Series: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Warnings: Shoujo-ai; Homophobic and/or Shinji lovers run away now, etc.
Plot: A silly comedy piece about Asuka giong over to Rei's for dinner for the time. The first work I've written so be gentle, I know it's not the best ^_^.
Disclaimer: All characters herein are not my property and this is a non-profit work.
Just a Couple of Angels
By Kraken's Ghost
"Come on, Wonder Girl, I can't take this anymore."
"We're almost there. My apartment is in the next building."
Ayanami Rei was attempting to walk calmly up the street that led to her apartment. Of course, intent can be vastly different than result. Her fellow Eva pilot had other ideas. Langley Asuka practically shoved Rei non-stop. The girl's trademark impatience showed quite obviously. She was also plainly excited, though she tried to cover it up with feigned anger.
Asuka apparently hadn't heard Rei as she said, "Hurry up! You promised, in case you forgot! (Not like she'd have the chance, knowing Asuka...) At the very least you can stop being such a slowpoke."
"I swear, its no wonder I'm the best Eva pilot in this stupid town... rant... best skill out of the lot... rave... most beautiful and intelligent... rant... constantly aware of my surroundings... rave... ready at a moment's notice..."
It took the "best pilot" a few minutes for her to realize that the footsteps beside her had ceased. Asuka turned her head around and noticed that Rei was standing at the entrance to an apartment building...
...almost a block and a half back down the street.
The quiet girl was staring at her. Asuka could have sworn she heard a "Ladies and gentlemen, we present to you the Best Eva Pilot in the world!" echo somewhere nearby. Her face changed to the same shade of red as her plug suit and she walk-ran to her companion with as much dignity as she could muster. Rei didn't say a single word; she only stared at her for a few seconds, then twisted the knob and entered the building.
The hallway was empty, not really surprising. Asuka forgot her embarrassment as she followed Rei to the elevators. The purple haired girl pressed the call button and waited patiently. The other girl however, got bored fairly rapidly and nearly broke her neck as she craned it to look all over the place.
Rei watched the light move from the fourth floor, to the third, to the-
"What the hell is taking that stupid thing so long!"
The silence was shattered by a certain red-haired pilot. If Rei did not have nerves of titanium (Much stronger and lighter than that wussy alloy steel.) she would have flinched. Instead, she ignored her comp-
"%@$#*@$$!! (God only knows what that means.) That thing takes forever!"
The most unusual thing happened; Rei's eye twitched. At any other moment, (Yes, even if an Angel had attacked.) Asuka would have hailed it as an omen of the Anti-Christ but in her current agitated state, she didn't notice.
"You piece of shit! Hurry the *--- up!!"
Mercifully for the purple haired girl, at that moment the elevator doors opened. Rei stepped inside and Asuka, smirking triumphantly (she taught that elevator a thing or two!), followed. As the elevator door shut, the last visible sight was Rei's eye twitching yet again.
The small apartment was dark and cool as the two Eva pilots stepped into it. Rei flicked the light and walked down the small hall. Asuka curiously looked around and followed her purple haired companion.
Rei turned around to look at Asuka.
"What is the problem?"
"Aren't you going to give me a tour of this place yet."
Asuka feigned a person of regal and high importance, drawing herself up and making a few haughty gestures with her hands.
"You know, the polite thing to do when you have a guest over is to show them around your place."
Rei blinked and looked at her girlfriend for a moment. Then she pointed in one direction,
"There is the kitchen."
She pointed in another,
"The bathroom. This is my bed."
Asuka's impersonation of British royalty deflated like a balloon in a porcupine farm. She stared blankly at the purple haired pilot, wondering how she could have made it this far with the dialogue of an ATM machine.
"Great tour, Wonder Girl. Superb delivery. The Smithsonian is gonna break into the Commander's office tomorrow demanding that he let you come work for them. Your career as a tour guide will be glorious."
Rei thought for a moment, then replied.
"I don't understand."
A certain vein in a certain forehead of a certain red-headed pilot began to throb wildly and threatened to explode violently at any moment.
'Deep breaths, Asuka. Don't let her attitude get to you. Calm down...'
"Langley, why is a vein enlarging in you forehead?"
Only a very strong set of nerves saved a certain purple haired girl from being hurled out a certain window and a certain pilot from being sent to prison.
