The Very Model
A songfic by BobCat
Disclaimer: Dragon Ball belongs to Akira Toriyama. The Major General song is from Gilbert and Sullivan. I think that the latter two would wince from the manner in which I am using their song. Oh well; they're dead, so their opinion matters very little in my decision making process.
Defeat. For Son Goku, this was a word outside of his vocabulary. This was mainly because he spoke Japanese; the words "dishwasher" and "antidisestablishmentarianism" were also outside of his vocabulary for this very same reason.
But beyond the literal definition, the concept of defeat was foreign to him. In his entire life, never before had any opponent managed to so utterly outclass him. In a Son Goku fight, there were three possible outcomes: Victory, defeat with a purpose (i.e., give Gohan a crack at the villain), and victory. Defeat was never an option. Sure, for Piccolo and Vegeta, is happened all the time. But he was the hero, gosh darnit!
But then came this new guy, Prion. Or was that Ryan? Ah well, it didn't matter much. There wasn't much special about him. He claimed to be a Saiya-jin, Vegeta's cousin thrice removed by marriage of his great aunt. Goku had been initially exited by the concept of finding another of his species (after all, past experience showed a 50% chance that this new guy would be his friend after a really cool battle. It was a win-win situation!). Then he had announced that he had taken a contract from the Vogons to destroy the Earth. Goku had taken all of this in stride, and begun a quick training session with his sons. Satisfied that both were on the verge of a great new power if he should die or come close to death*, they all set out to fight with Prion near Tutti-fruttiville.
Goku had made a note to find out why everyone had decided to name their towns and cities after Garlic Junior's henchmen.
On the way, they had encountered a half-dead Piccolo. Being used to this sight, Goku had flown by without so much as a second glance. Gohan had been nice enough to stop and give his old sensei a senzu bean, but the other two had flown on.
When the Son family had arrived to Prion's chosen battlefield, he was just in the process of mopping up Vegeta and Trunks. Prion had noticed the new, more powerful arrivals and simply vaporized the Saiya-jin prince and his son where they stood.
Goku had been suitably angered by this event, and gone through the standard rigmarole of showing off powers, demonstration of new techniques, and the dozens of other common events that any regular viewer of Dragon Ball Z has seen dozens of times.
It was at this point that Goku had grown worried. It seemed that even after reaching Super Saiya-jin 3, Prion could match him at level 2. Every technique in Goku's seemingly endless repository of attacks had been batted aside like so many baseballs. (And he had been so proud of his new "Fastball Ha!" attack!)
Now, Goten and Gohan laid on the ground, scuffed up and missing roughly twenty percent of their skin. However, as this was a FUNimation version, there was no blood that wasn't dribbling from their mouths, so they were still alive.
Prion now stood over the defeated Goku, who was struggling to breathe. Prion smirked. "What, is that all? I thought you were the Legendary Super Saiya-jin."
Goku stammered, "No, you're thinking of Brolli. I'm only the legendary one in Ash the Wanderer's fics."
Prion snapped his fingers. "That's right! I'd forgotten about old Broccoli-head. How is he, anyhow?"
"The last time I saw him, he was burning up in Sol's chronosphere."
Prion smiled and brushed a single tear from his eye. "Ah, good old Brolli. He died as he lived."
Goku was decidedly confused. "In the chronosphere of a sun?"
"Brolli had some very… odd hobbies." Suddenly remembering who he was talking to, he coughed into his hand. "But you shall be with him soon enough!" He summoned a ball of Chi, ready to vaporize his downed opponent.
Goku used the strength that he had been drawing for a final, last ditch attack to make a time-out sign with his hands. "Whoa! Don't I get a last request?"
Prion considered. "Well, so long as the last request isn't a demand that I surrender or become your bestest best friend, I don't see the harm in it. What is it?"
Goku punched the ground. "Darn it! I was hoping he wouldn't think of that!" He listened to what he said. "Ah fiddle-sticks! I wish those gosh darn fiddlers at FUNimation would at least let me curse when the situation was truly hopeless!"
Prion leveled his hand at Goku. "Seeing as no final request has been tendered, I shall now finish you off." The SSJ2 fired his bolt of energy at the downed Goku. It traveled the distance between them and exploded, causing a huge dust storm to fill the air around them. Prion gave a quick salute to the smoke. "I do now bid adieu to the only opponent to ever give me a good fight. May the wind be ever at your back… or at least may the wind be at the rear end of the free-floating atoms that used to be your back. Fair well!" Prion shifted back to his base state and walked away with his hands in his pockets, whistling a happy tune. He briefly wondered if Earth had anything in the way of a good hoagie. Before he blew it up, that is.
