Miscellaneous Runaways

We have now arrived in St. Martin, where a young woman is wrongfully incarcerated. She is Carina, who will soon become the lady protagonist of this story. A member of the clergy walks up to the cell to speak to her.

Carina: Are you the Pope?

Clergy: Lady, I'm not even Catholic. But we're not here to talk about me. Let's talk about you, an orphan, accused of witchcraft.

Carina: As if the false accusation isn't enough, you just had to bring up the dead parents thing too, huh?

Clergy: We have to work the backstory in somewhere.

Carina: You suck at backstory. You left out the whole part about the diary my father left me, and about how I've survived on my own for this long searching for even more backstory than that. I'm really good at science and I'm sorry if that freaks you out, but it doesn't make me a witch.

The clergy shuffles through some papers which include the notes he was given about each of the prisoners.

Clergy: It says here that it does.

Carina: I have a riddle for you. Who has two hands, a mysterious diary, and picked this lock while you were looking at your notes?

Clergy: Oh, I know this one…!

Carina shoves the door open, knocking the Clergy over. His papers go everywhere. Carina runs away while the Clergy is trying to pick up all his papers.

Clergy: Those were alphabetized!

Carina could not care less so she just keeps running.

Outside, the whole town has gathered for the official ribbon cutting for the Royal Bank of St. Martin. The Mayor is standing up on a platform that was constructed just for him, for this occasion, and he is speaking to the crowd of people. The bank has a literal ribbon tied around it and a big red bow is tied in front.

Mayor: The dedication ceremony will commence as soon as I find my giant scissors.

Carina pokes her head around the corner of a building and sees that the Mayor's giant scissors are being stolen by Marty the midget. (She doesn't know who Marty is, but she can tell he's a midget.) She considers alerting the Mayor but decides she'd rather not give herself away and get arrested again. Also, she thinks the giant scissors are kind of hokey.

Mayor: Okay, so while my useless assistant Stanley is looking for the scissors he somehow managed to misplace, even though they're like four feet long and orange, let me tell you a bit about this bank.

Stanley isn't particularly pleased at being called out. He sees Marty stealing the scissors too, but he deliberately withholds the information just to spite the Mayor.

Mayor: This is a state-of-the-art banking facility, and the most secure institution in the Caribbean! Much more secure than the bank over at St. Thomas, where my cousin Ronald is mayor and thinks he's so cool.

Carina has been to St. Thomas so she knows the bank there is actually as terrible as the Mayor suggests, but she's also pretty sure the mayor of St. Thomas is named Kevin.

Mayor: The vault weighs an imperial ton, and the combination on the lock is forty-seven digits long, so it's basically impossible to crack.

Carina sees a bunch of soldiers chasing her and she runs away again.

Mayor: Stanley, where are my scissors?

Stanley: For all I know, maybe a midget took them.

Mayor: Okay, well, how am I going to unveil this bank without my giant scissors?

Random Man 1: When you say "unveil" I assume you mean it symbolically. You know we can all see it, right? I mean, it's a bank.

Mayor: It's a symbolic gesture, yes, but it's important, all right? We've got Jaques over there painting this scene for posterity and I really think the scissors should be in the painting.

Random Man 2: I've got a job interview in like twenty minutes, so can we move this along?

Mayor: Fine. We've got to have the crowd in the painting. Does anyone have any scissors? Or like a knife or sharp rock?

Random Man 1: I've got a seam ripper.

Mayor: I guess that will have to do.

Two random soldiers who have been chasing Carina, unsuccessfully, encounter their commanding officer (who I'll call Captian Gustav Mahogany). Captain Gustav Mahogany is not pleased with their job performance today.

Lieutenant Sheldon: Sorry, sir, she escaped, and she's really fast.

Captain Gustav Mahogany: Well if you don't find her, you'll be hanged in her place.

Lieutenant Broderick: I don't think that's legal.

Captain Gustav Mahogany: Who's going to stop me? You? You'll be dead.

Lieutenant Sheldon: He's got a really good point, man. We'd better go find her.

The lieutenants disperse to continue searching for Carina. Carina, meanwhile, is hiding in a bunch of straw in a cart letting a horse pull her around the town. The Mayor takes the seam ripper and painstakingly cuts through the ribbon around the bank.

