Just A Pile Of Skits

Disclaimer: All characters belong to Tolkien, we all know that. Other people have probably made these jokes before but, hey.

Author's Notes: Um, yeah. Like these need explaining. Just stuff that made me laugh when I thought of them. I hope you do too.


Frodo looked up in terror as the orcs walked towards him. They were tall and hideous, and dressed in suits and bowties. Somehow, in his befuddled state, the hobbit noticed that they were carrying violin cases.

"Oh no," he cried, "gangster orcs!"

The orcs glared at him, seemingly offended. One straightened his bowtie huffily.

"We're not gangsters," it said, "we're musicians."

"What?" Frodo gave a confused look. "Musicians?"

"Yeah," another orc put in, "we're the ORC-hestra."


Aragorn and Gimli crept out of the fortress of Helm's Deep, via the hidden door. A wide gap was between where they stood and the ramp to the gates. Gimli looked at it uneasily and turned to Aragorn.

"You'll have to toss me," he growled.

"What?" Aragorn stared at him. That could be so badly interpreted, he thought.

"I said, toss me," the dwarf repeated, "but don't tell the elf!"

"Why not?" Aragorn asked, raising an eyebrow. "Will he get jealous?"


Aragorn stumbled wearily up the stairway in Helm's Deep. That fall down the cliff had been painful. Legolas stood waiting outside the hall doors.

"You're late," he said in Elvish, and then switching to the Common Tongue, "you look terrible."

The man smiled, but Legolas continued.

"I mean, just look at your hair. Oh, and the beard. Beards are just so Second Age, you know, and brown just isn't your colour-."


'Oh Mr. Frodo, that's hard!' said Sam shivering.

(Okay, that's just a book quote that should have been in the film. It comes just after Frodo pulls Sam out of the lake at the end of FOTR.)


The thumping of the orcs' feet reached Aragorn and Legolas as they stood on the battlements of Helm's Deep. Legolas peered out into the darkness.

"Tell me what you see," Aragorn said.

"A multitude of orcs, all banging their long poles on the ground. Now they're knocking them against their neighbours'."

"Then it is as I feared," said the man, looking worried.

"Yes," the elf replied, "Saruman has sent orc morris dancers."


Saruman stood with his hand paused mystically over the palantir. Strange fires flickered and danced inside its glassy depths.

"Oh, Sauron," the wizard intoned, "do you hear me, oh dark lord?"

There were a few moments of evil magical effects, then Saruman frowned.

"Damn," he muttered to no one in particular, "engaged tone."


Saruman stood again by the palantir, hand raised rather camply.

"Do you hear me, Sauron?" he intoned.

"Yes," the evil one replied, "sorry if you couldn't get through before. I was looking at some porn."

Saruman's jaw dropped.

"Um, forgive me for asking, but how does a disembodied spirit look at porn?"

"With my big red eye of course."


Frodo peered into the mirror of Galadriel. The waters cleared, wiping away the reflection of the stars. He saw a figure with his back to him. The figure turned, and Frodo saw that it was Legolas. The waters held the image, and held it, and held it.

"It seems to have got stuck," the hobbit complained. Galadriel looked over.

"Drat! It's still on my spy channel." She tapped the side of the dish and the image vanished.

"Your spy channel?" Frodo asked innocently.

"I was not watching him," Galadriel said, giving the hobbit an evil look.


(This is kind of from the appendices of ROTK)

Aragorn walked through the woods of Imladris, admiring the trees, when he saw Arwen in a clearing.

"She's nice," he muttered to himself. Going over, he straightened his tunic and prepared to use his best chat up line.

"'Ello, pretty lady," he nudged her in the ribs, "my name's Aragorn and I'm the," he winked at her, "heir of Isildur. Is that Narsil in my pocket or am I just pleased to see you?"


That's all I've got at the moment. There may be more, if you enjoy them.