The Fates Have A Twisted Sense of Humor

By ArtikGato

Disclaimer: I don't own Yu Yu Hakusho. When I rule the world, however...

Author's Notes: I have no idea where this one came from. I wanted to write a Hiei x Botan fic, but I didn't figure I'd end up writing a Hiei x Botan lemon fic. Yup, I've had a few too many popsicles!! Well, beware for obviously lemon material, cussing, ect.




            "By who?"

            "Yukina my love, I will save you!!"

            Kuwabara promptly ran out of the door of Koenma's office in the Spirit World, leaving four confused people behind. Koenma sat at his desk, Yusuke stood in front of it, Kurama leaned against a wall nearby, and Botan was hovering on her oar beside Koenma's desk.

            "Do you think he knows the way out?" Yusuke asked, as Kuwabara ran through the door and out into the utter chaos of ogres and ferrygirls.

            "Never mind about that. We have to think of something-" Koenma started. Kurama, who had been silent until now, spoke up.

            "What are we going to do about Hiei?" he asked.

            "I was just getting to that. The good news is that he doesn't know yet. The bad news is that we're going to have to distract him...somehow," Koenma replied.

            "I can distract him," Kurama offered, thinking that he would have to go buy about ten gallons of ice cream. Koenma shook his head.

            "No. The demons holding Yukina hostage are far too strong to send just Yusuke and Kuwabara like the last time she was kidnapped,"

            "So...why do we have to distract Hiei? He would probably be a big help," Yusuke asked.

            "There is a human with the demons. A powerful human. The thing is, there is a demon that looks almost exactly like him, and as you know, demons are forbidden to kill humans," Koenma informed them.

            "But why can Kurama come along?" Yusuke asked, confused.

            "Kurama can handle the ones that are obviously demons, while you two can handle the ones that could be human," Koenma replied.

            "But why can't Hiei come along and just help Kurama?" Yusuke inquired. This time, Kurama answered.

            "You know Hiei. He would probably just get fed up and 'Black Dragon' the lot of them," the fox demon replied.

            "That's true," Yusuke said. Koenma cleared his throat.

            "Exactly. But someone has to go distract him so that doesn't happen," he said.

            "So, it has to be someone that doesn't have to fight..." Yusuke started.

            "Someone that can track him down easily..." Kurama continued.

            "And someone who can get to him quickly." Koenma finished. All eyes fell on the blue haired girl on the other side of the room. She blinked at them.

            "You want me to distract him?!" she demanded.

            "Well, you aren't needed for the fight..." Kurama said.

            "Neither is Koenma!!" she protested.

            "Yes, but I have more important things to do than subdue demons. I am ruler of the Spirit World, you know," Koenma explained.

            "But..." Botan started.    

            "You can track him down pretty easily, and how fast can you fly on that oar? 100 miles per hour?" Yusuke asked.

            "I refuse!!" Botan exclaimed.

            "You don't have a choice!!" Yusuke yelled. They glared at eachother.

            "Botan, I order you to, as ruler of the Spirit World," Koenma said. She looked at him in shock. She glared at him, but nodded.

            "Yes, sir," she said, unenthusiastically. She turned and flew out of the room, muttering curses under her breath. Yusuke and Kurama stared after her, surprised.

            "She's sure mad," Yusuke stated the blatantly obvious.

            "I almost feel sorry for Hiei," Kurama said.

            "Her orders were to distract him by any means possible. I hope that doesn't include killing?" Yusuke asked.

            "I doubt she could kill Hiei. Mortally wound, yes," Koenma reassured them.

            Botan was so mad that she didn't even notice Kuwabara as she flew past him, hopelessly lost in the maze that was the palace of the Spirit World.

            "Hey!! Wait up!! How do you get out of here?!" he yelled after her, but she turned a corner and was gone. A few minutes later, Kurama and Yusuke ran up.

            "There you are, Kuwabara!" Kurama exclaimed.

            "Did you know that this tunnel leads to hell?" Yusuke asked. Kuwabara shrieked in surprise, and looked back at the corner Botan had just rounded.

            "That means Botan was headed into hell!! I have to go save her!!" he exclaimed, and ran in the direction Botan had flown.

            "I was just joking moron!!" Yusuke exclaimed, and he and Kurama ran after Kuwabara.

