The alarm clock rang, and a fist quickly came down to smash it. A component hit him in the eye, causing him to jolt up and clutch it. This morning; every morning, he broke the alarm clock... and got hit in the eye. And every afternoon he had to get a new alarm clock.

Volga blindly reached for his helmet, tied his hair and pulled it through the helmet, and got up. He had no need to change his clothes, because he'd knocked himself out drunk last night in them. He didn't bother to shower, as he only did that once a month- and even though the others, Ghirahim and Cia particularly, hated him for it- he didn't give half a damn.

As rose up from the pile of gold, and attempted to make his way toward the entrance, he suddenly felt something cutting into his little toe. The berserker winced, and lifted the object out of the way. Probably that sword Ganondorf hated so much, that he gave it- or rather threw it straight at Volga's face and permanently blinded him when the dragon knight asked.

He carried on his merry way, accidentally piercing the sole of his foot of a few sharp crystals along the way. Volga, as expected of a dragon, was a massive bloody hoarder, if you lost something around the fortress, good chance it ended up in Volga's lair; pennies, purses, books, jewellery, swords, cooking equipment, your pet squid, weapons of mass destruction, your will to live, and more. Especially the last one. Once or twice, Volga unwittingly picked up Wizzro's ring form. He sincerely hopes there won't be a third time.

He reached for the handle, and pushed it forward. He took a step outside his room, and boy, was it outside. The next thing he felt was few seconds of weightlessness, air blowing in his face- and the crunch of his feet on hard tile. Volga was very much used to this by now. But what he wasn't used to was this cacophony of an argument that he just walked- or rather, fell, in on.

"It's seven thirty- look at my watch!"

"Such a claim of utter absurdity- that watch made you three hours late to Sephiroth's birthday party!"

"No, that time I lost my watch to Volga and had to borrow Ganondorf's,"

"Enough with the lies, Demise. That watch has been going on for five hundred years, and every time it stopped working you wound it up again- sure, few seconds lost during the time, but few seconds over centuries adds up!"

"No, it doesn't, you just simply can't appreciate the value of an antique that holds more merit than modern day technology,"

"There's a reason modern day technology exists, it's because the old ways were unreliable- why, hello, Volga..."

Honestly, Volga had no idea how in Hyrule this couple functioned.

"Hey Ghira, hey Demise,"

"Oi Volga, needa ask ya something," the berserker could feel hot, fiery breath in his face, and a hand waving about in the air. "is this watch accurate?"

There was an awkward silent, but without the crickets as they were still in fear of Majora bringing the moon down upon them.

"I'm blind, dumbass."

Just then, all the crickets forgot about the death-threat and started chirping as loud as they could. The noise was deafening. Buildings were collapsing, babies were crying and all the Links were screaming at the top of their lungs in sheer terror. Looks like Volga wouldn't just be blind, but deaf too.

That all came to an end when a window in the twenty-first room on the sixty-ninth floor of the fortress slammed right open. Then, all was silent. Shortly afterward, the window slammed shut.

"No idea how he- she, whatever it is does it- I mean, I'm the father of all evil and even I couldn't get the crickets to shut up back in my day!"

"...Well, now we know what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object," Ghirahim remarked. "I will make note to alert Fi that the age-old question has finally been solved."

A large swish was heard, and shortly after the demon lord's yelp.

"Not until we get the issue with the watch over,"

"For the love of Din, Demise, you're tearing into my shoulder- ow, ow, ow!"

Volga took his chance to jump off the edge of the balcony once more. Didn't matter if he broke all the bones in his body, it was probably less painful than listening to these two bicker all day.

Sure, he could transform into a dragon to stop his fall, but Volga being Volga, he considered that to be wuss-like behaviour. With whistle, and three minutes of falling, and thunderous crunch was heard. Surprisingly enough, he hadn't broken all his bones! But the mournful wail that came from behind him answered why.

"You killed Ravioli!" Dark cried.

Volga could feel something warm and wet pooling up around his hands and knees. He stumbled back, wincing as he felt was could only be a rib dig into his palm. He heard someone run down the stairs, trip up, then go back to running. He was promptly flung three metres into the air, and landed squarely on his back.

"So, how did you revive him last time?" Impa asked. Despite being fired for lacing raisins in cookies, she still comes around every day out of sheer boredom. Sometimes Ganondorf even pays her, that is, when he forgets she's supposed to be fired.

"I plan'ed 'is nose. 'e took three days ta grow back,"

Volga felt himself being lifted off the ground by a pair of long, skinny arms.

"Now let's get you cleaned up; can't have you looking like ya killed someone at the barbie,"

"I kinda just did- and what's this about a barbecue? Why didn't you tell me?"

"Actually I only came up with the plan three minutes ago. Hoping I can get Ganondorf to approve it,"

"Zant... Ganondad's the most antisocial person I know- ya really think he'd let you host a barbecue when you've only come up with the plan three minutes ago?"

And with that, Volga was lowered into a bathtub, clothes still on. The water began to smell of iron and rotting meat.

"Trust me, I've got my ways. Now go ahead and scrub yaself clean, I'll be here to make sure ya don't drown or somethin'."

