Some Nasty Accident: Potions Extreme
Disclaimer: I don't want the whole Harry Potter franchise – I'd be happy with Snapey-poo. Or with Alan Rickman. Or even Jason Isaacs dolled up as Lucius. Okay, who the hell am I kidding, maybe I do want the whole thing. But I do NOT own it.
Also, there are hundreds of humor fics and SS/HG fics on the Internet. If I've copied any in any way, shape, or form, please know it was unintentional. I may also have been subliminally influenced by anything I read, so just don't sue me! _
Warning: Rated R for a reason – vulgar language, sexual innuendoes, and slash references. Nothing explicit though.
A/N: Okay, I know the title's lame, but I usually come up with stupid titles, and so, to save this one from being incredibly stupid, I tried to incorporate something interesting: the acronym of the title is SNAPE. ^_^
On reflection, perhaps leaving Voldemort and joining Dumbledore hadn't been such a great choice.
Severus Snape scowled as the jovial headmaster clapped him on the back. "Headmaster, I must continue to protest. You know I'm really not suited for this sort of thing – Poppy, Minerva, god knows, even Sibyll would be a better choice."
"Nonsense!" cried Dumbledore good-naturedly. "They may be women, but your talent at Potions makes you the best candidate. Besides, cooking is an art I'm sure you've perfected long before Potions. You ought to be comfortable with it."
"The house elves -," objected Severus feebly.
"Are on a well-deserved vacation to Disneyworld! Come now, man, you can't seriously begrudge them their much-earned break. Think how charming it is . . . I can imagine Dobby leading the others on a magical adventure through the 'It's a Small World After All' ride right now . . .." Dumbledore's eyes took on a misty quality as he envisioned dainty house elves dancing and singing along with the robots in the tunnel.
Beside him, Severus was bitterly hoping the elves would get trapped on a never-ending roller coaster of pain and torment. Tiny squeaks and moans of nausea filled his head as he smiled sadistically.
The aged wizard continued, "After all, you don't need to cook the quantity of food needed to supply one thousand students and faculty. Just whip up several dishes and we'll use a Duplicating Spell on them to produce enough."
One last time, the besieged Potions master attempted to sway his senile employer. "You don't understand, Professor," he said through gritted teeth and a forced smile. "This is something I absolutely can not - ,"
"Turn down," finished Dumbledore facetiously. "Just make sure not to poison us all, Severus."
And with a little wave and final smile, he left, humming a few bars from Bizet's Carmen.
This was something that would never have happened to him if he'd still been serving the Dark Lord. No, back then it was wholesome, fulfilling murder and torture, oh, what he wouldn't give for the good old days - but then again, licking Voldemort's boots hadn't exactly been a whole lot of fun either.
Just yesterday, Hooch had come by and asked him to brew a potion for her. When you were talking about Hooch, "ask" meant "threatened blithely while flexing muscles hardened from years of Quidditch training." With such persuasive tactics, how could he have said no? Even if it was a powerful aphrodisiac that she'd refused to inform him of the intended purpose.
I'm turning into some sort of free potions retailer! If only I'd had the nerve to refuse her . . . then Dumbledore wouldn't have come with his ridiculous request. Shouldn't have let them bully me into this . . . I really ought to have listened to Mother when she signed me up for those self-esteem classes – should have learned to beassertive . . . but no, vindictive stewing wasn't going to get him anywhere, he realized as he began chopping carrots savagely.
As he tipped the remaining ingredients into a cauldron, his eyes scanned the shelves above his sink, searching for something to add a subtle undertone of rich flavor . . ..
Ah, that purple bottle was a delectable sauce of his own creation that he was rather fond of. He poured a small amount into the pot, wrinkling his nose a bit at the smell. That wasn't how he remembered it . . . wasn't it a bit tangier?
Oh well. It was probably the effects of aging, though he was sure it was perfectly safe anyway. Severus hadn't cooked for himself for a while.
"Mmm, Severus, that smells heavenly." Dumbledore said as he arrived an hour before dinner. In order to duplicate such a great amount, he needed a while, and he beamed as he levitated them into the air, preparing to take them to the kitchens. "I must say you've outdone yourself."
In response, Severus let out an unintelligible grunt. Privately, however, he was quite proud of his culinary skills as well.
It wasn't until dinner that he realized that something had gone horribly wrong.
Professor Flitwick let out a little squeak of surprise as McGonagall broke off mid-sentence and stood abruptly as they were discussing a particularly troublesome Ravenclaw. Her eyes shone with a frightening hunger, and she turned to Dumbledore.
No one was prepared for what she did next.
"COME TO MAMA YOU SEXY BEAST!!!"
Thus yelled the normally dignified Transfiguration teacher as she launched herself madly at Dumbledore.