Mayor: And now, without further ado, the most impenetrable fortress in the entire Caribbean. The entire universe, probably. It would take an army to rob gold from this bank.

He finally cuts the ribbon and opens the bank doors. It's all very impressive. Inside, there's the vault, as described, except the door is standing open and Jack Sparrow is inside the vault, passed out with a mostly-empty bottle of rum in his hand. There's no army in sight. (The rest of the pirates are around back where nobody can see them. And I wouldn't exactly call them an army.) Apparently it only takes one drunk pirate (and a few of his friends) to rob the bank.

Mayor: Pirate!

Jack: Where?

Jack is really confused by all the people gawking at him and he takes a moment to assess his surroundings.

Jack: I'm somehow drunk and hungover at the same time right now.

Back behind the bank, the pirates of Jack's crew have a giant rope, a cart, and 13 horses. Clearly they're plotting something piratey. Marty the midget is showing off the giant scissors he stole.

Gibbs: Are those scissors actually gigantic, or do they just look huge because you're so small?

Marty: I don't know, is that pocket watch small because you're too cheap to buy a bigger one?

Gibbs: There's no reason to be snippy. No pun intended.

That pun was totally intended, and everybody knows it.

Out front, the crowd (and Jack) are trying to make sense of the situation.

Mayor: What do you think you're doing in there?

Jack: Well, what does it look like?


Jack: No, really, I'm asking, because I have no idea what I'm doing here. Am I the building inspector?

Mayor: If you are, you're fired for drinking on the job.

Jack notices the rum in his hand for the first time.

Jack: Oh, look, rum! This whole situation makes a little more sense now.

Out in front of the bank, someone has apparently summoned a bunch of soldiers and told them to get rid of the pirate. The redcoats make their formation and take aim with their long rifles. They're about to blow Jack away when a woman wakes up inside the vault and catches everyone's attention. The Mayor's useless assistant Stanely recognizes the woman just in time.

Stanley: Wait, guys, don't shoot that lady!

Mayor: Who cares? She's probably just a lady pirate. Shoot them both.

Stanley: Isn't that your wife?

Mayor: What? Where?

The Mayor puts his glasses on and squints.

Mayor: Francis?

Francis climbs out of the vault and awkwardly joins her husband.

Mayor: I thought you were at bingo night.

Francis: Well, I was, but things got a little crazy.

Jack finally figures out what he's doing in the bank vault.

Jack: Bingo! I remember! I'm robbing the bank.

Like, duh.

Mayor: Shoot him!

The guys in the red coats are more than happy to oblige. They open fire, and Jack hits the metaphorical deck. Out back, the pirates are all sitting in the cart behind the 13 horses with Gibbs at the reins. The horses take off until the rope pulls tight, dragging the vault towards the back wall of the bank. The wooden wall creaks against the strain, and then the whole bank begins to move. Yeah, the whole bank. Building and all. Those 13 horses must have eaten their Wheaties this morning.

Jack notices what's happening. He reaches for his hat as he's laying on the floor of the bank.

Jack: Okay, so I guess we're improvising a bit. Which is fine. That's fine. I'm definitely not going to yell at anyone later about why it's important to stick to the plan.

The pirates were apparently really bad at estimating the amount of rope they were going to need and drastically overestimated, because a random coil of rope is available to wrap itself around Jack's foot. The bank takes off behind the horses, and Jack gets pulled behind the bank, still holding his bottle of rum. As the bank is dragged through the streets, gold is falling out of the open vault and landing randomly in the streets. People from the town come out to collect it.

The pirates are panicking just a little bit because this was not part of the plan, and it's very hard to be inconspicuous while they're towing an entire building. They have to take an alternate route back to their ship. Gibbs puts Scrum in charge of the map.

Scrum: Left! Go left! Okay, now go right!

Gibbs: We've already been this way. What are you doing back there?

Scrum: Sorry, I got a bit turned around.

He squints at the map, turns it one way, and then the other way, and then looks around at their surroundings.

Scrum: Okay, if the bank is behind us, that means—

Gibbs: You can't use the bank as a landmark! We're towing it! It's always going to be behind us!

