A/N: My contribution to the Castle Pornado for the weekend! Big thanks to Kris, Lindsey, Joan and Anja for the twitter conversation that inspired this as well as the TFLN twitter account and that line form the season 4 bloopers. I hope you all enjoy.
"So, then what do I do?" she asks, letting out a deep sigh as she screws her eyes shut, defeat weighing heavy in her bones. Castle is pulling away and she just... She has no idea how to fix it. But it's important. Hell, it's the most important thing she's got left, the only thing that's been keeping her afloat these last few months since her shooting. She can't lose him now, not after everything they've been through, after she put in the work and tried to heal for him, for them, after he told her he loved her.
"What do you want to do?"
"I want to fuck his brains out." Absolute mortification washes over her the moment she realizes she's just let those words come out of her mouth. "I'm sorry, that was- "
"Maybe you should," Burke tells her interrupting her apology, her attempt to back-peddle and take back the inappropriate answer, his voice as calm as ever, demeanour never changing. She does a double take.
Did her therapist really just give her the green light to sleep with Castle?
"Wait... Did you - What?" The words couldn't have come out more jumbled, but honestly, she must have heard him wrong, there's no way he would just-
"You forgot to filter your words for a moment and you let yourself say what was really on your mind, admitted what you really want. I think it's a good idea."
Her heart beats hard in her chest but her throat is clogged, her mind spinning as she reels from her therapist's suggestion.
"You... You really think I'm ready for that? That Castle and I are ready?"
"You'll never be fully ready to cross that line, Kate. There will always be insecurities and doubts to hold you back." Of course, he would choose this time to evade her question, give her the vaguest response and let her do the introspective work. But damn it, this time she needs answers, needs him to just give it to her straight. She doesn't have time to figure things out on her own if it means losing Castle in the process.
"You're serious about this?" She asks again for good measure.
"Consider it your homework for next week's appointment." She gapes at him, utterly shocked and unbelieving. She's dreaming. That's the only explanation for this because there is no way Dr. Burke just outright told her to go and have sex with Castle.
"I'm afraid our time is up for today," he continues before she can say anything else and she thinks she sees the faintest smile curling at the corner of his mouth. Oh, her therapist is having a field day with her, isn't he?
She should probably be more concerned about that than she is, but her mind is still on part of the conversation she'd had with Burke before her mouth betrayed her.
Castle is pulling away, either because he doesn't love her anymore, or to protect himself from her. She doesn't like either of those options but the first one leaves her feeling nauseous.
This is her fault. They need to talk. And maybe after - if things work out well - they can-
No. No, she can't get distracted by how much she wants him right now. She can't afford to be selfish. She'll get him to talk.
"Hey," he croaks out when she walks back towards him after having threatened Vales, still hunched over from Slaughter's punch to the stomach. "Thanks very much… For your help."
She's upset with him for being so damn stubborn, for pushing her and refusing to talk to her, for going to Slaughter of all cops for inspiration and ditching her. She put her job on the line for him today, simply because he asked... because she loves him.
He better damn well thank her. She's about to tell him that having each other's back is what partners are for but her session with Burke from earlier this week has her hesitating.
"I think you owe me," she says instead, her hands on her hips as she looks down at him, meeting his eyes.
He looks up, surprise crossing his features.
"I'll let you have the Ferrari for a week."
She rolls her eyes at his offer. "No," she refuses. "I want to talk."
"What?" He asks, standing up straighter now and meeting her gaze, clearly confused.
"You heard me," she insists. She isn't chickening out now. "We need to talk."
Kate watches his throat bob as he swallows hard, and it hurts, because damn it, he's trying to figure a way out of this, isn't he? Does he really hate her so much that even the thought of spending an hour with her talking is a chore now?
"I..." He starts and her heart sinks lower than she thought possible when it sounds like he's about to feed her some lame excuse. "Fine," he says instead, relenting even though it sounds like the last thing he wants to do and she lets out the breath she hadn't realized she'd been holding. "Okay."
