So much noise! How do they stand it? How can the Cullens continue to mingle in the human world when all their bodies do is make so much noise!?

As always: DISCLAIMER: This is a work of fanfiction using characters from the Twilight world, which is trademarked by Stephenie Meyer. I do not claim ownership of the characters or the world that I'm playing with. This is a work of my twisted imagination and is not purported or believed to be part of Stephenie Meyer's Twilight canon. This story is for entertainment purposes only. I am not profiting financially from the creation or publication of this story or any of the others that I post.

AU Twific: A parody of sorts? Unsure how to categorize this, honestly.

The Cullen family loves to mingle with the humans, portraying themselves as such; even going so far as to integrating themselves into their world. It'd been a peaceful way of life for many decades. Carlisle Cullen is a renowned surgeon of his time -the 21st century of course, since he has to change his name for secrecy every 50 years or so- who loves working at hospitals. It makes the pacifist Pastor's son feel good about his damned existence, helping those in need. Esme Cullen, Carlisle's mate and wife, loves interior design. She sets up a new company as often as her husband changes his name to keep his career so that she can help make the human's lives more beautiful at a fraction of the cost. Together, they have 3 venom-children in their late teen years whom they love with all of their frozen hearts.

Edward Masen-Cullen is their first venom-born. He was gifted with the curse of reading minds and it had nearly driven him mad until the Volturi had worked with the newborn tirelessly. He was now able to control when and where he read minds, much to his relief. Unable to age, he is fated to remain in a 17 year old's body for eternity, his mind ever expanding. This particular vampire is doomed to stay a student for as long as his family chooses to integrate in the human world. He will never look old enough to get a real job or even attend college aside from perhaps his freshman year.

Rosalie Hale-Cullen is the second vampire that Carlisle created. The statuesque blonde is doomed to forever have an icy heart due to the way she had been treated and left for dead before she was found and thus 'saved'. Typical of an 18 year old female, she harbors a lot of resentment for her life and places the blame on everyone around her, although technically the only ones to blame are now dead. That was, in full, thanks to Rosalie herself. After her fiance raped her, allowing his friends to do the same, they beat her senseless before wandering off to pass out drunk somewhere. Once she was transitioned into a vampire, however, she got her revenge, slowly and meticulously, allowing her fiance to be last so he would know she was coming for him.

The only thing that stops Rosalie from waltzing into a burning pyre to end her pitiful existence is her mate and Carlisle's third sired, Emmett McCarty-Cullen. The Tennessee country bumpkin was hunting bears in hopes to feed his family for the winter coming when said bear attacked him. During a lone hunting trip, Rosalie smelled his blood and heard his cries for help. Draining the bear easily -as all of the Cullens are on the animal blood diet thanks to their sire- Rosalie picked up the ravaged human. Holding her breath for over 100 miles, she raced onward to her doctor 'father' and begged him to spare the human's life. To change him. She didn't know why, only that she had this innate connection with him that she wasn't willing to let go.

It turned out that the connection she felt to the muscular hunk was the mate bond, which solidified itself after his transition from mangled human to flawless vampire was completed. Emmett is a gregarious creature. Optimistic and industrious, Emmett is basically a ray of sunshine who loves to work with his hands. As a newborn vampire that proved difficult, effectively making him the typical youngest boy in the family who was constantly making a mess of things. His 'monkeying' around caused a lot of drama and stress for the eldest vampire couple until he was finally able to master his new strength and become an asset to the family. Though he's the youngest venom-born vampire, he's technically the oldest at 21 years old. His dimples, wide grins and overall cheery attitude make him the ideal Senior classman in any school they attend but he's old enough looking to be able to get a job or attend college.

Something Edward remains bitter about to this day.

Until the late 1950's, it was just the 5 of them day in and day out. One day it all changed when the family was living in the middle of Montana and there was a knock on the front door. Alice Brandon and Jasper Whitlock made their way into the home, welcomed with opened arms.

A tiny, pixie like vampire, Miss Alice stands at only 4'10 and loves to dance lightly on the balls of her feet. She clothes herself in only the airiest of dresses and loves being barefoot. Knowing nothing of her past but seeing everything of the future, Alice is what the Volturi rulers call a 'seer'. Her visions come to her sporadically and she cannot force them. They are set in stone and what she sees will come true one way or another. It was actually how she found Mr. Jasper Whitlock. She had a vision of him going into a diner in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania in the month of May -having seen a calendar on the wall of the diner in her vision- and she waited. It took almost 3 whole weeks of sitting in the diner, swinging her feet and pretending to sip coffee while she waited. When Jasper finally showed up, she danced over to him holding out her hand and simply told him that he'd kept her waiting a long time.

He is the epitome of a southern gentleman so he tipped his cowboy hat that adorned his head and apologized with a thick Texan accent. Alice's vision showed her that Jasper would some day tell her his story so she already knew all about him. The Southern Vampire Wars Major. Most feared vampire in all of the world. She had not one lick of fear in her though and that intrigued Jasper. He'd never met anyone, human nor vampire, who wasn't afraid of him on instinct. If his aura didn't scare them off then the scars that littered his body would. Those scars -bite marks from hundreds of vampires- proved that he was not a man to be trifled with. He had fought many a battle and won. Yet little Alice Brandon did not fear him at all.

