Hammond's Week Off by Layton Colt

While the cat's away--the mice will play.


Author's Notes: I started this when I couldn't think of anything to do for the next part of A Traditional Stakeout. It's going to be a five part story (short parts). One posted for every day of the work week. Monday-Friday.

This story is almost a parody, and is just for fun. It is not for the serious reader. ______________________________________________________

MONDAY (Daniel)

This is a nightmare. Inconceivable. Not since our little excursion to hell have I been this terrified.

What was the General THINKING?

Jack's smiling at me. Smugly. He's enjoying this. Of course he is.

"Jack," I say patiently. "You can not order me to have fun."

His partner in crime picks up one of the statues from PX4692 and glances up at me. I watch him carefully. "Sure he can, Daniel. We're in charge this week. Haven't you heard?"

Dear god. Earth won't survive this. *I* won't survive this.

What WAS the General thinking?

Did I do something to deserve this? Is it some kind of subtle revenge? Karmic justice?

"I heard," I said warily.

Of course, it took a while to believe it. The idea of Jack and Ferretti in charge of the SGC was a concept my mind found too terrifying to contemplate.

Ferretti is holding the statue at eye level. This is just great. He has the maturity of a twelve year old and he now holds all our lives within his hands.

I take the statue from him and place it back on the desk.

They both grin at me.

"I can see why you might want to stay here and look at nudie statues all day, Daniel, but--" Jack says.

"It's a fertility statue," I snap.

"Sure it is," Ferretti nods.

"Did you need something? Shouldn't you be in the observation room, oh, I don't know, OBSERVING?"

Jack and Ferretti exchange a quick look. "What's to observe?" Jack asked. "There's no teams due back today, and if something goes wrong, we'll head right there."

"Yea, Doc," Ferretti says. "We don't have anything to do."

"Find something," I tell them. Anything but annoying me, if you don't mind.

"We have," Jack grins.

Anything BUT annoying me, I said.

"I'm busy. I have work to do. Work is something those in charge are supposed to approve of--not discourage," I tell them.

I don't think it gets through.

"Come on, Daniel," Jack says. "You work all of the time. I'd be remiss in my duties if I didn't make you sure you had some down time."

"These things need to be catalogued, Jack. And then I have to translate the tablets from PX4485. THEN, I have to work on Earnest's notes from Heliopolis. I really don't have time to take a break."

"I'm ordering you to take a break," Jack tells me equably.

"I second that order," Ferretti grins. He's enjoying this almost as much as Jack.

Why couldn't he have put Makepeace in charge? Sure, the guy has no sense of humor, but at least he would leave me alone.

"Alright," I say brightly. "I'll take a break."

They both look at me suspiciously. I don't blame them. I tend to be slightly . . . stubborn.

I get up and move past them, and straight to my coffee machine. I pour myself a cup and lean back against the counter to watch them. "Satisfied?" I ask.

"That's not a break," Jack said.

"It's a coffee break," I explain. "They're really quite common."

"Daniel," Jack sighs.

"Yes, Jack?"

"We're going to go play poker in the rec room. You're coming."

"Ah, no."






"Hey, guys," Ferretti breaks in. "Cool it, will ya? I know how to settle this."

I watch him suspiciously, not quite sure what he's up to. I tense as he steps closer to my computer.

"What are you doing?" I demand.

He grabs the cord. "Either you come, or I pull the plug."

"You wouldn't," I say. "I have hours of work on there!"

"You never saved?" Ferretti asks. "Tsk tsk. It would be a shame to lose it all."

"Let go of the cord, Ferretti," I growl.

He just grins wider. I'm reminded of the Ferretti I met on the first trip to Abydos. The one that would push me around--throw my suitcase into the sand and was a general macho idiot. He always was a bit of a bully--even if he did somewhere along the line become my friend.

"I will," he says. "Just as soon as you agree to come with us."

"You'd probably be better off without me there," I tell him. "Wouldn't want to make you and Jack look bad, you know."

Ferretti laughs. "Was that a challenge, Doctor Jackson?"

"No. Actually, it was a statement of fact. I'm quite good at poker. Ask Jack."

Beside me, Jack winces. He doesn't have a fond memory of our first *and* last poker game.

Ever since, he's been rather insistent that we play Gin instead.

"You know, he might be right," Jack says. "Hey, I know, we should play Gin!"

What did I tell you? Who knew intergalactic explorers could be so predictable.

Ferretti frowns. "I'm terrible at Gin," he says.

Jack grins. "I know."

Sounds familiar.

Ferretti's still holding the cord. "Ferretti, let go," I say.

"Oh, right," he says. "I wasn't really going to do it, you know."

I can tell it's going to happen. But before I can even call out a warning-- it's too late.

Ferretti pulls his hand away from the cord, and it gets caught under his arm. The plug gets tugged away from outlet and the Egyptian dancers blink from existence.

I can't move.

Oh god.


I've been cataloguing those artifacts for HOURS.


They're gone before I can catch them. Both of them running down the hall.

Our fearless leaders.

Have I already asked just what in the HELL the General was thinking?