"Never mind. Forget about it."
Asuka walked over to the bed and flopped down on it. Rei watched her a moment longer, then quietly sat down next to her. The other girl took in the sight of the room. She noticed the bareness of it and the lack of personal effects.
'Why am I not surprised.'
The two pilots continued to sit there for awhile, each mulling in her own thoughts. That is, until it occurred to Asuka that she was here. With Rei. Her girlfriend.
No perverted Ikari. No drunken Misato. No Hell-Bent-On-World-Annihilation-Angels (Join the movement! HBOWAA now has a home address at... Oh yeah, you're human. Never mind.)
Just her and Rei.
...On a bed.
Asuka got a an evil grin on her face. She turned to Rei and leaned towards her. Just as her lips were about to encounter a white ear, however, her purple haired companion stood up and walked to the kitchen.
Asuka had a second to realize she was completely off balance before she fell clean off the bed and smashed her face into the floor. She grabbed her aching features and grimaced, hoping she hadn't broken her nose.
'Dammit, Wonder Girl! Off all the times you had to be spontaneous!'
At that moment, Rei came back into the room. She eyed the wounded German a moment before speaking.
"Does rice and noodles sound good?"
Through her fingers, Asuka tried her best not to cuss the out other girl in German. She was pretty sure she could smell again, so the odds were in her favor that she hadn't broken her nose. In a tight, controlled voice and through gritted teeth, she replied,
"Noodles. And. Rice. Would. Be. Fine."
Rei continued to look at her for a minute or so.
"What. Is. It. Wonder Girl?"
"...Langley, is something wrong with your nose?"
The entire building was filled was filled by a sharp scream.
Asuka stared at her plate, occasionally sticking some noodles in her mouth. Rei sat across the table from her, eating slightly faster but not at a really impressive speed. Neither had spoken a word since the landlord and police had knocked on the door, asking if they knew anything about a reported homicide.
Asuka leaned on one hand, playing with her food as she thought.
'Maybe I shouldn't have screamed... at least not so loud. I wonder if she's mad at me.'
She glanced up at Rei and immediately back down. The other girl didn't notice.
'She's not saying anything. She's mad. Idiot, she never says anything! She could be giddy for all you know.'
Once again, Asuka looked at Rei. Her dinner companion's gaze was focused on her own plate. She quietly, mechanically almost, continued to eat.
Asuka's normally hard and sharp eyes softened slightly as she looked at the purple haired pilot across the table from her.
'Damn, she's beautiful. Wonder Girl is the hottest... or coldest... thing I've ever laid eyes on. And she doesn't know it! She has no idea what she does to me.'
Rei, oblivious to Asuka's ponderings, continued to consume her meal. The red-head glanced back down at her noodles and rice.
'And she went through the trouble of cooking for you and you sit here playing with it. Great way to show gratitude, Asuka.'
The other girl was surprised to see her girlfriend get a sudden burst of energy and to begin packing away all of her food in mere seconds. Red eyes blinked, stared, and blinked again.
"Grp upl, gualp."
"...Do you like the meal?"
Asuka looked up, a rogue noodle hanging from her mouth and rice on her chin.
"...Mrmfrt... -Gulp- Its great!"
Rei blinked once again. There were times when she believed she was destined to never understand some things...
"-Loud chewing and swallowing-"
...and some people, in this world.
Later, Asuka stretched out on the bed as she listened to Rei cleaning up the dishes. The pilot would have helped her, except she had a slight problem. She could barely move.
'Damn, I really shouldn't have eaten so much. But, if it made Rei happy, it was worth it.'
The sounds of water running stopped and a few moments later, the purple haired Wonder Girl stepped into the living room.
'How the hell does she do that! She always moves whenever I think about her! ...Oh well, I wonder if she's still mad...'
Asuka looked at Rei's face. The same indifferent expression looked back at her.
'I give up. I don't have a damn clue if she's enraged, happy, or homicidal.'
Just then, much to the German's surprise, Rei's expression became peculiar. Her red eyes narrowed slightly and she walked towards Asuka. She stopped right in front of her and leaned over other girl.
'Hey! Now this is more like it! I wonder if she'll...'
Asuka repressed smug grin.
"Yes, Wonder Girl?"
Rei leaned closer, until the other pilot could feel her breath on her mouth.
