PROLOUGE: THE ORIGINS

It is common knowledge that there were seven fictional dwarfs, namely Crazy, son of Loafer, Dopey, son of Deadbeat, Doc, son of Munchkin, Grumpy, son of Pouty, Angry, son of Elf- Liker, Sleepy, son of Drowsy, and Sleazy, son of Tyrant- Politician. The existence of the eighth dwarf is not commonly known. (Or at least not commonly known in connection with the other seven.) The eighth dwarf was named Santa, son of Claus. (A/N: They will be referred to by their first names from here on.)

Santa, while not named after his vice as in the case of Dopey or Sleazy, was probably the worst of the dwarfs. He was also the most powerful, ruthless, and profit- oriented, as he owned the diamond mine his dwarfish compatriots slaved their lives away in.

As the years went by, Santa's greediness increased. He started many other diamond mines, but still he wanted more. More diamonds, more money, more cheeseburgers, more cola! (A/N: How do you think he got that belly?)

Anyway, in his quest for more profit, Santa found an old map detailing a great supply of diamonds to the west of his current operations. His eyes got very big and fascinated as he read it, and he dreamed of piles and piles of diamonds. The only problem was that it was in the middle of an elf reserve, where elves live in happiness and harmony with trees and nature. Those rotten elves.

Then Santa, good clever dwarf that he was, decided to illegally enter the elf reserve by nightfall and scope it out for a good drilling spot. However, when he did this, the elves, since they have very good pointy ears, heard him, he was shot with an arrow and held for a ransom. Santa didn't mind, really; elfish prisons where actually nicer than normal dwarf quarters. Their only requirement was that he take a bath every day. But, rather than pay the ransom, a loyal army of dwarves headed by his best friends Angry and Sleazy invaded the elf sanctuary, cut down a lot of trees, destroyed much greenery, and saved him. Even though the dwarves were short and clumsy, they were very good fighters, and easily took over the territory belonging to the elves, who had not fought for a few thousand years. So in one fell swoop he was not only rescued, but had acquired new territory. Santa was very happy. He had only one problem: what to do with his elf prisoners?

Then he came upon a wonderful idea. Wonderful to him, anyway. He could use them as slaves! Free, immortal labor for the mines! Life had never been this good.

However, the elves did not appreciate this. They were ill suited to working in mines. They complained all day that their rations were not adequate, their pay was not good enough, they didn't get enough outdoor time, and on top of that, the dust in the mines discolored their perfect blond hair. They wanted to stage a protest. The gall of those pixies, thought Santa. Didn't they know they were slaves?

Apparently they did not. Half the elves went on a hunger strike, and, being a extraordinarily cheap dwarf, Santa's only thought was that he would save 50% on rations. If extraordinarily cheap, he was not extraordinarily intelligent, though, and therefore it came as a surprise when he lost half his workforce. Apparently elf immorality did not cover hunger strikes.

It was then that under the council of Sleazy and Angry that he moved his entire operation north. He only intended to move a few miles up the road, but, since the map was in elfish, and the elf he had read it to him lied, Santa ended up going on a long and arduous journey through frigid wasteland, accompanied by 500 or so complaining elves. Eventually he got sick of their whining about blisters and set up camp in the middle of an area now known as the North Pole.

Because the visibility aboveground was terrible, and because it was his dwarfish instinct, he made the elves dig a deep hole. When he went inside this hole, he found it full of pliable substances adequate for making things, and immediately put up a sign saying 'PROPERTY OF SANTA SON OF CLAUS' and sent his elfish slaves to work. It wasn't diamonds, but it was better than nothing.

Under these conditions, however, the elves and all their children became unnaturally short, and their voices became very high- pitched. Therefore, Santa had to make new uniforms for them. He gave them green clothes, pointy hats and pointy, bell- toed shoes, to match their ears. They complained greatly, but, when you work for a dwarf, you get what's on sale.

After a few hundred years, he ran out of space to keep his trinkets. He had taken a lesson from the dwarves of Moria, and therefore hadn't dug too deep to avoid releasing a Balrog.

Instead, he decided to steal some flying reindeer and give away his extra and defective toys & trinkets to little human children. Human children, he had heard, were always happy to get anything, even the flu or chicken pox.

Santa son of Claus laughed a deep evil belly laugh. He intended for it to come out 'Mwa ha ha ha ha!' (everyone knows only old Romanian Counts can do this properly) but, because of his huge flabby stomach and neck, it sounded more like 'HO HO HO HO HO'- and thus the 'Santa Laugh' (also used by Jabba the Hut in Star Wars) was born.

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Next chapter: Legolas comes across an old history, and finds out that the legend of the kidnapped elves was true. . .