She nods, grabs her jacket from the back of her chair and starts for the elevator. They aren't doing this here.
"Where are we going?" Castle asks as the elevator doors close and the metal box carries them down.
She hasn't really thought any of this through, hasn't planned any of it and the mere thought of having this conversation with him has a tight pressure pressing down on her chest, making it a little harder to breathe.
"My place," she says, sounding far more put together than she feels. She figures at least they won't be interrupted there and hopefully the sense of home will help her relax, help her get the words out right.
It's wishful thinking at best.
His jaw tenses at her answer and she sighs. Just a few weeks ago, she's absolutely sure that an invitation to her apartment would have had him jumping for joy. Now it looks like she's just told him she's taking him to lock up.
The car ride is awkward. She doesn't want to start anything now, not when she can't look at him and he's just... silent. It's unnerving because Castle is never silent. He's usually bustling with energy, talking her ear off or playing with the radio until she bats his hands away. But he's just staring out of the window, looking like he'd rather be anywhere but in the car with her.
It's a twenty-minute drive to her place and when she finally parks, she practically bolts out of the car, desperate to leave the somehow suffocating atmosphere.
She's glad when he follows her, doesn't try to make up some excuse to leave.
God, what a mess.
They ride the elevator up and she quickly unlocks the door to her apartment, leaving it open behind her for him to enter.
"You want some coffee?" She asks, already heading toward the kitchen. Yes, coffee is good, it's safe... Coffee used to mean so much more between them and she hopes she can still use it to diffuse some of this unbearable tension, to take down the giant wall he's managed to erect between them over the course of the last two weeks.
"Kate, why do you want to talk?" He asks instead of taking her up on her offer. His words stop her in her tracks and she turns to him, angry now.
"Oh, I don't know, maybe because you've been acting like I kicked your puppy these last few weeks," she bites out, failing to reign in her frustration. Damn it, she shouldn't be lashing out, didn't mean for it to come out sounding so aggressive, but she refuses to believe he's that clueless.
"It's not like you ever wanted me around anyway," he shoots back, his tone bitter and she recoils, his words like a slap in the face.
"What? Castle, you're my partner," she reminds him, her voice softer now, because he seems to have forgotten. If she really didn't want him around she would have managed to get rid of him a long time ago and she sure as hell wouldn't have given him that title. But he cuts her off.
"Oh sure, a partner you tried your best to get rid of for years. I should have just listened to the signs then."
What the hell?
"The signs? What are you even talking about?" She asks, confused because, sure, in the beginning she'd wanted him gone, but... things aren't the same now. She hasn't felt like that for a very long time.
"You never wanted me as a partner, Beckett," he repeats, practically spitting out the words and she's- she doesn't know what to say, how to show him that he's wrong, that she does want him around, that she wants him, period.
How could he even think otherwise after the swings, after she'd made it plain as day that he wouldn't be waiting for nothing.
Only, she'd never been that clear, had she? Always speaking in subtext, protecting her heart for fear of rejection. Always one foot out the door.
But she doesn't want that with him, not anymore. Castle is the only one who has ever made her want to dive in head first, to throw caution to the wind and cross the threshold with both feet.
And so, she makes the worst decision possible. She goes for him, her feet carrying her the rest of the distance between them and her arms reaching for the lapels of his dress shirt, her lips crashing over his.
He's stunned, his body going rigid against the length of hers for a second but then his arms come around her, his hands gripping her sides and pulling her in closer. Kate sighs when his lips move against hers, his teeth biting at her bottom lip and she can still feel the anger radiating off of him, his fingers bruising at her waist, his kisses harsh and fierce. But there's an underlying tenderness there too, like this is everything he wants but won't allow himself to have.
"Beckett." He calls out her name when they separate for air but no, no don't stop, not now, not when he's finally kissing her, touching her, not when she can finally feel how much he wants her against her stomach. "What are you doing?" He asks, confusion and hesitance lacing his voice, but she won't let him go, won't let him get away now that she's so close to finally having him.
