This is my first Xena: Warrior Princess fanfic, and boy am I glad I wrote it. I am in love with these characters and this show! I had to write this because of a song with the same title. I was watching Ally McBeal and when they started singing this, my mind immediately came up with a vague story of Xena and Gabrielle. I haven't finished the series yet, but I've been itching to write something about these wonderful women. I hope you enjoy this story!
I don't know where it began, but I know that she and I belong together. I hate to admit to such sappy and weak feelings, but I cannot deny it. She is the reason I can feel and understand love at all.
For almost three years, Gabrielle and I have traveled together, slept together, fought together, and risked our lives for one another. And I cannot imagine doing this for anyone else. Gabrielle is the reason I fight for the greater good. She brings out the best in me and pushes me to find the goodness in those that I, in the past, would have easily cut open with the swift movement of my sword.
There is no denying that Lao Ma encouraged the first small changes within me. I felt myself open up to a world of love and conscientiousness with her guidance. Lao Ma, as my mentor, taught me forgiveness and self-restraint. As my lover, she taught me patience and kindness that I was not used to. I found a tenderness within that terrified me because the only love I had known sexually was carnal and, quite frankly, beastly. And as she taught me to become a better person, lover, and friend, I truly came to adore her. She was a wondrous woman who, had I given her a chance, I probably would have loved and protected for the rest of my life.
She believed in me too much.
I was still too young and immature to realize that she wanted the best for me. She wanted me to change to find inner peace and understand that there was much more to life than hatred, death, and anger. I simply could not see past her good intentions because my anger and hatred was much too strong for her lightness.
Just as I was losing my way, I found it again through Gabrielle.
The Xena I had known: the warlord who conquered villages, killed anyone and anybody who stood in her way, the woman who never let anyone in –she was beginning to falter. So much death and sadness had fallen on my shoulders and I was so alone. During those last few weeks, when I decided I'd renounce my identity, I saw no purpose to my scheming, plundering ways. Where was this going to take me? I had no end goal. And in those last few weeks, Lao Ma came to mind and I remembered how calm I felt and at peace I was for those few months. That was what I wanted. Because what my life was leading to was isolation, hatred, and emptiness. My warrior princess days were through.
When I inadvertently became a witness to the intended rape, torture, and slaughter of a village, I had no qualms about leaving them as they were. I intended to go on my way and leave my buried identity behind. I wanted nothing to do with the same men I had once taken charge of. They were not my soldiers, but I'm sure that my men did the same things that these soldiers had intended to do. As I was ready to leave I saw a feisty spirit that attempted to fight back, and it sparked a fire in me. A girl no older than I had been when I first took a life, who stood out from the rest, caught my eyes. I quickly went into action and, unknowingly, started a chain of events that I am now happily participating in. After three years, I can finally understand that Gabrielle was my way.
It definitely was not easy during the beginning of our relationship. I'm sure we felt some sort of underlying connection that we both couldn't explain; however, we were still complete strangers trying to figure each other out. Both of us were navigating new lives that we never dreamed possible. I found that I could still be a warrior without the darkness it normally brought me. And this young naïve girl from Potidaea was discovering a world she didn't know about –a world that she hungered to live in.
The first few weeks together, in that moment, were unbearable. Animosity, tough and rough horseplay, an unusual disconnection from those I closely worked and travelled with came naturally to me. Gabrielle was very different for my comfort. I remained quiet, terse and disconnected, but she was friendly, curious, what I perceived as fragile, and very talkative. Ten years younger and very sheltered with no experience at all with combat, I considered her very much a child. One that I needed to watch over and defend constantly. I was her protector. She was the catalyst for a new Xena.
After those unbearable first few weeks passed, after all her ramblings and my strained attempts to keep her at bay, Gabrielle somehow broke through my sturdy brick walls. Like Lao Ma, she was tapping into the tenderness, my kindness, that I had so long ago given up. Maybe the constant talking that came from that girl's mouth broke my resolve. Or the beauty that I was beginning to notice in her –not just the physical but the character and unwavering love that seeped through her pores– made me realize that I really enjoyed having her around. In that moment, I knew that she was a friend that I wanted and needed in my life.
We continued on the same path together, learning more from one another, although I was still reticent. It wasn't until I was wrongfully jailed for the deaths of a few villagers that I realized I could truly trust her. It wasn't until then that I realized I could never hurt her, do wrong by her, or take her for granted. For a few minutes, I slipped back to the darker and evil Xena. I tapped back into the hatred and anger that had blinded me for so long because I wanted what was best for me. I wanted to get the hell out. And when I struck Gabrielle, my blindness forced me back to reality. I had hurt the friend I so wanted and needed in my life. The shock and hurt that played on Gabrielle's features cleared the hatred and anger that festered in me. I knew that I had done wrong and I needed to make amends. When she left, I thought I would never see her again and I had set myself a thousand steps backwards –back to a path I had no way of navigating without her.
But Gabrielle came back for me. She didn't give up on me. She saw the best in me and believed in me during a time I did not. She placed more faith and trust in me than I would have liked to place on myself! Since then, with her by my side, I have grown into a better warrior, person, friend... an all around being. Yes, I have tripped a few times and have done selfish things that should have driven Gabrielle away, but she is too pure a soul. I don't know what it is that keeps her stuck to my side. I can't seem to shake her off. And I don't want to; I am grateful that Gabrielle loves unconditionally.
For her love, I would do anything. We may never completely see eye to eye, but I know that she does her best to understand me, my ways, and I do my best to understand her too. I would die for her love, sacrifice myself for her love, I would kill anyone for her love, and protect her with all my strength for her love. She gives me the will to live and fight for the greater good. She has taught me a new meaning to love, understanding, kindness, and intimacy that no one has ever shown me.
Without Gabrielle, I am an incomplete puzzle that can never be put together. We are each other's missing pieces and without each other, we can never be whole. Gabrielle is my end goal. I want to make her happy, I never wish to forsake her, and I want to completely win her over: physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. She is my soul mate.
For her love, I would do anything.