When you been on this earth as long as Dracula has, you learn a thing or two. You learn the cool moves. You learn what the ladies love. You learn when it's the right time to do the scrape-and-lick. You learn to never back down from nobody, nowhere, no time, no how. And Dracula don't back down from no one! Nuh-uh! Why, death hisself could show up at Dracula's doorstep, and Dracula wouldn't back down! Matter of fact, death did show up at Dracula's doorstep, and what did Dracula do? Dracula showed that skeleton man a thing or two! And made Skeleton Man pay for Dracula's early-bird special at Fanny's!
Now what was Dracula talking about again? Oh yeah! Dracula knows a lot, 'cause he's been around a long time. But don't you dare call Dracula old! Dracula ain't no creaky old geezer man! Dracula's still as fine as an award-winning Australian wine! But Dracula's not talking about that. No, Dracula's talking about...uh...let's see. Hold on, let me find my place. Um, hmm. Learn a thing or two...death hisself...Australian wine...here we go.
One of the things you learn when you been around as much as Dracula is that everybody got their own story. Some of them got more than one. Dracula got plenty, and they're all interesting. But this ain't Dracula's story. Don't know why, though! Dracula should be the star of this story! But no, instead Dracula gots to tell a story about his nerd grandson! Half-mummy, quarter-vampire, all nerd! Twenty-two sevenths nerd, to be exact! And not only that, but this isn't just a story about Dracula's nerdy relative! No, it's also a story about an annoying green elephant duck thing! And a giant spider! Whoo, that giant spider gives Dracula the heebie-jeebies. And it's the story of a one-eyed weirdo freaknasty! And some other one-eyed weirdo freaknasty with way too much body hair and an artificial hand!
This isn't the story of Dracula. Although Dracula knows you'd rather hear the story of Dracula. Especially if it's a story about Dracula and the ladies. Everyone loves the stories about Dracula and the ladies. Especially the ladies.
This is the story...of Underfist!