Hullo all! I don't own any of these people. Don't own any of the other stuff I reference in this phic. If you got a question or concern about this here phic, just drop me a note. "send it C/o the Ghost by return of post. -PTO"

Christine: (Now a Valley Girl, singing her ditzy little heart out) Like, "Think of me, think

of me fondly"...Oh, like, I don't feel so good! (faints)

(Back in her dressing room)

Raoul: (Now a Gansta poser) Yo yo, Chrissy, ma chizzle. Wassup? (Makes stupid

looking hand gestures in accordance with his mindlessly spouted drivel)

Christine: Wow! It's like, you! (A loud and conspicuous throat clearing is heard behind

the mirror) Oh, damn. I mean, like...who the hell are you?

Raoul: Yo! I be R to the Aoul, babe!

Christine: (Confused) Like, what?

Raoul: Um, it's me, Raoul. We used to hang back in the 'hood.

Christine: Like, you're really cute and all but I don't remember you saving my scarf and

all that junk at all....

Raoul: Duuuude. Um, so ya wanna get some eats an' go for a lil trip in ma sweet ride? I

be bling-blingin'!

Christine: (blinks) Like, I don't have any idea what you just said. But, I'll like, talk to the

little voice in my head and ask if I can. But, he's like, soooooo uptight. (a muffled "bitch"

is heard from behind the mirror)

Raoul: Little voice? Huh?

Christine: Like, the Angel of Music. Hello! Buh-bye! DUH!

Raoul: Whatchu talkin' 'bout Willis?

Christine: Who's Willis?

Raoul: Nevermind.

Christine: Anywho, like, Daddy sent me the Angel from, like, Heaven. An' he's been,

like, y'know, teaching me and junk.

Raoul: Dats coo'. Yo I'ma gonn go change my threads is goin' out o' style. Catch ya on

the streets in 5 ma sweet thang.

Christine: Wha?

Raoul: I hassa go ask my big bro if I can go out tonight. I'll come get you in 5 minutes,

suga.

Christine: Oh. Like, why didn't you just say so?

Raoul: Yo suga muffin, I gots me a image to maintain. (tries to look studly. Fails

miserably, and trips on his way out while attempting a punk boyband move)

Erik: (Um, yeah. Well Erik doesn't really have a stereotype, 'cause he's Erik. So I just did

a little tweeking. Have mercy!) Jesus, who was that jackass?

Christine: Um, like, he was, like a friend when I was little. An' now, I think he's like, so

hot and junk.

Erik: Forget that MTV reject. He could never do for you what I can.

Christine: But, he has, like, a REALLY nice ass!

Erik: (sighs) Sometimes you just have to do things the hard way. Come with me. (Opens

the mirror)

Christine: Like, this won't, like involve drugs and booze will it?

Erik: Of course not. That would be wrong. (flash cheesy after-school- special smile. Teeth

sparkle)

Christine: Like, OK! (hops through the mirror with waaay too much pep for a normal

human being)

Erik: (does a little "hell yes" move and closes the mirror) Follow me, I have the most

kickass lair downstairs.

Christine: Got cable?

Erik: Satelite with a TiVo system.

Christine: Let's go!

Erik: (showing her around the lair)....And that's the kitchen--I'm a fabulous cook by the

way--and that door is the rec room, and that one's the torture chamber.

Christine: Damn. What's that do?

Erik: A little something I like to call non-stop Richard Simmons. (sexy evil grin) So, you

want to watch a movie or something?

Christine: Um, sure. Do you have, like, Clueless?

Erik: I despise that movie. All those ditzy girls, using those horribly overdone cliches. I

just can't stand it. (long awkward silence)

Christine: Anyhow, like, do you have it?

Erik: (flatly) My VCR ate it.

Christine: Oh. What else you got?

Erik: I have Dead Poets Society.

Christine: Like, EEEW!!!! Who wants to watch a movie about some icky dead guys??

Erik: Well, it isn't exactly about dead guys. I think it's a very good movie. Makes some

good points about individuality and it has a lot of integrety and artistic credit....and you

don't give a whit about any of that, do you?

Christine: Nope! What else is there?

Erik: I have the entire first season of Batman: TAS.

Christine: I don't like Batman. He's creepy. I like Superman.

Erik: Yeah, you would.... (sits down at the piano) I could play you something.

Christine: Awesome! Do you, like, know anything by Britany Spears?

Erik: (glowers at her) No!

Christine: Um, like, ok. How about, like, N*Sync? They're dreamy!

Erik: Tell ya what. I'll play something nice with some musical validity, and you shut your

trap and listen, mm-kay?

Christine: Uh! Like, don't use such big words! It, like, confuses me!

Erik: (muttering) I'll bet. (proceeds to play something similar to MOTN, but different

enough so that ALW won't flay my hide. He also sings with it. *drool*)

Christine: Ooooh.pwetty! (passes out in Erik's arms)

Erik: Well, this worked out nicely!

(the next morning)

Christine: (waking up) Oh, man.like, I REALLY need some Valume. (notices Erik

composing) Dude, it's that guy. Damn, he didn't tell me, like, who he was. An' I like,

promised myself that I wouldn't like, y'know, spend the night with any more strange men

when I, like, don't know who they are. Oh well. Better late than, like, never. (rips off his

mask) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!

Erik: God dammit! (hastily covers face) What in hell possessed you to do that? Aren't

you up on your mythology?

Christine: (stops screaming long enough to be confused) Like, huh?

