I own no one! I don't own anything to do with this story apart from the computer I wrote it on, which Bill Gates will probably claim as his. So I own nothing, NOTHING!!!!!! Ok, I have issues. Wait! I think I own the idea. Woo hoo!

Ok I'm mad. Please enjoy and review.


It was spring in Ankh-Morpork. In most places this would be the time for love, but in Ankh-Morpork, the chances of love in the air are about as high as a dwarf. There were of course some loving couples around but they tended to be inside.

His Grace His Excellency the Duke of Ankh, Commander Sir Samuel Vimes was on his usual patrol of the city. He wasn't really looking where he was going, occasionally he would glance around, but his feet and the cardboard boots were doing all the work. The different cobbles in each street were guiding the duke's feet to where he intended to go.

Commander Vimes, who would only be called that or Sir Vimes, never any of his other titles was well known in this city. He had started out as a drunk Captain who ran a watch that had 3 members, including him. Since then he has unwillingly climbed the social ladder and given up drinking. Vimes wasn't an ugly man, but he wasn't the best-looking man either. He was somewhere in between and appreciated it. The last thing he wanted was an admirer; he had his wife and was happy. Vimes was a tallish man, but not to tall. His face was rugged through years of wear on the street.

Out of the corner of his eye he spotted C.M.O.T Dibbler selling a sausage-inna-bun [1] to an unsuspecting new comer to the city. How did Vimes know the person was a new comer? Well she still had all her jewellery and a thief was standing around a corner with his licence ready. Vimes ignored this, what's the point in getting involved when the thieves aren't breaking any laws?

As he carried on walking Foul Ole Ron caught his eye. He was selling the latest copy of The Times. Vimes grudgingly went over to get him self one.

William de Worde had a habit of knowing things before Vimes did, he didn't like this, Vimes wanted to be first to know what was going wrong in his city. And there was always something wrong in Ankh-Morpork.

With the paper firmly under his arm Vimes headed back to the watch house dreading the paperwork that he knew was sitting on his desk. It had shrunk considerably when a gust of wind from an open window had blown it into the fireplace this morning. But Carrot was having a hard time understanding how the wind had opened the window, blown the paper towards the window, which the fireplace was under, and lit the fire, as it was a fairly warm day with no need for a fire and not even a breeze around, let alone a strong gust.

As Vimes walked through the door of the watch house he was suddenly told to duck. When I say told I mean he received a desperate cry from the other side of the room from what sounded like Angua and Cheery in unison. So he did as they said and heard a noise above his head, a noise that sounded like something coming in at great speed and lodging it's self in the door. He found out by looking up that it was an over sized arrow.

"Sorry sir. I was trying out a new weapon for Sergeant Detritus but it exploded." Corporal Cheery Littlebottom said as she rushed over. Cheery's history in the Alchemists Guild had provided her with the skills to blow anything up at any time for no reason, but she tried not to.

"Are you ok sir?" Sergeant Angua said walking over calmly. Angua's long hair had dust all over it, presumably from the explosion.

"Yes I'm fine." Vimes dusted himself off and looked at Cheery who was jumping up trying to get the arrow out of the door with out much luck. Being a dwarf gave her a disadvantage, the arrow had landed where Vimes' head would have been and it was a bit too high for her.

"Is that the paper sir?" Angua asked while pulling the arrow out of the door and handing it to Cheery who gratefully took it and rushed back to her laboratory.

"Yes, would you like to read it?" Everyone knew that Angua loved to read the new Agony Aunt section, it made her feel good about her self. Being a werewolf and a female while dealing with a boyfriend who was, well, simple and believes 'personal isn't the same as important' sometimes brought her down, but reading about zombie's who lost their minds, literally and dwarfs who weren't sure if the other dwarf they fancied was male or female, kind of made her feel good.

"Thank you sir." Angua took the paper and sat in a corner reading it.

