Pairing: Paul/Bella

Genre: Romance/Family/Comedy

Category: Alternate Universe/Out of Character/Extremely Over The Top

Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author-mama4dukes. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

This story was originally published by mama4dukes on Tricky Raven on December 12, 2015.

The Rabbit Meets the Magic Stick

by mama4dukes

The following morning, Paul parked his car in the school lot and leaned up against it to wait for Bella. The Cullens had just arrived and were parked a few stalls away from him.

A red Subaru Outback pulled up to the drop off point. Bella hopped out of the car, and yelled, "Bye, Mom!"

"Bella, honey, it's starting to rain. Make sure you get inside quickly," Renee advised her as she exited the vehicle.

"I will. Have a good day at work."

She spotted Paul and waved. Edward Cullen waved eagerly back to her, but she didn't notice him. Her eyes were focused on her wolf, and she headed towards him with a smile on her face. Paul noticed the entire Cullen coven stopped to stare, their eyes following his imprint's every movement.

Bella thought there was something familiar about the scene, but she couldn't place it. What was it? Just as she got to Paul, she suddenly heard tires squealing. Tyler Crowley's van was barreling towards them. Clearly, he had no brakes. Paul reacted by gently pulling Bella out of harm's way before attempting to dive underneath his car. His effort to save himself was obstructed, however, and he instead found himself in an awkward position. Edward Cullen was cradling him with his right arm and holding the van from sliding with the other. Tyler shut his engine off and the van finally stopped, while the vampire cooed, "Bella, my love? Are you alright?"

"Get your hands off of me, Cullen!" Paul roared.

"You!" Edward shouted accusingly. "It wasn't supposed to be you!"

"Oh my God! Paul, are you okay?" Bella asked, then caught sight of Edward holding him with one hand and the van with the other, and started giggling. She held her hand out for Paul and helped to pull him up.

"Um, thank you for saving my boyfriend from getting crushed by the van," she told Edward. "I really do appreciate it."

"You're with him?"

"Of course I am. I find him charming and irresistible."

"But, you're supposed to be my…you're my…Alice said…"

"Are you okay, Eddie? Maybe you hit your head too hard on the pavement yesterday after school?"

"I…you…you…supposed to be my…"

"Paul, you should thank him. After all, he did risk his life to save yours."

"Thanks, dude," he said before gathering Bella in his arms to hold her. He kissed her soundly in front of the entire student body, just in case anyone else got any more crazy ideas.

Mrs. Julia Hammond, the school nurse, arrived on the scene. Several student witnesses described what had happened to her. Bella and Paul, of course, recognized her from the cafeteria in 1987.

"Mrs. Hammond, I believe Edward might be suffering from a concussion," Bella told him. "Why, just a few seconds ago, he was babbling incoherently. He can't even form a complete sentence."

Edward started shaking his head vigorously. Bella knew that he didn't want to risk being transported to the hospital. "I…no…no…doctor…no ambulance…" He pointed to Bella. "My…my…mate."

"You are a very observant young lady, Isabella. I'm so happy that you recognized the signs of a concussion. He is not making any sense at all." The school nurse pulled out her cell phone and called for an ambulance. As a precaution, Edward, Paul, and Tyler were all transported to the emergency room, where they were examined by Dr. Cullen and Dr. Lahote. As soon as Dr. Swan was informed that his daughter was somehow involved in the incident, he came flying downstairs from his office and would not leave until the entire story was relayed to him.

"You put your life at risk for my daughter. Thank you, Paul," Charlie said gratefully and shook his hand. "You've got a great kid there, Adam."

"And thank you, Edward, for saving my son's life. Carlisle, you've really taught your kid well," Adam told the vampire doctor, who didn't look comfortable at all. Dr Lahote then turned to Charlie. "Like I said, I have a feeling about Bella and Paul."

"Me, too, buddy. Me, too."

Edward was the only one who saw no justice in the situation. He was utterly embarrassed and was sure he had become the laughing stock of Forks High School for risking his life to save a boy. He hadn't meant to save Paul. He had meant to save Bella Swan. Dr. Swan should have been on his knees with gratitude in front of him right now instead of shaking Paul's hand.

On top of that, there was the 'Netflix and Chill' incident yesterday? How was he to know that thatparticular phrase was code for let's have sex? He had not seen the need to keep informed of modern teen lingo. He would have never been so vulgar as to suggest having premarital intercourse with a woman, especially one as beautiful as Isabella.

Clearly, something had gone wonky in Alice's vision. She had been positive that the BellaPop girl was his mate, but it turned out that she was mistaken. Alice had seen a mild mannered, obedient, and subservient girl, but Isabella Swan was nothing like the girl in her predictions. She was confident, outgoing, and even a bit on the mischievous side. She did have an intoxicating scent, but even that was not as delectable as Alice had predicted. There was a tinge of an odd, pungent odor that wouldn't be detectable to a human. Sadly, that scent was in her blood so if he had to mate with her, it would become…no, he couldn't go through with it without choking. Edward decided to cut his losses. Obviously, some spur of the moment change in Bella's mindset had changed the whole outcome of her future and his.

