Okay... so this will be my latest fiction. It's "comedy", or at least that's what I wanted it to be. The jokes may tend to be a bit (oh, VERY) corny. But I don't really care, actually. Sure, I want the readers to be happy, but the first priority will be my own satisfactory. And, yes, thank you for reminding me that I'm very selfish. But there will be a little surprise for all of you, don't worry.
title: Raiha Rescue
Squad (how corny *sulks*)
genre: humor/action/adventure (*squeak*)
rating: somewhere between G and PG, you decide
author: Cherie--hey that's me.
beta-reader: Hume Esper (thankies)
Raiha Rescue Squad
- - casefile #000 : the formation - -
"We're running out of food, Kurei-sama!" Neon yelped when she opened the official Uruha refrigerator.
"Including peanut butter?" Kurei piped out behind the evening papers.
Neon re-checked the poor fridge. "OH!! Yes!! Including peanut butter!! It's gone too!"
"Oh great," Joker remarked with a tinge of happiness in his voice. "I'm sick of that disgusting stuff anyway."
"But now we have nothing to eat!" Raiha cried anxiously.
Kurei heaved a deep sigh and motioned everyone to calm down. "Neon, are you sure that we have no more food left?"
"One-hundred percent positive, Kurei-sama."
"Okay. Now, we have come to the moment where we lack--"
"Can't you just go straight to the point?!" Joker protested.
The flame-caster shot him a death glare from behind his mask. "You have to find a job."
"A job??" Neon repeated her master's word. "What do you mean, Kurei-sama?"
"Yeah, Kurei-han, what do you mean?" asked the man with the baseball cap. "We're the Uruha! We're supposed to be filthy rich with dirty money!! We aren't here to go around, 'looking' for a job!"
Raiha raised his finger and suggested embarrassedly, "My culinary skills are quite good. I can be a cook if you want, Kurei-sama."
"Liar!!" Joker pointed at his comrade accusingly. "Your so-called 'culinary skills' could only bake feet-flavored bread!!"
"Hey!! I used super dependable French cookbooks!"
"You can't even read French, Raiha," Kurei pointed out calmly. Raiha immediately shut up, with a red face. Joker stuck out his tongue at the ninja victoriously.
The Uruha leader cleared his throat proudly. "Anyway. I know that real life could be annoying at times, but face it. We are running out of cash, and food. The only way to solve this problem is to find a job. And, no, Raiha, please do not try to be a cook. Tomorrow, you three start looking for ads. Tonight, we shall eat..."
"What?" The remaining three asked curiously.
Kurei opened a drawer and took out a box with a stamp that literally spelled Weight Reduction Program. Or in the Uruha's language, "Pure Deadly Evil".
"OHH!!! Not Neon-han's diet food!!" Joker shrieked in horror, grabbing his Taishaku Kaiten.
"I have kept this box hostage from one year ago. I was sure that this very box would be useful at desperate times. My prediction proved itself to be right," Kurei announced.
"So THAT'S why I never got the package!" Neon realized with beaming eyes. "Now it's a lifesaver! I'm so proud!"
Scanning the box skeptically, Raiha said, "I doubt that it will be be a life-saver, Neon-san. More like a death sentence."
"Just eat it." Kurei answered with a finishing tone, obviously annoyed.
The Uruha leader took the packet of soup graciously, ignoring the hissing Joker behind his back. ("Suicide!! Suicide! Eating this is suicide, I tell you!!") Kurei grabbed an empty bowl and made his way to his private room.
Neon, after re-checking the expiration date, drank the diet chocolate milk. "This isn't so bad... The taste's pretty funny, but it's still edible... I think..." She said hesitantly. She was very hungry, so she doubled the amount of the liquid, into two sachets of DIET milk.
"Hmm..." Raiha pondered. "Joker-san, are you going to eat the cookies?"
"I will never touch any of those, even though I'm starving to death!!"