Asuka put a coy and expectant look in her eyes.
Red eyes narrowed a little further. Rei reached with one hand to touch Asuka's chin.
'Come on, Wonder Girl! Hurry it up!'
"You... have rice on your chin."
The purple haired girl wiped it away with her thumb and stood up straight. Asuka's face took on an indescribable look.
"Langley, that vein's back..."
An hour later, Asuka had calmed down to the point where she was no longer in danger of a stroke. And it was fairly certain that she was no longer planning ways to disembowel her purple haired companion. Rei still sat on the far side of the bed from her. Judging from the way the red head's hand still twitched oddly every few minutes, that was probably a good idea.
Asuka, meanwhile, was pondering the fact that Rei's apartment had no real decorations in it. The bloody bandages didn't count.
She glanced at Rei.
"Hey Wonder Girl, where's your TV?"
"I don't have one."
She had no idea what there was to do here. She wasn't pissed off anymore. Needless to say, without anger, she couldn't plot someone's untimely demise. And when she wasn't figuring out how to eviscerate through a school shirt with only a penknife, she got bored very quickly.
And to make matters worse, all her attempts to flirt with the cold girl next her had so far backfired and wound up with some part of her body in pain. Her nose was still tender and her gut ached.
Asuka sighed, muttered something about psychic, purple haired, red eyed Eva pilots plotting against her, then replied,
"Yeah, Wonder Girl?"
"...You don't like my home?"
Asuka turned to her. Rei had her head cocked in a curious fashion.
"What makes you say that?"
"Several things. You screamed earlier and your forehead seems to be under extreme pressure. That implies stress of the environment. You're also gripping your abdomen which suggests that the meal isn't being digested in your stomach, therefore suggesting bad food. And you don't seem to be enjoying my company this evening, all of which have brought me to the conclusion that you don't like being here."
Asuka stared at her blankly for a few minutes. Literally, for a few minutes. She had never, never heard Rei speak so much in a single day, sometimes even a whole week, even after they started dating.
Rei... speaking a paragraph... but still impersonating an ATM machine...
But her intentions were good, despite the shivers down her spine.
'I've been screwing up the whole day long and making an ass of myself. And she thinks she's been doing something wrong. Of all the...'
Finally, Rei asked her,
"Rei, I've told you before to call me Asuka."
A certain red head crossed a certain bed at an unbelievable velocity to plant a big kiss on a certain purple haired pilot's mouth.
'Should've done this right off the bat.'
When Asuka broke it off, she smugly noted that she had been able to finally surprise the other girl. For the first time, the German saw a shocked look on her fellow pilots face. With a grin that got much luckier than the others, she leaned over Rei to whisper,
"Why don't you give me a tour of your-"
The phone rang. Damn, not so lucky.
Still wide eyed, Rei reached over to answer it.
"Yes? Yes... Alright."
She hung it up. Asuka looked at her questioningly.
"That was the Captain. An Angel has been spotted off the coast."
The room was filled with vulgarities in German. The German immigrants in the next door apartment crossed themselves and covered their children's ears. When Asuka finally stopped cussing, she got a very dangerous look in her eye.
"Alright, here's what we're gonna do. We're gonna go play Eva pilot and I'm gonna rip that Angel a few new holes. Then, you and I are coming back here to screw each other's brains out. Ok?"
Rei stared at her blankly. The Anti-Christ must be coming home for dinner because for the third time that day, the flesh around her eye twitched.
The Angel was hiding. Yes, the giant creature that had attempted to destroy everything in sight was now cowering behind the remains of a skyscraper. Never had it or any of the other Angels come across anything so vicious... so sadistic... so...
It's heart (Or equivalent cardiovascular system.) nearly stopped as it heard a footstep nearby. Suddenly, it wished it had not come to Earth, or this solar system. Alpha Centura was nice this time of year, but noooo... had to play the big shot. Come to Earth, mess up a few Eva's, burn down a couple of cities, have a lot of laughs...
It nearly wet itself as it definitely heard something nearby.
"Here Angel, Angel, Angel... Come on out. I'm not going to maul, maim or otherwise render all 12 of your limbs from your body. Really. Scouts honor. So, come on out. I'm asking nicely..."