She doesn't know how else to show him, how to communicate that she does want him around, never wanted him to leave.
"Kate," he says, and she moans at the violent swarm of butterflies that erupt in her stomach at the sound of her first name tumbling past his lips with so much want, so much unrestrained hunger.
"Homework," she pants and god, she has no idea why she's suddenly recalling her therapists' words from earlier that week but she doesn't have time to think about that right now.
She growls in frustration because her thoughts are a jumbled mess and she doesn't know how to even begin explaining that one. She pushes up on her toes and pulls him down to her again, sliding her lips over his, her tongue reaching out to tangle with his when he opens his mouth to her. Her fingers find purchase in his hair, grasping and tightening as she widens her legs and grinds down on his thigh to alleviate some of the tension building in her midsection. He groans, his hands moving from her waist to her backside, encouraging the movements of her lower body and a desperate little sound she doesn't even recognize builds up in her throat.
"I want you, Castle," she pants, breaking away from his mouth but staying close, pressing kisses to his jaw, his cheek, his neck. "As my partner." She sucks on the spot under his ear, revels in the way it seems to make his knees a little weak. "As more," she adds, dropping the subtext and hoping that this time she's making herself clear. "Let me show you?"
It comes out more uncertain than she'd like, more like a question than a request. But as much as she wants him, as much as it would kill her if he walked away from her right now, she won't do this if it's not what he wants. She pulls away slightly, only far enough to meet his dark eyes. "Please?"
She's afraid for a second that he'll refuse her and turn away, but then his hands, his large, soft hands are coming up to frame her cheeks, lifting her face up to his and he kisses her, his lips hot and demanding.
Yes. God yes, this is what she wants, what she needs.
"I want you too, Kate. So goddamn much," he swears against the skin at her jaw, kissing, licking and nipping his way down until he reaches her neck and the edge of her shirt. Her legs grow weak as he nudges aside the material for better access to her skin and her fingers tighten in his hair, holding him to her. He growls, frustrated with the way her turtleneck restricts his access to her skin.
"Bed," she gasps when his hands make their way under her shirt, spanning her waist and moving up, setting her skin on fire, until he reaches the underwire of her bra. Her knees go weak, but she forces herself to stay upright; she's the one who should be making him weak, making him lose control. "Take me to bed, Castle."
He hoists her up with his hands gripping the back of her thighs and her arms coil around his neck, holding on as he carries her into her bedroom. She just can't seem to control the way her hips undulate against his, the movement almost a reflex, like the need to scratch an itch and her lower body throbs with need, yearns for him, for his touch.
She muffles a laugh against his shoulder when he clips his elbow against the doorframe, hissing slightly.
"Sorry," she whispers, biting down on her bottom lip but... she can't say it's the sincerest apology she's ever made. His body just feels so good pressed against her.
"Don't be," he growls, biting down on her neck and she sighs, her grip tightening around the material of his shirt. "Don't ever be sorry for that. For being so close, for wanting me. God, Kate."
She moans and she's not sure if it's from the salacious sound of his voice, his words or the kisses he presses behind her ear - hell, it's probably from the combination of all three - but all she knows is that she never wants this to stop, doesn't want this moment to end.
His grip on her thighs loosen and she lets her feet fall to the ground. She takes a second to reclaim her balance but then she's on him, practically tearing his shirt off, a few buttons flying but she doesn't care. She wants to see him, all of him, wants the soft warm skin pressed against hers as she rides him.
The mental image sends a pulsing wave of heat through her core and as soon as she's managed to rid him of his shirt she goes straight for his belt. She makes quick work of his pants too and then she slips her hand past the elastic band of his briefs, taking him in hand and loving the way he grows even harder under her touch.
"Kate, Kate, Kate," he repeats her name like a prayer, begging, his large palms encompassing her waist and she doesn't think she's ever felt so powerful. She's never wanted anyone more fiercely either, never felt the kind of burning desire for anyone else the way she feels now, like the flames will consume her from the inside out if she doesn't have him.