From outside there was a muffled noise, with a keener ear Vimes would have heard that it was Colon telling Nobby a story about whatever he had seen earlier that day. Everyone knew that once Colon started he was almost impossible to stop when it came to his extremely over exaggerated stories, but Nobby really looked up to Colon's stories and believed any thing he said. Unfortunately Vimes wasn't really paying attention, he was getting over the near death experience with the arrow and trying to convince himself he hadn't seen Death standing in the corner with a hopeful glint in his sockets.

Sergeant Colon, followed by Corporal Nobbs, threw open the door, hitting Vimes with the offending object. Nobby's dog-end fell out of his mouth in shock at seeing the Commander sprawled out on the floor while Colon ripped off a salute, hoping it would make the situation better. Vimes slowly stood up, unknowingly giving Nobby time to hide. Nobby was very short and very sneaky, his history in the war [2] helped him there.

"Sorry Sir. We didn't know you were there." Sergeant Colon said, still saluting.

Sergeant Fred Colon was a stereotypical English policeman. He had short hair and a large stomach.

"We? That would imply there was more than one person walking in." If you looked closely you could see Colon starting to sweat ever so slightly. While Nobby tried to push himself even further in the shadows. To the surprise of everyone in the room, Vimes turned calmly away and started to walk towards the stairs leading to his office. He stopped to light a cigar; he put it in his mouth and blew out a smoke ring. As if having a sudden second thought, even through everyone knew it was planned, he shouted, without turning round for Colon and Nobbs to come up to his office in 5 minutes. And he said 'please'.

Colon stood still for a while after he heard Vimes slam his door shut. Nobby was getting a coffee for himself and his taller, chubbier partner. After 10 more seconds waving the coffee under Fred's nose he finally moved.

"Uh Oh." Fred let his stomach, which he was holding in during the salute, sag back out. "What do you think he'll do to us?"

"Nothin more than normal I suppose." Nobby drunk his coffee and scowled at the fowl taste. Constable Reg Shoe, the zombie, winced at the site of Nobby's scowl.

Nobby was not the most good looking human around, in fact there was speculation as to whether he was human at all, Nobby has often been mistaken for a monkey. But if anyone questioned him he would proudly show the questioner a certificate signed by the Patrician that said he was human. His appearance is of a Picasso painting gone wrong. His skin held every possible colour that skin could be, and probably some that it couldn't. While his nose was the prominent feature on his face, it was red and stuck out. He was unshaven with stubble [3] and greasy hair that was long enough to have not been touched for years, but short enough to say that maybe he had tried to do something with it during his career in the Watch, probably during his time in a dress [4].

Anyway, the sight of Nobby's scowl made a zombie wince, that has to give you an idea of the horror there is in that simple facial expression. To take his mind off of that awful sight, Reg turned his attention to Angua.

"Anything good in the paper?" Reg turned round a little to fast and hit his left hand on a cupboard. Most people would have complained at the pain, but Reg wasn't most people. Instead the only thing Reg complained about was the fact that he had only just sewn his left hand back on that morning after an unfortunate run in with a dog.

"The normal, but they've got a new agony aunt and she's really…interesting." Angua looked up at Reg, he was sewing his hand on with the thread and needle he always carried. She could smell the fact that he was listening, don't ask what it smells like only werewolves know. Angua carried on reading then suddenly burst out laughing, most of the watch turned to look at her.

"Sorry, but this letter…it's very…familiar." She heard Reg cursing his thread as it broke mid stitch followed by a suggestion to read it out loud.


                        Dear Aunt Agony,

I'm a workingman who works very late hours.

I have a wife and I'm worried she thinks I'm

Avoiding her. I love my wife even if I don't

Say it enough but my job is so time consuming

That I get home at 1 o'clock in the morning,

Sometimes later. I can't alter my job, it's too

Important to others and me. What should I do?

Now is it just me or does that sound like a certain Duke?" Angua asked after reading the letter.

"You don't honestly think he would write to the Agony aunt section? He hates the paper." Colon said hoping Vimes could hear him. Every ounce of fat on Colon's body was scared of Vimes when he was in this mood. This mood was the quiet psychopath who would sit calmly and then burst. The last officer who had got on Vimes' bad side when he was in one of these moods was now hiding in the deepest darkest corner of the Shades, refusing to come out in-case Vimes was around somewhere. Acting-Constable Morgavi is still on the pay role but hasn't come to collect his pay since 'the incident'. Nobby has claimed to be taking the pay to Morgavi personally, but whether you believe that or not is up to you.