"Not sure I'll be able to come, gotta get meself a new alarm clock-"

"Prepared ahead of time," Zant said as he handed the still-wet Volga a box.

"Why, isn't that nice of you..." Volga turned to him, staring deeply, or at least that's what he thought he was doing. In reality, he was looking in the direction of a rubber duck. A rubber duck with a red cap...

In a flash of light, there was a huge leap through the air, and before you could say "Yeet", Volga was thrust head-down underwater with fat, hairy fingers around his neck. The fingers were pulled off, and he heard alot of smashing, splashing and the toilet flushing.

"He killed by baby Ravioli!" came a hoarse, New-Yorker accent.

"Mario it was an accident. Besides, he'll grow back once Dark plants his nose-"

"Plants his nose?! This happened before?!"

"Once again, Mario it was an accident-"

"That's it, I ain't never lettin' my precious Ravioli be 'round you shady-ass mafia folk ever again!"

Volga simply got up, tip-toed out of the tub, grabbed a towel, and ran off down the hallway- falling flat on his face, before getting up and running again. He took a turn down the left, only to once again fall, this time into something soft. And squishy. And warm.

He was promptly shoved off, when a high feminine voice screamed;

"Look what you've done- my cookies are all over the floor now!"

It was Cia.

With the sound of sobbing, the sorceress scooped up her biscuits, and if Volga could see he would know that she was holding them to her bosom like a peasant mother would her children who died of the Black Plague in 1349 despite her best efforts to place lavender near their bedsides.

"Y-You looked so fudgy... so chocolate-y..." she choked through tears. "t-the p-perf-fect d-dess-ssert-t-t f-f-for t-t-the-e-e b-barbec-c-cue!"

If the crickets weren't going to make him deaf, then this god-awful stuttering was.

"You were on the barbecue plan too?"

"O-o-o-f course. Never been to one in my whole life- Rosalina didn't want me socialising with any of those godless-heathens. Did I mention she was an Evangelical Christian?"

Volga stared in disbelief, or at least would have if he could.

"Anyhow, you're going to have to help me bake some new ones! Come on," she said, dragging him off the floor by his arm and leading him to the kitchen. For some reason the heating was god-awful here, especially if you wanted a cup of coffee after your bath that god hijacked by Mario.

Speaking of Mario, he was complaining to Ganondorf in the hallway, the latter already nodding off.

However, Volga had little time to eavesdrop when Cia thrusted an apron over his shoulders.

"Hey, you in this plane of existence?" she said, lightly tapping his face. However, before he could answer she handed him a little semi-crinkled up note.

"Alrighty you read this and- oh, oh..."

One little cricket out in the middle of Hyrule field started to chirp, but was promptly slapped on the shoulder by his comrade. But alas, Majora was sick and tired of these goddamn crickets and their goddamn chirping everytime something awkward happened. The moon had began its course.

The rumbling didn't miss Volga's ears, nor Cia's nor that of everyone on, I dunno, the whole planet!

Cia once again snatched Volga's arm, and before long he could feel the soft dirt and Ravio's bludgeoned corpse fly beneath his feet. He heard a crash few steps short of where they had been, as a little hard chunk managed to hit him in his nigh-lifeless eye, causing him to yelp.

Meteors.

His companion screamed as one hit her square in the stomach. Her pace faltered, and her breaths became laboured. Without a moment's notice, Volga scooped her up and started running.

"Volga the bunker is to the left!"

The berserker immediately span left en-prompt, nearly slamming straight into the metal door before Cia slipped off, and unlocked it. She resumed her position clinging onto him as they stumbled down the steps to the cellar.

"Barbie down in the bunker, everyone!" came a thick Australian accent.

As more and more people joined them, revived Ravio with the help of a fairy included, Zant continued to holler until Ganondorf promptly put a hand over his mouth and dragged him down with them.

"Not unless you want carbon monoxide poisoning, moron."

The bunker was very, very dark- not like that changed anything for Volga. But having fifteen or so people all stumbling around a cramped space was less than optimal.

"My God, you needn't worry about gas- I was planning on it being electric!"

"An electric barbecue? That takes away the whole point of it being a barbecue! Might as well boil it in a pot with no salt while you're at it-" Mario cried in his New Yorker accent.

"I thought you 'ere Italian," Dark mumbled, snuggled close to Ravio.

"Italian-American, and you get your filthy chav hands off my boy!"

"Shan't."

A muffled crash sounded, and the ground beneath them shook.

"Great, now we're gonna have to order another moon from Rosalina. Second time this year!" Onox grunted.

"Hi, I'm Daisy!"

Everyone groaned, even CDi Link.

"I didn't get to have lunch; I'm so hungry, I could eat an Octorock!"

The snap of light-switch sounded, as Zant towered over them all, religious-bowlcut, turtleneck and all.

"Luckily for you all, I always carry around and electric grill and a Yeti freezer with me in hammer-space at all times!"

Promptly, a thud sounded followed by Big the Cat's cry.

"I wish Mister Froggy was here... he left to get the milk when I was five." he sobbed.

"No worries pal, get a meal in you and you'll feel all better- oh look, some frog from thirteen years ago!"