Everyone gasped in shock as their insane Deputy Headmistress jumped their Headmaster. All the boys, that is.
At the Slytherin table, Millicent Bulstrode had leaped upon the unfortunate Gregory Goyle while screaming something about "want to ride you like a broomstick!" Severus didn't think she meant the kind you could purchase from Quality Quidditch Supplies either.
Dropping his fork, Severus watched in consuming dread as all around the Great Hall, girls started shrieking wildly and attacking various boys.
Longbottom? Damn. And I'd had my money on Finnigan all this time . . .
Suddenly, he realized what had happened (after vowing to be especially vicious to Lavender for causing him to owe McGonagall ten Galleons).
"Hooch's aphrodisiac," he whispered hoarsely.
To his right, Professor Trelawney was unbuttoning her gaudily beaded blouse in a faintly disturbing manner.
"Ohh," she purred, "has anyone ever told you just how manly," (her eyes glinted with a demonic light) "you are –,"
Oh, please, no! But she was turning to Flitwick, thank god – and then she pounced.
Severus couldn't contain his revulsion, and stood up swiftly to make for the Slytherin table.
"Follow me! Quickly!"
The male Slytherins who were able to do so made their escape, some of them casting back regretful looks at their friends who couldn't be saved.
"To the dungeons," he muttered, a cold sweat springing over his forehead. There was no way the aphrodisiac he'd made could have been this strong. It was unearthly, the way all the females in the Great Hall had looked . . . and he was to blame.
"Oi! Wait up, Snape!"
"Bloody hell . . .." The gods were cruel. It just had to be his good luck that Sirius Black had also fled from the nymphomaniacs in the Great Hall unscathed.
Sirius and Remus had returned this year, now Potter's seventh, to teach. Black taught History of Magic, now that Binns had finally retired, and Lupin had taken his old post of Defense Against the Dark Arts. While Severus still held contempt for Black, there was no denying that he'd grown up at last, and he was able to tolerate Sirius in small doses. He'd never really hated Lupin and they got along fairly well, even developing what Remus tentatively labeled "friendship."
The Slytherin students looked on apprehensively as the three professors began talking, and many cringed fearfully at the occasional roars and shrill screams in the room behind them.
"Black. Lupin." Severus acknowledged them tersely.
Remus's face was distraught. "Severus, you just abandoned the rest of the students! What about all the boys in Gryffindor, Ravenclaw, and Hufflepuff?"
Severus arched an eyebrow. "They're not my responsibility. I learned that five years ago when I wasn't allowed to expel Potter and Weasley."
Upon seeing Black open his mouth indignantly, he added, "It was difficult enough to get all my House out of there. If you want to go back and rescue the others, please feel free to do so."
"No need," interrupted a breathless voice.
Everyone spun around.
"Harry!" cried Black with obvious relief.
Potter was disheveled, but in one piece, and he'd managed to lead a minority of the other males in Hogwarts out alive.
"Harry!" echoed Remus joyfully.
"Good God." Severus turned his back on the maudlin reunion and glowing face of Potter, once again the hero, only to discover that one of his precious Slytherins was missing.
Vincent Crabbe was biting his fingernails fretfully. The absence of his smaller partner in the bodyguard industry was taking its toll on him, as was the absence of someone marginally intelligent enough to give him orders every five seconds. At times Severus had doubted Crabbe would have remembered to breathe without Draco's guiding presence.
Perspiring slightly again, Severus turned to William Nott. Crabbe was obviously in no condition to answer, and personally, Severus wasn't sure if he'd ever heard the boy talk before.
Trying to sound casual, he asked, "Mr. Nott, where is Mr. Malfoy?"
"Er – well," Nott fidgeted under his Head of House's penetrating gaze.
This really was not good. As much as the boy revolted him, Lucius was a powerful man, not to mention one of Voldemort's favorites. Things would not go well for Severus if Lucius's first-born son had fallen prey to a group of hormonally over-charged teenage girls.
Whilst in the middle of debating whether to go back and rescue Malfoy or just leave him, an ominous rumble interrupted his feverish deliberating, and Remus flinched.
"Perhaps we should start for the dungeons, Severus," he suggested, allowing only a slight hint of anxiety to enter his voice.
Finally deciding to leave the boy to his own devices, Snape nodded briefly and led the motley group who had managed to escape to his impregnable domain.
As they walked the corridor outside of the Great Hall, Severus's sharp ears, notorious for pinpointing the exact location of two unfortunate, giggly clandestine lovers when he stalked about at night, detected a strange keening. Black heard it too, and being the most foolhardy of the three men present, flung the door from which it issued behind of open.
Lupin and Snape immediately wished he hadn't.