            "Now, where could Hiei be?" Botan asked herself as she floated over Tokyo on her oar. Using her trusty demon compass, she soon found him, sleeping lazily in a tree.

            "Finally! There you are, Hiei!" she exclaimed, swooping down to float beside him. He sat up and glared at her in annoyance. She pretended not to notice, still smiling cheerily.

            "What brings you here? Another mission from Koenma?" he asked.

            "Well...:" she started. Koenma had said that she had to distract him, he just hadn't said how. And that...was a problem. "Yes!! A....really REALLY big and ugly demon has appeared...North of here!!" Botan lied. Well, it was a distraction for him...

            "Just one demon?" Hiei asked, arching his eyebrow.

            "!! There are like ten or twenty! And they're eating the souls of humans in the area!! We have to leave right now!!" Botan exclaimed and, before Hiei could protest or ask another question, she had pulled him onto her oar and zoomed off.

            "I hope you know that we're going east," Hiei said as they took off. Botan blushed in embarrassment.

            "I knew that!" she exclaimed, adjusting her flight so that they were headed North.

            "This shouldn't be too hard," Yusuke said, looking at a map.

            "We can probably just take a bus out and be there in a few hours," Kurama informed them.

            " any money?" Yusuke asked. Kuwabara checked his pockets and reported that he had a total of 75 cents. Yusuke also checked his pockets, and discovered that he had two dollars, three pennies, and a note from Keiko.

            "Now how old is this?" he asked himself, sweatdropping. He could almost hear Keiko now...

            Yusuke you selfish pig-headed moron!!!!

            "What about you, Kurama?" he asked, trying to forget that image of impending doom.

            "I have enough for two tickets," he said, producing five dollars.

            "Great!! I'll pay you back when I have money!" Kuwabara exclaimed, and ran off toward the nearest bus station. Yusuke and Kurama sighed in annoyance.

            "I'm afraid you'll be waiting for a few years for that money," Yusuke said, and they took off after Kuwabara.

            "I don't sense any demons near here, Botan," Hiei said.

            "But I'm sure that this is the place he said!" Botan replied. A bit of snow blew past them, and the ferry girl sneezed. Hiei wasn't affected at all. He was, after all, half ice demon.

            "I don't sense Yusuke or Kurama's energy, either," Hiei added. Botan pretended to check her demon compass (she was really trying to think of an excuse to tell him). He was silent, and looked at the snow with a kind of tender look. Hold on...

            'Yukina is an ice is just snow only solid...ACK!! What if the snow is reminding him of Yukina?!'

            "Ummm...oh, stupid Botan!! Koenma said South, not north!!!" she exclaimed. Hiei didn't say anything, but looked to the East. He pushed his white headband up into his hair, revealing his Jagan eye. Botan panicked.

            'Oh crap oh crap oh CRAP!!!'

            "There's not time for that, Hiei!! We have to go!!" she exclaimed, summoning her oar and practically dragging him onto it.

            "What's the big idea?!" he demanded, but she deliberately took off before she could answer. He stared at the back of her head suspiciously, using some of his power to keep her hair out of his face.

            "Baka onna," he mumbled, but she didn't hear him because the wind was too loud. He considered using the Jagan eye to read her thoughts, but decided against it. They were over 100 feet in the air, and if she 'accidentally' pushed him off because he was reading her thoughts, then he would probably be in for a lot of pain when he hit the ground.

            "Hold on just a little longer, Yukina darling!! The great Kuwabara will rescue you!!" Kuwabara shouted as he practically jumped out of the door of the bus and onto the ground below. Yusuke and Kurama apologized to the contents of the bus that had just been rudely awakened, and got off as well.

            "Geez, Kuwabara, I think you woke up the entire country just now!" Yusuke yelled at him. Kuwabara wasn't paying attention, for he was too busy tying something to his head.

            "What'cha got on your head, Kuwabara? Something to make you smarter?" Yusuke asked. Kuwabara turned around and tried to look incredibly important, revealing a pink headband with hearts and other miscellaneous love-ish things on it.

            "It's the Great Fighting Headband of Love #2!!" he exclaimed, and then turned and ran into the snow covered forest they were standing next to, exclaiming some nonsense about how he would personally decapitate every demon within a 100 yard circumference of Yukina. Kurama stared after him, sweatdropping. Yusuke shrugged.

