Every now and then I think about committing suicide, and I wish I could. But I can't, and trust me I've tried. I don't know why, especially when I want it so badly. I wonder if there's a small part of me that thinks I will do a lot in my life, even though I know that's not true. But since I can't kill myself I am left to live out the rest of my miserable days filled with torture at the hands of the Dursleys at 4 Private Drive.
My brother, Harry, was lucky. On his eleventh birthday he got to whisked off to a magical place where people loved him, and he came back with a new hope for life. I was not whisked off to practice magic, instead I was told that I wasn't like him. Harry had magic, my parents had magic, I didn't.
Before age eleven, Harry and I were treated decently. We shared the small room under the stairs and got table scraps every single meal. But when Harry left for his first year of magic school, the Dursleys no longer felt the need to feed regularly. Instead giving me food once or twice every other day. I got unhealthy skinny, but they told me it looked good.
Then Harry came back for the summer, and he told me all of the exciting places he's been and people he met. So when Harry went back to school I started questioning my treatment and how I was living. I would do simple things like ask for food or clothes. But it would anger the Dursleys to no end, and that was when the physical abuse started. At first it was a slap to the face or a push into the wall. Then, by the end of the year, it was leaving black eyes or gashes. Or, even better, beating me until I passed out.
But sure enough Harry came back the next summer, but this time he was different. He still told me of all of the fun things he did, and I still listened intently. But when I was beaten, he turned a blind eye. It was almost as if he no longer cared about me or my well being, though I stilled cared about him.
The next year though made it hard for me to care about anyone, that was the year I began being sexually abused. Apparently Dudley had just gotten into girls, and being the spoiled brat he was he wanted to be with one. Which meant he wanted to have sex at age 13.
Vernon had no objection with the idea when Dudley brought it up to him one afternoon when Petunia was out. Vernon actually seemed to think it was a good idea, claiming that it would make Dudley more mature and manly. The only problem was with who. They couldn't seem to figure it out until I accidentally banged my arm against the wall. Causing both of them to turn and stare at me, and then to turn back to one another.
That was the fateful day when I lost my virginity to a thirteen year old boy on the Dursleys' couch while his Father watched. Unfortunately that incident did not become uncommon over the next two years, and either of the two Dursley men having sex with me became a usual occurrence. It got to the point where I was sure Petunia knew, and didn't care. I even was pretty sure Harry knew, and didn't care.
I was emotionally, physically, and sexually abused with little hope for the future. I was living in hell on Private Drive praying everyday the magic people my brother spoke of would come and rescue me. But as of right now, I was just a 15 year old girl, currently lying naked in Dudley's bed just thinking about life.
I was incredibly grateful though that the whole family got called to participate in some garden show, which left Harry and I alone for at least a couple of hours. It was the small miracles in life. After all, this enabled me to not have to worry about being hit or raped again for the next couple of hours. I was able to just relish in the peace and quiet.
That peace was soon interrupted by a loud bang from there first floor, and I jumped up. "Damn it Harry." I muttered from under my breath. How dare he go and break things knowing that I would get punished for it. I quickly grabbed a blanket off of Dudley's bed, wrapping it around myself to cover my nudity before walking out of the room.
I walked down the stairs, anger radiating off of me, before I heard other voices coming from the living room that wasn't Harry or the Dursleys. My eyes grew wide as my footsteps grew quieter. I made my way to the doorpost of the living room, still wrapped in the blanket, to peak in.
There were probably about nine to ten people in the room, talking in a huddle with my brother in the middle. I knew from the moment I saw them that they where the magical people Harry would describe, just judging from their long robes and weird hairstyles.
"Harry!" I whispered fiercely from the doorway, trying to get his attention away from the magical people he was standing next to. I needed to ask him why these people were here and what they wanted. Unfortunately, my whisper was louder than I expected.
All of the visitors were immediately on alert, turning to face me and holding up a bunch of sticks, which I assume are wands. I ducked back behind the doorpost in fear, hoping Harry was going to step in.
"Wait. Put your wands down." A foreign voice said, and my breath caught.
I peaked my head out of my hiding spot, looking at the speaker. He had advanced from the crowd far enough so he could see my face and I could see his. I looked at him quizzically, taking in his appearance. He had on brown robes that were tattered and ripped, with long scratches on his face. His brown hair was unkept and wild, with eyes that looked like mine. He, like me, had seen to much.
"Lily, is that you?" The man questioned, taking another step closer to me, and I ducked back into the corner. I wondered if he was talking about my Mother, who also was named Lily.
Now it was Harry's turn to speak, stepping up next to the man. "Guess again Remus."
The man let out a loud inhale, and out of the corner of my eye I could see a look of realization cross his face. "Estelle? Estelle Potter?"
I could see Harry nod, and the man start crying. No one had ever cried over me before, and I was confused. Why did he care? How did he know of me? No one was supposed to know of me, at least according to Harry and the Dursleys. I was meant to stay hidden from other people, both magical and non.
I peaked my head out again, curious at what was happening, when the man named Remus started speaking. "Hello Estelle, my name is Remus Lupin and I was good friends with your parents. I was there when you were born, and I believe I am your official Godfather. But I thought you had died, I was told you were dead. Have you been here the whole time?"
I fully stepped out of the shadows and into the light, nodding my head as everyone looked at my pitiful figure. I was wrapped in a mere blanket, with bruises and scars covering my whole body. "My Godfather?" I questioned.
Remus who seemed unfazed by my appearance, unlike the rest of the room, said "Yes, I am your Godfather. Now, Estelle, what happened to you."
I looked down at my feet, tears coming to my eyes, before Harry cut in. "Look, Remus, we don't have time to analyze my sister. We need to get going before the Dursleys come back. She will be fine."
I was not surprised at my brother's dismissal, but I was more surprised at Remus' reaction. He spun around to face Harry, his face painted with furry. "You!" He practically screamed. "You knew about her all along and you didn't say anything! She obviously needed it!" He guested over to me, and I didn't know what to say. No one had ever defended me like this in my life, and I wasn't sure what to make of it. Why did he care so much?
All of a sudden this extremely weird man came out of the shadows. He had shoulder length blond hair and a peg leg, with a wild eye attached to a strap around his face. "Hey, hey, break it up you two. The boy is right, we don't have all day Remus."
Remus looked flabbergasted, pointing at me before saying, "But what about her Mad-Eye! She needs our help! Now that I know she exists I can't just leave her here!"
I turned to the weird man, Mad-Eye, awaiting his answer like everyone else in the room. "Well, she can come with us."