Hi guys! I am back with a new story! This story is a parody of the novel "Divorced, Desperate, and Delicious" by Christie Craig. You can find the book on Wattpad and is available on Ebooks. This series may be posted a lot faster than my other ones, just because I have most of it written down already. Anyways, I hope you enjoy!


Chapter One

Detective Meliodas Samuels stared into the nose of a .45 semiautomatic pistol that pressed hard into the side of his head, his mind whirling desperately for a way out of the situation that he has gotten himself into. "Has anyone ever told you that you have anger issues?"

Had it been a low-life thug with his finger on the trigger, which was minutes from going off he assumed, the whole issue may have been easier to handle. But no, that wasn't the case. He was experienced. He forced himself to remain calm as his voice came out as cool as the breeze that whisked past on the high-level bridge. "You should really see someone about that."

Hendrickson Thompson, his partner for the last two months, and who was now holding the weapon against his head, nudged him with the gun. Meliodas bumped harshly into the steel ledge of the old bridge. A good sixty feet below, slow ripples of the lake splashed on the shore and against jagged rocks that peeked above the water surface. He turned his gaze toward the direction of the Chevrolet Suburban parked a half block down the street, which had brought him here to his death door. Smooth jazz blared from the stereo speakers from inside. 'Great, just the music I wanted to hear before I go down' Meliodas though sarcastically.

Dreyfus, the driver, known street dealer, and all about bad guy, leaned against the passenger door of the car, his eyes closed as his head bobbed up and down slightly to the music.

Meliodas signaled toward Dreyfus, hoping to buy a few more minutes to think of how to get his ass out of this jam. "Interesting choice of Jazz, is that 'Round Midnight'? Didn't know you had a taste for that."

Dreyfus didn't even acknowledge him.

"Where's the damn book?" Hendrickson growled out, bringing Meliodas' attention back to him. His icy blue stare bore deep into his emerald with such hatred he didn't even think was possible.

'What book?' Meliodas thought to himself, mentally storing that question to be answered at another time. He continued his stalling, "Now you're gritting your teeth. That's another sign of rage issues."

The barrel pressed harder against his temple at his comment. Panic began to coil in the pit of his stomach as he inhaled deeply into his nose. No doubt he was writing out his death wish with his statements, but he didn't have time to analyze it. Nor would he let Hendrickson have the pleasure of seeing his fear.

Hendrickson's nostrils flared as his eyes narrowed even more. "Wanting to die is one thing, but you disappoint me, Meliodas. I thought you'd at least care about your fellow officer, Zeldris. He is your brother, after all." He said.

"He ate my last jelly-filled donut last week," Meliodas shrugged off, keeping up his cool façade, but on the inside...If Zeldris was really dead, he had a wife and two kids who would grow up without a father, thanks to Hendrickson. "And he knows how much I love those donuts." It took all of his strength not to just go for Hendrickson's neck, rip out his vocal cords, and tie them in a bow around his damn neck. However, he held back. he knew Hendrickson wanted him to lose control and make a foolish mistake so he could find a reason to pull the trigger.

Meliodas, on the other hand, just needed a few seconds to make sure the move he made wouldn't cost him his life. He needed a plan that didn't involve the lake below, a bullet, or another confrontation with Dreyfus. The older man had given him a few rough blows to the ribs while forcing him into the car earlier. What Meliodas needed was to reach the gun Dreyfus had overlooked while searching him, the one strapped to his ankle.

Hendrickson sneered, "You know what they will say, you were just another Britannia cop gone bad. Lost your wife and your sense of justice. And I'll be the one who takes you down after I saw you kill Zeldris, of course, I'll be devastated."

"Do you grind your teeth at night, too?" Meliodas spoke once more, the sensation of acid burning in his stomach becoming more harder to bear. "That's bad for your over-bite."

"You think you're funny, huh?" Hendrickson spat, jamming the muzzle of the gun into Meliodas' cheek. "Laugh all you want, but I already have all of this planned out. After an anonymous tip, the captain found that missing New Generation drug under your bed. I was told by IA to bring you in. Such a shame that you had to turn on me and I had to shoot you." Hendrickson's lips thinned and a slow smirk formed on his lips, "I can make this easy or difficult. What do you prefer? I let Zeldris go out fast. One bullet to the heart was all it took."

Meliodas resisted the urge to turn around and punch the man as he held out his hands, hoping his rage didn't cause them to tremble. "Can you give me a second? I'd just hate to make a spur-of-the-moment decision."

A glint of anger flared in his partner's eyes. Time had ran out.