That was when a Chi bolt slammed into his back, knocking even the insanely powerful Saiya-jin off-balance. Prion leapt to his feet, eyes darting back and forth. "All right, who threw that?" That was when Prion's eyes locked onto a slightly more beat up Goku, who was back on his feet. "How the expletive deleted did you survive that!?"
Goku grinned. "The smoke. After all, nobody is EVER dead when the smoke clears, so that cloud of dramatic smoke saved my life!"
Prion's eye twitched. "What the heck kind of moron are you!?"
Goku grinned. "I thought you'd never ask!"
The background suddenly swirled from standard DBZ badlands to an old sailing vessel. Prion glanced around in surprise, noticing that all of the warriors that he had slaughtered earlier were back and none the worse for wear. The Saiya-jin marauder looked down at himself, and noticed that his armor had been replaced by tights and an old time vest. "What the heck?"
Goku was dressed in a khaki military uniform, with a riding crop and a pith helmet. The rest were dressed like stereotypical pirates. Vegeta was the most bedecked of all, going fully into his role of the Pirate King. Prion blinked in surprise as background music started up. Goku stepped into a previously unseen spotlight and coughed a few times. Prion muttered, "So THAT'S why the disclaimer said it was a songfic…"
Goku: I am the very model of a modern Super Saiya-Jin,
I fight in many battles, but there's little doubt that I will win,
In ev'ry single fight I reach a power inconceivable,
Though the manner which I gain it isn't always quite believable.
I have a thirst for battle, but you see I'm not a vile brute,
I always fight for justice, even if I'm not all that astute,
In short, in ev'ry manner a smart person would be counting in,
I am the very model of a modern Super Saiya-jin!
Everyone Else (Including an unwilling Prion): In short, in ev'ry manner a smart person would be counting in, he is the very model of a modern Super Saiya-jin!
Goku: I know nothing about history, and don't know what's meant by "paradox,"
I've spent all last week drinking 'cause I ate truckloads of salty Lox,
I know some of you think that all these rhymes, at best, are slightly lame,
But the head trauma from Grandpa Gohan is really what is to blame.
I travel 'cross the galaxy with what none would call subtleties,
But it is really easy cause the aliens all speak Japanese.
Ninety Percent of enemies change to become my dearest friends
(Struggles for a moment, muttering under his breath) I've got it!
(Sings) If you go fast underwater, you will get a bad case of the bends!
Everyone Else: If you go fast underwater, you will get a bad case of the bends, if you go fast underwater, you will get a bad case of the bends, if you go fast underwater, you will get a very bad case of the bends!
Goku: In truth, I didn't make all that much money from the Anime,
And pervs accuse Vegeta and I of being quite actively gay,
But the action of my series' something ev'rybody's gotta see.
(Faster) If Akira'd kept on writing, we'd be longer than the Odyssey!
Everyone Else: If Akira'd kept on writing, we'd be longer than the Odyssey, if Akira'd kept on writing, we'd be longer than the Odyssey, If Akira'd kept on writing, we'd be longer than the Odyssey!
Goku (more slowly): The plot moves far too slowly for anyone to safely follow,
But you're my adoring fans, so that's just a pill you'll have to swallow,
I fling Kamehameha waves that could smash any star system,
But they fly into space and no one ever seems to notice them.
In all truth, Dragonball Z became a little bit repetitive,
So Toriyama-san game us all the eternal sedative.
But still in ev'ry manner a smart person would be counting in,
I am the very model of a modern Super Saiya-jin!
As the music faded around them, and the terrain switched back to its previous state. Prion ripped the sailor's clothing from his body. Fortunately, his body armor had been replaced by the magic of the song. Prion powered up to SSJ2. "That's it! Now you're really going to die!"
Goku chuckled. "Not really. You want to know what REALLY makes me the very model of a modern Super Saiya-jin?"
Prion blinked. "No, what?"
Goku proceeded to go to SSJ4. "Toriyama always liked me best. KAMEHAMEHA!"
Prion muttered a brief curse about overused plot devices as he was atomized in a physically impossible, yet very interesting to watch sequence of events.
Don't take any of this seriously. I love Dragonball, but there are just so many ways in which to mock it.
Also, the words don't follow the tune exactly, but in a choice between my artistic vision and musicality, musicality gets blasted to another dimension.
*The test for this assumption had two stages: Are Gohan and Goten Saiya-jin or Half Saiya-jin? If so, are they breathing and/or have a day pass from the afterlife? If the answer was yes for both, then they had great power just waiting for the death of a loved one to unleash.