"Okay, I'll take them," replied the ninja cheerfully, opening a packet of chocolate cookies fearlessly. Apparently, the dreadful taste was absent, replaced by a sweet sugary feel in every bite. "Wow! These cookies are good!! Wanna try one, Joker-san, before I eat the last piece?" He offered kindly.
"I SAID--NO!! NO!! RAI--*chew* *chew*--Okay... The taste's quite okay..." Joker admitted after swallowing the cookie Raiha had forcefully shoved into his mouth.
Raiha grinned happily. "See? Raiha never lies!"
"Well, you lied when you said you can cook," Neon pointed out, wiping her mouth with a pink tissue paper. "Rasen's cooking is far better than yours. At least he knows that carrots are supposed to be orange, not purple." She added after throwing the scrunched tissue paper into a trash can. The ninja pouted.
Joker beamed gleefully at Raiha. "Raiha-han, you don't happen to have some more cookies with you?"
"No," was Raiha's short answer. Joker looked very sad. "But I'm still very hungry!!"
"Eat the cereal, if so," A red-haired lady answered his plight.
Joker started his endless whining. "I DON'T LIKE DIET CEREALS! They taste almost like Raiha-han's escargot!"
"Will you stop rubbing it in?!" Raiha snapped. "I know I suck at cooking... But you guys are too mean!!"
"Aaw!! Now Joker, look what you've done!! You made our ninja cry!!" Neon scolded Joker as a preschool teacher would do of her three-year-old students.
The man with a baseball cap groaned. "Fine, fine, I'm sorry!! But I'm still hungry!"
Neon rolled her eyes in devastation. She took the cereal pouch and threw it to Joker's face violently. "The cereal is your last resort," She said, and went for a goodnight sleep. Raiha followed her.
For the rest of the night, they slept with Joker's pathetic howling as a lullaby. "I HATE CEREALS!!!"
the next morning
"Alright, everybody up!!" Kurei hollered to his microphone as the morning sun bid them hello. The Uruha woke up reluctantly. They wouldn't rise from their beds until Kurei sprayed some cold water on their faces. And he even had to tug Joker's rasta-braided hair in order to get him up.
"What's your problem..." Joker murmured as he snuggled deeper into his bed's comforting warmth.
Kurei was ready to hit his head with a baseball bat when Raiha attacked the pajama-clad Joker. The ninja's talented fingers easily found their way to the darkest pits of Joker's body. Kurei gave his ninja an approving smile and lowered his bat. Joker's body immediately tensed and he started to struggle.
"ACK!! RAIHA-HAN, GET OFF ME!! GET OFF, GET OFF, GET OFF!!!"
"Wake up, Joker-san!! It's six-thirty!"
"OKAY, OKAY, JUST QUIT TICKLING ME!!!"
Raiha stopped his swarming fingers and brushed them against each other, as if one would do after finishing one heavy task. Well, waking a Joker up was not a fairly easy one, he had to admit. "You'll miss the breakfast, you know," he carelessly reprimanded his friend as he strolled out of the room.
"Don't tell me you're cooking. I've had enough with the nightmares, attacking me all night," Joker answered, yawning soundly.
"Oh, but you seem to enjoy your slumber so much," Kurei commented. He nudged his head to the direction of the bathroom. "Shower quickly, and meet us at the living room." Then he went out Joker's room, closing the door behind him.
half an hour later
A fresh-looking Joker emerged from the shower room with a towel hanging from his neck. He took a seat beside Neon, who was reading the morning newspapers. Raiha stood not far from them, checking the mail that got in this morning.
"Bills. Bills. Bills. Oh, Neon-san, look, a letter from your uncle. Bills. Eh...some...fan mail?" He asked himself. Slipping two envelopes into his pocket, he continued shuffling the mail with a flushing face. "Bills. Gee, the post-office must've done some kind of mistake. The number of bills tripled this month."