Meliodas knocked Hendrickson's hand to the right as the gun fired, the bullet shattering one of the Chevrolet's headlights. Dreyfus' head bobbing had stopped as he stared at he damage in shock before it quickly turned into anger. "My car!" He yelled as he turned toward the direction of the two struggling men and began to run toward them.

Meliodas slammed Hendrickson's wrist into the bridge's steel rail, causing the man to hiss out a pained curse and effectively causing him to drop the gun. Seeing the pistol hit the pavement brought a wave of relief to Meliodas momentarily, until he saw Dreyfus digging into the pocket of his pants. The guy either had a serious crotch itch or his own gun. He had a feeling it was the gun.

Without any time to reach his own weapon, Meliodas shoved Hendrickson down and took his only way out; not one he was especially jolly about either. With his last few seconds, he dove off the bridge, feeling the hot, searing pain of a bullet exploding through his shoulder as he pummeled into the water below.


"Mother, I'm standing here in nothing but a towel and I absolutely refuse to discuss my sex life with you!" Elizabeth Liones' grip on the black phone tightened as she spoke. Why did she even answer the call? She should've expected this when she heard her voice. She could still be neck-deep in jasmine scented bubbles, drowning away her frustrations and watching Beauty and the Beast on her tub's DVD player, ogling Prince Adam.

"We're not discussing your sex life, you don't have one." Her mother, Caroline, said, her tone a mix of snide and humor.

"I'm not talking about this." Elizabeth said once more, glancing at the flat screen sixty-inch television left on for the cats' entertainment that was mounted onto her wall. While the TV remained mute, a reporter stood in front of the local police department and a picture of a man's face, not rather unpleasant if she might add, took up half the screen. The words 'Armed and Dangerous' flashed beneath the picture in big, bold letters. Elizabeth started to turn up the volume with the remote in her other hand just as she heard frantic barking in the backyard.

"It's not natural!" Her mother argued.

'Neither is talking to your daughter about her sex life.' Elizabeth thought bitterly, but she attempted to steer the conversation into a new direction. "I got a post card from Gigi yesterday." She said as she shifted her towel higher over her breasts and peered out the window at the cloudy February day. The song "Grandma Got Ran Over by a Reindeer" played faintly over her home sound system.

Pressing her nose against the cold glass, she spotted the Poodle-Boston Terrier mix running in circles by the shed. "Mom, Hawk is having a fit in the backyard. I should go see what he's fussing over. It could be another raccoon."

"It's probably a stray cat. And you absolutely cannot adopt another one. You know what they say about a woman with more than three cats."

"What do they say?" Elizabeth asked disinterested, but she jumped at the change of subject. Walking to her back door, she pulled at the knob and grunted when she realized the deadbolt was locked and her keys were in her purse. Huffing exasperatedly, she dropped to her hands and knees and slapped open the doggy door. "Hawk, come here!"

Her mother's high-pitched voice continued to carry through the line, "Any woman with more than three cats is surely to be destined to become a old maid. The fact that you named that mutt 'Hawk' is proof that you a man in your life."

"I can't be an old maid, Mother. I'm divorced, remember?" 'Just like you. Like I promised myself I would never be.' Elizabeth quickly discarded that thought from her mind and poked her head out the doggy door. The cold, rain drizzled wind whipped her bangs around as she squinted her eyes to see. "Hawk, come to Mama!" The dog, his Velcro reindeer horns sagging off his head, glanced at her momentarily before continuing to howl and run in quick circles. Whatever he found, pride echoed in his bark.

Elizabeth nudged the phone between her ear and shoulder as her mother said, "Of course, I remember. Why do you think I'm calling you? I know how hard ex-anniversaries are to take."

Elizabeth began to back up, wishing she could reverse time as well. Five minutes back she would have never answered the phone. Five days back and she would have never agreed to do the Christmas card photo shoot for the local Pet Magazine Group. Five years back and she would have never married Arthur Pendragon.

Finally pulling her head out of the doggy door, she plopped down on the hardwood floor, the feeling cold against her naked rear. "Mom, can I call you back later?" 'Maybe in a couple of years?'

However, her mother kept talking, like she always does. "It usually takes me about a month to bounce back. And at best-"

"With seven ex-anniversaries, that means you're depressed half of the year. Why, it barely gives you the time to hunt down your next victim- I mean, husband." Elizabeth cut off, then frowned realizing her comment would bring unwanted repercussions. Her mother's "Divorce Record" had sensitive subject written all over it, but so did Elizabeth's no-sex life.

