Author's notes: This is sort of a weird "groupfic", aka gathered up from the ideas of me, Lightyearsgirl, Captain Buzz Lightyear and EMZ. Only that it was the worst grammar-error maker of the galaxy that ended up clean-writing it. This story doesn't make much sense whatsoever, and it's scribbled under the influence of vast amounts of caffeine and sugar. Warning: contains slight bashing of Buzz, Warp, and Zurg, and a lot corny movie jokes. This has plainly nothing to do with my or anyone else's other stories. Buzz Lightyear of Star Command © Disney/Pixar.

Ego Crisis

A dramatic, darkly grandiloquent march music echoed in the shady corridors of the Zurg Tower. The imperial majesty himself approached his evil Science Laboratory, his stately black cape fluttering in the air behind his back.

"More wind! Set the air conditioning to 'storm'!" he snarled to a lackey beside him who had trouble to walk forwards because of the violent breeze coming from the massive blowers. "More wind! My marvelous cape must float grandly in the air to make me look mighty! More wind! Drama! Emphasis!" Dun, dun, dun... next a metallic door in front of him whooshed open with a cloud of smoke as an impressive effect. The Emperor had arrived.

"Ahh this is my most ingenious and wicked scheme this far! Buwauhahahaha! My ultraoverintelligent brainwork has created a new ray of destruction!" he gloated his clawed hands in the air.

Warp Darkmatter, who had lodged already in the lab, walked to him his brows raised up with amazement. "Cool. What kind of ray? Some neat gimmick that turns the nimbus-bigots of Star Command to oozing protoplasm?

"No, Darkmatter, you dipstick. Such a thing would not work at all. I have something far much better and diabolic in my mind! Behold my new Hyper-Purple Ray!" Zurg hovered to a corner where some large object was covered with a canvas. With one swing of arm, he drew the shield aside, revealing a large battery-looking cylinder taller than him.

"This treasured scion of my inspiration shall be added to the raygun I have on the top of my marvelous palace! It generates electromagnetic waves of four hundred nanometers, modulates and boosts the speed of photons, and thus the ray lets out a photon beam of pure purple light! Ahahahaha! Everything shall turn purple! Hyper-purple; meaning that it shall be forty percent more purple than just plain violet! It is spectacular! Everywhere I shoot, whatever I shoot with it, it all turns purple! Soon the whole universe will be purple and then I shall rule it all! Ghrahahaha! Oo I am so evil! Oohahahahah!"

While the royal laughed complacent at his own jokes, in the background the grubs shrugged to each other looking like as if they had missed the point. And so was the blue half-robot also rather stupefied.

"Uhh you sure that's gonna work, boss?" Darkmatter's face twisted into a doubting grimace, "So what if stuff's purple, they still ain't yours. You gotta conquer them first. Wouldn't it be easier to blast Star Command to ashes and..."

"No, you bucketbrain, I..." the taller male began furiously, then stopped to think of the words he had heard, his clawed index tapping the grill of his helmet. Warp perhaps had a point after all. "Hmm oh well perhaps I still need to develop a tad more my fiendishly clever plot. But!" he interjected a finger in the air, "I still can use the second part of the scheme now and here! That is Jim-kraken-dandy! I have it all outlined in my mind! With this second ray modulator I have here..." he spurted to another corner with his rocket boots, explaining, "...I shall blur Lightyear. Behold, my Omnibliblizising Z-Amp!"

Warp rolled his eyes. "Like making up big words huh?" That name monster definitely was not even a regular word, neither applicable to be used in a regular sentence.

"Ahh indeed! It is the privilege of an evil Emperor! I am such a genius in making up words! Although the cosmic truth is that I am a genius in everything but still... does not Omnibliblizising Z-Amp sound so vile and solemn!"

"Umm ya. What does it do? Turns Lightyear purple?"

"No. You wait and see..." the malevolent ruler took a mysteriously vulpine expression on his helmet.

"What? You won't tell me? I thought I was part of the mission!"

"No, Darkmatter. I shall conduct the operation alone."

"Then why did ya call me here?" the blue hunk looked baffled.

"Hymm... I had something for you yes... " Zurg pondered the issue the time of a by-passing neutrino. "Indeed. Here, take this keycard and go to floor Z-1d10t. There are four large tubs of dirty socks waiting for you with soap and water. The evil sock-dry-clean is broken and I want you to wash my socks for me. And remember, it is a glorious priority to wash my socks." And thus Zurg's number one henchman -yet this time also number one complaining and raging henchman- was sent at the washboard. The overlord himself was left in his chambers to accomplish his dark intentions.