"It's not their fault, Raiha," Neon said, not lifting her eyes off the newspaper. "Joker held a wild party last week, when we were out on a mission with Kurei-sama."
Joker grinned sheepishly. "Neon-han," He began, "What's for breakfast?"
"Raiha found three eggs in the dark recesses of our fridge, so we had scrambled eggs. But you missed it."
"What?! So... You left me here to starve?!"
"Not really. You can have some diet cereal."
"NOOO!!! Neon-han, you can't do this to me!! I'll die eating it!!" Joker wailed like a crybaby.
At this very chaotic moment, Kurei walked in with three red permanent markers in his slender hand. He gave each of his Uruha one marker without saying a word.
Raiha looked at the marker in confusion. "What is this for, Kurei-sama?"
"Use that to circle ads," Kurei spoke. He took out three newspapers from his robe's pocket, and took the one Neon was holding. "You are going to find a job. Since your academic experience aren't very well, stick with part-time ones. I spent 6700 yen for the newspapers, so don't make me regret it."
Joker's jaw dropped to the floor. Neon kicked it back to place. Raiha accepted a newspaper from Kurei and stared at it. "Are you sure this is going to work, Kurei-sama?"
"Actually, no. But try your best, anyway. If all else fails, start your own business."
"You MUST have some money in your bank account!!" Joker said.
His master shook his head. "When we separated from Mori, he blocked all my accounts. No more chit-chat. Find yourself a job, or else you don't get any lunch."
two hours later
Neon yawned and looked up from her newspaper. "Hey, Raiha, what did you find?"
Raiha's eyes scanned his newspaper, "Hmm... so far, the only thing that will probably suits me... maybe a job in the supermarket. What about you?"
"A waitress in the cafe. Ah, I never really liked this sort of job, they make my beautiful legs hurt so much..."
Joker snorted from behind his own paper. Neon glared at her friend and asked, "Ha!! You didn't find anything, did you?"
"I found lots," He answered matter-of-factly. "But I think I can pass as a grooming guy in the poodle salon."
Neon gaped. "Poodle salon?! You don't mean the one that just opened last week, do you??"
"Yes, that one."
"I thought you were allergic to fluffy poodles!! Plus, you're afraid of their fleas!!"
Joker quickly countered her defensively, "That was last week!! In a week, I've developed a love for certain fluffy dogs!!"
She laughed. "Yeah, suit yourself, weirdo."
"Hey, Neon-san," Raiha asked, "Did Kurei-sama really said that we must find a job today?"
"Yeah. Quite impossible, isn't it?"
"The odds of us finding a good job is the same like poodles loving Joker-san. No offense," He quickly added after seeing that Joker had grabbed a slipper upon his remark. "Oh well. When do we start our tedious job-hunt, then?"
"The faster, the better," Neon replied, getting up from her previous sitting position. "Oww, my back's cramped after leaning down for so long..." She stretched and yawned.
Joker snickered. "You're getting OLD~!"
"I am NOT!!"
"OLD HAG!! Hag!! Hag!!"
Neon grabbed another slipper and hit Joker ferociously. Satisfied that Joker's forehead was badly hurt, she continued. "Okay, so let's go. We split up, and meet back at the city park on one pm, agreed?"
thirteen hundred hours
A lady with fire-colored hair fanned herself with her newspaper. She glanced at her watch and sighed. Where were all her friends? They were supposed to meet her here! Ah, boys. They were always late. Then her mind drifted off to a certain masked person. But Kurei-sama's different, she thought proudly. Kurei-sama is a man, not a boy.
"Neon-han!" A boy called.
The previously mentioned woman turned her head to the direction of the caller. "Well it's about time you're here, Joker."
"Hee-hee. The salon's owner insisted that poodles must be groomed using special shampoo. I think everything works well," He answered, taking a seat beside her. "Poodles aren't any different with other kinds of dogs. I took care of dear Snoopy-han when I was a child, and he was a pit bull terrier. Still, Snoopy-han loved me as much as I love joking around."