"Don't get cute with me, Ellie!" her mother snapped, her voice booming through Elizabeth's ear, causing her to wince away from the phone slightly. "Are you doing a Christmas shoot? Are all photographers weird? Tell me you didn't put up a tree this time. Why couldn't you be something normal? Gina's daughter works at Wal-Mart, and she even has a sex life!"

Elizabeth could feel her head throb slightly at the mountain of questions being thrown at her, but she didn't acknowledge any of them. "I'll make sure to put my application in tomorrow. Sex seems like a good company benefit." Elizabeth glanced down the hallway where the reflection of Christmas lights glimmered against the wall. It was a prop, and the candles and music...it put her in the spirit that had long since passed. "Do you ask about everyone's sex life?"

"Oh heavens, no! It just so happens to be that she's pregnant." Her mother's voice, mixed with another wave of Hawk's come-see-what-I-found barking.

"Mother, Hawk needs me. I have to go, love you." Elizabeth said, thankful for her phone call coming to an end.

"Don't you dare hang up on me, young lady! I'm not-"

Elizabeth hung up, risking her mother's wrath for another time. Caroline Liones, mother to one, a divorcee to seven and counting, considered hanging up on her an act of some federal offense. She had left a few of her ex-husbands for that exact reason. Without a doubt, Elizabeth would pay the price later, but right now she had other things to worry about. A yelping pooch, her naked cheeks that were sending an uncomfortable chill up her body, and today was her fifth wedding anniversary. Or would have been, if seventeen months ago Arthur hadn't decided to play Pin the Secretary to the Office Desk.

Standing up to her feet, she tossed the phone on the black recliner in her living room. The chair, equipped with a massager, heating pad, and a mini cooler, had been the only thing she had fought over with Arthur in court. She was determined to keep it, however, not because she liked it, but because Wandle, Cath, and Oslo did.

She glanced up just as Wandle, her red tabby, sashayed into the room. His Santa hat cocked over one ear reminded Elizabeth that she still needed to finish the shoot. She would have been done and over with it by now if Cath had not gone on modeling strike and hid under the bed, causing Elizabeth to rid of her frustrations in the tub.

Wandle balanced on his hind legs to reach the cushion of the recliner, causing the stiff, white ball on his hat to dangle behind his head. He stared at the phone in his chair and turned his accusing green gaze to her.

"Sorry." Elizabeth said, walking over to grab the phone and scratched the cat under his chin, which she received an appreciative purr.

Hawk's ear-bleeding bark drew Elizabeth's attention once more. She dropped her towel and the phone onto a different chair. Bare, she hurried around the coffee table to her couch, where multiple gift bags sat that she had never gotten around to opening, only peeking in. She opened one of the bags and pulled out an over-sized white T-shirt, the words 'Divorced, Desperate, and Delicious' written in bold words on the front. It was a gift for Valentines from her friend, Diane.

After attiring the snow-white colored shirt, she grabbed her keys from out of her purse that sat on the coffee table, unlocked the back door, and made her way to rescue Hawk's newest victim. Probably another large cockroach, Hawk took pride in his roach hunting. And at their prizes, there was no surprise why he was.


Dreyfus heaved in a desperate breath before saying, "You don't think I killed him, do you?"

Hendrickson gritted his teeth in annoyance as he stared out at the bank of the lake. They had walked for almost an hour and found nothing. There was nothing in sight-no body. He tightened his hand into a fist, wanting to hit something. Meliodas Samuels to be exact.

"He's not here," Dreyfus continued, looking up at some migrating birds as they flew over head, "The fall could have killed him. Possibly hit his head on a rock. I don't think my bullet got to him, though. Like I've told you multiple times, I don't mind wounding someone, but I don't kill. Especially cops."

"Then where's his damn body?!" Hendrickson spat out, his growing rage getting harder to control.

"Could have gotten caught on the bottom by a rock."

Hendrickson dragged his trembling fingers through his platinum hair and growled out, "No! Meliodas is one lucky son of a bitch. He made it out alive, and damn it if he didn't get away."

"But he's still not here," Dreyfus said again, "And he's most likely wounded. How far could he have possibly gotten?"

Hendrickson stared down one side of the lake then dragged his gaze to the other side. Meliodas could easily take him down, he couldn't let that happen. He only had the upper hand because of his gun. Otherwise, he could've been done for. "We have to find him. He has to die, and he has to die today."


Well, what do you guys think? :D Please leave a review, it would be very much appreciated, and don't be afraid to tell me anything I should fix, or work on.