Edward Cullen never bothered Bella Swan again. In fact, Edward Cullen was never seen again. He left Forks as soon as he was discharged from the emergency room. Two weeks later, the entire Cullen coven left Forks, Washington. This time, rather than locking up their house, they emptied it and sold the property for a pittance as they were in a rush to complete the transaction and leave the area permanently. Swan Pro Beauty Products paid cash for the property, had the house razed, and erected the brand new multi-million dollar headquarters for the company.


The only other challenging event happened on Friday after school. Paul was kissing Bella by his car when a girl with bleached-blonde hair started shrieking at them. The crazy loon slapped Paul across the cheek. Bella didn't take to kindly to her boyfriend being assaulted so she, in turn, slapped the girl across her face.

"How dare you? You boyfriend stealer! Who is this slut?" the girl asked.

"Who the hell are you?" an appalled Paul asked.

The girl whipped out her iPhone, started scrolling through it, and showing them pictures. "Who am I? Who am I? I'm Emma—your girlfriend! We have been together since March and you have the nerve to act like you don't even know who I am? You asshole!"

"Oh, you're that Emma," Bella said, realizing who she was. "I'll see you later, Paul. Good luck with this." She winked at him and walked towards Jacob's Rabbit.

Great! His girlfriend had just abandoned him with a nut job. This must have been Placeholder Paul's girlfriend. She wasn't even his type. She wore too much makeup, she was too shallow, and her hair was obviously over-bleached.

"I forgive you!" Emma said suddenly. "I understand that it was probably temporary insanity that made you kiss that thing." She pointed towards Bella and shook her head with disgust. "You'd better make it worth my while, though! I want you to take me out to El Gaucho for steak, and I want you to buy me that BellaPop eyeshadow palette and the new makeup brushes that Swan Pro came out with last month."

Paul couldn't help but chuckle at the irony in that statement. Thinking that he was going to give in to her demands, she gushed, "I love you, my Paulie Poo."

Jacob, who was sitting a few cars away with Bella, was listening in and repeating the conversation word for word to her. Both kids clutched their stomachs and cackled in laughter.

Paul heard them laughing—so much for loyalty between friends. Enough was enough. He had to put an end to this. "Listen, Emma, is it?"

"You know what my name is, Paul!" she snapped, incensed. She put her hands on her hips and started huffing and rolling her eyes. A crowd had gathered and some kids had whipped out their phones and started filming.

"This isn't going to work out. We simply live too far away from each other."

"You told me you loved me! On your last Facebook post, which was two weeks ago, by the way. I don't know what you were thinking not updating your status for so long. You know that I want to know what you're doing every hour or two!"

"Are you out of your mind? You're not my keeper!"

"Of course not, but I am your girlfriend. Besides, we're like practically married. We've been together for four and a half months—that's like an eternity. Anyway, you told me you loved me."

"Well, things changed!"

"Is it because of the slut you were kissing! Does she even know who I am? I'm the exclusive model for the In and Out Discount Stores! Who the hell is she?"

Paul was tempted to tell her that she was the BellaPop girl, but he didn't because he really didn't care about that stuff. He loved Bella simply because she was Bella.

The floozie reached into her purse and took out a sparkly tube of lipstick and opened it. She leaned down to look into the driver's side mirror of his Audi and seductively applied it. She licked her lips and pouted at Paul.

"Is she as good as I am in bed? Can she keep you satisfied?"

Bella reached for the football sitting in the backseat of Jake's car. "Bells, put that down!" Jake ordered. "Let the bimbo have her say."

"Can't I just go up to her and give her one roundhouse kick to the jaw? That's it. I swear to God, that's all I'll do."

"Bells, you can't give Placeholder Paul's girlfriend a roundhouse kick. She has no idea she was dating a placeholder." Jake placed Bella on his lap just in case she tried to do something stupid. "Besides, she was using BellaPop lipstick. You can't injure someone for having good taste."

"Well, I don't like the idea of her using anything with my name on it." She folded her arms in front of her chest and scowled.

Meanwhile, Paul was becoming frustrated with the blonde tart, who seemed to not be listening to him. He tried breaking up with her again. "I'm sorry. It really isn't going to work out between us."

"No! Please, Paul! You're the love of my love." She got a desperate glint in her eyes and licked her lips. Paul flinched at the sight of her. "Does Little Paulie Poo want to come out and play?" She got down on her knees and tried to unzip his pants. He backed away quickly.

"And they call me an exhibitionist?" Bella asked Jake. "This is a high school parking lot! We should call my dad and have her arrested."

"Your dad isn't police chief any longer, honey. He's an orthopedic surgeon."

"I kind of liked being the police chief's kid. It came with a lot of perks." Bella sighedas she recalled being pulled over and given a ticket for speeding on the 101 the other day. Her parents had taken the keys away from the new truck her grandpa had just given her, plus she had to work off the fine with sweat equity. She didn't mind that part, but since when the hell did her dad and mom become so parent-like and responsible?

