DEADPOOL and the Atrocious X-MEN Timeline
"It's a dark and stormy night in a not so shabby apartment. The place is filthy because the blind lady who owns the place is horrible at cleaning up her shit and the shit that belongs to her awesome roommate who on occasion does important things.
The roommate has super abilities and can do some super cool shit and has a super hot girlfriend, who currently is at work showing her tits to the meat spankers who haven't the balls to approach a woman on the street and say, "Hey, how bout a drink and then afterwards let's put some balls in holes."
This lone roommate, currently sits alone on the couch staring at the TV screen while the blind lady is probably out wandering the rainy streets, probably lost because you know...she's blind and stuff. Can't see shit.
Sitting in front of the the TV is a collection of X-MEN blu ray movies. The roommate is burning time away by watching these collection of movies, impatiently waiting until the greatest movie of the decade hits theaters on May 18, 2018. A movie about the greatest man in the world. A movie called DEADPOOL 2.
"Hello, fanfiction readers," the roommate addresses the douches who have no life and spends there time reading stories written by other douches who also have no life. "Deadpool here. Welcome to my very own fanfiction story written by a loser with a lazy eye and entirely too much time on his hand."
Deadpool, clothed in his red suit and wearing his mask, paused the TV screen. He was currently watching X-MEN: THE LAST STAND and the scene on the screen was the prologue where a walking Professor Xavier and once friend, Erik Lehnsherr were approaching a young Jean Grey's childhood home.
"So, if you're wandering what this story that I'm currently stuck in is about, then just look at the title to the story. It's about the goody two shoe heroes known as the X-Men and their horrible timeline and butt clenching continuity issues.
"The super dork who dreamed up this super fanfiction is one of the many people out there who wish to understand the X-MEN franchise's many confusing inconsistencies and try to find a way to make it make sense. Somehow I got snagged into this headache inducing tale of just how exactly all those continuity issues can be explained. Yay."
Deadpool got up off the couch and unsheathed one of his dual swords, "Allow me to escape the narrative for a moment and give my solution to this whole mess."
He lifted his sword above the X-MEN blu ray collection and started to bring it down on top of them but then he froze at the last moment and his large animated white eyes widened.
"Whoa. I almost did something very stupid. My first great movie is actually part of this franchise. Son of a bitch!"
He lowered the sword with one hand while using his other to dig the DEADPOOL blu ray out of the stack and placed it safely next to his unicorn doll.
"There," he said with a satisfied nod. He grabbed the sword with both hands and commenced to chopping the remaining nine X-Men blu ray's into pieces.
He admired his handy work and then sheathed his sword, "Okay, so now the continuity issues have been fixed and now the only movie that actually matters is left standing."
Deadpool silently stood standing in place for several moments. He sighed audibly, "So clearly that isn't how this tale will end. I deduced this fact because words are continuing past the THE END that perfectly wrapped this story up.
"The author of this tale absolutely loves the X-MEN movies, even the abysmal X-MEN ORIGINS: WOLVERINE that completely ruined my first appearance on the silver screen. Yeah folks, that's who you're dealing with right now so read on at your own expense.
"Further icing on the cake to this tantalizing tale is that I am being contained by fanfiction rules and can't be my usual raunchy ever loving fun self. This story is rated T for Teen which is the equivalent of PG-13 in the movie world. That means I'm only allowed to say like three fucks in the whole story. Shit, there went one right there. Now I only have like two more I can use. Better conserve those for the right moments."
Deadpool sat back on the couch and crossed his legs in a business like fashion. "So, avid fanfiction readers, are you wondering where this story goes next? Well, me too, because honestly I haven't a clue where we're going or what's going to happen next. I suppose we can find out together in Chapter One.
"Oh, and if you were wondering, I was the one setting up the narrative in italicized words at the beginning of this if you didn't know this already."
A microwave beeped in the background. Deadpool shot up off the couch, "My chimichanga is done. Click the next button if you want to continue this pointless tale while I fuel up on the greatest food in the world."