I'm not perfect but I'm

This, That, and This

My hands are dirty and I'm

This, That, and This

You've been searching for

This, That, and This

Let's break the surface, girl, and make

a little happy mess.

- Atmosphere, Happy Mess

The last time I kissed Jacob was on the back of the bike he'd rebuilt in his grandfather's garage. Straddling the seat, engine block hot between my thighs, a burn in my belly and a singe to my lips as he braced the front wheel between his knees, leaned over the handlebars, and told me that he loved me.

That bike killed him half an hour later.

A last kiss in a long string of kisses that started in the woods behind my house when we were twelve and ended in that stinky, oil-stained garage when we were nineteen. Plans for college. Plans for rings. Plans for a future that ended on the corner of Washington and Pine, crushed underneath a logging truck that ran the stoplight.

A piece of him lodged in my gut.


Three Things:


Hadley is probably going to kick my ass for this. If I disappear, I'm buried in her backyard.

She's working on bigger, better things for me right now - and doesn't have time for this bullshit.

She's here anyway.

Because she's amazing like that.


This is a total distraction. For you. For her. For me.

We all win.


I wrote ninety percent of this in about six hours, on my phone, not sober - which seems to be when I'm at my best.

Thanks for reading.