Disclaimer: I don't own BoJack Horseman!
Title: Shots Shots Shots
Summary: Thankfully, it's only Princess Carolyn, which might not be such a thankful thing if she wasn't clutching a bottle of cherry vodka in one hand and some red bull in the other. "I heard you and the hubby aren't in the best place right now. Wanna do some shots?"
Diane answers the door in only a thin white undershirt and a pair of boxers, too tired emotionally to bother with actual pants. It's the middle of the night, the crickets chirping, and whoever decided it was a good idea to knock on the door before the sun rose might as well get an eyeful of her boobs.
Thankfully, it's only Princess Carolyn, which might not be such a thankful thing if she wasn't clutching a bottle of cherry vodka in one hand and some red bull in the other. "I heard you and the hubby aren't in the best place right now. Wanna do some shots?"
Diane leans on the door frame. It occurs to her that alcohol and depression medication doesn't mix. Then it occurs to her that she hasn't taken any in the past month or so. Well, shit. That'd explain a lot. "Where'd you hear that?"
"Are you kiddin'? I'm a cat. I hear everything."
She moves back, closing the door behind the manager when she walks inside. Mr. Peanutbutter is... somewhere. Diane isn't sure where. She wishes she did, but she doesn't think she can call him after their last conversation. Clearly he wants space, and it's only fair she give him that.
"I know what you're gonna say," Princess Carolyn declares as she sits down on the couch. "That I shouldn't drink while pregnant."
"I was thinking it, but I wasn't gonna say it." Diane has yet to meet anyone who wants a kid more than Princess Carolyn. There's literally no way she'd do anything to harm a pregnancy. "Did... something happen?"
"Something did, indeed, happen." She looks at the vodka and red bull rather than her, mixing them together. "Let's just say it's not the first time."
Diane remembers her manners, at least. "I'm very sorry to hear that."
Princess Carolyn pours her a shot. Diane doesn't even flinch at the flavor. She hates cherry. Nobody on this planet likes cherry with alcohol. It's like medicine, only it gets you tipsy. "One of 'em was BoJack's, believe it or not."
"I believe it. I've heard enough about your relationship to believe it."
Her brow furrows defensively. "And what have you heard of our relationship?"
Diane holds up her hands. "Only that it's a very long-standing one."
"Oh." She drains her shot glass, thudding it on the coffee table like they do in the movies. "I'm almost glad that one didn't work out. I would have loved the kid, no matter who was the father, but I don't think I could've handled BoJack trying to make me get an abortion."
"Understandable," Diane says.
"Sorry," Princess Carolyn says. "It's not like that."
"I wasn't offended. We're two very different women." She pushes her glasses up her nose, mostly out of habit. "Have you considered adoption?"
"Everyone and their mother has, I think."
"Well, if you do decide to, I might be able to help you get started. I have an adopted brother."
The cat sighs, setting her elbows on her knees. "It's just... I know this is gonna sound so stupid, but I wanted to give birth myself. Adoption is a great, wonderful thing, and I'm sure your brother is a good man-"
"He's an ass," she corrected mildly. "But that's not because he's adopted. That's just because my whole family is full of assholes." Diane wasn't excluding herself from that list.
Princess Carolyn grunted to show she'd heard. "But I wanted to do it myself. Childbirth is hell, I know, but I wanted to say 'hey, look at me, world, I just popped a watermelon out of a keyhole'." Her voice grew soft. "I wanted to have that movie moment where they'd bring the baby out to me in a blanket, and I could coo over it. I want a lot of things I don't think my body is capable of." She looked at her. "Sorry, I'm making this all about me."
"Holy crap, don't be." Diane gladly accepted a refill. "I'm more than happy to take a break from the Diane Nguyen shitshow."
"BoJack once told me that he was poison, and that he came from poison, and I can relate to that." She sips this one, though that's literally not how shots work.
Princess Carolyn nodded. "That sounds like something he'd say. He can be pretty melodramatic."
"I have a shitty family, and I'm a shitty person. Hell, my own husband can't do anything for me without me flipping out. He got me a goddamn library, and I can't even be happy about it."
"You've never been one for big overtures," she observes.
"Maybe, but Mr. Peanutbutter is the most extra dog on the planet. We all know that. I married him knowing that."
"This is true."
"He means well, and I fuck him over every single time." Diane smacks her forehead, like that'll fix anything. "But y'know what? If he wants a divorce, I won't fuck him over. I won't. He could take every penny I own, and I'll let him do it with a smile. He deserves that, at least."
"Hmm," Princess Carolyn says, and, yeah, okay, Diane will just have to deal with that. It wouldn't be the first time she's said one thing and done another. She's kind of a hypocrite. "Refill?"
Author's Note: I think this is the second time I've ever written adult show fanfiction? I don't do it very often, is what I mean. But if I don't get this kind of interaction between Princess Carolyn and Diane in-show I absolutely will write it myself, dangit.