Scrum: Oh, okay, right. That's a really good point. Let's see… Now we should be coming up on Gerard's house…

Scrum shouts to a random bystander.

Scrum: Hey! Are you Gerard?

Gerard: Yeah.

Scrum: Great, thanks! Okay, go left here!

Gibbs: Wait, are you serious? What are the odds the first random bystander you saw would be Gerard?

Marty: Well, given that the population of St. Martin is roughly—

Gibbs: Stop ruining my rhetorical questions with your science!

Marty: I didn't. You didn't even let me get to the science.

The 13 horses make a sharp left, pulling the bank behind them, and towing Jack behind the bank.

Meanwhile, Carina is still making her escape. She comes to a building with a sign on its door that says "NO DOGS, NO WOMEN." If Carina's mind wasn't made up to go through that door before, it is now, and she goes inside. There's a large telescope in the middle of the room, and Carina looks through it.

As Carina is looking at outer space, an astronomer guy comes into the room and is incredibly startled to see her. For a moment, this poor guy is at a loss for words because he knows all about the "NO WOMEN" sign on the front door. When he finally puts a sentence together, it's 6 words of pure gold that could not possibly be improved upon:

Astronomer: No woman's ever handled my Herschel!

Carina has no response to that.

Outside, the 13 horses are still pulling the bank (and Jack) through the town. Jack manages to get his bearings enough to climb on top of the bank so he isn't being dragged across the ground. The bank rounds another corner and a bunch of miscellaneous townspeople dive out of the way. All except for the Mayor's assistant Stanley. He chases the bank down the street.

Stanley: Wait! Take me with you!

Gibbs: What? Why? Who are you?

Stanley: I'm Stan!

Gibbs: Oh, well in that case, hop on.

Stanley jumps into the cart, which startles the horses into taking an unexpected sharp right turn. The bank tips sideways, throwing Jack off into the street and leaving him behind.

Back in the astronomy shop, Carina tries to deflect the awkwardness with some science.

Carina: You know this was pointing at the hat shop across the street? I fixed it for you.

Astronomer: Witch!

Carina rolls her eyes.

Carina: Why do you always people go right to the witch thing? Why can't I just be a woman who knows a blood moon is coming and just wants to purchase a chronometer?

Astronomer: That's a bit far-fetched.

Carina: You should appreciate the fact that I didn't just steal it. And I'll even pay double since I'm a woman.

Astronomer: Where did you get that kind of money?

Carina: I stole it.

Jack staggers into the astronomer shop completely at random.

Jack: Aha! It's the moment you've all been waiting for. Now you can tell all your friends about the day you met the lengendary Captain Jack—

Astronomer: Help! The witch summoned a pirate to my shop!

Jack: Oh, a witch! Even better! Maybe together the six of us can find the bank I've accidentally misplaced.

Astronomer: Six?

Carina: Yeah, he's drunk. He's seeing double.

Astronomer: He's seeing himself twice?

The bank crashes into the telescope that's poking out the window and rips the wall off the astronomer shop. Carina and Jack take advantage of the distraction and run out of the shop.

Carina: For the record, I'm not a witch!

Jack: To be honest, it really doesn't matter to me, but are you sure you don't want to lean into the witch thing? Could be great for intimidating the small-minded.

Carina: I don't want to cause any trouble.

Jack: But it's so much fun! Did I ever tell you the story of—

Carina: We literally just met.

They run off to hide. Lieutenants Sheldon and Broderick come around the corner because they could have sworn they heard someone yelling about witches and pirates in this general area, but there are no pirates or witches to be found.

Jack and Carina are hiding on the roof, watching the lieutenants searching for them.

Carina: It's only a matter of time before they think to look up here.

Jack: Okay, I have a plan. But you're going to have to scream.

Carina does so accordingly, not because she thinks it's a good plan, or even a plan that makes sense, and not because she takes orders from pirates, but because Jack throws her off the roof and it's an involuntary reaction to sudden terror. She lands safely on a pile of hay in the back of a cart which causes quite the diversion. The lieutenants fire their rifles at Carina, and Jack runs in the opposite direction.

Welcome back! We are still working on this, I promise! This section ends at a weird spot because it was getting long and cumbersome. Stay tuned!