The 7 of them became a united family; living together, growing together, loving together. It hadn't taken long for the 2 new additions to adhere to the animal blood diet as Alice had been using it since she'd first opened her vampiric eyes and she'd guided Jasper once she had found him. They both excelled at it, making Carlisle and Esme proud to call them honorary children. Alice, at only 17, connected with Edward on such a level that they all knew they were mates but neither made the move to actually connect and seal the bond.

For Jasper, living with the Cullens was an odd existence. He was used to carnage and mayhem but the coven he dwelled with now was timid and welcoming. Knowing he was the only unmated vampire within the households they lived could become hard on him so he was often found in dive bars, sipping on liquor. It was the only human-made thing that vampires could consume and he could stand it as well as he could living with 3 other mated pairs.

What the honey blonde vampire couldn't stand was the noise. And he's not talking about vampire mating sounds or overhearing human conversations.


He's talking about the noises that the human body makes. It drives him absolutely batty. What all other vampires can do -shove the noises to the back of their very large brains and ignore it- he cannot. It's almost as if the box to ignore shit in his head is broken. At 23 years of age, Jasper is physically too old to attend high school with his siblings, which he is grateful for. However, in order to keep up the human facade, he attends college and has to deal with the constant noises of the people around him. His sensitive hearing picked it all up.

Every freaking day after class is over, Jasper ravages the wilderness in hopes to calm down the slow burning rage inside of him but after a whole decade of listening to belly gurglings, farts, burps, queefs, sweaty skin rubbing against sweaty skin...Jasper finally got pushed over the edge. In 1962 during the Algerian War, he went over that edge head first after listening to the odd rumblings and indigestion of a young girl in class who was suffering from a stomach flu. The family had been living in Paris at the time and he massacred almost 300 people. The Volturi had nearly gotten involved but Carlisle was able to work his thrall and Emmett used his wiley assiduousness to ease the media into thinking it was all the French National Police and the Algerians. Coverups upon coverups were made, censorships of the press within the French government were manipulated until the humans were appeased and there was no threat of exposure.

Jasper had been threatened with banishment or death.

For years he tried to hone in on that little box in his head that would allow him to suffocate the insufferable sounds that lurked all around him. There was just no way to shut it up! How did the Cullens stand it? How did other vampires stand it? And while he was thinking about it, how did the humans themselves handle it? Some of those noises that came from the human body were disastrously loud and Jasper had a hard time believing that there weren't more homicides over something so simple as a goddamn fart.

From 1961 until July of 1995, Jasper had gotten really good at pushing his rage by the wayside. Stifling the absolute fury he felt whenever those noises became too much for him to take, he would run all over the world, swim in the deepest oceans, or hide atop the highest mountains in order to get away from the nail-on-chalkboard pandemonium that was the human body. With the help of Alice's visions and Edward's constant watch with his mind reading, Jasper was able to push it away. Rosalie was too vain to think he needed any actual guidance and would call him ridiculous and immature. Emmett thought the whole thing was hilarious because in the grand scheme of things, what was 300 humans? Tons were born every day! He wasn't about to hold something as tiny as that over his brother's head. Hell, Jasper had killed more humans and vampires during the wars back in the late 1800's than he killed in 1961 so what was the big deal anyway?

It wasn't until 1995 when Jasper finally let the violent fervor consume him again. The latest bout of shigellosis had run amok in South Asia and he finally tipped over the scales. Plugging his ears petulantly didn't even work when humans by the hundreds were practically shitting themselves with flatulating diarrhea. Bathrooms both public and private were resounding with the echoing sounds of shit hitting the water in toilet bowls. Stomachs left and right of him were gurgling and protesting, bubbling over like shaken pop cans.

No amount of help from his family could have stopped what happened when Jasper said he was going to go for a long hunt. He wasn't sure if Alice knew what would happen or not because he'd not stayed around long enough for anyone to stop him. Running straight from India through Iran and Turkey to Srebrenica, Bosnia resulted in utter and complete devastation. Leaving a trail of bodies from one country to the next, Jasper was single handedly responsible for what is known today as the Srebrenica Massacre. The genocide of more than 8,000 Muslim Bosniaks was covered up by the Volturi thoroughly and is now thought to be perpetrated by units of the Bosnian Serb Army of Republika Srpska.

There was no way for the Cullens to help Jasper after that.

Though the patriarch and matriarch of the Cullen Coven didn't want to let him go, there was no possible way of convincing the Volturi to go easy on him. He had simply gone too far. Using Alec's mind numbing gift, rendering the southern warlord incapacitated, the Volturi leaders brought Jasper to Volterra, Italy where he was sentenced to live until further notice. He was too much of a liability in the human world. For part of his punishment, he was denied the animal blood diet and kept away from the Cullens physically. They were allowed communication; first through letters and then later in the 2000's through cell phones when they became all the rage.

Now in 2218, Jasper has been with the Volturi serving them honorably and diligently as head of the guard, for 223 years. The Cullens had tried to subpoena the court of the Volturi into letting Jasper go but he didn't want to leave. Able to indulge in the gourmet that was human blood and serve the most feared group of vampires that ever walked the earth, he felt like the royalty he was. He didn't need to worry about finding a mate, for there was plenty of action around Volterra. Ready and willing females came to him whenever he pleased. There was nothing more satisfying than staying away from schools and animal blood.

Except maybe the fact that he didn't have to listen to those pesky human noises.

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