Severus screwed his eyes shut in fervent agreement, too blinded by the nightmare he had just seen to do anything.
Luckily, Remus wasn't affected as much, and lunged to shut the door, closing out the disturbing image of Trelawney and Sinistra passionately making love, and making unusual use of a few interestingly shaped cucumbers.
Some of the students were gagging, and the sounds restored Severus to full Intimidating Potions Master mode.
He snapped, "Move along, quickly!" and then turning on Sirius, "You just had to go around stupidly opening doors, and with no idea of what was behind them!"
Sirius sputtered feebly, "Well – what if it had been – student in trouble – Malfoy, for example?"
"Maybe a deaf person would have mistaken those sounds for Mr. Malfoy's voice, but to my ears, they sounded distinctly female!"
"You wouldn't know what a satisfied woman sounded like unless you'd drugged one with your blasted potions!" sneered Sirius, composing himself hastily.
In order to prevent what was rapidly escalating into a heated row, Remus stepped in glibly. "Now, Sirius, Draco is Severus's responsibility, and he will find the boy. Let's just get along to the dungeons, where it's safe."
What little sense Black possessed apparently urged him to follow Lupin's well-appointed advice, and he satisfied himself by scowling sullenly at Snape.
The group of three teachers and the select few boys clever or lucky or merely undesirable enough to evade the clutches of a mad female moved stealthily. As they walked, some were wincing occasionally at the loud bangs that indicated the women were moving out of the Great Hall, or shaking heads pityingly at some poor soul's ineffectual pleads for mercy. Crabbe seemed to be taking the loss of Malfoy and Goyle very hard, and at some point, began dissolving into great bellowing sobs resembling those of a wounded hippopotamus. Severus swung around and aimed his famous death glare at the Slytherins surrounding Crabbe, meaning very plainly, "Shut him up."
Fearful of their Head of House, a bunch of boys knocked Crabbe out and dragged him along with great effort. At a compassionate shake of the head from Remus, they left him on the ground and to his fate.
Angry with himself for his careless mistake, Severus had taken the lead with long, clipped strides, and was absorbed in self-deprecating thoughts, when a timid Ravenclaw called out nervously, "Professor?"
When he didn't answer, the boy repeated more urgently, "Professor?"
The poor child sounded about to wet his pants, so Sirius, taking pity on him, leaned down and whispered conspiratorially, "Kid, he's in a pissy mood . . . not that he's not always that way . . . but best to stay away from him. He's got teeth, and he'll bite!" As an afterthought, he added, "Rawr!" and made a scary face.
"But – but – there's someone behind that door, sir! It sounds like Malfoy . . ."
Remus, who owned keen ears as well, due to his werewolf status, stopped and nudged Severus. "I think you should take a look, Severus."
"Oh, very well," he groused. Sirius swiftly stepped out of his way as he stormed back to the door in question. Indeed, muffled grunts and interjections could be heard from within, and a voice clearly belonged to one Draco Malfoy.
"Mr. Malfoy!" enunciated Severus loudly. "Don't worry, Draco, I'll save you!"
At those words, Harry suddenly got an image of a Snape in tights and a cape, swooping down to stop a runaway train. Ron obviously was thinking the same thing, and they both doubled over in convulsive laughter.
All waited apprehensively as Snape strode briskly into the room. There was a long silence. Remus looked anxiously at Sirius, and both stepped into the room as well.
A paranoid Hufflepuff shrieked, "They've got them! We're all going to lose our virginity to a bunch of sex-crazed monsters!"
Seamus smirked. "Don't know about you, mate, but some of us have already lost our virginity." It was common knowledge Seamus had been making frequent trips to the Gryffindor girls' dormitory, much to the dismay of many of Lavender's dorm mates.
"Too much information," someone muttered.
Harry asked, "Wasn't that Sirius?"
Just when Harry was steeling himself to walk in the room, three very shell-shocked professors came out. Snape was the first to recover, and bent down towards Nott, inquiring something. After receiving a murmured answer, Snape straightened again, looking rather troubled.
"Well?" said Harry impatiently (because of course Harry's so morally great that he can find it in his heart to feel concern for his greatest rival). "Where's Malfoy?"
Snape replied in a distant tone, "Mr. Malfoy will not be joining us any time soon, Potter, you can rest assured of that," emphasizing "Mr." ever so slightly.
"Hang on . . ." Ron stared, bemused by Snape's strange behavior. "Why's that?"
Severus couldn't be bothered to do anything further than glare, so Remus explained gently, "He is under the effects of whatever all the girls are suffering from."
Ron and Harry went from red to yellow to green in less than ten seconds.
"But that's only affecting the girls . . ."
