to those lips. Had he ever been so contemplative before like he was now? He was sure he never had been. "So prove it to me. Prove to me you're the same." The same as when we met.
Tezuka raised his hand to hold onto the tensai's so very hesitantly. Pain and anguish evident in his touch and eyes. "What if-" it happens again?
"I won't let it."
Tezuka stared into those eyes full of determination and resolve. Fuji had always been someone that had taken his breath away, invaded his thoughts like a parasite, ruined everything he kept organized like a hurricane, no, like the ocean. He was as terrifying as the ocean and that's what had caused his rage. The fear of never knowing what to expect, how to understand the tidal waves, to predict how the current flowed. It had scared him because he'd never had that in his life but what had scared him more was seeing that ocean so quiet and so tense.
Have you ever seen a calm ocean?
Closing the space between them, Tezuka placed his lips against Fuji's. Shy and hesitant unlike so many times before. He had never been this cautious around Fuji and it broke his heart to know he had caused him pain. He had broken the ties they had tried so hard to build. Much to his surprise, Fuji leaned much closer to him, carefully. He too, wrapped his arms around him gently and loving once he deepened the kiss.
Ah, this was what it was like to be trapped in those arms, to be trapped under that gaze. If he strayed too far from home, he'd be pulled back almost like he was his gravity. He hissed a little pulling away and Tezuka took another step back in fear. Fuji chuckled, "Don't worry." He whispered pulling Tezuka towards him crashing his lips against his once more. "I'm stronger than you think." Fuji whispered huskily against his lips, his fingers gently running into that ruffled messy hair of his. He wanted this. He wanted to fall harder than he had before if that was at all possible. Even if they were both broken, he wanted to pick up those pieces and place them back together. His own little world consisted of large puzzle pieces and even though theirs was much complicated it made it all the more worthwhile to put them together because the satisfaction of completing that complication was knowing that they had done so.
Tezuka nodded a small smile finally gracing his lips and Fuji felt a pleasant chill run down his spine. "I know." He whispered back against his ear this time.
A/N: I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I JUST CREATED~ x.x
Anyway... hehe... I wrote this random piece and I wanted to share it because I wanted to hear your opinions. Quite honestly, I was listening to J-Hope's new album and this THIS was made out of THAT. Uhm... So please don't kill me for making Tezzie this way nor our lovely Tensai this way either.
It seems Tezuka lost control one night after a match trying to ask Fuji why he wasn't serious in anything and so he got violent. That's what led to this very angsty confrontation. Throughout it all it's beautiful how Fuji no matter what wants things to work knowing that Tezuka isn't like that at all and even if, to mend and work through it. I think at some point everyone has a falling out and they call quits but Fuji doesn't want that. Neither of them do. It's cute... Saa...now I'm just rambling lol.
Well... I HOPE you liked this very random bit.