Disclaimer: All belongs to Tolkien.  A debt of gratitude is owed to Miss Cam, whose stories of OFUM and MUSM have inspired the characterisation of Morgoth, as well as making me laugh out loud on many occasions.

On with the story!

But first, a note from Morgoth:

ATTENTION, PUNY MORTALS!  Hah.  Just like to see you jump.  This is Morgoth, supreme overlord of the world – or at least, I will be once I get out of this stupid Void.  Just biding my time.  It has been brought to the attention of one of my Minions, Jen Littlebottom, that a certain Aislynn Crowdaughter has noted that there may be some factual errors in this story.  Namely, that Maeluiwen is currently a bodiless spirit, and thus unable to do any harm (or molest greet any canon characters with her usual enthusiasm).  Obviously, the normal course of action would be a smiting, but given that Jen would prefer it if I didn't kill any of her reviewers, there remains one other option.

I have now returned Maeluiwen's body to her (Suck on that, Manwë!).  Because frankly, there needs to be more evil in the world, and Orcs and Balrogs just aren't cutting it any more.  Besides, watching that she-beast wreck havoc is almost as much fun as cursing Hurin's brats.

Yours Evilly,

Morgoth, Dark Lord.

p.s. Give Nieni-poos my love.

All right, where were we?  Oh, yes…

Eldarion woke up when he heard the thump.  Growing up with umpteen sisters made you a light sleeper, or at least it did if you didn't want to wake up with pink ribbons in your hair.  There was a lot of giggling coming from the communal parlour his sisters shared.  This was usually a hint that they were planning some sort of prank, usually involving him, if it didn't involve Uncle Legolas' clothing.

As he crept up to the door, he realised this wasn't the usual sort of giggling.  It was more… breathy?  And there seemed to be some jingling going on as well.  The door was unlocked, so he decided he might as well just open it and see what…

Oh.  Dear.  Eru…

"Father!  Mother!"

Seven beautiful young women with their mother's dark hair and Elvish grace, looked up.  "Eldarion!"

In the face of sisterly wrath, there was only one thing a prince could do.  Eldarion ran for it.  Maeluiwen, who was a little slow on the uptake, got left behind.

While Eldarion was busy being chased around Minas Tirith by his sisters, Maeluiwen set off to find further companionship.  Whether it was chance, or some fiendish ability to find trouble wherever it lurked, she ended up headed towards the healers quarters.



Ioreth let out a sigh.  She really needed to retire.

"Elessar, take off your shirt." What was left of it, that was.  "I need to put ointment on those scratches of yours."

The King of the Reunited Kingdoms crossed his arms and pouted.  "Only Arwen is allowed to see my Kingly Nipples."

There was a snigger from the corner of the room where Faramir waited for his turn, a bruise forming on his cheek.

"Faramir, would you like to go first then?"

"Sure."  He stepped forward, pulling his shirt off and stuck his tongue out at Aragorn.  "I'm not afraid."

"That's just because you don't have Kingly Nipples.  And you're just sore because you lost, anyway."

Faramir frowned, wincing as Ioreth poked a wound with a little more force than was strictly necessary.  "I did not lose.  You kept changing all the rules."

"I'm allowed to change the rules.  I'm King."

"Not in the middle of the game!"

Ioreth interrupted before things could get out of hand.  "What game was this, then?"

"Snap.  It's a Hobbit game.  With cards."

"And with Special King Rules." Aragorn smirked.

"More like Stupid King Rules." replied Faramir, pouting.

Further argument was stalled by the door swinging open, Maeluiwen bouncing into the room.  From somewhere she'd managed to acquire more of her famous mithril underwear, and was jingling like an Éored of Rohirrim in full armour.  She saw Ioreth, and leaped.  Faramir stared.  Aragorn groaned.

"Oh no, not again."


"A quest?"

Aragorn and Faramir exchanged Looks.  They'd silently agreed to cooperate on this one matter.  They needed to get Maeluiwen out of the city before Arwen and Éowyn got back from shopping.

"Uh, yes.  A very important quest.  A quest to find the, uh…" Aragorn looked around helplessly, waving his hands vaguely.

"The, uh…" Faramir turned in panic, and scanned the bookshelves behind Aragorn's desk.  "The Entwives!"

"Yes!" Aragorn recovered quickly, and sat back down.  "I mean, that is correct.  The Entwives.  Probably to be found somewhere very, very…"

"…very, very, very…" said Faramir.

"…very far away." finished Aragorn.  "And you may have this…" he picked up a random object from the clutter among the desk. "This magical crystal to help you on your way."

"Ooh.  Shiny." said Maeluiwen.  "What do I get as a reward?"

"A reward?"

"If I find the Entwives."

Aragorn hadn't counted on that one.  He paused.

"I believe the hand of your daughter in marriage is traditional, eh Aragorn?" said Faramir, smirking.

Aragorn growled, but noting the way Maeluiwen's eyes lit up at the offer.  "Er, yes.  The hand of my daughter in marriage."

"Do I get to pick which one?"

Faramir looked out the window.  "Aragorn!  They're coming!"

"You can have all of them if you like." said Aragorn, hurriedly, "As long as you leave right now.  This instant.  Very important quest, needs to be done right away."  He ushered a confused looking Maeluiwen out of the door.

"Aragorn?  We're home…"

And not a moment to soon, either, for no sooner had Maeluiwen been shoved out the door and down the stairs (not too gently, either), then Arwen and Éowyn burst in through the door, weighed down with shopping bags.

"Why is Eldarion tied to the fountain in the main courtyard wearing nothing but a pair of pink bloomers?"

Aragorn sighed.  "Isn't it your turn to talk to the girls?"

"That's funny…" said Éowyn.  "The paperweight I gave you two for your anniversary is gone."

"Oh no!" cried Arwen, Eldarion's pink bloomers forgotten.  "I loved that paperweight."

Éowyn nodded.  "I chipped it off the walls of Aglarond while Gimli wasn't looking."

"I shall start interrogating the maids immediately."  Arwen swept out the door, Éowyn following.

"Oh dear." said Aragorn faintly.  "I think I need to sit down."

"You are sitting down." pointed out Faramir.

"Shut up, Faramir."


Outside Minas Tirith, Maeluiwen hugged her 'magic crystal' to her chest, and picked a random direction to walk in.

"A questing we shall go, a questing we shall go… hi ho a merry o, a questing we shall go…"

After all, whichever direction she chose to walk in would be the correct one, surely?

A further note from Morgoth:

Mwahahahahaha…. made you look.

p.s. I am not wearing a shirt.

A/N:  Thank you to all the lovely reviewers who have encouraged this madness to continue.  I would just like to say one thing: This is all your fault.

For your education:  Maeluiwen means 'Lusty Maiden', in Sindarin.  It's as close as I could get to 'Wench'.  The Faerie(half) joke is from Elf Only Inn (), and refers to the lovely M'Lady (full name: Lady Sunset Autumn Honey Purity Sunflower Rainbow) who is a Star Elf and also a vampire (half).  You might want to check it out, it's a very funny comic.