The strangely accented voice floated over a loudspeaker. To the Angel (who can't understand Japanese) it seemed to hold the promise of horrors beyond all compare.
The giant creature realized it had two choices; one, run like hell and take a very long vacation at Alpha Centura or two, stay here with...IT...
An extremely light sound came from a block down the road. An alley cat had knocked over a trash can.
Instantly, the entire city block was lit up with explosions as the entire landscape eroded away under the gunfire. Thirty seconds and a really big hole in the ground later, the voice came over the loudspeaker again.
"Oops... I'm so sorry."
"I don't believe it. An Angel... Running?"
"Yeah, I didn't know they could move so fast."
"You think that's fast, look at Asuka. She's right on that thing's tail."
"Think she'll catch it?"
"Yeah, I'm pre- Oh my god."
"She... Caught it."
"I'm gonna be sick."
"Outta my way!"
Asuka stormed to the changing room, hauling Rei after her. She had her trademark look on her face. One person, a worker repairing some computers, had gotten in her way. After the ambulance left, (not to mention almost every other living soul that had watched the slaugh-COUGH-...fight) everyone else literally jumped and shoved each other to get out of her path.
She swung open her locker so hard, Shinji heard from down the hall. He wisely decided to take cover. Inside the room, Asuka turned to Rei.
"Plug suit off. Clothes on. Fast."
In Hell, Satan was pleasantly surprised. Three Anti-Christ's and counting. At this rate, he could kick God's ass by midnight.
'Let's see that holy pansy beat me now.'
All of a sudden, with an explosion of flame, another one appeared.
"In your face, Pop! You've got one; I have four!"
All the denizens of Hell were subject to the bizarre sight of a goat-legged man with a pitchfork slapping his hairy rear to the heavens.
All four of the Anti-Christs sweat dropped.
The door to Rei's apartment had barely been unlocked when it was kicked open. A crazed and sexually frustrated red head stormed into the living room.
"Now then, first things first. No more phone calls!!"
The phone, its cord, and the connected outlet went through the window like pavement through Firestone tires (...No comment necessary.) Rei looked for a moment at the glass on the floor. She stared at Asuka.
"...That was my only phone."
Asuka turned around slowly with the expression of demonically possessed psychopath (...No comment necessary.)
"Then we'll get you a new one. We don't have NERV credit cards for nothing!"
With the air of a lunatic (...No-... Oh, never mind. I'm going home. -Door Slam-) she whirled around.
"Next on the agenda..."
She strode out the front door and over to the elevators. A convenient electrician's tool box with a crowbar inside lay nearby that the author had left behind as a distraction
From inside the apartment, Rei heard the ding of the elevator, followed by the sound of bending, tearing metal. The button panel made sounds like popping fireworks as the circuit boards gave out.
The silent Eva pilot watched as Asuka walked by the front door then out of sight again as she went to the backup flight of stairs.
It was surprisingly easy for her to jam the door. The hinges weren't all that sturdy.
She came back the entrance of Rei's home. At that moment, the neighbor's door opened. The Germans began screaming something about putrefying their children's minds. Asuka screamed louder and got her point across very rapidly when she waved the crowbar around. The neighbors made a hasty retreat.
The crowbar was disposed of, over the side of the railing, and the red head strode back into the room and slammed the door. She turned all the locks.
"No more cops or idiot landlords!"
She returned to the room.
"And last but not least..."
Her gaze fell upon the purple haired wonder who was trying to be as inconspicuous as possible.
"Come here my dear..."
The bed barely withstood the weight of two pilots crashing on it. Or one pilot dive-bombing the bed while carrying another pilot.
-The next morning-
The garbage truck stopped in the alley outside the apartment building. While the garbage men loaded the bags of garbage into the truck, one of the workers tripped over something. He stood up and looked blankly at the phone with a chunk of drywall attached to it, covered with glass shards. He glanced up as the truck turned the corner and busted a tire...
...On a bent crowbar imbedded in the asphalt.
Fortunately, four men carrying pitchforks and dressed in black leather quickly surrounded the truck and helped change the tire. Just as they finished, a goat legged man also wielding a pitch fork yelled at them for being nice and to get over here and help him with the apocalypse. Sweat-dropping and groaning, the four friendly guys followed after and disappeared in a flash of fire.
The garbage men quickly decided careers in accounting would be a pleasant change.