--Space, a few hours later--

"This was why we were asked to check out this asteroid?" Mira squinted and picked up a muffin wrapper -with little z-letters all over it- from a small crater.

"Hmm... Commander Nebula knows Zurg is up to something. Otherwise we wouldn't have been commanded to rake through this rock..." Buzz stood behind her, hushing then his voice. He struck an erect pose, and his hand started whisking high in the air along the tone of the upcoming bombastic speech. "My Zurg-alarm is buzzing. The dark side is getting its grip again, I can feel it! The balance of the force is in jeopardy, and the helpless universe would be soon in the merciless grasp of the Evil Emperor Zurg, unless I, Buzz Lightyear of Star Command, was not there to foil his trickery of utter devilry. For my ally is the goodness, and a powerful ally it is. Life creates it, makes it grow. You must feel it around you; between you, me, the tree, the rock, everywhere...!"

"Hmm and we don't even have trees over here." XR commented beside Mira, "Ever thought if our lovable darthvader rip-off and Buzz are related somehow? I mean, turn that pathos-melodrama a bit more sinister, add a cape, and a bucket over his head and we will have a Z Mini-Me."

The Tangean remained rolling her eyes at the mecha, and threw away the z-decorated trash.

"Blast! We will dissect this asteroid nanometer by nanometer to reveal Zurg's wheelings and dealings! Clear your mind must be, if you are to discover the real villains behind this plot! We'll..." Lightyear began again, but sadly enough, never finished his sentence. A flare of blinding red light abruptly flashed above him, coming fairly out of nowhere. In the faint aerosphere of the asteroid the odd eruption was strong enough to cause a pressure wave, so that Booster, Mira, and XR all flew backwards and hit the ground.

A few seconds after the bolt, the silence remained spookily fatal. Only the solar wind dully blew primary particles somewhere above. The rest of Team Lightyear tardily scampered up with moans of pain, only to find their Captain lying immovable in the gray dust.

--Planet Z--

"Ahahahahah! Muwauwarrrhaharrrh! I made it! Yii I am mammy's own bad boy! Lightyear is finally off the map!" Zurg danced around his throne room. A triangular monitor was in front of his imposing seat, showing a paused scene of the indolent Buzz Lightyear sprawling in the dirt. Yes, of course it was the evil Emperor, who had his claws even in this dip of malicious mayonnaise. Darkmatter could be seen appearing from the main door, his better arm's sleeve wrapped up and both hands -also the robotic one- dripping soap water. He had been called from his "important task" up to see the dark side's victory.

"Whoa. Is he dead?"

"No, Darkmatter. A death ray would have not passed the obstacles on the line without giving that cursed lobsterscull a warning. But this ray affects only organic matter, mjiuhahah! He shall be all washed up now! Ahahaha! He is all washed up, that is a good one!" the Emperor laughed at his own joke, "how does it go with the socks? Are they evilly clean now?"

"Umm yah. Almost." Warp wiped his sweating forehead with a back of the hand. "Some day I'm gonna put you to eat those darned socks and without salt or ketchup, for this!" he muttered revengefully in his mind, though. "What's with Lightyear then? Zap-o-gone, turned to a mental veggie?"

"No, he has just been turned aside, like I said. He shall be too busy with other things than being a space ranger, after he wakes up. And as he is not on my way, I shall be ready to perform the take-over of the Galaxy! Though I do not know how to do that yet... humm... urhm..." he deliberated a finger on the place of his helmet chin, "As an almighty Evil Emperor I should have a dandy scheme always in my mind, but perhaps I must bear an exception now... hjium... oh well, I shall come up with it soon. I shall. That is the truthest of truth! Yes!" He clapped his hands together. "Oh and Darkmatter. Once you have finished with the socks, you can start with the cutely frilly coffee table napkins. I have a whole room of them and they need extra-careful gentle tiny wash. I am charitably giving you the option of making them dandily clean and silky!"

--Med Bay, Star Command--

"Is he...?"