            "I think he's gotten stupider since the last time we had to rescue Yukina. C'mon, Kurama," he said, and they started after Kuwabara.

            "From one extreme to another," Botan muttered under her breath, as she rolled up the sleeves of her pink kimono. They were standing on a beach of some tropical island, on practically the other side of the world from the snow covered valley they had been in before. Hiei jumped off of Botan's oar, and folded his arms. The heat didn't affect him, despite the fact that he was black from head to toe, with the exception of his face and hands. He was, after all, half fire demon. Sometimes it pays to be mixed...

            "I don't sense any demons here either," Hiei informed Botan, who was still on her oar.

            "Maybe we're too late and Yusuke and the others already beat them?" she tried.

            "Perhaps," Hiei said, and once again removed his headband. Botan panicked again.

            "Er, maybe Koenma said East?" she tried. Hiei glared up at her.  

            "If I didn't know any better, I'd say you were trying to distract me," he said. She sweatdropped nervously, and jumped down to the ground, her oar disappearing to where ever it had come from.

            "Now why would you think that?" she asked.

            "You wouldn't mess up directions this badly unless it was on purpose," Hiei replied. Botan put a hand up to her head, and pretended to grimace in pain.

            "Well, I have got a killer headache..."

            "Spare me. Something is wrong, and Koenma sent you to distract me," Hiei said. His Jagan eye glowed, signaling that he was using it. Botan, once again panicked, slapped her hands over the eye, effectively stopping Hiei from reading her thoughts.

            "Ow!!" Hiei exclaimed, backing up and holding his head in pain. "Baka!! What was THAT for??" he demanded.

            "You were trying to read my thoughts!!!" she exclaimed defensively.

            "So what??"

            "So what?! You were trying to READ MY THOUGHTS!!!"

            "What are you hiding that it is so important I don't find out?!"

            "Umm...I can't tell you,"

            "Why  not?"

            Botan thought for a moment. If she said it was orders from Koenma, he might suspect something, and put all of the pieces together. She had to think of something else that she wouldn't want Hiei to know if she knew it.

            "'s...umm..." she said, blushing fakely. He stared at her, incredulously. From the relatively short amount of time he'd spent watching humans, he'd noticed that the females got red cheeks in certain situations. Yusuke's woman blushed when he said or did something nice. He'd also seen some of the girls from Kurama's school blush whenever he looked at them. Following that train of logic, since Botan had been human at some point, he was either doing something nice (which he wasn't), or she 'liked' him, as Kurama put it. He once again considered reading her thoughts, as he was incredibly confused now, but decided against it. His eye was already irritated, if he tried that again...

            "Baka," he said, covering his Jagan eye with the white cloth again. She glared at him, then summoned her oar.

            "I'll give you a ride back to the city," she said, sitting on it. He shrugged.

            "Whatever," he said, also sitting on the oar.

            Orange energy crackled in Kuwabara's hand, as his Spirit Sword sprang to life. He swung it in a circle, making it get longer as it went. The demons who had made a circle around him had made a grave mistake.

            "Shotgun!!" Yusuke shouted nearby, and there were seven or eight explosions of blue-ish white spirit energy. Kuwabara ran through a line of trees to find Yusuke and Kurama standing in front of a pile of what used to be demons. Yusuke blew on the hand that he had used for the shotgun, and they turned around, to find Kuwabara.

            "Oh, there you are! We were looking for you," Kurama said.

            "Here we are," Botan said, as she pulled up to a stop hovering beside Hiei's tree. Hiei jumped off of her oar and landed on a branch nearby, muttering something. Botan glared at him.

            "You could at least thank me for the ride!!" she exclaimed.           

            "All you did was steer," he replied, settling down on his branch. Botan fumed.

            "Oh, I ungrateful little youkai!!!" she screeched, twisting in the air so that she was brandishing her oar as a bat.

            WHAP!!! She nailed Hiei on the head, and twisted in the air again so that she was sitting correctly on her oar. Hiei fell out of the tree and to the ground below.

            "OW!!" he shouted, clutching his head. She stuck her tongue out at him.

            "Serves you right," she said. She turned to fly off, but she didn't count on Hiei trying to get revenge. He jumped, and before she realized what was happening, he had tackled her off of her oar and to the ground below.

Okay, people, should I make the next chapter a lemon or not? I've got a pretty good idea what to do either way, but which one I write depends on what you people want! Review!!