"Wow," Neon remarked uninterestedly. "He must've loved you a lot."
Joker was about to reply when someone approached them. "Hi guys," The newcomer greeted with a sad smile.
"Raiha? Did you succeed?" asked Neon, curiosity getting the better of her.
He shook his head resentfully. "Naah. I tried my best to convince the store manager than I am a diligent worker, but she wouldn't believe me. Why? Only because I have long hair!!"
Neon stifled a laughter, but Joker wasn't too wise. "HA!! Only because of your long girly hair?"
"It's not girly!! I don't know, she seems to think that all men with long hair are all bully and dangerous."
"Well, she hasn't seen Joker," Neon remarked nonchalantly, taking a short glance at Joker's rasta-braided hair.
Joker bobbed his head in agreement, "She'll definitely fall in love with me!"
"Oh please. Even poodles hate you."
He quickly turned his attention to the lady sitting beside him. "Tell me, Neon-han, are you being sarcastic? Because I know, for sure, that you succumb to my irresistible, manly charms. Just admit it!!"
She rolled her eyes heavenwards. "I don't see your so-called manly charms, Joker."
"Of course you don't!" He retorted. "You feel it."
"Okay, you two, that's enough," The forgotten ninja interrupted. "What're we going to do now? Kurei-sama won't give us any lunch if we don't find a job!"
"Let's just tell him the truth... He will at least feel sorry for us," Neon suggested. "Kurei-sama has a kind heart, after all."
Raiha thought about it for a few seconds, and finally agreed. Joker couldn't care less. But when they were just about to walk out from the city park, they saw two persons that they knew all too well. And apparently, one of them, a girl with a ponytail and dark sunglasses, recognized them as well.
She waved her hands excitedly. "Hey!! Long time no see!"
Neon and Joker groaned in unison while Raiha took the liberty to greet her in a gentlemanly manner. "Good day, Kirin-san. Yes, it's so good to see you. And, oh, you have Rasen-san with you!"
Rasen merely nodded at Raiha in acknowledgement. "Rasen said, how are you?" Kirin translated.
"Not very good," Neon answered. "We're trying to find a job."
"Yes, that's true," Raiha backed up. "And we're kind of desperate. Do you have any suggestions regarding our problem, Rasen-san?"
Rasen and Kirin stood quietly for a while, if it was possible. Then Kirin beamed through her sunglasses. "Rasen suggested that we start our own career! We're also trying to find something to do... we haven't found a good way to spend our time in weeks!!"
Neon frowned. "Start our own career?"
"Uh-huh," Kirin reassured her friend. "Rasen thinks that it will allow us to do everything freely, and it is so much better than being held captive by a supervisor."
Joker snorted. "Or poodle-salon owners."
"Never mind, Kirin-han. Continue, please!"
Kirin spoke again, "Rasen said that we should start something original. Something that is still scarce, but needed by the public. Such as..."
"Err... car repair shop?" Raiha said suggestively. Rasen shook his head silently.
"He said no," Kirin informed helpfully. Joker rolled his shadowed eyes in frustration.
Neon heaved a sigh, "What do you think we should do, then?"
"Rasen said that we should start a rescue team," The girl with the sunglasses answered. "Kirin says that it's a good idea!"
A purple-haired ninja just stared at the emotionless man. "A rescue team?" He repeated. Rasen nodded once. "What do you mean?"
"A rescue team!! When a client has a problem, we can handle it!! Such as stray kittens perched on a tree, lost pets...the like! I bet people would like it!" Kirin said gleefully. "We're the talented Uruha!! We can handle anything!"