Unfortunately Vimes may be able to do many things but listen through floors was not one of them. Especially when he was doing paperwork while precariously holding a lit match over his in tray, or the mess of paper that was covering the in tray. There was so much of it that Wee Mad Arthur could have climbed it and claimed it Mt. Intray in the name of the Patrician. Not that Wee Mad Arthur was the type to climb mountains, he stuck with catching rats.

"Yeah he hates it, but who would suspect it was him, almost everyone in the city knows he hates it." Reg said putting his needle away. "What did she reply?"

"                                  Dear Overworked.

                                    Surly you ain't the only person working there.

                                    You could take a day off, let someone else do

                                    The work. I bet theres someone the who loves the

                                    Work, give it to 'im. Your wife'll appreciate it. Buy 'er

                                    Some flowers and stay at home one day to help her out

                                    With whatever she does all day. And leave your

                                    Paper work at the office, quit takin it home!"

Everyone sat thinking about this for a while. Then Angua spoke up.

"Freaky, it sounds like this person knows who the letters from."

"Do anyone know who she is?" Sergeant Detritus asked.

"Nope, she just calls herself Aunt Agony." Angua replied.

After some discussion into who this mystery Aunt was there was a shout and stamp from upstairs. That was Nobby and Fred's cue to bravely leave the safety of downstairs and enter the potential lions cage. Some of the jokier members of the Watch gave them a final salute as they walked past. These recruits hadn't faced Vimes and didn't know this was no joking matter.

There were muffled shouts heard from upstairs and 10 minutes later the victims scuffled down the stairs. Fred looked rather glum and went over to the desk and picked up a piece of paper and a pen. Nobby on the other hand waited until Fred sat down and then put on a smile and all but skipped over to Angua.

"What happened?" She asked, not smelling any fear on Nobby made her suspicious.

"Not much, we've had some pay docked and lost our time off for the next month, don't bother me." Nobby sat on the bench next to her with his feet not touching the ground.

"What's Fred doing?" Angua put the paper down.

"He had plans with the missus for his next day off, he's gotta write a note to call it off." Nobby picked up the abandoned paper and started to look through it absentmindedly.

"I sometimes wonder if Sir has a heart, did he know about Fred's plans?"

"Yeah he knew. He do have a heart, but he leaves it at home with his missus." He turned the page, "Besides, Sir was spare before we conked him with the door. Haha, look, another humorously shaped vegetable." They heard Fred sigh from the desk as he threw a scrunched up piece of paper to the side and picked up another one.

"Why was he spare?" Angua asked looking at the vegetable article.

"I don't know, maybe he didn't like the advice he got from Aunt Agony. Unless you've been eating Lady Ramkin's dragons. [5]" He put the paper down.

"That was Morgavi, you know I don't eat meat." She looked hurt. When Angua did eat meat it was when she was in wolf form, and in very desperate measures. Nobby realised what he'd said and realised that feeling hurt could lead to being angry for a werewolf.

"Sorry I didn't mean it." And now it was time to change the subject, "Did you come up with any names for the Agony Aunt?"

"Nah. It's probably some witch who moved here."

"Could be a wizard?" Nobby suggested with a knowing smirk that Angua didn't notice.

"No, it's defiantly a female. Men can't give that kind of advise. There was this heart broken woman and this Aunt gave some brilliant advice." Angua suddenly stood up and walked over to the door, stopping in front of it. About 2 seconds later Captain Carrot walked in. She greeted him with a hug and he greeted her with a smile.

"You got any idea Washpot?" Nobby asked Constable Visit who had just sat down.

"On what? I have a good idea of Omnia, you know…" Constable Visit was a religious man, he was an Omnian who would always try to get others to join his religion, and his full name was Visit-The-Infidel-With-Explanatory-Pamphlets.