Erik: You know..Psyche and Eros..Pandora's box..the woman who wanted to see

Zeus' true face and got burnt to a crisp..Is ANY of this ringing a bell? (Christine shakes her head stupidly. Erik smacks his head on the floor) All right, put the mask down and

nobody gets hurt!

Christine: Ew! Like, you look SO gross!

Erik: (sarcastically) Gee, I hadn't noticed. Now gimmie!

Christine: Ewewewewewewewewew! I can't believe I, like, thought about sleeping with

you!

Erik: So that's out of the question now, huh? Yeah, I kinda figured..

Christine: Can't you get some, like, cream or stuff to fix that?

Erik: Look! It's hard enough for me to deal with this without you freaking out on me, all

right? (giving her puppy eyes) I wish I could be handsome for you.I wish I could be

your perfect gentleman and everything you would want me to be.everything I could

never be for you.but all I can hope is that.that you're able to see past my appearance.

That you're not shallow and petty like everyone else. Please. I'm just a man, standing in

front of a girl, asking her to love him. (awww)

Christine: Like, fat chance, LOSER!

Erik: (looks hurt) Please..

Christine: (chucks the mask at him) Here's your stupid mask! Probably has, like, UGLY

cooties anyhow. (wipes hands off on dress)

Erik: (replacing the mask hastily) Come on. Someone's gonna think you got mugged if I

don't bring you back soon. (leads her off)

(later)

Raoul: Dude. Where's that little hottie Christine?

Christine: (popping up) I'm here!

Raoul: Yo baby, where you been? I been goin' crazy wit-out chew.

Christine: I still, like, don't understand you.but I'm sure that was, like, really sweet.

(cuddles with him)

Raoul: Oh yeah, dat biz'natch Carlotta was bitchin' about you. She done stole your part.

An' I got dis trippin' note from some brotha callin hisself "OG" Dawg.

Christine: Whoa, that is soooo weird. I, like, just came from his place!

Raoul: Well, I'm rorally gonna trash his azz when I find him. An' I'm gonna find him by

sittin' in his box. I'm gonna show that bi'otch who da man! WOO!

Christine: Um, like, whatever.

(at the performance)

Carlotta: (now a raving queen, and yes, I mean a man in drag) Oh gawd, I wish we were

doing Pajama Game! Oh well. Anywho, I'm just fabulous and you're not! Hahahahaha!

Erik: (from nowhere) You fuckers are the sorriest excuse for an opera company I've ever

seen. And what the HELL is that dumbass doing in my box?

Christine: (yelling at Erik, whom she can't see) Like, can't you leave me alone for like, 5

minutes? You have some MAJOR control issues!

Carlotta: Shut UUUP! I cannot work like this you skinny little bitch!

Erik: NOBODY calls MY girl a bitch, you bitch!

Carlotta: Hmph! See if I renew my contract! Anywho.I'm just fabul-woof! (blinks)

Ahem, I'm just fa-WOOF WOOF! (covers mouth)

Erik: And, by the way, FOP.I WANT MY SEAT!!!

Carlotta: Woof woof woof.oh shit! (runs off)

Christine: Well now what the hell am I supposed to do? (wanders off)

Manager 1: (skidding to a stop centre stage) Ummm. Technical difficulty. We're gonna

fix things.uh.in the meantime here's some mindless drivel-oh! I mean, here's a

totally boss dance mix. (runs off and the dancers run on and begin their set)

Erik: This seriously blows. (starts dropping lights and making shadows to screw up the

dancers. Finally a body falls from the rafters.)

Manager 2: Look! It's Jow Buquet! That fucked up stagehand who kept seeing

Phantoms!

Manager 1: He's dead!

Everyone 'cept Erik: OH CRAP! AAAAAAAAAHHH!

Christine: Like, OH! My God! Oh my GOD! Oh MY God!

Raoul: Yo! Lez get outta here!

Christine: Let's go to the roof and make out!

Raoul: K-diggity. (they run off)

Erik: Dammit.

(on the roof)

Raoul: So wassup chica?

Christine: Like, it was the Phantom! He messed up the show!

Raoul: Yo, sweety! There ain't no Phantom! You're on crack!

Christine: But I, like, SAW him! And was NASTY lookin'! (gets a ditzy little look on her

face) But, like, he was still, like, REALLY hot! And he's kinda cute.but not, like, cute-

cute.more like one of those really grody hairless rats.y'know, like, they're so god-

awful disgusting it's kinda cute 'cause they're like, so pathetic?

Raoul: That didn't EVEN make no sense!

Erik: (hiding behind statue) She digs me.

Christine: Like, what was that?

Raoul: Yo. I wanna be your man.

Christine: OK.

Raoul: Who's yo daddy?

Christine: Ummm..Daddy Daae?

Raoul: (slaps forehead) Um.no.I'M yo daddy.

Christine: Huh? That's like, so GROSS!

Raoul: No, no, no. PIMP daddy. You ma bitch.

Christine: I am, like, SO insulted!

Raoul: No, no, baby. That's a GOOD thing.

Christine: (Whining) Like, but I don't want to be a bitch!

Raoul: Nevermind. Jus' be ma lova.

Christine: Mm-k!

(they run off)

Erik: (emerging from behind the statue) I think I'm going to gag. After all I've DONE for

her! I need to smash something! (storms off)

Christine: (onstage) Like, OH MY GOD! THE CHANDELIER!

(CRASH)

Erik: I feel so much better!

(End Act 1)