Authoress: Michelle C.
Date: March 30, 2003
Revised on June 2, 2003 at like 1:30 in the morning…
Re-revised on June 20, 2003 and June 24, 2003
Series: Cowboy Bebop
Disclaimers: Do you think I own CB?
Old Note: This is a totally 'spur of the moment' type fic.
Note: Okay. Here's the deal with this fic: It's not a one-shot anymore. It's the sequel to From The Eyes Of A Shrew, okay? Okay. Oh, btw, and update on me if anyone cares: I've been feeling a lot better than I was before, okay? I'm not as depressed as before (though I still have my moments) and I've been laughing a lot more in the last week than I have for the past year… That's good, right?… Then why do I feel like a burden's been lifted from my heart and placed on my head?……
A Place Where I Belong
Dear Spike, Love Faye
As I sat down, I pulled an old pen that I had found somewhere and pulled a sheet of paper off the top of my dresser. I sighed as a silent tear rolled down my face. I started to write.
Heh… Bet you never would have guessed that I'd be writing you a letter, ne? Well, I am. Deal with it. I just wanted to let you know that I'm leaving. I know that I've said that I was going to leave in the past and then came back, but this time, it's different. Check the safe—all the money's there. I didn't bust anything this time either. Run a maintenance check if you want. I didn't drain all of the frost out of the air-conditioning system, I didn't steal anything to pawn off, I didn't take any money; the only things that I'm taking are my clothes, my make up, and my ship. Don't look for me. But, of course, I guess you already knew I was going to say that. Either way, you wouldn't care… But I mean it this time.
Well. So far this is pretty pointless, ne? I guess… Oy… I guess I'm stalling, aren't I? I'm stalling to say something to you because I never wanted you to know… I… I love you, you stupid lunk-head… I don't know why I do… but I do. I love you and now you know. And because I'd have left by the time you read this, you'll never get the chance to laugh in my face and crush my heart. Again.
Spike… the reason I'm leaving is so you can be happy. I know I've been nothing but a pain in the past, and I'm sorry. I insulted you because I knew that you would never love me. I yelled when I was really crying inside. I hurt you before you could hurt me. Ironic… It's just as Gren said to me… "You hurt them before they ever get a chance to hurt you…"
I'm so sorry for everything that I've ever said and done to you. I know that you won't forgive me, but at least now I know that you know I love you… We'll never meet again; I can make you that last promise… but please don't forget me; it's better to be remembered in hate than to be completely forgotten…
Say goodbye to Jet, Edward, and the mutt for me. And tell them I loved them too. You guys were the only family I ever really knew…
Sayonara, Space Cowboy. May you finally find peace without me.
I folded up the letter and put it in an envelope. I sealed it with my tears and dried my eyes before I snuck out of my room, heading towards Spike's, trying as hard I could not to wake Ein. 'Stupid mutt,' I thought half-heartedly. It's a good thing that Spike and Jet had decided to take the night off. I couldn't believe that they actually wanted Ed to go with them. But, of course, they didn't invite me. They always either forgot about me or snubbed me on purpose.
I walked into his room for the first and last time. As I leaned down to place the vanilla-colored envelope on his pillow, a place where he was sure to see it, I saw a picture frame. Carefully, I sat down on the hurriedly made bed and took the picture frame delicately in my hands. The picture in the frame almost made me drop the delicate gold casing. My head still pounded as I remembered my dream… It was her; Julia.
A droplet of water landed on the impassive face and, shocked, I realized that I was crying. Again.
Sniffling, I put the picture back on his dresser. 'So he still hasn't forgotten…' I thought. 'No. Of course not. How could he ever forget his beautiful angel?' I thought bitterly.
I let loose a soft laugh of resentment and yet full of pain and uncertainty. 'Goodbye, Spike,' I thought sadly. I got up off his now-wrinkled sheets and turned around to straighten them. I unthinkingly started to smooth out the creases and saw a small dark spot appear. More tears.
I straightened up and walked purposely towards the door with two small bags hanging from my limp arms. I walked slowly into the hangar of the Bebop and loaded my two undersized bags of belongings; it was only my clothes and a small amount of make up. I threw them into the seat of the Redtail spiritlessly and started it up.
In an almost robotic way, I pulled out of the hangar and flew towards the only other 'home' I knew: Earth.
I set the coordinates towards Earth, my home planet before I became a wanderer.
"Coordinates: Old North America. Southern Canada. Town: Ancient Victoria of the British Columbia province. Destination confirmed. Time until destination reached: approximately one day, five hours, and forty minutes," droned the computer. "Auto-pilot engaged."
I put my head back and closed my eyes, letting my ship take me away from the old clunker before I could take another look at my "home" for the past 2 years and change my mind. When about five minutes passed, I reopened my eyes and let out a sigh. 'So this is it,' I thought. 'I'm finally alone. I'm… free. No more being compared to the perfect Julia; no more of Spike's constant insults. No more Spike…'
Finally, after another few minutes of silence and boredom, I slipped into a deep sleep. I dreamed…
Blurry images of Gren entered my mind. I had loved him in a way that I'd loved no other. We were both "freaks" in our own ways, his more noticeable than others. 'Gren…' I thought wistfully remembering. Our life spans were what really had me so curious. His, so short, yet sweet. Mine? Heh. I'd lived longer than I should have. My life was Hell.
Sure, Gren was betrayed, and that must have been horrible, but he changed from that. Me, I just accepted it and put it in the past. I learned, but I never used my "lessons" to help others or even help myself. I was just being, not living, not dead. But I was dying. We were both dying in our own separate ways.
I loved Gren as a brother, and yet he was my soul mate because he understood what I felt; he understood me, which is more than what I could have said about anybody else I knew. Not even my old friends.
No one understood me. Ever. Until Gren. He understood because he had it even worse than I did. To know when you would die must have been Hell for him, especially because he knew it was so soon…
I loved Gren… I really did… 'Gren. Gren. Gren. Gren. Gren,' I thought fiercely in my dream. I didn't allow myself to think of Spike at all, so my dreams for that one day, five hours, and forty minutes were all about Gren and some other memories that I was trying to sift through.
So, no wonder, when the computer warned me that I had another 5 hours before reaching Earth, I was still fast asleep.
There were a lot of memories, though none of them really helped me. All they did was bring up old fears, crush some of my dreams, and bring me to a shattering reality—even though I was still dreaming. So what if I remembered? Did it matter? Everything that mattered was 50 years in the past or died with Gren. 'Or was left with Spike,' part of my mind said, but I pushed it away. It didn't matter. Nothing mattered anymore.
All that I wanted to do was sleep. Sleep forever and ever. But that was impossible, because, of course, by the time I actually stopped dreaming and my body was actually getting some rest, Planet Earth was only five minutes away.