"Awakening, yep. Hope the kid's all right. Sweet mother of Venus, I bet this was some sort of trap that stinkin' helmet-bogey made you. Shouldn't have let you on that darned asteroid", Commander Nebula grunted. He stagnated at a hospital bed with the space ranger triplet, watching Buzz who was in the arms of the bed sheets. The Captain, who had been hours and hours in the misty lands, was gradually beginning to open his eyes. The LGM's had concluded that he had no physical handicaps of any sort caused by the hit.

"Uhh..." Buzz moaned, sitting up arduously. He lifted his hands to hold his aching head, but soon left a squeal out of his throat.

"Ahh! What has happened! Mirror! I need a mirror, now!"

Wondering XR rummaged his inners and passed him a looking glass. "Relax, cap. You aren't the headless horseman yet if that's what you think."

But another screech deafened the audience as Buzz saw himself. "AHH! I cannot look like this! AHH my gorgeous smooth hair! What have you done to it!" He went on ripping his cowl off, running his fingers through his raven, short-cut locks. "AHH! I need hair gel! AHH! There is one unshaven beard hair on my chin! EEP! I look terrible!" Bouncing up from the bed, he zoomed straight to the nearest men's room. The flabbergasted team was left to stare after his feet's dust.

"Uhh... what's with Buzz?" Booster gave a pip.

"Hmh. The LGM's med-probe reported that Buzz is alright. But it was some Zurg's blasted blast that struck Buzz, and we don't yet know what it was for."

"One thing it made good", XR noted, "We now know he's got hair. I always though he had a shiny lumpy bald under the hood and that it was super-glued on his big head." This quasi-friendly side comment caused a row of angry glares being shot at the robot.

A few hours later the android, Mira, and Booster were standing outside the same men's room where their captain had vanished. During all this time, no-one had creaked the door open or stepped out. The rookies gradually had become worried.

"Umm Buzz? Are you still there?" Nova knocked the door.

"Indeed I am. Only a slight finish and everything shall be splendid." A voice echoed back with a weird drawling tone in it.

"Now we got the meteors in disorder in someone's head. Our cap doesn't talk like that." XR twiddled his thumbs, looking suspicious.

"He didn't speak that way when he woke up although the yelps were rather... un-Lightyear", the Princess admitted.

Right at the moment the entrance zoomed open. Out stepped Buzz Lightyear, but barely recognizable. The whole team gasped with saucer-round oculars. Their commanding officer looked like some swaggering fashion model. His every single hair was individually curled, obviously a ton of hair lacquer holding the stone-stiff coiffure together. The rest of the time he had obviously spent by polishing his big teeth. They shone so blaringly white that he should have carried a warning sign of obligatory usage of sunglasses around him if not willing to get eye injuries. A stupidly smug 10-parsek wide grin was stamped on his face, and his tip of the nose was appropriately pointing also upwards.

"Ah, I do not comprehend how I had managed to fall into a shamefully untidy state like that! Phifft!" he wiped some imaginary dust off his jumpsuit sleeve. "However now, excuse me for leaving the presence of your companionship. I must dash. I shall need new clothes. It is an unforgettable scandal to promenade around in a vulgar costume like this, but oh I must bear it for a moment still. Farewell." Cockily tiptoeing forwards, Buzz was about to leave.

"Uh Buzz? You... A-are you sure you're... emm... alright? You sound... uhh... different." Mira gave a nervous blurt.

"Indeed I am perfectly fine, mademoiselle, if not counting the presence of this plebeian suit I am carrying. Oh and if I may make a note, perhaps mademoiselle Nova should refine slightly her language. A custom nobility evening school perhaps. Now, farewell. I definitely ought to go." Hence he pattered away.

"Ok, ok... he's missing a bit more than just a few planets from his orbits. Indeed? I shall? Vulgar? If he wasn't a Z Mini-Me before, now he indeed is so", the android snorted to Mira who was still bright red with chagrin. "What did that Lord Dark Helmet do to him?"

"I hope Buzz will be alright tomorrow! That's not Buzz at all", Munchapper added to the soup.

--Planet Z, again--

Zurg followed the whole presentation via a spybot's remote camera.

"Splendid! Capital! Mission accomplished, muwahahaha!"

Warp juxta the Emperor remained scratching his hair. He could not quite get the point. Buzz was alive, but seemed somehow changed. What was the final effect of the Izzard's ray supposed to be? "Umh... what did ya shoot him with? If it was an IQ devolver, I bet it was somewhat futile since ya cannot actually devolve that monkey's brains any more from what they already were."