Big howled, and Volga clamped his hands over his ears. Now he was sincerely wishing he'd go deaf.

"Psst, hey!" It was Cia. "Think he might have a mini-oven there too?"

"Oi Zant, any chance ya got a mini-oven too?" Volga outright screamed without thinking, like the absolute idiot he is.

"You betcha!"

This time, however, the oven fell on Volga, and knocked him out.

When he awoke, there was a little paper plate with what smelled like some pepperoni pizza and what felt like some cookies.

"Ya awake, mate?" Zant called.

Volga heaved himself up, taking care not to knock over his plate. To his surprise, the bunker was pretty much empty.

"How long was I out?" he said in that tone that all tough, burly men with motorcycles say when they've been awoken and find themselves in some rundown shack conveniently run by a conventionally attractive woman with full face make-up, silky hair and smooth skin despite being in the middle of an apocalypse-

"Five hours. The moon's laid waste to everything in a two-mile radius; awfully weak for a moon. Luckily, Rosalina's here with a backup. Unfortunately, Rosalina's here and Cia has run down the formally sealed up door to the rest of this incomplete dungeon- did I mention Our God-"

"Your god," Volga grunted.

"Our God started building this place seven years ago but stopped 'cause he got bored and instead reformed it into a bunker?"

"I wasn't there."

"Well I was. Now eat up your pizza and choccy-chip cookies- unfortunately Big threw up on the roast frog, so we had to resort to frozen pizza."

Just then, Cia came running out of the door, sweat beading down her forehead and platinum hair sticking to her skin, slammed it behind her and pushed the electric grill in front of it. All within just ten seconds!

"Forgot Armagohma and all her buddies live down there. Caught them playing strip-poker- I can never see King Bulbin the same way again!"

However, unfortunately for her, a set of heels came clacking down the stairs just then.

"Cia."

Despite never having met her, Volga's heart froze.

"You know what, I think I've got game of strip-poker with Argarok- cia~!"

"I won't be having any of that in my Good Christian Household™!" Rosalina hollered in a deep, booming voice, as she tucked up her skirts and ran after her.

After that was over with, Volga took a bite of his pizza. Cold. He attempted to breathe some fire on it, but he only ended up burning it. Great, burnt pizza. Zant promptly snatched the pizza out of his hand, and stuffed a cookie in its place.

"Just take the cookies, and come!"

For the third, fourth time this day, Volga was lead by the arm and out into the open, night air. And by open, I mean open. Volga may not have been able to see™, but he sure as hell felt the cold night air blowing from sides where brick walls had been. The place was a wasteland. The Hero of Time was attempting to play a shitty-fluted rendition of the Song of Time through his sobs while having a panic attack, before having it snatched away from him by his Zelda who was currently in her Sheik-getup.

Majora rose from the ashes, wide eyes blank as usual. Time put on the Fierce Deity's mask and made a dash for the demon, and attempted to pummel it to the ground. However, Majora retaliated with a sharp kick to the gut, having transformed into Majora's Wrath. Before long, there was a crowd circling around them. The overwhelming majority cheered for Link, and those who didn't were soon reminded that their homes had been destroyed by Majora, and joined in.

Just as Time was going to give the final blow, Demise himself rose from the rubble beneath them, donning a clean dressing-gown with mug of boiling hot coffee somehow not tainted by the debris in his hand.

"Oi, wass all-a dis?!" he bellowed... in a Scottish accent.

Everyone stared dumbfounded.

"What are yer all lookin' at? And where in Hylia's cursed name is me room?!"

Ghirahim gingerly climbed over the rubble, his clothes dirty and his makeup gone, and tapped Demise' shoulder.

"Well Master, um, you see the moon fell down and destroyed everything-"

"Ay, can see that much! Whaddya think I am, blind?"

Volga decided to take this as an insult and go in guns ablazing, despite Zant's attempts to restrain him. He ran up, taking care not to trip over the rubble, and lunged. And soon after, hit the ground.

"Anyhow," Demise continued, paying little heed to Volga cursing and attempting to drag him down by the ankles. "I wanna know which bugger did this."

In 0000.0001 nanoseconds, everyone pointed to Majora, even those in the far reaches of Nibelheim.

"Poor work Maj, expected more from yer," he tutted.

However, from the depths of the bunker, rose Rosalina, arm linked with King Bulbin's, followed by all the other bosses from Twilight Princess.

"Fear not," Rosalina cried.

"For we shall found a new, God-fearing city in the ashes of this sinful one," King Bulbin declared in the most stereotypical, southern, red-neck accent imaginable. "And with my bride-to-be, Lady Rosalina, I shall teach all the little children the ways of our Lord and Saviour- Chris Pratt!"

There was a silence. Immediately, Sheik threw Time the Ocarina- but alas, Twilight leapt up in wolf form, ran off, and tossed it into the river.

"There," Twilight said in a redneck accent, still a wolf.

HAHA, LEFT YOU ALL ON A CLIFFHANGER! Could go ahead and and apologise for this being late, but let's be honest, it's always late. Anyhow, hope you all enjoy the first chapter of the year! u w u