"Not fair," he pants, his hands bunching at the hem of her shirt and he pulls it up and off of her in one quick move. All the oxygen leaves her lungs when his fingers bypass the material of her bra, sliding under to cup her breasts. Her insides clench with need and she moans, louder than she remembers ever doing at this stage, when he swipes his thumbs over her nipple.
Castle captures the sound with his lips, swallowing it whole with the work of his tongue over hers. Suddenly remembering where her hands are, she pumps her fingers over his rigid length, relishing the way he reacts to her touch, his palms clenching around her breasts, their mouths still fused.
He moves around to her back to unfasten her bra and wastes no time before moving down to the button of her pants. Kate's breathing gets shallow, her center throbbing, core pulsing from having him so close, feeling the heat of him even through layers of clothing.
His hands move away from her breasts and she immediately misses the heat of his touch but he moves down and she feels her cheeks get infinitely warmer as he pulls down her zipper and tugs her pants down the length of her legs. He bends down, tugging the tight material past her feet and her hands grip his hair when he looks back up and his face is level with her abdomen.
Fuck, she wants to know what it feels like to have him down there, to have him taste her, but she also just needs him, and so she tugs on his hair, urging him back up to her. They'll have plenty of time for that later. Not to mention, she's pretty eager to return the favour. Later. Definitely later.
She nudges his shoulder, swapping their positions and pushing down on his chest so that he sits on the bed. Kate follows him as he scoots up the mattress, like an animal stalking her prey on all fours until she's directly above him, straddling his lap, close enough to feel how much he wants her against her thighs. She moans when her nipples graze his chest and he lifts his head to capture her mouth in a searing kiss. Her lower body rocks against his, desperate for friction, to stoke the flame he's lit in the pit of her stomach. She groans when his hips lift up to meet hers, matching her movements and he captures her bottom lip between his teeth, his hands gripping her ass and holding her to him.
Her panties are soaked through and with anyone else but Castle she'd probably be embarrassed by how wet she is, the way she can feel it pooling down to her thighs. She doesn't think she's ever been this aroused in her life.
And then she remembers that this is Castle underneath her, the man who loves her, who has stood by her side for the past four years, the man she can't imagine her life without and suddenly she's impatient. She tugs in the soft material of his boxers and he lift his hips off the mattress to help her. Castle rids her of her panties the moment she's thrown his boxers to the floor and then they are completely bare to each other. She thought she'd feel more vulnerable, more exposed and small with her scars on full display, but she's never felt safer. His arms loop around her waist, his large hands spanning the length of her back. His tongue darts out to lave at the puckered skin between her breasts, his lips reverent against the scar that marks her survival and a fresh wave of heat pulses through her.
"You're so beautiful," he whispers, his lips migrating to her collarbone, her neck, her cheek. He pulls back to meet her eyes for a second and she can see the question in his gaze, asking for permission, making sure she still wants this before they're finally connected.
This sweet, sweet man.
Kate's hands fly to his face, her palms landing on his cheeks and she surges forward to capture his mouth, her tongue reaching out to tangle with his when he grants her access.
"I've never been more sure of anything," she answers his silent question when they part, her eyes meeting his to ensure that he knows she means it. "Please, Castle," she sighs, dusting her lips over his, but he doesn't make her wait a second longer.
He reaches down, quickly positioning himself at her entrance and enters her in one swift move. They both gasp, and Kate's fingers trail up to his hair, gripping the soft strands between her fingers, doing her best to hold on as a wave of pure ecstasy washes over her. He fills her up so well, hitting every spot inside her in a way that has her muscles clenching, leaves her blood feeling like liquid fire in her veins.
Fuck, this is going to be embarrassingly fast. She's already so close, it's a miracle she didn't come just from his first thrust inside her. He waits her out, gives her the time she needs for her body to adjust, always ready to follow her lead but the last thing she wants right now is more waiting. They've done enough waiting for a lifetime.