"No, no... I would call it an ego-boost. It is very simple. I plainly loaded the modulator with my own brainwaves that are affecting in him now."

"Brainwaves? Ego? How's that gonna throw him outta track? He's 130 percent full of himself already."

"Ahh but a tad more of it shall change his ego-identity so concentrated on itself, that he shall not be interested in his pathetic Star Comma any more. Without him defending the Alliance, it is rather much just a puny comma in the sky, miuhuhuhuu! Ahh that was a good spicy quibble! A comma! Iihahaha! A few days and you shall see, you shall see... It will get worse, a few days more and that cursed Lightyear shall not be any more on my way. Then it shall be only my way", his helmet haughtily grinning, Zurg tapped his unnaturally long fingers together. "Then... By the way, I have a new mission for you."

Warp sighed having certain expectations. But the word 'mission' sounded promising.

"Mission coffee-table napkins shall continue! Part one done, they are washed, balmy with the scent of tidiness! Oo! Tomorrow you can start the monogramming. It is too expensive to have made my ornamental initial to them, so I can save loads of uni-bucks by putting you on the job. And you must remember to be careful with the fine string and the tiny embroidery needles. They cost a fortune, but as an emperor, I want best quality! And you better be dashy with the task since I need them for the next week's dark side masquerade party. I shall dress up as myself, thus no-one can guess who I am."

Darkmatter's blueness had blanched to ashen snow.

--Next day--

Rangers walking in the vast corridors of the Star Command Headquarters encountered an odd sight. A male with a shiny-black suit, patent leather shoes, a high top hat on the top of his wavy locks, a silvery walking-stick in his hand, traipsed towards Commander Nebula's office. Hardly anyone could have believed this gent to be Buzz Lightyear. The least his team that was negotiating with the HQ's leader right at the moment in the very same room. As the Captain marched in, they were glued onto their seats with jaws verging on the foot ledge.

"Buongiorno, signore Nebula", Buzz bowed deep instead of giving the official ranger greeting, "I have come to present my resignation from Star Command. It is a sheer pity, which I deeply mourn, to leave thy splendid place of employment. But I have signed a working contract with the Model Agency of Me, Myself and I. I shall start as a photographic model from tomorrow on, which I consider bringing out better my gorgeousness than being a space ranger." He brushed some dust off his glossy top hat with a tissue that had the letter 'B' sewn on it. Also, as studying better his outfit, this initial could be seen jutting out in several places, like the knob of his cane and his silk tie.

The aghast-flown Commander could not believe his ears or any sensing organs. "Buzz, you... you can't! Blast, we people need you here! Craters, so this was that stinkin' grilltooth's plan! To make our best ranger insane with some darned idiotizing ray!" he gesticulated to the remaining team. "Take him to the LGM lab now, we gotta find out what's gone to him."

"Sorry Sir!" Munchapper gave a nervous blurt and lifted the abruptly horror-struck Buzz up. Soon he was kicking and screaming in the air.

"Set thy presence away from my nearness, thou ill-mannered peasant! Thou are crumpling up my French hand-made suit! EEP! My hat! Thou left thy greasy fingerprints on it! I had it just splendidly polished! EEK! Please go wash thyself, the odor or thee is slaying my sweetly flowery perfume!" he squealed while being carried towards the Med Bay, beginning to sound like a whacked-up Shakespeare as the minutes went on.

"Oooo... Nooo goood..." a multitude of squeaks concluded unpromisingly. Buzz was lying on a study table, a brainscan device on his head, and bandages around arms and legs keeping him from escaping.

"Thou messed my hair! It did take three hours to wax it to a shininess of splendor! Thou barbarians! And indeed adding to this, I broke a nail!"

"Eeeevilll..." the LGM's whined in a frightful choir, their antennas quivering. "Evil brainwaves! Zuuurrrrg! Zurg has affected his mind with evil brainwaves!"

Nebula fell more and more severe. "Yesterday you should've come up with that he's not alright at all. Can you guys do anything?" he spread his arms, "I gotta get my best ranger back! Sweet mother of Venus, he's bonkers! Is there any antidote for this?"

A grave silence of tomb filled the room. And immeasurable distances away, on the dark planet of izzards, a vile teeth plate cackled complacent to the beginning fall of Star Command.


Chapter two will come later. Buzz will take part on the famous Mister Galaxy contest, while Zurg develops his evil schemes further. AKA things will make perhaps even less sense than in this brainless chapter.