"No no no. On who the Agony Aunt is." Nobby was not going to be given a pamphlet; he was not the religious type.

"Oh, that. No, but if you read this pam…" Nobby jumped off the bench.

"Well would you look at the time, got to go!" He scurried over to see Fred who was looking glum, and defiantly not handing out pamphlets. Visit turned his attention to Dorfl the golem; he was willing to take the pamphlets.

Fred Colon was mumbling to himself. Nobby stood in silence listening to him for 2 minutes before he was noticed. But thinking about it, and considering Nobby's height, that was probably normal when he stood in front of the desk in silence. Most would acknowledge him by the smell but Colon had become accustomed to it.

"Hows the letter going Fred?" Fred stopped mumbling and looked at his smelly friend.

"Not good. We had big plans, s' the first and last time she'll have of this year." He sighed again. "I don't know what to do."

"You could write to the Agony Aunt, Angua thinks she's pretty good." Nobby suggested.

"Nah, I don't like the idea of anonymous letters. Even though I know who she is." Fred tapped his nose knowingly.

"Really? Who?" Nobby suddenly stood up to his full height, which to be honest wasn't a lot higher than before.

"Promise you won't tell?"


Fred's voice lowered to a whisper. "Sergeant Angua." Nobby looked thoughtful. "Think about it, the agony aunt seems to know who her letters are from, Angua could smell who it was."

"Yeah, I suppose it makes sense."

Samuel Vimes can down from his office, he appeared to have calmed off.

"Good morning Sir!" The cheery voice of Carrot said.

"Can you prove that?" grumbled Vimes as he made himself some so-called coffee.

"Sorry Sir?" Carrot replied. Vimes took a sip of the 'coffee' and threw it back.

"Who's been buying coffee from Dibbler again!!!?" Samuel shouted. Fred started sweating again and was about to speak up and admit it when Vimes spoke again.

"Oh forget it, just don't do it again!" He stalked around the room. "Where's the paper?" Constable Visit, cautiously, walked over with the paper. For the next 5 minutes there was general uncomfortable murmurs as Vimes read the paper. If anyone checked they would have seen Vimes reading the Agony Aunt section while trying to hide it. But alas, no one noticed.

"Alright everyone, shouldn't you be on patrol?" Some ran out of the building, some walked calmly, but everyone left. "Carrot. Can I have a word?"

"Yes Sir." Captain Carrot walked over smartly.

"I'm going to go home. There's a pile of paper work upstairs, why don't you have a nice relaxing day in the office?" Vimes casually threw the paper behind him.

"Yes Sir. Do you want to take any of it home?" Carrot politely asked.

"No, I think I'll leave it all here."

"But sir you always…"

"Not this time Captain. Do you know where I can buy some flowers?"

"There's a small shop down Cable Street that sells them." Carrot was about to ask what was going on, but Vimes had swiftly turned on his heels and was heading out.

"Thank you Captain. Your in charge for today."

Vimes was gone and Carrot was confused. He shrugged and headed up stairs. Out of the shadows a grimy little figure stepped out with a grin on his face.

So it turned out not everyone left. The grimy figure thought quietly to himself.

'So my advise works. Maybe I should tell him who gave the advice, he might thank me? Nah, it more fun this way.'

And with that, the grimy little Aunt Agony walked out into the streets of Ankh Morpork, taking a dogend from behind his ear, ready to take out any criminal with the steel caps of his boot, while thinking about the latest letter he had received about a business man who is always trying new ways of making money but never seems to do very well, even if he is cutting his own throat.

[1] If you were lucky you might get some form of meat in the bun, but chances are you won't.

[2] Nobby's part in the war was hanging around until the fighting was over and robbing the bodies of not only the enemy but also his former comrades. If he could hide from a whole war while being in the middle of it then he may have a chance to hide from Commander Vimes.

[3] One theory I came up with is that he is going for designer stubble, but failing miserably.

[4] Read 'Jingo' for a full explanation because I'm too damn lazy to type one up.

[5] See chapter 2, 'Morgavi's story.'