"Yes, well, when this is all over, Draco is going to have a lot of explaining to do. Lucius as well," remarked Severus acidly.
"Poor man," mock-sympathized Ron, after a short silence.
"To find out his favorite student was a cross-dresser."
"I can hear you, you know."
Harry and Ron bit back laughter as Remus smiled benevolently at them.
They made it to the relative safety of the dungeons without further incident, and crowded into a large, empty Potions classroom.
Harry's innate leadership instincts pushed him to start organizing things after a long moment of fruitless stillness. "Sirius – Remus – what are we going to do next?"
"Hide down here till the bloody Ministry gets their asses down here," came Sirius's muffled reply. The blow of seeing two very disturbing naked encounters had taken its toll, and he had now buried his head in his arms after collapsing in a chair.
"Harry, that's a good question," answered Remus, shooting an apologetic glance in Sirius's direction. "We should try to either rescue the boys up there," he jerked a finger towards the ceiling, "or make an antidote."
Severus caught the unasked question, and said carefully, "Yes, I believe I can concoct an antidote. However, the difficulty lies in ensuring all the females ingest it. There are only three adults here." Here he made a face, as if it pained him to call Sirius an adult. "And one of them is incapable of anything at the moment."
"I'd be fine if Snape knew how to turn out normal kids from his House!" protested Sirius noisily.
"Oh, and I suppose Minerva did a much better job, seeing how you've grown up!"
"Yes, she did!"
"Sirius!" Remus wrenched his friend's head from his arms and restrained the urge to give them both a good hard knock to the head. "Honestly, Severus, you're more mature, can't you just let it go?"
Beside him, Sirius scuffled violently as he tried to wriggle out of Remus's grip.
"Maybe if he hadn't tried to kill me when -,"
"GOD!" Remus let go of Sirius and pinched the bridge of his nose.
"I'm sorry, He can't help you right now," grinned Sirius.
Sighing exasperatedly, Remus motioned to his unstable friend. "Don't you have any calming potions or something?"
Frowning, Snape nodded and pulled a small vial from his robes. He tossed it to Remus, who caught it looking mildly surprised. "You carry these around with you all the time?"
"Well . . ." Severus shrugged and examined his robes closely. "I just carry various potions that I think might be useful." He displayed an assortment of flasks and bottles.
"Ah. Wait, is that a contraceptive potion?" Remus looked scandalized and reached forward to seize it.
However, Severus's reflexes were quicker and he snatched it back, stuffed it into his pocket, and flushed slightly.
"Snape's blushing!" hissed Ron.
Colin raised his camera to his face, saying in an awed tone, "Kodak moment!"
Snape whipped his wand out and pointed it between Creevey's eyes. "You were saying?" he queried, eyes glittering maliciously.
Colin lowered his camera and gulped.
When Remus had finished forcing the potion down Sirius's throat, he sat still, though sulkily.
Remus addressed the surly Potions master. "Severus – did you have a plan?"
"I think," he responded sourly, "we could simply situate operatives at strategic positions with the potion, then have them use magically enhanced spray bottles, then let diffusion take care of everything else."
"Yes, it's an uncomplicated plan," said Remus, "but it's a little iffy."
"You have any better ideas, werewolf?" retorted Snape challengingly.
"No, no; I will bow to your superior knowledge of stealth tactics," Remus said mildly.
"That's all well and good," interrupted Sirius bluntly, and at his words, the boys, like a paying audience, swung around to focus their attention on him. "But while you two tinker down here with your potions and stealthy designs, I'm going to take full advantage of the situation." He allowed himself a devilish grin.
"I see that the old Black has returned. What a relief. I live for your dazzling wit and sparkling personality. They're the only things that get me through the day." Severus had a voice that could cut through steel.
Sirius's grin widened. "Oh yeah, but I owe it all to you and your talent with potions, Snape. Great stuff."
Remus furrowed his brow. "What do you mean, Sirius?"
Chuckling, Sirius waved a hand nonchalantly. "Remus, mate, have you considered this situation seriously yet?"
"Well, yes," began Remus, offended. "I haven't been thinking this is all a harmless lark in the park -,"
"No . . . look at it this way. All the women in Hogwarts are in heat! Willing to take any man who breathes! Even if he's ugly as a camel's rear end. Don't you see the implications?"
Severus rejoined caustically, "By all means, go and – what is the current slang? Get yourself a piece of ass, I believe."
"Thanks, Snape." Sirius paused. "You ought to take advantage of it too – I mean, it's not like any woman in her right mind is going to want you any time soon. And let's face it, those little encounters with your right hand aren't exactly exceedingly gratifying either, are they?"
Several of the boys started cracking up while Snape looked livid. Remus choked disbelievingly. "Sirius – what - ?"
