Disclaimer: I own nothing. Except boredom. And lots of coffee.


When Uzumaki Naruto breathed his last, he didn't expect to wake up in the world of the living again. He was old, and tired, and so, so ready to move on. And, well...he wanted to see his wife again, dammit. His beautiful, kind, loving, gentle, understanding wife. The only person in his life who never gave him shit about anything and always had his back when crazy came knocking on his door at three in the goddamn morning because, apparently, he was the motherfucking Hokage and it was his job to be responsible for other people's messes. He had earned retirement and peace and the right to tell people not my fucking problem, asshole.

Naruto could just picture his afterlife... No more evil paperwork, no more cranky chakra beasts with egos the size of Konoha and opinions in his stomach, no more psychos with plans of world domination and stupid, overpowered bloodline limits. Why the hell had he wanted to become Hokage in the first place? Nobody told him it was gonna be like this. He didn't even know that collateral damage was a thing before he took the hat. So many forms, why, Lee, why? There's a reason for sub-clause three that clearly states no alcohol during missions! Never before had Naruto suffered from migraines and carpal syndrome. So much for Kurama's vaunted regeneration.

In other words, he was just so done with everything and everyone. Old man Sarutobi was in for a hell of a beating for feeding his young, impressionable mind such bullshit when Naruto met him again. Ero-sennin and Itachi, the clever bastards, had the right idea all along. They still did their duty to the village, got a badass S-rank reputation, and no one expected spies to file reports.

Naruto couldn't escape the horrors of paperwork even after he passed the hat to Sasuke's kid because then he got stuck with the advisory position. Like, what the fuck? He felt dirty just holding the same position as Danzō of all people. His only consolation was seeing Danzō's face when he told the slimeball his beloved village was now in the hands of an Uchiha. Naruto was really looking forward to that.

But, of course, that wasn't what happened. Being present for the delivery of two babies, having a medic-nin as a teammate, and being on Ino's shit-list when the blonde just happened to need a test subject for her new jutsu had given him an...intimate understanding of the birthing process. Naruto had learned that lesson well. Giving birth was traumatizing, and the Yamanaka were some vindictive mindfuckers. So it wasn't hard to connect the dots when he found himself being pushed out of the dark, warm, wet place he had previously thought was the in-between. Realizing it was, instead, the uterus of his new mother was a much bigger shock.

Why? Naruto screamed at the powers-that-loved-to-fuck-with-his-life-and-now-his-afterlife-too, with tears streaking down his cheeks, feeling cold, weak, hungry, and utterly disgusted.

Because you're everybody's bitch, Kurama helpfully supplied.

Oh, you're here, too. Naruto paused in the midst of crying, much uncoordinated flailing, and his new parents' joyous exclamations about tuna fish and cuteness. That's...great.

Arms wrapped around him, and something soft was shoved in his face. I'm being...breastfed, his cognitive abilities deduced, mouth latching onto the nipple on instinct because he was still half-blind and disoriented as hell. Weren't babies supposed to be incapable of higher thought processes or something? He then lamented.

Yeah, but you've got me. While you were drowning in denial and dreaming of your wife, I've been fixing up your new body, including your tiny human brain. Be grateful, brat. Kurama huffed in that oh-so-smug tone of his.

Naruto choked as he burst into fresh tears.