"Wait!" Joker interrupted hastily. "I. Need. Lunch. Rasen-han, let's go to Mc Donald's! Your treat!!" He grabbed Rasen and hopped happily into the nearest fast-food restaurant. Kirin quickly followed them, with Neon and Raiha trailing behind. Actually, truth be told, Neon did not fancy fast-food, as it would really ruin her diet. But in this case, anything goes. A ruined diet was so much better than suffering from the killing hunger.
After a very hot debate in Mc Donald's (literally--Joker accidentally spilled chili sauce all over his Big Mac) and a rush for the toilet, the Uruha troop went back to the mansion casually. Joker was swearing at the Mc Donald's manager for leaving the chili sauce dispenser unlabeled, Neon was frantic about her weight, Raiha was persuading Rasen to buy him another cup of Mc Flurry, but the emotionless man refused. Kirin, well, she was happily licking a cone of chocolate-vanilla ice cream.
"Rasen-san, please?? I give you my word, I will pay you back!! Please? I want a cup of Mc Flurry BAD!!" Raiha pleaded with innocent, puppy dog eyes that would make his fangirls scream.
Too bad Rasen was not one of them.
Kirin giggled. When Raiha glared at her, she said, "Rasen told me that you should be thankful that he doesn't let you eat any more ice cream. You will get fat then, and your fans will leave you for Mikagami-kun."
Joker, immediately forgetting about the whole chili-incident, snickered. "Pity for you, Raiha-han!! My fans are forever everlasting!!"
"Yeah," Neon added sarcastically. "The number of his fans will never rise. Really, I can't understand what Menou sees in him. He's just a fool."
Joker was about to counter Neon's remark when he bumped into a stone wall. Having arrived at the Uruha Mansion, Raiha took out some keys from his pocket and opened the gate. "Next time, watch where you're going, Joker-san. Kurei-sama won't be so happy if he sees a dent on the wall."
His companion grumbled as the group made their way through whatever that was left of the Mansion. The fight with Recca had destroyed half of the east wing, so the Uruha lived on the west wing. Kirin couldn't stop admiring the knight armors that were placed in the halls, even though she had seen them for many, many times before.
"So? How did it go?" Kurei greeted upon seeing Raiha enter his study. Behind the mask, his eyes widened when he saw two ex-Ura Uruhas behind his ninja. "Rasen?"
"And Kirin too!"
"What are you doing here?"
"We're here to help your Uruha find a job!!" Kirin informed cheerfully. Kurei, however, raised an eyebrow at her statement. "We came to a decision at Mc Donald's. We're going to start a rescue squad!"
Kurei smirked. "What? Something like the Search And Rescue guys?"
The girl with sunglasses bobbed her head. The Uruha leader, however, began to shoot some difficult questions. "Why are you so sure that it will work, Rasen?"
"It will be perfect, Rasen says," Kirin translated helpfully. "Tokyo is getting very dangerous. The police is not helping the citizens at all. Thus, they can only rely on us. We're the Uruha, we're skillful and talented. Although it is exactly the opposite of what the Uruha is supposed to do, it will not be so hard for us to safe people."
The masked man nodded. "And how are you going to start your 'career'?"
"Simple," Rasen, or perhaps Kirin, answered. "We can rent a place somewhere as our headquarters, then we put ads on the papers for everyone. Clients will come, we're sure of it."
Kurei thought about their words. Eventually, he nodded. "Suit yourselves, but don't blame me if this does not go well."
"Thank you," Kirin replied cheerfully. "You won't be disappointed!"
"Whatever," Kurei said without any care, much to Kirin's dismay. "What are you going to call your business, then? One thing: do not use the name Uruha. People from the black business will be curious. Use a new, safer name."
Joker nodded in agreement. "We must use a customer-attractive name too!"
"Like what?" asked Neon, her inquisitiveness finally getting the better of her.
"Hmm..." murmured Kirin as she stroked her chin, not to show her sensibility, but to get rid of the itchiness that was annoying her. Mosquitoes are mean. When she was busy stroking--more like scratching, actually--her chin, Rasen's mind told her to voice his thoughts.