"See you later, Moony! It's too bad you're not coming along, but I already suspected you were playing for the other team in school. Don't worry about me! I've always wondered what Hooch was like . . . what with her hobby of handling various types of balls and broomsticks . . .." He laughed and waved jauntily as left.
"Sirius, I don't think -," started Harry. He loved his godfather, but sometimes, Snape had a point about Sirius.
"Let him go, Potter," drawled Snape coldly. "He would only get in the way."
"Sirius can be such a fool sometimes," sighed Remus, rubbing his forehead.
"I agree," acquiesced Snape as he started to gather ingredients and boil water in a large silver cauldron. "Though I'm most curious about what he said regarding your sexual preferences. Care to enlighten me, Lupin?"
Some Slytherins let out derisive laughter while the Gryffindors bristled.
"Careful, Severus," he cautioned blandly. "Or I'll just let slip the story about what happened that one year involving mint toothpaste and your favorite pair of green boxers."
"You wouldn't dare . . ." whispered Severus malevolently as he raised his wand.
"Or what? You'll hit me with that . . . ffffish?"
Severus looked at his hand, which was clutching a haddock instead of his wand. He flung it aside and seized the ladle in the cauldron.
"I'll cut your heart out with a spoon!"
"Hah, I told you it was green!" yelled a triumphant Ravenclaw suddenly.
"Damn! Everything else he wears is black," said a disgruntled Hufflepuff, who then forked money over to the beaming Ravenclaw.
"I won't even ask," said Remus, a look of mild disgust on his face. Severus just stared.
Ron burst out laughing, while Harry was hard-pressed to contain himself.
He choked out, "Is there – haha – anything – ehehehe – we can – do, Professor?" amid peals of riotous laughter.
Mindful of the ferocity with which Severus was now chopping up some chunky beige herbs, Remus injected an appropriate level of sternness into his tone. "Harry, you and the other boys should go outside to stand guard. Inform us immediately if anyone approaches."
Harry nodded, repressing his mirth, and led the others out of the room.
Risking a glance at the incensed Head of Slytherin, Remus restored his wand, placed it discreetly at his side, and ventured, "Do you need anything, Severus?"
Barely looking up, Snape said curtly, "Go to my office and get some wormwood, flax, and ground newt's tails. They're in labeled jars in the storeroom. The password is canis meus id comedit."
"Er – what?"
"God, I hate it when people need everything spelled out for them. Canis – meus – id – comedit."
"God, man, you must be really paranoid." Remus shook his head in disbelief.
Severus said dryly, "I owe it all to you charming Gryffindors."
Turning to leave, Remus asked, "What does that mean, anyway?"
"My dog ate it."
When he returned with the requested ingredients, Severus perfunctorily gestured for him to place them on the table.
"No wonder your hair's always so greasy," commented Remus casually.
Snape's head shot up. "I beg your pardon?"
"If you're always sweating over a steaming cauldron, I can understand why it's all filthy."
A thin film of perspiration was indeed forming on Severus's forehead, and little drops were beading on his infamous nose. His eyes said quite clearly, "Fuck you," and he lifted a hand to push a rebellious lock of jet hair away from his face. Then he turned back to the brewing mixture.
At that, Remus added innocently, "Why don't you ever tie your hair back? If a strand fell into a potion – and with the amount of slime on your hair – wouldn't there be adverse effects?"
He noted with interest that a muscle was working furiously in Severus's jaw.
"Watch it, Lupin," he threatened in a tight, low voice. "Remember I'm the one making your Wolfsbane Potion."
Just about to respond, Remus was stopped when a haggard Harry rushed back into the chamber with the others.
"They've found out we're down here," he gasped. "They're coming."
Instead of a witty repartee, the sound of a sharp intake of air fell from Remus's lips. The antidote wasn't ready yet, they were entirely unprepared, Sirius had probably met with a terrible fate, they were practically defenseless, there was no escape . . .. Thoughts chased each other frenetically around his head.
Severus summed up it all up admirably.
The fearful Ravenclaw squeaked, panicked. All the other boys were in a frenzy of hysteria.
What do we do?Severus attempted to think logically. I'm needed to brew the antidote, so Lupin will just have to –
"Severus, you take care of the boys! I'll go out there and buy some time!" Remus yelled heroically as he brandished his wand.
Screw Gryffindors. Get in a tight spot and they start looking for impressive ways to sacrifice themselves.Severus was plainly on his own.
Thinking Dumbledore is going to grant me a pay raise after all this is over or I'm slipping him ground glass next time we have tea, Severus strode over to Remus and shook him roughly. "Get your wits together, Lupin!" he hissed angrily. "Listen closely: I need time to finish the potion. Barricade the door. Ready the fools for a fight. Let's see if they've learned anything from you, Defense Against the Dark Arts professor."