She looked over to see that Emma was trying to twerk on Paul.

"That girl is nuts, Bells!" Jacob said. "Maybe we should go and help him before she attacks Little Paulie Poo."

The two buddies started howling with laughter in the car.

"Goodbye, Emma," Paul said with finality.

"You can't do this to me! We are a power couple! Do you hear me? You can't do this to me!" Emma threw her iPhone at Paul. It shattered on the ground into a hundred pieces. She started screaming and pitching a fit that could rival any two year old throwing a tantrum. "I hate you, Paul Lahote! You made me break my iPhone! I hate you!"

"Goodbye, Emma," he repeated.

She got into her Volvo and sped away from Forks, and out of Paul's life, for good.

Quil walked over to Paul. He had been watching from the sidelines with Jared and Seth. "What the hell were you doing dating that thing, cuz? She's certifiably insane and she takes 'ho' to a new level! I mean Katie can be a slutty, but that's just in private with me."

"The hell if I know," Paul replied. "At least I finally broke up with her."

"Good. We don't need psycho's like her in our family." Quil looked seriously at him. "I know you've been hanging out with my other cousin lately—the cool one. Don't hurt her or you'll have to answer to me."

"I'm not going to hurt, Bella. I really care about her."

"Geez. I never imagined that my least favorite cousin and my favorite one would begin dating."

"Hey, she's not my cousin."

"I know that, but still. I thought Bella had better taste."

"I'm growing on you, though, aren't I? Admit it."

"Yeah, you're not as bad as you used to be. What changed anyway?"

"I don't know. I just woke up one morning and decided not to be an asshole."

Quil smiled at him. "Well, keep up the good work. Alright, I'm off to practice. Are you taking Bella home or am I?"

"Looks like Jake's got her," Paul said.

"Yeah, looks like it." He then hollered, "I'll pick you up on Monday morning, okay?"

"Got it!" Bella replied and gave Quil a thumbs up.

Paul walked to the Rabbit and hopped into the backseat. "Glad that's done and over with," he said.

"That'll teach you to break up with your old girlfriend before getting a new girlfriend," Jake said.


"Yes, Paulie Poo?" Bella started laughing uncontrollably along with Jake.

"God, damn it! I'm never going to live that down, am I?"

"No, Paulie Poo," Jake assured him.

"Paul, apparently you have a Facebook account. At least Emma said you had one. I wouldn't be surprised if we all had Facebook accounts. We should check our laptops and phones because that'll give us an insight into the lives our placeholders led. I can't believe I didn't think of that before."

"How did you become so smart?" Paul asked Bella then kissed her softly on the lips.

"That's why we keep her, Paul. She's resourceful," Jake said. "How about if we hang out at my place tonight and check our social media accounts?"

"Aren't you going out with Lauren?"

"No, she and her parents are visiting her grandparents in Astoria this weekend. It's their anniversary."


"Oh, speaking of which, here Bells." Jake handed her a wrapped gift. She opened it up to find two intricately carved wolves on a leather bracelet.

"Thank you!" She hugged her friend tightly. "What's this for?"

"Silly, it's your birthday today! You're seventeen again!"

"That is so screwed up, but this time I like being seventeen." She kissed Jake on the cheek. "Thank you for remembering."

"You're making me look really bad today, man!" Paul complained.

"You didn't know. Bella hates to make a big deal about birthdays and stuff. Anyway, the two wolves are Paul and me. We'll always protect you."

"I know you will." She gave Jake a kiss on his cheek.

"Wow! You're really talented, Jake," Paul praised. "I didn't know you knew how to carve wood. I think those wolves really look like us."

"They do," Bella agreed.

She was having trouble with the clasp on her bracelet so Jake reached down to help her. When he turned her wrist around, he gasped, "Holy crap."


"Your vampire bite is gone."


"I'm serious. Take a look."

All three kids examined her wrist. "It's gone. Wow. How did that happen?"

"I don't know. This is the arm I sliced down, too, but there's no scar," Bella mentioned.

"Maybe it's because we killed James before he could bite you," Paul surmised wisely.

"That has to be it."

"Alright, so are we going to my house or not?" Jake asked.

"Yep, let me just follow you there," Paul said.

"Bella, you'd better drive. You'll never get there with Paul behind the wheel." He still drove about five miles below speed limit, which was better than ten miles per hour, but still they had to count on adding a few extra minutes of commuting time with him driving.

"I bow to the master," Paul said as he handed Bella his car keys. "We'll meet you at your place, Jacob."

"See you soon!"

Jacob smiled as he drove to his house. His life had done a 180 for the better. He had an awesome family and a wonderful imprint, but most importantly, he had two of the greatest friends a guy could ever ask for—Bella and Paul. The three of them together had done the impossible—they had brought balance back to their little circle in Forks and La Push.