"Among all of us, who is the most popular?"
Joker grinned. "Easy question! Me, of course!"
"Joker," Kurei reprimanded. "He was being serious."
"So was I!"
"Whatever. If you are talking about fangirl-type of popular, Rasen, we have Raiha."
The person Kurei mentioned gulped.
"We should use Raiha's name, then."
"What?" Raiha sweatdropped. "W-Why me?"
"Your name will attract customers." Kirin translated again. She added her own comment, "But I personally think that my name is so much better than Raiha-kun's!"
Joker bobbed his head. "Yeah! What's so good about his name anyway? Why don't you use MY name instead? My name has charisma, and Raiha-han's doesn't."
"Charisma, Joker? Puh-leez," Neon rolled her eyes at her companion. Joker shot a glare at her, although Neon couldn't see.
Kurei cleared his throat, "Fine, then. Raiha, we are using your name. It shall be Raiha Rescue Squad, then."
Raiha heaved a deep sigh.
to be continued
That's it for today, then. Don't forget to review. You just click that scroll-menu in the bottom left corner of your screen. Then choose "Submit A Review". Then write your review. I'll post the next chapter when I get at least five reviews. Hmm. Don't you think that the quality of FoR fics are lacking now? Where are all the old fanfic authors? Anyone? Sigh. Well, to all newbies in Recca fandom, I don't mean to offend you. But with the Tokiya-Fuuko fics sprouting everywhere... it's getting boring, you know. Mind you, I used to love those kinds of fics.
... WAIT! Hold it right there!
cherie: Raiha? What're you doing here? Go back to your box.
raiha: We have something to tell to the readers, if you don't mind, Cherie-san.
cherie: Hmm? Oh, of course I don't. Go ahead... Fellow readers, this is Raiha.
raiha: Thank you!
Readers, this is your chance to be in a fanfic! Yes, this moment has finally arrived. Joker-san, Neon-san, and I, Raiha, are looking for clients to support our Rescue Squad. And YOU can be that very first client! You will be featured in this fanfic as a customer, and all you have to do is...
1. Submit a review for this fanfic,
through the "review" function in
2. Then, send an E-MAIL (it's E-MAIL, not REVIEW) to the address: email@example.com with the following stuff:
a. Your name. Please, don't use a tongue-twisting nickname such as "xoxo_1_LuRvvv_r41h4_xoxo", just find a suitable name in the baby book if you don't want to use your real name and if your selected nickname is unpronounceable. "Mistress of Joker", for example, is still accepted. You don't want to torture Cherie, and the Uruha still need their tongues.
b. A case/problem to be solved by the Uruha. And make it good! You may want to add in little details, if you think that is necessary. Don't forget that you want this case to be a full chapter. An ORIGINAL chapter. "Cat stuck in a tree", for instance, is just too short and original, and boring. Unless you can develop that sentence into a deeper storyline, of course.
c. Your physical looks. I may want to describe you. You don't have to use your real looks, it's up to you. You may describe yourself as a cool-looking-secret-agent-type of girl, or maybe a cute-looking country chick. It's up to you.
d. The cash that you're offering. Do remember that the Uruha are assassins by nature, and even if they put up a Rescue Squad, they are still looking for money. You don't want to make us die from hunger, do you? But please, make the amount of money believable. People with too much money are suspicious. And the Uruha only accepts cash, not credit. Maybe later when we get rich, we'll provide the clients with a credit-card machine.
e. Any wild ideas that pop into your mind. The sentence means literally what it says. You want to put in some Hokage cameo (or maybe more)? That's okay. You want to insert characters from another series? Go ahead, as long as I know of that anime you've chosen. Let your ideas roam free.
That's it! Hope that it's not too much, hee-hee. Cherie will choose the best submission. And forgive her if the chapter doesn't go like you wanted. Hmm... 'nuff said. Raiha taking off! Boom-boom-boom~!