"Okay . . . okay . . . how much more time do you need?" Remus seemed to have got it together again. Severus was thankful he wasn't stuck with someone exceedingly reckless like Black or Potter.
"Several minutes. You ought to be able to get me enough time."
Hardening his resolve, Remus nodded almost imperceptibly and turned swiftly to command the boys.
There came a barrage of pounding and feral screams from outside the door. Everyone tensed. Severus was now chopping wormwood hurriedly, and he flinched at the rough job he was making out of it. One piece was half a centimeter smaller than all the others were! He could imagine what his mother would say if she saw how he was mutilating his ingredients now (Now, honey, your ingredients are your happy friends. They let you chop them up and dice them, and the least you can do for those unselfish heroes is make sure their sacrifices aren't for nothing). . .. He'd never forgotten those lessons. So, it isn't too difficult to understand why he felt like crying now, but he bore it bravely like a man. I'll make it up to you, he swore solemnly.
Beside Justin Finch-Fletchley, the tremulous Ravenclaw was sobbing helplessly. No one could blame him, for the door was sagging. Now close to bursting open.
Amid a flurry of high-pitched shrieks, some intelligible, and rather creative propositions, the girls poured forth, panting, their eyes sparkling with lust.
One third-year Gryffindor named Simon jumped forward in a mad display of courage. He was about to yell Stupefy! but a swarm of Hufflepuffs overwhelmed him.
"Bloody idiotic Gryffindors," muttered Severus feverishly, stirring aggressively.
"Simon! Nooooo!!!" Simon's best friend, someone named Ben, sank to his knees and pulled at his hair, making a very melodramatic performance. Then he abruptly jumped to his feet and yelled, "I'll avenge you!"
And he was promptly overcome as well.
It had been a lost battle from the beginning. As he waited on tenterhooks for the potion to turn orange, Severus observed disgustedly that Remus and Harry were the only ones who knew anything about casting hexes.
Things had gone too far. He abandoned the potion (and could swear that his heart tore in half at that – remember your happy friends love you!) and rushed to Lupin and Potter's aid. Amazingly, he didn't even need to cast any spells; at his appearance, the girls all backed off, with identical looks of fear. Severus advanced; the girls retreated.
"What?" Harry stared unbelievingly.
"Er . . . oh!" Remus had a strangely knowing look on his face.
"What is it?!" snarled Severus, turning his head even as he continued to draw near the women.
"Hmm . . . interesting." Severus had never known Remus's normally benign smile could turn so evil. "It seems, Severus, that, you'll forgive the expression, you're a big turn-off."
Over the piteous whimpering of the cornered ladies, Remus continued, "Let me think of a good analogy . . . oh, yes, I've got one. It's rather comparable to werewolf sex."
Severus and Harry had for the first time, and possibly the last, said the same words in unison. A mixture of revulsion and consternation was written upon the face of one; an expression of utter disbelief and hysteria on the other.
Fighting the urge to yell, "Jinx!" and giggle spontaneously, Remus kept his face as straight as his sexual orientation – which is left to the reader to decide.
"During intercourse, the male should never smell like mangoes. Females absolutely detest the smell of mangoes, and if they detect it, they will immediately be, uh, turned-off. Once I had a friend who, forgetting, ate a whole basket of mangoes right before bedtime, and, it's sad, she wouldn't let him use his wand on her for weeks." Remus grinned roguishly, and one half-expected him to drop a cheeky wink. The Lockhart-reminiscent behavior was scary.
A long and discomfiting silence followed. Upon observing no one was wearing a look of sudden understanding, Remus dropped his proud demeanor and looked rather deflated.
Then Severus spoke. "I have three things to say, Lupin: First of all, I am appalled at your inferior mastery of the English language which has resulted in that abysmal analogy and the following, equally detestable euphemism. Secondly, it's very bizarrely insulting to be compared to the scent of mangoes in terms of desirability. ("It's definitely inaccurate," muttered Harry. "At least you know mangoes can taste good.") Kindly shut your mouth, Potter, you've never tasted me, and I'll have you know the general opinion is that I taste like fish and chips – and I don't need any salt. (Here Harry began coughing insanely) Finally, I have difficulty believing that you would know so much about heterosexual relations given your own doubtful, ah, preferences."
As Harry began sniggering uncontrollably, Remus began blushing slightly (probably out of shame from his ridiculously out of character behavior) and Severus whipped around haughtily and took advantage of the embarrassing yet highly useful dread he inspired in the female alumni and professors of Hogwarts.
"Ewww!" shrilled a bespectacled blonde as she covered her eyes pathetically. "Get away! You freak!"
