Special thanks to Anthea and the Lord of the Rings Random Ficplot Generator: (www.kitsune.cx/~amorpha/lotr-plotgen.html) and Kero from the OFUM list, who generated the random plot and shared.

Colonel Dirtyfishydishcloth belongs to Tori Amos

Lord of the Rings, and all characters and concepts therein, belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien and the Tolkien estate.

The Woeful tale of Princess Dirtyfishydishiel

One: A girl falls into Middle-earth. SPLAT!

Margaret was called Gretel-not for any truly known reason, but it probably had to do with the fact that between cousins, aunts, and grandmothers, there was a Margaret already, not to mention two Megs, a Maggie, and a Meggie. She was a rather plain girl, with undescript brown hair that was neither thick nor thin. She was tall, and on the plump side, given to wearing flat shoes to disguise her height. No one would confuse Gretel with her alter-ego, Princess Dirtyfishydishiel of Enyanal Forest, her self- inserted character into Middle-earth.

Princess Dirtyfishydishiel was a gorgeous Elf, tall, but slender, with gentle soft curls of golden honey colored hair cascading down to her ankles. Her eyes were like sapphires or amethysts depending on her mood. She sang like a nightingale, luring the animals of the forest to her. She could even tame the infamous Spiders of Mirkwood with her voice alone- something she discovered after she journeyed from the East to join in an arranged marriage to Legolas Greenleaf, Prince of Mirkwood. This was, of course, before all the foolish frippery with the ring. In fact, despite the fact that Princess Dirtyfishydishiel and Legolas despised each other before he was summoned for the Council of Elrond, it was on the quest that Princess Dirtyfishydishiel and Legolas realized their true love for each other, and after the Ring was destroyed, Legolas and Princess Dirtyfishydishiel were reunited and married in Mirkwood, and lived there happily until the end of time.

Gretel liked that fantasy. Princess Dirtyfishydishiel was perfect in every way. And she got to sleep with Legolas-who was undoubtedly the hottest creature in Middle-earth. There was no secret that Gretel was in love with Legolas. She had made her father return her copy of The Two Towers (the one with ugly old Saruman on it) in favor of the new edition with Legolas on it. Not that she truly had read the books. She had used the index to find all the parts with Legolas in it, and skipped the rest. After all, what else mattered? She had read a little bit of The Hobbit until she realized that Legolas was not mentioned in it at all.

But she was over that now, because she had found a ring just a few seconds ago. In fact, it looked exactly like the ring that Legolas had given Princess Dirtyfishydishiel upon his return from the Quest to Destroy the Ring. Well, it looked exactly as she had pictured it in her mind when she wrote it down. It was a mithril ring (fashioned from some of the rings from Frodo's mithril vest of course) with three strands weaving together in a braid, until at the top it held a large sapphire surrounded by diamonds. There was no mistaking that it was the same one as she had described.

Gretel wondered if she had actually written the truth-that Legolas actually had married Princess Dirtyfishydishiel and they were still living until the end of time together in bliss. Well, until Gretel was born because she and Princess Dirtyfishydishiel were the same person... thing... whatever. And now she was old enough to find Legolas again, and the ring was a definite sign that it was time to do so. She wondered where Middle-earth would be in comparison to Earth. She gazed at the ring while she sat down to think. It wouldn't be the Middle-East, that was for sure, even though their names were close. No, it was probably in some parallel dimension below Earth, but not yet to the Earth's core. That way it would be Middle-earth!

Smiling triumphantly, Gretel slipped the ring on her finger, heading for the nearest man-hole where she could start her journey downward to Middle- earth. She didn't go very far before a void opened up and she started to fall.


Gretel awoke to find a creature of supernatural beauty looking down at her. The creature was humanoid in appearance, fair beyond the measure of men, with pointed ears. It was an Elf! She had done it! She was in Middle- earth!

Gretel sat up far to fast, causing a dizzy-spell. She held her head and looked around. It looked like triage in an ER, there were so many bodies around. Some were waiting patiently, some were standing, some were sitting on the ground, still unconscious. This wasn't like any Middle-earth she had seen on the movie screen.

