You guys, I'm back! Here it is, the FIFTH installment in my Parody of the Caribbean series. It may be slow going here, but my brother and I have loads of fun stuff planned for this, so without further ado... Dead Men Tell No Parodies.


Ye Olde Prologue

Henry is in a rowboat in the middle of the ocean at night. We infer correctly that he is the son of Will Turner and Elizabeth Swann, but we are about to learn that we've been calling him by the wrong name for ten years. Henry ties a rope around his ankle. The other end of the rope is tied to a giant rock. He manhandles the rock over the side of the rowboat and it sinks, pulling him overboard and towards the bottom of the ocean.

Just when Henry starts to think his brilliant plan has backfired, the rock lands on the deck of a ship. It's the Flying Dutchman, and she pops up to the surface, where Henry can breathe again. A person appears in the shadows. I think we all know who it is.

Henry: Dad? Is that you?

Bingo. It's Will Turner, our favorite un-dead pirate captain. He steps out of the shadows with his sword drawn, then sees his son standing on the deck.

Will: Oh, hey, William.

Henry: Uh… My name is Henry.

Will: Sorry. I knew that. It's just so hard to get used to after I spent ten years assuming you'd be named William.

Henry: Whatever, dad. And why do you have your sword?

Will: Oh, sorry. I thought you were someone else.

He puts the sword away.

Henry: Who else would nearly drown themselves on purpose just to see you?

Awkward pause.

Henry: That came out wrong. You know what I meant. Anyway, Mom says hi.

Will: Uh... great. Speaking of your mother, does she know you're out here after dark? I thought we'd talked about implementing a curfew.

Henry: Yeah, but isn't that more of a guideline than an actual rule?

Will: No, that one's definitely a rule.

Henry: But I really wanted to find you!

Will: And now you have. Mission accomplished. Now it's time for you to leave.

Henry: If I didn't know better, I'd think you didn't even want me here.

Will: I don't want you here.

Henry: Ouch, dad. That's a bit… heartless… don't you think?

The crew are hidden in the shadows and such, but Will can still hear the snickers. He hates that joke. Will shouts at nobody in particular.

Will: That wasn't funny the first time, and it's not getting any funnier!

Will composes himself.

Will: Look, son. The Flying Dutchman isn't exactly a kid-friendly place. We've got poker night four times a week, a cigar lounge, and if it's after 5:00, none of these guys are wearing pants. It's just everybody running around in boxer shorts.

Henry: Even Grandpa?

Will: Especially Grandpa. You'd better go home to your mother before it's too late.

Henry: Too late? What will happen if I stay?

Will: Probably whatever bad thing this ominous mood lighting is hinting at. I don't know. I'm stuck here for eternity, but you can still escape.

Henry: But I think I can break the curse! I read about a really powerful treasure, the Trident of Poseidon. It has all sorts of magical powers.

Will: That's just a made-up story.

We've heard that before, in reference to things like the curse on Barbossa's crew, Will's epic bachelor party, the Flying Dutchman and the dead man's chest, and the Fountain of Youth, to name a few.

Henry: Like the stories about you and Jack Sparrow? Because it sounds to me like he might be just the person to help me find the Trident.

Will: Jack Sparrow is literally the worst. Stay away from that guy or he'll turn you into a pirate.

Henry: Is that how you became a pirate?

Will: Uh, no, that had more to do with your mom. And I really wanted to stick it to this guy Norrington. But forget piracy. I think it's best if you find a hobby other than sailing. Like blacksmithing! That could be cool. You'd get to make swords and light fixtures and things. Doesn't that sound fun?

Henry: You're being really embarrassing.

Will: Fine then. Nice to see you, but it's time to go.

The Flying Dutchman starts to sink. Will chops the rope off Henry's foot, freeing him from the rock. The rock rolls across the deck.

Random Crew Member: Hey, Captain, what should I do with this rock?

Will: Just put it with the others.

The Random Crew Member does so accordingly.

Will: Oh, I almost forgot!

He takes some coins out of his pocket and gives them to Henry.

Will: Your allowance. Remember to put some of it in savings.

Henry is very skeptical of the gold coins.

Henry: This isn't cursed, is it?

Will: I'd tell you that's utter nonsense… but we both know it's not. But no, it's not cursed.

Henry: Cool, thanks, Dad. I'll put this in my treasure chest for safekeeping, and one day I'll use it to fund my quest to find the Trident.

Will: Wait, no, that's not what I—

The Flying Dutchman sinks before Will can finish his protest. Henry floats to the surface and swims back to his rowboat.

Henry: I think we all know I'm definitely going to go looking for Jack Sparrow, and that it's going to end just about as well as that always does.


Stay tuned for more!