Similar moans of "gross!" and "he never washes his hair!" filled the room, but immediately commenced dying down as Severus pressed his advantage and Stunned various females efficiently.
More women were pouring in, and replacing those who fell almost as rapidly as the ranks were collapsing. However, Severus was thankful that all seemed to suffer from this long-suppressed phobia of his person.
Except for one.
He hadn't made allowance in his beautifully perfect calculations for . . . her.
Hermione Granger leapt for him, eyes shining predatorily, and lips drawn back to reveal teeth so pearly and minty-fresh he winced. What was wrong? Why wasn't she frightened away from him like the others were?
So bewildered was he that his reflexes were slowed crucial milliseconds. Crucial milliseconds.
"Oh, Professor," she sighed, as she knocked him down and lay on top of him. "You can't imagine how many times I've watched you in class and - ,"
In front of him, Harry was clawing at his eyes, and next to Potter, Remus was staring with his mouth wide open.
"Get off, Miss Granger! I'm going to count to three; there will not be a four . . ." he said sharply.
"And fantasized," she breathed ecstatically as she ran her tongue from his neck to his ear.
"Miss Granger – please – control yourself – get off me -," he hissed; now strained.
Hermione only smiled wickedly and lowered her head once more. On second thought, he could get used to this . . .
It seemed that Potter and Lupin had regained lucidity at the same moment. He swiftly pushed the unconscious Hermione off (perhaps a bit more gently than he would have liked, but he didn't want to think about that) and leapt up.
In a little while, the combined efforts of Harry, Lupin, and Severus had Stunned the entire female population of Hogwarts. They then helped the other boys in the dungeons stand up, and then went up to help the others. They found many poor boys in unpleasantly compromising positions, some of them with bruised and shattered dignities, others with sheer disappointment at the intrusion, but none hurt irreparably.
Much to Severus's amusement, Sirius was found trussed up and gagged, not to mention stark naked, in an unused classroom.
"You seem to be having fun, Black," observed Severus slyly. "I think we'll just leave you here for a while. At least until you've had the chance to . . . enjoy yourself properly."
Remus coughed slightly, a faint smile tugging his lips, but he bent over Sirius and freed him. "I trust that your curiosity has been satisfied, Sirius?"
"I don't want to hear anything from you, Remus."
In the end, no harm was done, and everything went back to the usual. Dumbledore attempted to explain the situation away by blaming excessive quantities of a strange chemical in the air with a ridiculously long name that Severus felt sure was completely made up.
Well, there were some slight differences, despite the restored normality. Severus noticed lots of new happy couples exchanging saliva joyfully in public and renewed his vow to patrol the corridors of Hogwarts nightly in order to make sure no fornication took place within those hallowed halls of learning. Black lost some of his cocky manner, and while that only lasted for a week or so, Severus would still have this whole incident as blackmail material.
"We owe you one, don't we Snape?" he'd said, nudging him and grinning knowingly.
"Yes, you do," Severus replied laconically.
"I think it was a bit much on the poor girls, though, don't you? You didn't need to do all that snarling and grimacing. Remus told me all about it . . . it was rather like using a butcher knife to kill an ant, he said. Some of those girls are going to carry that trauma with them all their lives!"
At which point Severus had pointedly reminded Sirius of his own less-than-exemplary behavior. Sirius had shut up in a hurry.
Severus also noticed, with some discomfiture, that Dumbledore shared lots of knowing, mischievous smiles with McGonagall at breakfast, and unluckily overheard some house elves discussing the recent addition of some tartan bathrobes to be picked up for cleaning from Dumbledore's chambers. And of course, he never looked at Draco Malfoy the same way again.
But perhaps the most personally irritating to him was the enigma of Hermione Granger. Ever since she'd embarrassed herself by throwing herself at him, she had never been able to look him in the face in class, and seemed to perpetually be red in the face. She didn't raise her hand at all in class, a change he previously would have welcomed with many deeply drunk glasses of '46 Chardonnay in the private of his chambers. The liquor had been a treasured gift of Dumbledore's, presented one Christmas, and saved for distinguished, extremely joyous occasions. Understandably, it had never been opened. Now all the old coot gave him were outlandish articles of red, gold, and occasionally, shocking pink clothing, all of which went promptly into the fire after Severus had grimly thanked the headmaster. Of course, the old man would insist that Severus needed a little color. He was just trying to help.
Ahem. Anyway, it unnerved him to discover that he was not pleased by this change in Miss Granger. But, being the stubbornly prickly bastard that he was, he tried to take some pleasure in it.
