Clary's Dead - DesertFlower303
Disclaimer: I don't own Shadowhunters, but it would be pretty awesome if I did. Props to Cassandra Clare for being the originator and to everyone who's made the show a reality.
Synopsis: Jace deals with thinking Clary's dead.
Comments: It's been a while since I've written anything, please let me know if you want to read more.
Jace's first thought was that Simon was mistaken. Clary wasn't dead. She'd survived Malaki, Valentine, the Clave... There was no world where she could be dead, not after all of this, not after everything they'd been through. Clary was alive. She was alive...
But Simon's face said it all. He believed what he was saying...
Jace stepped back his arms feeling like dead weights, heavy with the reality of everything that had just happened. Alec was dying, Magnus had given his magic away to save him and Clary... oh Clary... Jace felt everything inside of him break, a kind of panic coming over him. Every nightmare, every struggle to keep her safe, all of the torture Lilith put him through, Magnus's sacrifice to save him... none of it meant a damn thing right now if Clary was dead.
He felt light headed and weak all of sudden, like all of his breath had left his body, bile rising in his throat. His face contorted in agony as he collapsed to his knees screaming uncontrollably, the pain like a knife through his heart spreading from his chest to every other part of him. This was all his fault. Simon's mark may have banished Lilith but he was the one who had sworn Clary to secrecy. He'd done this. If only he'd been willing to tell Alec, maybe this could have been prevented... Jace couldn't bear it, his screaming turning into sobbing. He felt like he was being torn apart.
He was only vaguely aware when Izzy and Luke approached him but he couldn't move or even acknowledge them when they spoke. He heard Simon tell Izzy and Luke the news through broken speech, he must have been crying, still in shock.
He felt Izzy's arms surround him suddenly a few moments later, holding him tight as she knelt beside him.
It didn't feel real and yet it did all at once. Clary's last words to him kept ringing in his head.
I will never give up on you. Never.
He'd failed her. He made her promise to keep the wish a secret, he'd stubbornly hidden his dreams and struggles from her until he couldn't hide it anymore. He thought he was protecting her and all he'd done is destroy her. She'd given everything for him. She'd trusted him, believed in him and loved him so much, more than he could ever deserve. And now she was gone...
To love is to destroy
He clung to Izzy, unable to do anything but cry. All his life, he'd never felt pain like this, not even when Valentine stabbed him in the heart. Dying had been easy, this was too hard to fathom. He would take being stabbed in the heart a thousand times over this...
When Jace was able to gain a little composure, he pulled back a little. His eyes burned and he felt like he couldn't quite breathe. He couldn't look Izzy in the eyes. "Alec... is he..."
"He's okay." Izzy choked out. She'd been crying with him. "Magnus called Katarina. She's been healing him. He's gonna be okay." Izzy held Jace's shoulders. "Do you need me to go with you?"
Jace shook his head as he held his hand to his side, his parabati rune felt like a knife wound slowly starting to heal. He'd felt Alec's pain on top of everything. It still hurt, but less than before... Jace, stood, not even bothering to wipe his face. He didn't know what to feel or how to move, just knew he had to get to Alec. Something needed to be okay today.
Izzy held his shoulders gently. "Go. I need to make sure Simon's okay." Jace nodded weakly and started down the stairs.
By the time he reached the bottom his rune had subsided to a dull ache. He found Alec where he'd left him except now he was sitting up, Katarina knelt beside him still working her magic. "I've done all I can Magnus." She was saying. "We should get him back to the loft. I'll be able to do more for him there."
"I'll help." Jace stated as he approached.
Alec looked up, still weak and in pain but he smiled faintly in spite of himself "Jace..." relief flooded through both of them as Jace knelt beside him and they embraced. "I'm so sorry Alec..." Jace choked out.
"Shhh..." Alec soothed. "Jace it wasn't you."
Jace wanted to believe it, but he'd felt the devastation of every kill, every possession, every amount of pain the Owl had used him to commit as if he'd done it himself. After a few minutes, they parted, and Jace helped get Alec to his feet, supporting him under his shoulder. As Katarina opened a portal Alec turned his head, looking around concerned. "Wait! Where's Clary?"
Jace froze beside him. He could feel the pain rising in him again, threatening to consume him. He pushed it down. He needed to get Alec to safety. "She's with Simon and Luke. She'll come down with them." Jace didn't sound convincing at all, but Alec was too weak to argue. They got him through the portal and helped him onto the bed and Katarina began working on him again.
Jace stayed until he could see that Alec was okay, then made his way to the balcony gazing out at the city below through blurred vision. He felt the tears sliding down his face. He couldn't stop them anymore. Every part of him throbbed with a searing hot pain that would not subside. All his life he'd never loved any woman he'd been with. Not until Clary. Jace had lost so much in his life, but he'd seen a future far beyond anything he could have imagined with her. And now all of that was gone... she was gone...
Jace barely noticed when Magnus came to stand beside him. "I know you think you're protecting him, but he knows you're lying... we both do. What happened?"
Jace looked over at Magnus, tears still streaming down his face. He opened his mouth to speak but he couldn't make the words come. Magnus' face fell. "Clary didn't make it..." Jace shook his head. He couldn't say it. Just thinking it was too much to bear. Magnus knew though, he could sense it without Jace saying a word. "Oh Jace... I'm so sorry..."
"I... I can't tell Alec. Not until he's okay." Jace choked out.
Magnus nodded. "I understand... but he's your parabati... he'll know that you're hurting..." Magnus gripped the boy's shoulders, wishing he could give him strength. It was easy to forget how young Jace was at times, but he was. He was so very young and he had suffered so much. "I know this loss feels like too much to bear and nothing anyone says to you can make it any easier... but we're here for you..."
Jace nodded, fresh tears falling from his eyes. Magnus squeezed Jace's shoulders gently and then seeming to sense that Jace needed to be alone with his grief, left to check on Alec. Jace stared out at the city, feeling suddenly small and insignificant and wondered if all the broken pieces of him could ever really be put back together again.