With her body still plastered to his, chest to chest and her face turned into the cove of his neck, she swivels her hips, moving up and then back down over him in smooth motions. Castles hands are everywhere, stroking her back, up from her shoulders and back down to her waist, sometimes moving south to squeeze her ass, encouraging the movement of her hips. He meets her every stroke, and his lips kiss every inch of her he can reach, her crown, her brow, her nose.
She twists her hips on her way down and Castle groans, his pelvis shooting up to meet her more forcefully and something that sounds like a mewl slips past her lips.
"Yes, fuck, Castle, harder," she pants, and the expletive seems to spur him on. Kate lets her hands drift from his hair down to his chest, rising up to meet him thrust for thrust and she feels her orgasm building, coiling tightly in her abdomen.
Her moans get louder, but she's lost all control, doesn't know how to keep her voice down, completely taken over by the intense heat slowly building inside her.
And then Castle pushes his upper body up off the mattress to meet her, their bodies colliding in a sweaty, tangled mess, sandwiching her nerves and he thrusts into her deeper than before. She crashes hard, her orgasm hitting her like a freight train and propelling her over the edge into the realm of white, hot, oblivion, with his name on her lips.
She feels Castle come inside her, his entire body clenching, his hands branding around her, holding her tightly to him and the sounds of pure pleasure leaving his lips prolong her bliss.
They stay like that for a few seconds, her depraved lungs struggling to take in oxygen. Her muscles begin to relax and she lets her body unfurl, leaning against him. Castle leans back slowly to rest against the mattress, taking her with him and she practically purrs as she settles comfortably in his arms, her head pillowed over his chest. She's not usually one to cuddle after sex, but honestly, that doesn't even begin to cover what she just experienced with Castle.
She doesn't think she's ever come this hard in her life, doesn't think she's ever let herself go so completely. It's different with him. Everything is different.
Wow, he's even got her all sappy and soft and sentimental. Damn, she's got it bad.
"What are you smiling about?" He murmurs, his lips brushing against her temple. Kate feels a familiar warmth, a spark of arousal in her mid-section but she can't be sure whether it's from the deep sated sound of his voice or the fingers he's been trailing up and down the length of her spine.
"Just happy," she whispers into his skin and he hums, his arms tightening around her waist.
"I'm happy too, Kate," he admits, but he's shifting from beneath her. He doesn't go far, turning only so that he can face her. "So happy," he repeats, his hand coming up to brush a strand of hair from her face, tucking it behind her ear, cradling her cheek in his palm.
"Can I ask you something?" he asks, a look of confusion and curiosity flashing across his face.
She hums in answer, giving him permission, tilting her head towards his hand, seeking his touch.
"Earlier, when I asked you what you were doing, what did you mean by 'homework'?" She sobers up real fast, groaning and turning away from him, hiding her face in the pillow.
Shit, had she really said that? Had she really been so far gone, so deeply entrenched in her own arousal to allow herself to mention homework from her therapist?
There is no way she's telling him she told her therapist that she wanted to fuck his brains out. No. Way. His head would never fit through the door again.
"Hey, don't hide from me now," he laughs at her reaction, his hand spanning across her lower back and damn it if that touch alone doesn't have her biting back a moan. She wants him. Again.
"Come on, it can't be that bad," he reasons, trying his best to convince her because he's desperate to know now, isn't he?
"Maybe I could persuade you to tell me?" He suggests, trailing kisses over her bare shoulder, the smooth skin of her back, her neck, just below her ear, and oh, oh yes, he just found that spot.
She turns, hungry for his kiss, for him, and she sighs when he meets her half way, his lips capturing hers, tongues coming together in a tender caress.
She meets his gaze when they part for air and she can see the glint in his eyes, a glimpse of just how much he's going to enjoy this challenge.
Castle rolls over her, his hips rocking into hers and she's surprised to find him ready for another round so soon. After four years of anticipation, she's certain they're going to be insatiable.
Kate lifts her arms up, her fingers tangling in his hair. "I think you can try, but I'm warning you, that one's going to take a lot of work."
"Oh, believe me, Detective, I can be very persuasive."