Once at dinner, while he was deriving some sadistic satisfaction at watching Hermione squirm underneath his hostile stare, Dumbledore had noticed. The headmaster smiled, his eyes twinkled (of course), and he leaned over to whisper, "You know, Severus, Miss Granger has been single for some time now, if you're wondering."
Upon seeing Severus's dumbfounded expression, and no doubt misinterpreting it, he added, "And she is very close to graduation."
As Severus continued to wear that overwhelmed expression, now with a hint of repulsion, Dumbledore winked ostentatiously.
Severus broke his eye contact and shuddered. Ever since that unfortunate incident, Dumbledore had never been the same. It was all his damn fault. He'd never forgive himself.
The weeks wore on, and Severus tried to forget what the Headmaster had said that night. But he couldn't.
Then one day, he knew something bad was going to happen. You could say he felt it in his bones. Or maybe it had something to with the fact that during the morning's staff meeting, Trelawney had informed him that as she read his stars (or whatever nonsense she did), she had discovered that "today is a highly auspicious day to make a difference in your love life."
And of course it hadn't helped when Black muttered something that sounded suspiciously like, "Go get 'er, Tiger!" as he left the room.
And when he'd turned around, Black had looked innocent and Lupin winked. He fled before Dumbledore could catch his eye.
So today was the day. He'd just have to hope the Mayan gods or whatever other bloodthirsty, sadistic deities presided over his pathetic love life were smiling favorably on him today.
As the Double-Potions Gryffindor/Slytherin class began, he couldn't help barking out instructions in a very strained voice, or licking his lips nervously.
Finally, he was sure he had to do it then or class would be over soon. He abruptly stopped skinning shrivelfigs (he'd only been skinning them in the first place for an activity to give his nervous fingers something to do), and, still clenching his knife so tightly that his knuckles were white, went up to Hermione.
"Miss Granger . . ." he began hesitantly, waving his knife around in a slightly threatening manner, but unknowingly, as he thought how he should best conduct this.
"Yes, sir?" Hermione's voice came out as a squeak and her eyes were wide.
By now, the whole class was watching. To most it seemed like Snape was about to murder Hermione.
"I, er . . ." he noticed the look on her face and quickly put the knife down. Draco Malfoy looked distinctly disappointed.
"I was wondering – if you would give me the pleasure (he restrained himself from characterizing the pleasure as dubious and decided 'very great' was too humiliating) of your company this Saturday evening at the Three Broomsticks?"
Now, Severus, this is the part where she rejects you and you are forced to move to America and change your name for life. A swift and painless suicide might be in order as well.
She looked at him for a long time, still wide-eyed. If his pride, his reputation – his whole life, come to think of it - hadn't rested in her hands, he would have snapped something very rude indeed. As it was, he was forced to stand there as the whole class watched in (horrified) fascination. A loud clunk gave away that Neville had fainted. In retrospect, he thought it might make a fitting tribute to the irony gods if he'd survived kissing the filthy hem of Voldemort's robes, Lucius's traumatizing "tea parties", the macabre tortures of Dumbledore too numerous to mention, and seven years of Harry Potter, only to be ruined, completely and utterly, by a rather plain girl whose only extraordinary quality was her unduly large capacity for reading books and regurgitating the information in the most annoying and ill-timed fashion possible.
"Yes, all right then," said Hermione finally. Her face, now looking, interestingly enough, ten thousand times more beautiful than it was just a second ago, broke into a glowing smile. Like the sunrise. Like a rainbow. Severus was feeling a strong, disturbing urge to break into sentimental poetry, and god knows, he just might have, if it hadn't been for Weasley's gagging and Potter's hacking in the background.
I suppose I'll only take a hundred more points off the both of them this year,thought Severus in an uncharacteristic feeling of gratitude for the two boys. He'd been about to launch into a rendition of Shakespeare's Sonnet 130.
Class proceeded from then on in a kind of stunned silence. At the end, when he dismissed them in a daze, Hermione ran toward Severus and kissed him in front of the whole class.
"Acting on those fantasies now, hmm?" he asked, smiling just a tad bit stupidly. In the background, Harry and Ron, both looking terribly ill, sprinted to the bathroom. The rest of the class decided that they'd already seen a good eyeful and didn't want to risk incurring Snape's wrath, and so filed out hurriedly.
Hermione pulled him down for another kiss, and after they broke apart, he said thoughtfully, "Inappropriate conduct towards a teacher. Detention tonight at eight, Miss Granger."
She pulled a face. "You prick."
"Oh, and two hundred points to Gryffindor."
A/N: This is my first HP fic, so be gentle. Leave a radiant review if you liked. Please? *smiles hopefully* There may be an epilogue. Hopefully, enough of you liked this to make it worthwhile to write one. =)
And cookies to those who can spot all the Alan Rickman references. ^_~