"Welcome to the Halls of Mandos," said the Elf. "Before we sort you out, we're going to need a little information."

Gretel sputtered for a second. "You're an Elf!" she said, before she realized how stupid she sounded.

The Elf shook its head. "No, I am a Maia," it corrected.

"A what?" Gretel asked, trying to clear her head.

"A Maia," it repeated. " A lesser spirit of the Ainur."

Gretel was still visibly confused at the remark. She hadn't heard of any Maia or Ainur in Middle-earth. She was beginning to think she had landed in the wrong place.

"Never mind," the Maia said. "In order to process you best, I'm going to need your name, race, and the approximate date upon which you fell."

Gretel blinked. "I don't understand," she said.

The Maia sighed, as if it had been through this many times before. "You are in the Halls of Mandos. Annex 12-Q to be precise. In order to get out, you need to be processed. I need your name, race, and the approximate date upon which you fell."

It was now or nothing. Gretel was dimly remembering something about Halls of Mandos now. She had read it in some piece of fanfiction or another. She couldn't remember everything about them, but she realized they must be some sort of gateway. Probably to keep the true beings of Middle-earth in, and the rest of the people from Earth out. "Princess Dirtyfishydishiel of Enyanal Forest," she declared. "I'm an elf, and I was born at the beginning of the Third Age." At least that was the background she had made up for Princess Dirtyfishydishiel.

The Maia nodded, noting on a scroll that appeared out of nowhere, 'Margaret Mary Smythe, December 19, 2003 CE (Mod. E.).' "Right," the Maia said, pointing to a suddenly appearing entryway. "Off you go."

As Gretel walked towards the door, she heard the Maia sigh to a companion, "Another twenty-first century girl falls into Middle-earth. Too bad when they fall, they all go 'splat' which sends them here. Welcome to the Halls of Mandos."


"Number seven-hundred eighty-six thousand, five-hundred and two?" a voice asked.

Gretel down at the slip of paper in her hands and then up at the other Maia- the one in charge of this Hall in the Halls of Mandos (Annex 87-R). "Here," Gretel called. Who knew that there were take-a-number machines in Middle-earth? Well in the Halls of Mandos. During the time she had been waiting, discussing her plight with a girl who maintained she was half- hobbit, half-elf, and raised by the Ents (there were Ents in Middle-earth? What were Ents anyway?) by the name of Forsythial Undomiwen, Gretel had come to the conclusion that the Halls of Mandos were indeed Hell. This Mandos person must be Satan, and she was going to die here-if she wasn't dead already. Annex 87-R seemed to be reserved for Modern-girls who fell into Middle-earth, and tried to pull themselves off as actual inhabitants.

The Maia nodded at a newcomer covered in a rather foul smelling cheese. Due to a typo, the girl had fallen into Brie. "Please take a number, someone will be right with you." Time was, of course, relative. "Margaret Mary Smythe?" the Maia asked, looking directly at Gretel.

"Princess Dirtyfishydishiel," Gretel maintained. She had also learned during her wait that people were reborn from the Halls of Mandos, and therefore she had to try her best to get reborn as the Elven princess she had created.

"One and the same," the Maia replied.

Gretel's heart soared.

"As Mandos is incredibly busy with important people, you have been sent here to be judged and reborn. You will be given a task to complete before you will be able to return to your own time. At the moment..." The Maia looked down at a vellum scroll, "You will have to be sent into Alternate Universe number nine-thousand six hundred fifty-eight. Only when you have availed yourself to be the pleasure-slave of one of the fellowship will you be allowed to return to your own time."

Gretel couldn't believe her ears. Alternate Universes? Pleasure-slave of one of the fellowship? Legolas, here I come! she thought.

Before her, another opening emerged. Gretel eagerly rushed towards it, not hearing the Maia call from behind her, "Have fun with Gimli!" With all the bodies falling into Middle-earth these days, the Ainur had to have a sense of humor.